Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

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  • Traveling Light…..

    Denver Jenkins Wathen Jr. left this world September 15, 2011 at 3:55pm the same way he came into it March 22, 1931, surrounded by family.

    It was not the ending any of us would have predicted, but one I think none of us would ever trade.

    I have learned more about my father in the last few weeks than he ever cared to tell me in all my 48 yrs. I’ve looked thru his records, a disintegrating birth certificate, diplomas, military discharge papers, divorce decrees and  every picture I could find. I peeled back the layers of wrapping paper and found a person in the center of the box.

    He was not perfect, just human. Subject to all the hazards and consequences we all must face through life. I was able to see the things that jaded him and the circumstances that made him shy away from being the husband and father we wished he could have been.

    None of us will ever know the real Denver, what he thought or what he felt.  But I think I got as close as I was ever meant to these final days.

    God wanted me to SEE him as  a fellow human being. Just a person who filled his bag with life experiences and at the end had to stand at the dock and empty that bag piece by piece, re-examining each experience  till the only thing left in the bottom of the bag was the coin for the Ferryman.

    Today he set his burdens down and tonight he is traveling light once again.

     

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

     

     

     

  • Coins for the ferryman…..

    5 am came early and 9:15pm seems so late. Days last forever and nights crawl by.

    A bottle of Windex, 2 cans of Fabreze, a canister of Clorox wipes and3 rolls of paper towels: my sister in laws and I clean thru the day to help pass the time between visitors, nurses and aids.

    Prayers are said, tears are shed, the sign of the cross is made. The smell of cigars and fresh rosemary fill the evening air. A message is delivered in her ear and she has her peace at last. All she needed to know was that she and all she did for him mattered. Eventually it all quiets down till all you hear is the hum of the old refrigerator and the whirl of a box fan.

    He struggles in the back room, silently searching his pockets for a coin to pay the ferryman.

     

  • All thru the night…..

    No call went out, yet we all gathered tonight to sit vigil with my mother at the bed side of my father as he slips further away.

    I didn’t think I could go to the back of the house and into the spare room where he lay curled up on a hospital bed. I told myself I was here for my mother. She shuffled back and forth from the front room to the back. One time carrying his next morphine dose another time a cool rag to sooth the fever that racks his body as it tries to shut down.

    My youngest brother came and I pointed to the back and said, “You can go back, it’s okay. Wanda is with him.” he choked back an answer and just shock his head no. He couldn’t do it and I understood.

    My older brother kept milling about back and forth, sitting in one chair and then another. Room to room we all seemed to pivot  avoiding the obvious as best we could and making small talk about this and that.

    My sister -in-law look at me as if to ask if I had taken my turn yet….I shook my head no. But again said ,”feel free to go back, Wanda is there.” I then realized my mother was in the room and that Denver was alone. I took Olga’s hand and she gripped it tightly. Silently we walked down the narrow hall to the spare bedroom together. His breath labored and infrequent, he seems so slight and fragile. Not at all the giant and imposing figure he has been all my life. There was a softness I had never seen before. And I knew then that I could do this. Not that I should,  but that I COULD.

    The hours pass by and we convinced Wanda to go lie down. She is afraid to relax too much or even sleep but she knows she must. The men we sent to rest at their own homes. We sit up, we women. Cleaning and shuffling about and listening. Waiting.

     

     

  • The Test of Time…..

    For the third time in 30 yrs a rag-tag group of artists, musicians and actors will gather to share some “rock star” stories and fun in the sun.  The site of this years mischief is Surfside, Texas. Right on the beach. Aghhhhhhhh. Let me hear an amen!

    Some folks are flying in and some are driving and I suspect I would crawl if I had to. We will pay homage to our ill spent youth and our high school Drama teacher,  Ma Bell, who I am thrilled to say will join us again. We will dine on fresh seafood and devour copious amounts of margaritas and sing till we can’t utter a sound. Then we will get up and do it again…and again till they make us go home on Sunday.

