Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Tag: hope

  • Into my dreams…..

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    You visit me in my dreams. Dreams so vivid and real that for a brief moment the dream becomes reality and I am totally immersed in the time, taste, and smells surrounding me. Emotions are more intense and swell unrestrained by any insecurity or proven past history. My true reality seems like a distant childhood memory clouded over by a low, ground hugging fog that I dare not stir. I feel the pull between the two worlds and I can sense the end is approaching and I fight to stay longer and FEEL more, EXPERIENCE more, LIVE more. I begin to panic and tell myself to “Find the key”…Find the key that will bring me back here.

    In my desperate attempt to  “Find the key”….I panic and open my eyes. The veil is lifted and I am here. I feel empty and alone……

    So I get up and do what I always do….make my first cup of coffee…turn on the morning news….check Facebook for the latest gossip and news….line up my vitamins and medications….and ponder the message and meaning of my dream.

    It dawned on me that I had to do nothing to enter the dream. It came to me. I had not carried the fears, rules and restrictions I had engrained into my life with me to this new place. I had not consciously set them down, they just no longer existed….I was happier than I had ever been. Everything seemed enhanced. My sight was sharper, my heart was fuller and I could experience everything around me with increased appreciation. It was only when I began to worry about  losing all that I was experiencing that I felt the pull and weight of reality and waking consciousness.

    Dreams are our training ground….a chance to experience all that we are and all that we can be when we let go and live in the moment. Moments we don’t have to create, manage or manipulate to bring about.

    There is a saying I have heard all my life “Let go and Let God“…Let go and allow the perfectness that is within you to manifest the perfectness around you.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

     

    Copyright 2013 Juliana Wathen

     

  • I Got You Babe!…..

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    Without you …..I would not experience Faith

    Without you …..I wouldn’t be challenged to Trust

    Without you…..I would not strive to make the World a Better Place

    Without you…..I would not push myself to get to the Other Side

    Without you…..I would not experience Unconditional Love

    I would not be who I am today without all the experiences, conditions and people that have touched my day to day life.
    It truly is YOU AND ME BABE!

    I love each and every one of you
    Juliana

    Copy Right 2013 Juliana Wathen

  • Skinny-Dipping…..

    And now ladies and gentlemen, the MILLION DOLLAR QUESTION. Can FAT people SKINNY dip ? HELL YES!

    There is a HUGE misconception that overweight people CAN’T do a lot of things that everyone else can. Now granted, I personally can’t run a marathon but Kelly Gneiting, an ex-sumo wrestler who weighs 400 lbs ran one this year in California.

    The OTHER huge misconception is that overweight people are unintelligent. That if they can’t manage something as simple as their diet then they are asking to be the “go to” punch line. Society has more compassion for alcoholics, smokers, anorexics and drug addicts than they do anyone overweight. And when the opportunity presents itself – a mob mentality can take hold.

    Recently, I saw a photo of a political protest and the man was carrying a sign which had two misspelled words on it. It was posted on a website for the opposition. First the critiques were on his spelling. Then the nasty came out. Comments were made by viewers almost immediately. “No wonder he can’t spell – look how fat he is”. REALLY???? I thought to myself…and then I kept reading, the feeding frenzy continued… “Look at the muffin top on the one in front of him” they remarked about one woman..”Figures, they’re all overweight and stupid – no wonder they can’t read the constitution” chimed another. The flash “FAT” mob was in full force. A protest on Unconstitutional Legislation was reduced in 58 posts to tasteless and rude commentaries on a persons physical appearance.

    I was blown away. And PISSED. WHY was this happening? The jabs and jokes continued throughout the thread. I was absolutely dumb founded that no one made an attempt to keep the discussion on point.

    To say I hate what politics has become in America is an understatement. Civilized debates about issues that directly affect our country have taken LAST place to insults and personal jabs at differences that define us as HUMAN. The media, PR firms and campaign coordinators make a point to set their sights on everything from religious differences to hair styles, regional drawl to summer jobs when they were 16 but mostly – how they look. ARE THEY PRESIDENTIAL? DO THEY HAVE THE LOOK?

    64% of adults in America are classified as overweight and 34% are considered OBESE. The only thing that can keep an overweight person from learning is trying to learn in a hostel and vicious environment, and even then we persist. Just ask OPRAH. Grow up people! If you want to argue POLITICS be informed about the issues. If the basis of your argument is “you win because you’re thin”…then don’t count on getting a lot of votes come election time cause I have serious concerns about YOUR IQ.

    I’m gonna go skinny dipping now!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Back in School…..

    Aghhhh the Lessons…..life is full of them. Sometimes they are easy and sometimes you have to repeat them over and over. First, you claim you just had a teacher that sucked and you just know you could have aced it if you just had a decent teacher. They were gunning for you from day one!

    The fact of the matter is LIFE IS A LESSON…and if you don’t GET IT the first time it will present itself over and over and over until YOU do get it!.

    Sometimes, distance gives us clarity and it is easy to see another person’s  life lesson because they are running parallel to our own experience. Compassion leads us to stick our nose in and offer our opinion. To raise the flag and say “Danger, danger Will Robinson!” Don’t feel like a failure if they don’t heed the warnings.

    In attempting to steer them away from the heart break or crisis you know is coming you are actually interfering with THEIR LIFE LESSON. Sometimes the lesson IS the heart break , the disappointment or defeat. Their lesson IS the crisis AND the recovery. If you interfere today, then you just delay their lesson till tomorrow.

    Show TRUE compassion, show the unconditional love of the Christ Consciousness. Allow people you care about to live out the lessons they have called into their own lives whether is be addiction, co-dependency or just plan fear to stand on their own two feet.  Support them with positive thoughts and prayer that they receive peace, love and perfect understanding from the Universe. THAT is Help. THAT is Compassion. THAT IS LOVE, BABY.

    Be happy that you worked thru YOUR life lesson and have moved on to the next. Allow them to do the same.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • FLY AWAY…..

    Today was a strange day and maybe I was just feeling the vibes in the earth but I felt the scars on my heart today. It was a feeling I couldn’t shake till just an hour or so ago.

    Emotions welled in me and I missed the one I had held most dear but that is no longer in my life. At some point “feeling” all this just pissed me off.

    I had started the day knowing my dearest friend Lori’s dad was in the hospital and they said by days end he needed a quadruple heart by-pass but was in no shape to tolerate the surgery. His heart was so tired. I said my prayers for Giles Henry throughout the day as I drove from task to task. I prayed for the Doctors to find the right solution.

    I went on to an event today and was pulled aside. “Had I heard the news?”  – What news?” –  I expected industry gossip but instead was told in the lowest of hushed tones that the fabulous Houston Songtress Yvonne Washington had suffered a heart attack and was scheduled for by-pass surgery tomorrow morning at Methodist Hospital. My own heart sank as she and I had just discussed the signs of a woman’s heart attack as we sat backstage at a gala two weeks ago. She will miss her daughter’s wedding this Saturday and that will break her heart all over again. I said my prayers again as I made my way to my next stop.

    The work continued, the day continued and so did this feeling of heartbreak in my heart.

    I checked my phone during the event tonight searching for an update on Giles Henry and I saw instead a post on Facebook. A dear high school friends mom had passed away back in our hometown of Conroe. She died at home surrounded by two of her children.Brent did not get there in time.

    When the body is frail the heart just stops. And she, like a dove  – flew away as her son drove down the highway listening to track 11 FLY AWAY. He heard a new message in the song he had heard many times before.  he was grateful for the music written by a friend that helped him cope with the loss. And he took the time to tell him so from the side of the road.

    Hearts were breaking all around me today. Figuratively and literally. My heart had been broken for years, inside and out . Physically and emotionally I had run my heart thru a ringer in the past few years and yet I survived on each level. Somehow, I was reborn. Yes figuratively and literally.

    Today reminded where I had been. I risked my heart. I experienced an incredible love that did not last. My heart is scarred but not broken. I saw a glimpse of what could and should be. I risked my health again and again. My heart nearly threw in the towel for us both. But instead, has forgiven me and beats stronger today than it has in years. There is not a lot of reason behind why I have survived three hearts attacks and Congestive Heart Failure. I have to believe that God’s just not done with me yet and that my heart has not experienced the greatest of moments that he still has planned for me. I appreciate where I have been and even more, where I am going.

    So tonight, I pray for the hearts that are ailing and the hearts that are hurting. I pray for the daughter who sits by her father’s bedside holding his hand and saying ‘It’s gonna be okay Giles Henry”, I pray for the mother who worries most about missing her Daughter’s biggest day. And I pray for the son who with a heavy heart listened in his car to track 11 FLY AWAY and found comfort in his moms passing in the words of a song.

    I love each and every one of you.

    And today I love a beautiful girl, Lori, Yvonne, Giles Henry and Brent just a little bit more. I hope you don’t mind.

    Juliana

  • Happy St. Patty’s Day!!!

    What do each of the 4 leaf stand for?

    According to legend of western cultures, each of the four leaf clovers represent one theme.

    • First leaf is for hope
    • Second leaf is for faith
    • Third leaf is for love
    • Fourth leaf is for luck.

    I’m guessing I am one of the Lucky ones. I found a four-leaf clover once on the playground in elementary school. I hung on to it FOREVER. But, much like misspent youth, it is gone. No telling which pocket it was left in to run through the weekly laundry and down the drain. But I always remembered that I FOUND one. Finding it gave me HOPE.  Hope everyone could share in. It gave me FAITH. Cause finding it once meant you could find it again and again if you only look. It warmed my heart and I felt LOVE and connection to the world around me. And yes, It brought me LUCK. I was LUCKY to find it.

    I have been lucky through out my life. I always find hope when I am sure the last tread of hope is lost. I have faith that grows stronger every day that life will lead me where I need to be. I have love – unconditional love for those in my life and those that choose not to be. There is more than enough love to spare. I’d say that makes me pretty damn lucky!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • The perfect gift…..

    In recent weeks we have seen the power of Social Media and it’s ability to spread a thought, a word, a deed. Hundreds of thousands can be moved to action by the ideas and revelations of a few. We are becoming a GLOBAL Consciousness  of Humanity.

    As injustice and restrictions on freedom are seen around the world the people are turning to embrace their own worthiness to live in a world of equal possibilities and open and free thought.

    They are realizing the spiritual power of  ideas and words. And where those words are shared and repeated, unbelievable changes are taking place.

    So too is the power of prayer. I was told recently “All I can do is offer a prayer”. It was an offer wrapped in fear. Fear of getting too involved or close to the situation. A fear of giving more than they were capable of giving. I understood where it came from. But I also realize that PRAYER is the most powerful gift you can give of yourself. When you pray with an open and honest heart, God listens. When you pray, you set aside all that is irrelevant to the situation and send love and healing energy. You get the hell out of the way and let God’s energy be directed to the situation. And when 10’s of thousand pray, God and all of Humanity, whether realized consciously or not, hear the call and are moved to action.

    Hundreds prayed for me while in the hospital last week. And the call has gone out for prayer for my mother who suffered another heart attack today. I hope the  world at large prays for Japan and it’s people after the most devastating disaster since the last world war. Your prayers matter. Never, ever think that your prayer is the lesser gift. It is the only TRUE gift we can give to one another. I am most thankful for your prayers for I am certain they will move mountains. They will see my mother home and healthy and they will see the world rise to rebuild a nation.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • The Power of One

    Healing Humanity begins with one soul. One person who has the courage to say” Heal me Father, make me whole”.

    I don’t ask that you  take away my disease but rather that you take away the  dis-ease in my spirit that impairs my body. My heart is then restored.

    I don’t ask that you take away the fat that clogs and pollutes my system. I ask that you remove the emotional weight I have resisted letting go of for so many years. I know the pounds will follow.

    Take away my false appetites Father and restore my right train of thought. Lead me to those that will feed my soul and nourish my spirit.

    I lay claim to healing in body, mind and spirit.

    I pray for Peace for Humanity, I pray for Perfect Guidance and Clear Understanding for all people in all things. And so it is.

    I love each and every one of you, and yes Lori, some days, I love you just a little bit more.

    Juliana

  • Human Touch

    When was the last time you reached outside your comfort zone and took the time to touch someone during your day? I mean, really stop and make direct eye contact and engage someone for a moment that you didn’t even know. Not as part of your job but as a part of LIVING.

    I am guilty. Guilty of running from one task to the next from sun up to sundown, day in and day out, and in those moments letting the living pass me by. We are all probably guilty of ignoring people from time to time. Invisible people, homeless people, physically challenged people,the old and infirm….and yes, the service people who make are days easier by taking away our trash and clipping our lawns and taking away our dirty plates at the restaurant. DIFFERENCES inherently make people uncomfortable. I am aware that I make some people uncomfortable by being overweight. As a large person I can sense those that look PAST me and those that render me  INVISIBLE .I therefore experience times and situations where I am painfully shy. Invisible has become my preference.

    I saw a man the other morning through the window of my apartment gym as I was huffing away on the treadmill. He was tall, thin and blacker than black. He was putting up the umbrellas on the outside patio. He must have felt me watching him as he looked up and caught my gaze then  immediately lowered his eyes and walked away.

    I finished my 30 minute workout and headed upstairs to my apartment. I got a glass of water and a book and headed out to the courtyard to cool down , read and meditate by the fountain. It was cool outside and the sound of the bubbling fountain stilled my mind. I thought of the man I had seen earlier and wondered if he felt as invisible as I do.

    I heard footsteps on the pavement and looked up and saw him again. He was on to his next task – cleaning the courtyard. I watched him for a moment. He made a point not to look up. And I thought…son of a bitch – he is as scared of me as I am of…everybody! In that moment I made the bold, spontaneous decision to speak. “Good morning” I said…making sure I spoke clearly and with purpose. He looked up and shyly returned the greeting. “What’s is your name?” I asked and he said “QUIT” in an obvious accent. I repeated his name and asked him “Where are you from?” He paused and seemed to relax a bit and settled his hands on his broom handle. “Africa” he said. I smiled and said ” Well, I am glad you are here. And THANK YOU for making our home such a nice place to live”. A large smile broke out across his face. He nodded his head and said “You are welcome”. In that moment I knew we had just made each others day.We shared in a human experience.

    It made me glad I went to the gym. I made me glad I took the time to go meditate in the courtyard. I was glad I reached past my own discomfort to maybe ease the discomfort of another. Giving is a gift that comes back to you over and over.

    Take the time to reach out and touch. SEE the people around you and you will be SEEN. All that flows from you and all that flows to you is good when it is sent with pure intent.

    I love each and every one of you,

    Juliana

  • Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…First Place

    I am the worst person when it comes to self restraint. I live big, I work BIG and I LOVE BIG. Like a pit bull lock jawed on a burglar I don’t like giving up what I love. And let’s face it. I love to eat or I wouldn’t weigh 300 lbs. But all that BIG LIVING leaves little time to dedicate to loving myself in a bigger way and making a plan to eat and live better.

    On Friday I had to go to a meeting downtown.There was no parking anywhere near the building I needed to go to and the thought of walking 6 city blocks make me sick to my stomach. But I got out, purse on one shoulder and binder in my hand, I huffed it…… all the way to 811 Dallas. I reached my final destination panting and sweating like a prime swine at the rodeo pig races. But alas there was no one there to give me an Oreo for making it to the finish line, or a chair…or a drink of water.Thank God I got to catch my breath and pat my brow while waiting on the elevator before meeting my client.

    I stepped on the elevator and with a deep heavy sigh…it dawned on me. THAT was exercise! AND I LIVED!!!!!!

    It wasn’t a race where you get a ribbon or a marathon for a great cause. It was just me and the concrete. The only one who realized what an accomplishment it was for a 300 lb woman with heart failure….was me. And  then, that  “inner voice” that always seems to speak to me when I least expect it. When I’m alone and quite….like in an elevator being hauled up to the top floor of a downtown office building for a meeting I was late to, it  said to me “Just because you know you won’t place first is no reason not to run the race”.

    Hmmmmm.Well, I’ll be! That’s the beauty of life. You get to enter a new race everyday. Sometimes you win and get a ribbon, sometimes you place and find new friends on the podium and other times you cross the finish line last. But that’s okay. The only ones that the evening news ever shows crossing the finish line are the winner and the last to complete the course. Smile for the camera baby! YOU MADE IT!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana