Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Tag: juliana wathen

  • Just ask…..

    Sorry for the prolonged radio silence but things have been a bit chaotic. Two funerals for fathers of childhood friends in a 4 day period and my own father is barely hanging on. We take it day by day and moment by moment and know that things happen in God’s time not ours.

    I share with you today the simplest and yet most powerful meditation to date. I have been stunned at it’s power and the change it has brought to my life these past few weeks.

    So many times we  – I, focus on the lack or the problem and pray for guidance to fix it or overcome it. I took a new slant over the last few weeks. I stopped NAMING the issues and simply….asked.

    Asked?..yeah…ASKED…..that simple.

    What do I ask for and how is that different from before? Simpler still. I ASKED my heart to open………( breath deeply and exhale) ….and to receive….( Breath deeply and exhale again)….. healing. Give it a try….I’ll wait….Now, do it three or four times and visualize the door to your heart opening and receiving this flow of energy into your heart with each breath.

    Try this for a few days…that’s all it took for me to notice a change.

    I don’t bother identifying negative situations or how something will be resolved. God knows better than I do what my challenges are. I refuse to give negativity any more power by isolating the issues. I simply desire – healing and to see it flowing to me. Spiritual, emotional or physical healing. The energy of “healing” will go where it is most needed without any direction from me or my GPS locator.

    After a few days, I realize that the things that had me stressed the most I now felt peace about. I even searched for those icky feelings thinking they must be right there under the surface…like shaking a Christmas package I wanted to know what was inside…nothing…gone. Gone was the anxiety, the fear, and the dread.

    I repeat this meditation every night. I’m curious to see what happens next. 🙂

    I love each and every one of you.

    And I thank you all for your encouragement and kind words as of late.

    Much Love

    Juliana

     

  • Confidence is sexy….

    I’ve been brooding the past few days over a post that encouraged people to read my blog. Which should be good, right??  Blogs by nature are out there to be read by anyone with access to the internet and so when you expose your thoughts and views to the world you have hopes that others will be entertained, enlightened or find a kinship in your thoughts. However, there are those that will stumble upon you and target you for ridicule and use as a tool to make them feel better about themselves.

    So was the post this past week. A man in Tunisia, all the way around the world, posted the link for Diary of a Mad * FAT * WOMAN on his Facebook page with the comment, “Look at this fat lady trying to be sexy. hahaha. Check it out!“. Hmmmm. My first thought was WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU? that quickly gave way to me blocking him from the Facebook page of DOAMFW. Besides, I didn’t recall posting ANY picture of myself trying to look sexy so I’m not sure what this guy was making a fuss about. And I certainly wasn’t going to feed his ego and little man syndrome by allowing him to abuse me on my own site. BYE-BYE Mr. Tunisia!

    No, it’s not the first time, and no, I am not shocked. I have dealt with bullies all my life making crude comments about my weight. And I have endured the flip side of the coin and have had men write me about my blog saying how much they LOVED fat women. I am equally repulsed by both. Which has nothing to do with my being gay though men are the only ones swinging to  extremes on the love/hate meter.

    Diary of a MAD * FAT* WOMAN isn’t about being crazy or pissed off. Though I have certainly been both in my day. It’s about the ups and downs life hands out to us and how we handle it. It’s not about BEING FAT, it’s about being a CONFIDENT WOMAN at any size.

    I am overweight. NO DOUBT. And by today’s rules of extra thin perfection I shouldn’t EVER dare to be or feel sexy without being subject to public ridicule. And yet I KNOW what being sexy feels and looks like.

    I have felt sexy when a lover smiled at the sight of me regardless of what I was wearing or how long my day had been. I have felt sexy when they melted into me with a long, warm enveloping hug and they relaxed away their problems in that embrace. I saw sexy when their confidence soared because I gave them room to try new things without judgement. We were sexy together when we felt comfortable surrendering to each other without hesitation. That level of trust is the sexiest thing I have ever encountered. It wasn’t a size or shape, a color or class. It was the confidence in the connection we shared. That’s what sexy is to me.

    I feel compassion for the man in Tunisia who sought to bolster his own image with his friends by ridiculing the image he saw of me. His vision is so limited he might as well have been blind. He has probably passed by the most  incredible people  in his life because they didn’t meet his superficial standards. What a loss.  As we say in the South…Bless his heart.

    And bless your heart and my heart. SEXY has a way of finding you when you least expect it.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

     

     

     

  • Snapshot…..

    Healing does not mean going back to the way things were before. Healing means being able to allow yourself to live and move forward with who and what you are today at this very moment.