    I’m not sure what it is that has been the glue to keep us all so connected except to say – sometimes a teacher can give you more than a good schooling. They can give you life, a foundation that can be built upon for years. It’s not what we learned in class as much as it was what we learned thru the many hours of rehearsals and shows. We learned about ourselves and each other in ways that go beyond any class room in the country. We learned who we were and who we wanted to be and how to get there. We learned that regardless of what our circumstances may be – we could always write an alternate ending.

    I  learned I was not an island. I had to trust others like my director and fellow performers. I learned to reveal my most vulnerable parts because an audience really can tell when you’re faking it. I became aware of the fact that everything has a beginning, a middle and an end and no matter what.  The show must go on! .  There are no small parts, only small-minded people. The small-minded people have fallen away from the group and the foundation remains. All, still, just a phone call or click away when any of us need a friend.

    We’ve all needed some shoring up from time to time. Times are hard. Life is hard….but we have stood the test of time. Being there for each other just gets easier and easier.

    SO I am OFF this afternoon. Car packed and ready to go, just waiting for the proverbial “work whistle” to sound that the day is done. I’ll drive down at sunset and what a grand drive it will be.

    I love each and every one of you…but this weekend I love a crazy group of Artists, Actors and Musicians and one special teacher just a tad bit more.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

     

     

     

     

  • Just ask…..

    Sorry for the prolonged radio silence but things have been a bit chaotic. Two funerals for fathers of childhood friends in a 4 day period and my own father is barely hanging on. We take it day by day and moment by moment and know that things happen in God’s time not ours.

    I share with you today the simplest and yet most powerful meditation to date. I have been stunned at it’s power and the change it has brought to my life these past few weeks.

    So many times we  – I, focus on the lack or the problem and pray for guidance to fix it or overcome it. I took a new slant over the last few weeks. I stopped NAMING the issues and simply….asked.

    Asked?..yeah…ASKED…..that simple.

    What do I ask for and how is that different from before? Simpler still. I ASKED my heart to open………( breath deeply and exhale) ….and to receive….( Breath deeply and exhale again)….. healing. Give it a try….I’ll wait….Now, do it three or four times and visualize the door to your heart opening and receiving this flow of energy into your heart with each breath.

    Try this for a few days…that’s all it took for me to notice a change.

    I don’t bother identifying negative situations or how something will be resolved. God knows better than I do what my challenges are. I refuse to give negativity any more power by isolating the issues. I simply desire – healing and to see it flowing to me. Spiritual, emotional or physical healing. The energy of “healing” will go where it is most needed without any direction from me or my GPS locator.

    After a few days, I realize that the things that had me stressed the most I now felt peace about. I even searched for those icky feelings thinking they must be right there under the surface…like shaking a Christmas package I wanted to know what was inside…nothing…gone. Gone was the anxiety, the fear, and the dread.

    I repeat this meditation every night. I’m curious to see what happens next. 🙂

    I love each and every one of you.

    And I thank you all for your encouragement and kind words as of late.

    Much Love

    Juliana

     

  • Confidence is sexy….

    I’ve been brooding the past few days over a post that encouraged people to read my blog. Which should be good, right??  Blogs by nature are out there to be read by anyone with access to the internet and so when you expose your thoughts and views to the world you have hopes that others will be entertained, enlightened or find a kinship in your thoughts. However, there are those that will stumble upon you and target you for ridicule and use as a tool to make them feel better about themselves.

    So was the post this past week. A man in Tunisia, all the way around the world, posted the link for Diary of a Mad * FAT * WOMAN on his Facebook page with the comment, “Look at this fat lady trying to be sexy. hahaha. Check it out!“. Hmmmm. My first thought was WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU? that quickly gave way to me blocking him from the Facebook page of DOAMFW. Besides, I didn’t recall posting ANY picture of myself trying to look sexy so I’m not sure what this guy was making a fuss about. And I certainly wasn’t going to feed his ego and little man syndrome by allowing him to abuse me on my own site. BYE-BYE Mr. Tunisia!

    No, it’s not the first time, and no, I am not shocked. I have dealt with bullies all my life making crude comments about my weight. And I have endured the flip side of the coin and have had men write me about my blog saying how much they LOVED fat women. I am equally repulsed by both. Which has nothing to do with my being gay though men are the only ones swinging to  extremes on the love/hate meter.

    Diary of a MAD * FAT* WOMAN isn’t about being crazy or pissed off. Though I have certainly been both in my day. It’s about the ups and downs life hands out to us and how we handle it. It’s not about BEING FAT, it’s about being a CONFIDENT WOMAN at any size.

    I am overweight. NO DOUBT. And by today’s rules of extra thin perfection I shouldn’t EVER dare to be or feel sexy without being subject to public ridicule. And yet I KNOW what being sexy feels and looks like.

    I have felt sexy when a lover smiled at the sight of me regardless of what I was wearing or how long my day had been. I have felt sexy when they melted into me with a long, warm enveloping hug and they relaxed away their problems in that embrace. I saw sexy when their confidence soared because I gave them room to try new things without judgement. We were sexy together when we felt comfortable surrendering to each other without hesitation. That level of trust is the sexiest thing I have ever encountered. It wasn’t a size or shape, a color or class. It was the confidence in the connection we shared. That’s what sexy is to me.

    I feel compassion for the man in Tunisia who sought to bolster his own image with his friends by ridiculing the image he saw of me. His vision is so limited he might as well have been blind. He has probably passed by the most  incredible people  in his life because they didn’t meet his superficial standards. What a loss.  As we say in the South…Bless his heart.

    And bless your heart and my heart. SEXY has a way of finding you when you least expect it.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

     

     

     

  • Snapshot…..

    Healing does not mean going back to the way things were before. Healing means being able to allow yourself to live and move forward with who and what you are today at this very moment.

    SO many times in life we want to go back and heal a situation to restore it to its former glory, a marriage, a dear friendship or even a career. We want to put the pieces back like they were and complete the puzzle. We want that reward, that moment of accomplishment when you lay down the last piece and see that SNAPSHOT  of life one more time in our hands. But you can’t turn back the hands of time. Yesterday has already come and gone and the wound is already there. If you spend all your energy trying to recreate that same moment you will likely find some pieces are missing. Some were scattered on the floor, swept up and thrown away. The ones you can find are misshapen and no longer complete the same image. Healing means moving forward from the experience and building a new snapshot. A new image of what your life looks like today.

    I am not saying that love and talent can’t be restored. I am saying that it must be built anew. And that can only happen when you are ready to heal and move forward without the judgement and fear that left you wounded to begin with.

    The present is the most powerful time in your life. And what you do with it is the most important thing you can focus your energy on.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    **Remember – If you LIKE it – Feel free to SHARE it!

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Skinny-Dipping…..

    And now ladies and gentlemen, the MILLION DOLLAR QUESTION. Can FAT people SKINNY dip ? HELL YES!

    There is a HUGE misconception that overweight people CAN’T do a lot of things that everyone else can. Now granted, I personally can’t run a marathon but Kelly Gneiting, an ex-sumo wrestler who weighs 400 lbs ran one this year in California.

    The OTHER huge misconception is that overweight people are unintelligent. That if they can’t manage something as simple as their diet then they are asking to be the “go to” punch line. Society has more compassion for alcoholics, smokers, anorexics and drug addicts than they do anyone overweight. And when the opportunity presents itself – a mob mentality can take hold.

    Recently, I saw a photo of a political protest and the man was carrying a sign which had two misspelled words on it. It was posted on a website for the opposition. First the critiques were on his spelling. Then the nasty came out. Comments were made by viewers almost immediately. “No wonder he can’t spell – look how fat he is”. REALLY???? I thought to myself…and then I kept reading, the feeding frenzy continued… “Look at the muffin top on the one in front of him” they remarked about one woman..”Figures, they’re all overweight and stupid – no wonder they can’t read the constitution” chimed another. The flash “FAT” mob was in full force. A protest on Unconstitutional Legislation was reduced in 58 posts to tasteless and rude commentaries on a persons physical appearance.

    I was blown away. And PISSED. WHY was this happening? The jabs and jokes continued throughout the thread. I was absolutely dumb founded that no one made an attempt to keep the discussion on point.

    To say I hate what politics has become in America is an understatement. Civilized debates about issues that directly affect our country have taken LAST place to insults and personal jabs at differences that define us as HUMAN. The media, PR firms and campaign coordinators make a point to set their sights on everything from religious differences to hair styles, regional drawl to summer jobs when they were 16 but mostly – how they look. ARE THEY PRESIDENTIAL? DO THEY HAVE THE LOOK?

    64% of adults in America are classified as overweight and 34% are considered OBESE. The only thing that can keep an overweight person from learning is trying to learn in a hostel and vicious environment, and even then we persist. Just ask OPRAH. Grow up people! If you want to argue POLITICS be informed about the issues. If the basis of your argument is “you win because you’re thin”…then don’t count on getting a lot of votes come election time cause I have serious concerns about YOUR IQ.

    I’m gonna go skinny dipping now!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Me??? You talking to me???…..


    “Yea you!…I’m talking to you, you crazy cool pouting puss,” spouts my inner voice.

    Leave it to me to have an inner voice with an attitude. But I have to admit, I do look good in a purple jacket, red tie and blue shades. So at least my inner voice got the Crazy Cool Puss part right.

    Unfortunately….my inner voice is right about a  whole lot of stuff that I spend months if not years trying to just ignore or gloss over. Eventually it screams loud enough I have to finally listen. And when that happens, it means I have to eat crow at home over a crunchy peanut butter and jelly sandwich – no milk.

    The peanut butter sticks to the rough of my mouth so I have to work harder to get it unstuck with my tongue. I’m clinically tongue-tied so this can be a bit frustrating. There’s also those crunchy bits of peanut that I have to chew on a little extra and I spend so much time concentrating on them that the jelly is just gone before I even realize it’s there. DAMN IT!!!!!!

    Yes, Life Lessons can be reduced to a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. There is the smooth part that we ply away at, the bumpy bits we chew on and if you’re not paying attention the sweet rewards are gone before you know it. There are many layers  to every experience and you know what that makes? A Sammich!

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Piano Bar Blues……

    Yes, Mrs. Lincoln, I have had a cocktail tonight and how did you enjoy the play? “Fine Mrs. Kennedy – how was the parade?

    Okay…I had WAY to much fun working tonight. Work turned into unexpected play which is the BEST kinda play to have. I am perched up on the 18th floor of a lake resort and have to go down to check on a promotional event for a bunch of meeting planners….I’m in entertainment you seeeeee……….The DJ is in place…we nosh a bit over the steak and lobster and have a cocktail or two and as the easliy impressed corporate executives file in to the bowling Wii tounament I make my get away to the piano bar with…THE BOYS.

    Nearly deserted, the bar is quiet…..”where’s the PIANO player for the PIANO bar” we ask….”taking a break” they tell us… great….we’ll have a cocktail. We settle into the posh couches and pull our feet up on the coffee tables after a long days work as if they were our own. I look at the other people behind us – trying to decern the familiar characteristics of a “Piano player”….searching…searchin…..g searching….BINGO….It’s the blind guy!!!!! The blind guy????

    The same blind guy I saw 32 years ago at a high school talent show?….My talent show at MY high school….WTF????  I saw a woman take his arm about to lead him to the piano and I stopped them and asked…Hadden right?? she answered for him ‘Yes” ….I replied…”Are you his mother?” ohhhhhhh bad question…”No , I am his wife but I get that alot”….oh snap…..I JUST killed the conversation….

    I asked Hadden if he remembered my name and he didn’t but it was okay – I sang with his brother who was three years older.

    We settled into our couches and he began to play..none of it in my key BTW….Mr. Bojangles, Rocky Mountain High and The Entertainer…. I sang under my breath and one of my boys said – sing a song…I said “It’s NOT in my key”….Hadden’s wife chimed in – “he can play in any key just start singing”…And so I did….one song and then another….and another… and another. Lyrics supplied to me by a friend on a I phone…we started taking requests and he played so well he even followed me on a few songs he never heard before….True talent….we scooped up an extra 60 bucks for the tip jar for the folks draw in by the sound and we called it a night.

    I was down tonight when I got here…but music lifted me right up out of my skin. We’re gonna do it again tomorrow night..since I’m here all weekend. Why not!

    Music is a universal language…once you learn it , It rarely goes away. It cured what ailed me….tomorrow will be icing on the cake.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen