Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Tag: life

  • Coins for the ferryman…..

    5 am came early and 9:15pm seems so late. Days last forever and nights crawl by.

    A bottle of Windex, 2 cans of Fabreze, a canister of Clorox wipes and3 rolls of paper towels: my sister in laws and I clean thru the day to help pass the time between visitors, nurses and aids.

    Prayers are said, tears are shed, the sign of the cross is made. The smell of cigars and fresh rosemary fill the evening air. A message is delivered in her ear and she has her peace at last. All she needed to know was that she and all she did for him mattered. Eventually it all quiets down till all you hear is the hum of the old refrigerator and the whirl of a box fan.

    He struggles in the back room, silently searching his pockets for a coin to pay the ferryman.

     

  • All thru the night…..

    No call went out, yet we all gathered tonight to sit vigil with my mother at the bed side of my father as he slips further away.

    I didn’t think I could go to the back of the house and into the spare room where he lay curled up on a hospital bed. I told myself I was here for my mother. She shuffled back and forth from the front room to the back. One time carrying his next morphine dose another time a cool rag to sooth the fever that racks his body as it tries to shut down.

    My youngest brother came and I pointed to the back and said, “You can go back, it’s okay. Wanda is with him.” he choked back an answer and just shock his head no. He couldn’t do it and I understood.

    My older brother kept milling about back and forth, sitting in one chair and then another. Room to room we all seemed to pivot  avoiding the obvious as best we could and making small talk about this and that.

    My sister -in-law look at me as if to ask if I had taken my turn yet….I shook my head no. But again said ,”feel free to go back, Wanda is there.” I then realized my mother was in the room and that Denver was alone. I took Olga’s hand and she gripped it tightly. Silently we walked down the narrow hall to the spare bedroom together. His breath labored and infrequent, he seems so slight and fragile. Not at all the giant and imposing figure he has been all my life. There was a softness I had never seen before. And I knew then that I could do this. Not that I should,  but that I COULD.

    The hours pass by and we convinced Wanda to go lie down. She is afraid to relax too much or even sleep but she knows she must. The men we sent to rest at their own homes. We sit up, we women. Cleaning and shuffling about and listening. Waiting.

     

     

  • The Test of Time…..

    For the third time in 30 yrs a rag-tag group of artists, musicians and actors will gather to share some “rock star” stories and fun in the sun.  The site of this years mischief is Surfside, Texas. Right on the beach. Aghhhhhhhh. Let me hear an amen!

    Some folks are flying in and some are driving and I suspect I would crawl if I had to. We will pay homage to our ill spent youth and our high school Drama teacher,  Ma Bell, who I am thrilled to say will join us again. We will dine on fresh seafood and devour copious amounts of margaritas and sing till we can’t utter a sound. Then we will get up and do it again…and again till they make us go home on Sunday.

    I’m not sure what it is that has been the glue to keep us all so connected except to say – sometimes a teacher can give you more than a good schooling. They can give you life, a foundation that can be built upon for years. It’s not what we learned in class as much as it was what we learned thru the many hours of rehearsals and shows. We learned about ourselves and each other in ways that go beyond any class room in the country. We learned who we were and who we wanted to be and how to get there. We learned that regardless of what our circumstances may be – we could always write an alternate ending.

    I  learned I was not an island. I had to trust others like my director and fellow performers. I learned to reveal my most vulnerable parts because an audience really can tell when you’re faking it. I became aware of the fact that everything has a beginning, a middle and an end and no matter what.  The show must go on! .  There are no small parts, only small-minded people. The small-minded people have fallen away from the group and the foundation remains. All, still, just a phone call or click away when any of us need a friend.

    We’ve all needed some shoring up from time to time. Times are hard. Life is hard….but we have stood the test of time. Being there for each other just gets easier and easier.

    SO I am OFF this afternoon. Car packed and ready to go, just waiting for the proverbial “work whistle” to sound that the day is done. I’ll drive down at sunset and what a grand drive it will be.

    I love each and every one of you…but this weekend I love a crazy group of Artists, Actors and Musicians and one special teacher just a tad bit more.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

     

     

     

     

  • My Independence Day…..

    We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

    When will this statement from the Declaration of Independence be applied to ALL of the citizens of the United States of America? Many, including members of my own family, stand on their self-proclaimed Conservative Christian Faith and scream at the top of their lungs that this country was founded on CHRISTIANITY. And that GOD willing, we will return to THEIR level of Conservatism in the next election. They would deny Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness to me simply because I am gay.

    The Declaration of Independence was just that. A statement that we the citizens of the Colonies had the right  to dissolve our connection with Britain citing Laws of Nature and Nature’s God. “When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.” 

    So here we have “Creator” and ‘Law’s of Nature” and Nature’s God”…..Nothing there about Church of England, Catholic, Protestant, Quaker or Queers….so no DOGMA was adopted there. Not sure what DOGMA is??  Dogma: A doctrine or a corpus of doctrines relating to matters such as morality and faith, set forth in an authoritative manner by a church.

    The Constitution is the document that lays out the frame-work of government and the division of power and our judicial systems and makes no reference to BEING a CHRISTIAN to be in good standing as a citizen of this country. In fact there is no mention of CREATOR – LAWS of NATURE -NATURE’S GOD or GOD in this document. Nope – No DOGMA there either.

    Then along came The Bill of Rights.   And because of the persecution under the previous government  and the CHURCH of England they felt the need to ensure these RIGHTS First.

    Amendment I Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

    So inferring again that the country was BASED on conservative Christian values is a big steaming pile of poo.

    Had the founding fathers intended to form a government based on a doctrine or a corpus of doctrines relating to matters such as morality and faith, set forth in an authoritative manner by a church they would have just been abandoning the Church of England for the establishment of the CHURCH OF AMERICA. We have a country settled by a majority of Christians who respectfully created a land set up with a separation of Church and State.

    Someday, I hope we all are allowed Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness without the exceptions that some would bind us with. Someday I hope to marry and when I get married – that “SIGNIFICANT OTHER” will be my WIFE. And that doesn’t mean I’m more masculine than her and that I have to take out the trash while she makes dinner. It’s not about defining domestic roles within a household. It means she is the woman I love and make a commitment to for life. She will be my wife and I will be hers. THAT is what being a spouse should be. And if that level of commitment or lack there of determined a title then my Mother would be a WIFE…my father?  a “Significant Other”…..if even that. His level of love, honor and cherish over the years has been in serious default…so what makes him a husband? His signature at the bottom of a certificate filled out in a judge’s chamber issued by the State of Oklahoma…not a church.

    I would have married a tall blue-eyed blonde if she would have had me. But GOD had other plans for my life and hers. Yes…I do believe in God. A power that guides my steps, my words and my voice to stand up for myself and those like me that want nothing more than to express our love for someone in the ultimate way. To marry and to build a family. Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. It’s meant for anyone.

    I love each and every one of you, all people, all races, all religions, all preferences ALL GODS CHILDREN.

    Juliana