    SO many times in life we want to go back and heal a situation to restore it to its former glory, a marriage, a dear friendship or even a career. We want to put the pieces back like they were and complete the puzzle. We want that reward, that moment of accomplishment when you lay down the last piece and see that SNAPSHOT  of life one more time in our hands. But you can’t turn back the hands of time. Yesterday has already come and gone and the wound is already there. If you spend all your energy trying to recreate that same moment you will likely find some pieces are missing. Some were scattered on the floor, swept up and thrown away. The ones you can find are misshapen and no longer complete the same image. Healing means moving forward from the experience and building a new snapshot. A new image of what your life looks like today.

    I am not saying that love and talent can’t be restored. I am saying that it must be built anew. And that can only happen when you are ready to heal and move forward without the judgement and fear that left you wounded to begin with.

    The present is the most powerful time in your life. And what you do with it is the most important thing you can focus your energy on.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    **Remember – If you LIKE it – Feel free to SHARE it!

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Skinny-Dipping…..

    And now ladies and gentlemen, the MILLION DOLLAR QUESTION. Can FAT people SKINNY dip ? HELL YES!

    There is a HUGE misconception that overweight people CAN’T do a lot of things that everyone else can. Now granted, I personally can’t run a marathon but Kelly Gneiting, an ex-sumo wrestler who weighs 400 lbs ran one this year in California.

    The OTHER huge misconception is that overweight people are unintelligent. That if they can’t manage something as simple as their diet then they are asking to be the “go to” punch line. Society has more compassion for alcoholics, smokers, anorexics and drug addicts than they do anyone overweight. And when the opportunity presents itself – a mob mentality can take hold.

    Recently, I saw a photo of a political protest and the man was carrying a sign which had two misspelled words on it. It was posted on a website for the opposition. First the critiques were on his spelling. Then the nasty came out. Comments were made by viewers almost immediately. “No wonder he can’t spell – look how fat he is”. REALLY???? I thought to myself…and then I kept reading, the feeding frenzy continued… “Look at the muffin top on the one in front of him” they remarked about one woman..”Figures, they’re all overweight and stupid – no wonder they can’t read the constitution” chimed another. The flash “FAT” mob was in full force. A protest on Unconstitutional Legislation was reduced in 58 posts to tasteless and rude commentaries on a persons physical appearance.

    I was blown away. And PISSED. WHY was this happening? The jabs and jokes continued throughout the thread. I was absolutely dumb founded that no one made an attempt to keep the discussion on point.

    To say I hate what politics has become in America is an understatement. Civilized debates about issues that directly affect our country have taken LAST place to insults and personal jabs at differences that define us as HUMAN. The media, PR firms and campaign coordinators make a point to set their sights on everything from religious differences to hair styles, regional drawl to summer jobs when they were 16 but mostly – how they look. ARE THEY PRESIDENTIAL? DO THEY HAVE THE LOOK?

    64% of adults in America are classified as overweight and 34% are considered OBESE. The only thing that can keep an overweight person from learning is trying to learn in a hostel and vicious environment, and even then we persist. Just ask OPRAH. Grow up people! If you want to argue POLITICS be informed about the issues. If the basis of your argument is “you win because you’re thin”…then don’t count on getting a lot of votes come election time cause I have serious concerns about YOUR IQ.

    I’m gonna go skinny dipping now!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Me??? You talking to me???…..


    “Yea you!…I’m talking to you, you crazy cool pouting puss,” spouts my inner voice.

    Leave it to me to have an inner voice with an attitude. But I have to admit, I do look good in a purple jacket, red tie and blue shades. So at least my inner voice got the Crazy Cool Puss part right.

    Unfortunately….my inner voice is right about a  whole lot of stuff that I spend months if not years trying to just ignore or gloss over. Eventually it screams loud enough I have to finally listen. And when that happens, it means I have to eat crow at home over a crunchy peanut butter and jelly sandwich – no milk.

    The peanut butter sticks to the rough of my mouth so I have to work harder to get it unstuck with my tongue. I’m clinically tongue-tied so this can be a bit frustrating. There’s also those crunchy bits of peanut that I have to chew on a little extra and I spend so much time concentrating on them that the jelly is just gone before I even realize it’s there. DAMN IT!!!!!!

    Yes, Life Lessons can be reduced to a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. There is the smooth part that we ply away at, the bumpy bits we chew on and if you’re not paying attention the sweet rewards are gone before you know it. There are many layers  to every experience and you know what that makes? A Sammich!

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Piano Bar Blues……

    Yes, Mrs. Lincoln, I have had a cocktail tonight and how did you enjoy the play? “Fine Mrs. Kennedy – how was the parade?

    Okay…I had WAY to much fun working tonight. Work turned into unexpected play which is the BEST kinda play to have. I am perched up on the 18th floor of a lake resort and have to go down to check on a promotional event for a bunch of meeting planners….I’m in entertainment you seeeeee……….The DJ is in place…we nosh a bit over the steak and lobster and have a cocktail or two and as the easliy impressed corporate executives file in to the bowling Wii tounament I make my get away to the piano bar with…THE BOYS.

    Nearly deserted, the bar is quiet…..”where’s the PIANO player for the PIANO bar” we ask….”taking a break” they tell us… great….we’ll have a cocktail. We settle into the posh couches and pull our feet up on the coffee tables after a long days work as if they were our own. I look at the other people behind us – trying to decern the familiar characteristics of a “Piano player”….searching…searchin…..g searching….BINGO….It’s the blind guy!!!!! The blind guy????

    The same blind guy I saw 32 years ago at a high school talent show?….My talent show at MY high school….WTF????  I saw a woman take his arm about to lead him to the piano and I stopped them and asked…Hadden right?? she answered for him ‘Yes” ….I replied…”Are you his mother?” ohhhhhhh bad question…”No , I am his wife but I get that alot”….oh snap…..I JUST killed the conversation….

    I asked Hadden if he remembered my name and he didn’t but it was okay – I sang with his brother who was three years older.

    We settled into our couches and he began to play..none of it in my key BTW….Mr. Bojangles, Rocky Mountain High and The Entertainer…. I sang under my breath and one of my boys said – sing a song…I said “It’s NOT in my key”….Hadden’s wife chimed in – “he can play in any key just start singing”…And so I did….one song and then another….and another… and another. Lyrics supplied to me by a friend on a I phone…we started taking requests and he played so well he even followed me on a few songs he never heard before….True talent….we scooped up an extra 60 bucks for the tip jar for the folks draw in by the sound and we called it a night.

    I was down tonight when I got here…but music lifted me right up out of my skin. We’re gonna do it again tomorrow night..since I’m here all weekend. Why not!

    Music is a universal language…once you learn it , It rarely goes away. It cured what ailed me….tomorrow will be icing on the cake.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Love me , Love me not…..

    I love treats. All kinds of treats. I am treated on occasion to a  glimpse of a beautiful woman. One I know well, quite intimately in fact.   I don’t see her everyday. In fact, seeing her is as unpredictable as winning the Lottery. But it happens, when I least expect it. But always when I need it most.

    It took me a long time to get to know her. But I invested the time. I thought it would be worth the effort. Uncertain of my intentions, I was held at bay for a while. Which was to be expected. But not too terribly long as we had much in common. People, places and things. Common bridges to common destinations.

    She is strong. Do not doubt that, but so soft I think she might melt away some day. Her voice rings in  my ear and whispers encouraging words from a distance place. And I listen….intently. Soaking up all I can of the unseen energy.

    She told me her secrets and seems to know mine. She sees my potential and reminds me I deserve all life has to offer. She knows the answers before I ever ask the questions. She even said I was beautiful. Oh how I would like to believe that.

    It’s hard to always trust. To believe what you hear.

    The children’s rhyme chimes in. “She loves me, She loves me not, She loves me, She loves me not”….plucking petals from a flower I know the answer before the last petal falls. It took me a long time to find her. To love her  unconditionally. She is smart and witty, talented and beautiful, tender and loving. Does she love me? She does. How do I know?  Because she… is me.

    Loving others completely comes only when you can honestly love yourself.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Cheerleader in my pocket…..

    Are you ready for some FOOTBALL???? Oh yeah….me too! I’m ready for all the hoopla and holler’in! I’m ready for pre-game parties on Sunday and the Bloody Mary bar on the club level at Reliant Stadium right on the fifty yard line. I’m ready for Monday Night Mayhem and over loaded Scooby Snack trays!

    Just when I was making my snack list today and checking the budget….BAMM….Weight Watchers snatches $17.95 out of my bank account. Yea, yea yea, automatic draft is a wonderful thing. I hadn’t logged my points in a few weeks and was thinking…aghh I got this…which I didn’t but it didn’t seem like anyone was noticing. Suddenly, out of the blue, I get a cheerleader in my corner helping themselves to my money and saying “Come on , you can do it”…and chanting, “You’re Number 1, You’re Number 1”.  Well, she has a point. They don’t call it Weight WATCHERS for nothing I guess. Someone is always looking out for me. Weight Watchers Point Plus System – That’s a first down and home team has the ball. I’ll try not to fumble.

    I needed my girls this morning when I had to take my car to the dealership. A long list of possible repairs and a nervous stomach was bearing down on me. Zoom-Zoom had some major rattling under the hood. Secondly, she ROARED when I drove and that had nothing to do with the ZOOM or the recall…Oh but Allan, my Mazda cheerleader who had on a less than inspiring outfit said not to worry. Turns out the rattle was a battery cable cover, the “ROAR” was uneven wear on my tires, an unseen faulty tire indicator was the hail Mary that gave me the free loaner car cause it was covered under the extended warranty. All in all….a $50.00 diagnostic. GO MAZDA! That’s another FIRST DOWN!

    Half-time injury report puts my father coming out of the hospital tonight and being sent back home with hospice care starting tomorrow morning. They offered up a pace-maker this weekend but we all said, “No, Thank You”.  Wanda will have help now and they will be more comfortable at home. The game clock is winding down.

    I got back in the game today at work and rolled thru some contracts. It’s good to be busy and have a routine. I never know what my days will look like from one to the next. But I do know I have plenty of things to look forward to.

    Not all cheerleaders are easy to pick out of the crowd. Some are subtle and unseen. No pom-poms. No ultra cool boots, spray on tans or make up by a she-she salon. Aghhhhh…but they cheer me on from the sidelines everyday. They make the game….Just saying!

    I love each and every one of you

    PS….Texans beat the Jets! Thanks Monday Night Football!

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Snickers and God…..

    Being an adult is not a CHOICE…it is a status, a place on the timeline of life. By definition: somebody who has reached the age of legal majority, generally 18 years of age in the United States

    Now, just because you are an adult doesn’t make you mature or responsible. All that comes from experience, practice and pure intent. Sometimes I choose to be a kid, foot loose and fancy free. I wear PJ’s with cartoon characters on them and pink fuzzy socks. I carry a Bobby Sherman lunch box from the 1970’s to work and tell inappropriate jokes when laughing out loud is even less appropriate. I play with rubber ducks in the bathtub and swear chocolate milk tastes better when sucked through a silly straw. I love to brag about eating a yummie frozen Snickers Peanut Butter Sq. to my FACEBOOK friends while watching my favorite TV show. But there comes a day when you have to grow up, even if just for a day. That can always be a challenge.

    I knew a woman who always said when she needed to change her frame of mind or situation that she was “Ripping off the band-aide”. It’s drastic and sudden and supposed to get the pain over and done with as soon as possible. That’s how she “broke thru to the other side”. That’s exactly what it feels like to set aside your childhood, rip it off  like a band-aide and walk into a hospital room of a dying man that’s supposed to be your father and be the adult in the room.

    Many people see the final days of a parent’s life as a time to make peace. A time to make amends before it’s too late. There’s a chance to say your goodbyes and you’re sorry. How you should have done better or just be there to give them the chance to do the same.  I’ve learned the hard way that there is no making peace with my father. Only making peace ABOUT him in my own mind and heart. There is nothing he can give me or any of us at this point. These final days for me are about compassion. Whether he realizes it or not, I am there as much as I can be. My concerns are simple. I have compassion for his comfort and that he not suffer if we can prevent it.

    The closer he gets to dying the uglier his tone and comments get. It can test the compassion of even a saint. Somehow, the comments and barbs don’t cut near as deep or sting near as long as they once did. He’s angry, scared, weak and confused. He is no longer the adult in control and I am no longer a little girl stung by his opinion. We will all get through this.

    God has a plan and a system. I am who I am in part because of my father. So whether it was good, bad or indifferent it really doesn’t matter. I’m okay with how I turned out. I know that God’s plan doesn’t allow all that ugly to pass thru to the other side. My father will forget what he was scared of and who he was mad at, who he hurt and where he fell short. He will find his peace on the other side.  And when all is said and done I will make my peace here. I will return to being footloose and fancy free. I will find moments to be a kid again. God and I will share a joke, a frozen Snickers and point out all the tall blondes with tans that pass by. Cause that’s what God and I do. We muddle. Sometimes we muddle together side by side and other times he throws me on the nearest Home Depot flat-bed cart and pulls me along for the ride. We still get there together. I am never alone. Snickers and God. It’s a good combination.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

     

     

     

     

  • Strike a Match…..

    Darkness is defined as the absence of LIGHT. Conflict comes when you bump into all the unknown in the dark and you fight for your space and your security. When a match is struck even in the darkest corner it can give us the ability to see what lies around us. We find out that what we bumped into was a chair, a door or even another person just like ourselves lost in the dark.  Darkness exists no longer when the smallest candle is lit. Be a light where ever you go today. It’s not just for you but for the people around you who need help seeing things just a bit clearer. The more I can see, the more people can see me and the more they can see themselves in me! So goes the life of the messenger.

    I’m headed once more to the hospital with my father. Light a candle for us all.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana