Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

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  • Find your STAGE DOOR and open it…..

    Well, you may have wondered what the hell happened to me. I have been absent for a while. But, have no fear, I am alive, well and living in America.

    Swamped by the crush of the holiday season at work and at home I have been running mach 90 with my hair on fire these last few months. And now I sit here in the still of  Christmas Eve morn with a cup of coffee and a few world-famous,Franklin Hollenbeck lemon squares that came special delivery all the way from Hell’s Kitchen in New York City. The US Postal Service has served me well.

    I am in the final throws of script prep for NAME IN LIGHTS….which opens in 11 days. Just a little cabaret to start off 2012. Like the sign says, “Find your STAGE DOOR and open it”.

    How ironic I would be given this plague for Christmas because that is just what I am doing. Finding my STAGE DOOR. Finding my purpose. How do you get to be damn near 49 yrs old and not know your purpose. (that’s a statement – not a question)

    HOW? or is it a WHAT?….cause, are we really looking for a purpose or are we looking for HAPPINESS? Can you find one without the other?

    When I was 5 or 6 yrs old I saw The Wizard of OZ and Dorothy told me that “IT” was “OVER THERE’”….just a step beyond the rain……Over the Rainbow. And somehow, it has felt that way for almost all my life since.

    But I have come to realize in 2011 that “IT” was there all the time. And even though I opted to wear comfortable shoes instead of ruby slippers I was just three heal clicks away from understanding that “I” was home.

    HOME is learning to be comfortable in your own skin and accepting who you are. If you aren’t comfortable with some piece or part of that then it’s time to do some house cleaning . Don’t bother calling in a maid service, you’ll need to tidy up this mess all on your own.

    Okay – I got work to do. You all have a Happy Holiday.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Going to the source…..

    This is my favorite picture from my vacation in Hawaii. My final morning when I took my rental car and headed for the Road to Hana. This picture is special. I keep this picture  in a frame top box on my coffee table to remind me of what is possible.

    That final morning I spotted a small state park on the left of the road at the turn off to Hana. I had been walking on beaches for 5 days, black sand, white sand  – but this one seemed different and I was compelled to find out why. I parked the car and walked past the tree line to the beach. I went to the water’s edge and took pictures of surfers and fishermen and tried to paint this last vista into my memory. I felt an incredible peace that morning. I turned to walk back to my car and saw a man clad only in a short white sarong walking towards me. He moved with great purpose and yet his feet seemed to barely disturb the sand.

    His skin was golden. It glowed and the light seemed to shimmer off his shoulders. I couldn’t really tell if the source was actual sunlight or if the glow radiated  from somewhere deep within his body. And it suddenly occurred to me that I was actually questioning the source of this illumination. So I continued to watch him. There was nothing subtle about my gaze.

    I stood there, transfixed on him as he walked by. He smiled and as he passed I lifted the camera to my eye and began shooting as if it was the most normal thing in the world to do. He walked away from me and up to the tree line which seemed to have a small clearing. He removed his sarong, bowed in reverence to the sun and then sat….and began his morning meditation. I just stood there…watching….this man…this master….center himself and ground his energy to the earth. He was the perfect picture of peace and I could feel it energizing my own body. I knew instantly that he knew who he was , where he had come from and where he was going.

    I never forgot that moment. I had never seen anyone so peaceful in all my life, so centered and so strong in his silence.

    People sometimes go to great lengths to be noticed. Whether they dress to impress or shout out loud, put stickers on their cars or wave banners in the air. The person who got my attention and impressed me the most these past ten yrs has been the man – who walked by and said absolutely nothing.

    I wanna be like him.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Set Sail…..

    There will come a day when I will go unseen and unknown. No forwarding address, no email or phone number.  It is the fate of all that have come before me and the waiting legacy of all who come after me. Few have the chance to choose the when, where or how. And no one can predict who will be there to hold our hand or if we will even get that final goodbye. If you have lived your life honestly and shared your love with all those that mattered along the way then when, where and with whom won’t matter. There will be no words left unspoken and no amends left unmade.

    Life is meant to be lived. Live it to the fullest.

    Life is meant to be loved. Find your passion.

    Life is meant to be shared. Keep the doors to your heart open.

    Life is simple – people are complicated, love makes it all worth while.

    When my days on earth are through set my ashes adrift on the waves between the islands of Molokai and Maui.

    Take the sailboat out of Lahaina Harbor and let the hum of the engine take you to the edge of the land mass. Cut the engine and have faith. The trade winds will whip around the end of the island and fill your sails. The boat will pitch to the side and you will find yourself moving with a purpose, sailing across the most incredible blue water you have ever seen with a grace you have never experienced before.

    This is where I will be. There, with spinner dolphins and hump back whales, filled sails and a setting sun. This is life…this is love… THIS is where you will find me.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

     

     

  • What’s a girl to do?…..

    I never, ever get a cold. EVER!!!    But this morning?

    Aching, sneezing, stuffy head, soar throat. WTF?

    My mother assured me it was all mental. A stress reaction to finding out my health insurance provider had dumped me three days ago without telling me. Lovely.

    They …(shhhhh.. .United Healthcare) had told me in July that at the end of my COBRA I would be able to convert to an Individual Policy. Sounded too good to be true…and it was. Nooooooo…They COULD convert it but they WON’T. And in some states they HAVE to convert it by law…Not Texas. Little something she neglected to mention.

    So, here I sit on my fabulous black and white contemporary sectional couch that I traded a washer/dryer set for and love oh so much, sniffling like a two year old and sneezing my proverbial ass off.

    Oh, I have all the comfy things I need…remote control, Lemon & Honey throat lozenges, Vick’s laden box of tissues, a cup of tea and a new red blanket from Urban Outfitters compliments of LAW and Kari’s discount card. Who could ask for anything more. This too shall pass.

    The insurance thing..not likely to find any takers or any takers I can possibly afford. I’m gonna get all research and tech savvy and find a lovely Canadian Pharmacy. How is it that on THAT side of the border American Pharmaceuticals are CHEAPER. Made in America – shipped a few miles north and  BINGO!!! “BOUGHT IN CANADA” means savings galore and BTW includes free shipping. So, I kinda figure it this way. Save $406.00 I was paying a month for insurance coverage and momma’s got a new pair of shoes!

    And if I just happen to get hit by a beer truck on my way to work – I’ll gladly pay the county hospital $10.00 a month…. for life. I think I’ll come out ahead. And if not, just keep it to yourself and let me live in delusion long enough to build up my wardrobe.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana Wathen

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • A big case of AGHHHHH!!!!!

    It is absolutely stupid how freeing leaving 8″ of hair behind on the salon floor made me feel this afternoon. It was a spontaneous decision. Call and if they could take me – GO! Ohhh ….I find those are the best decisions! All spur of the moment and exciting.

    I was a bundle of nerves after I made the appointment but once that girl had her hands in my hair, massaging my temples and lathering my head into a frenzy I was putty in her hands.

    Let the chopping begin!

    45 Minutes later and I am a new person.

    I feel brand new, inside and out!  I feel invincible…almost bullet proof!

    Okay  – maybe not THAT extreme but damn close. I left a lot of time lying in piles on that saloon floor.  Little Lady Clairol 61/2G Auburn piles now destined for the dust pan. And that is perfectly okay.

    When you stop re-creating, re-investing and re-inventing yourself…you’ve stopped living. Change is good. It moves us forward.

    Be Brave….Make a change.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Don’t give up the ship…..

    One of the greatest assets we can possess is HOPE. Hope gives us the ability to move forward, to see ahead through the storm and on to clearer days and calmer seas.

    It tells us “we can” when others, including ourselves, say “we can’t”. Hope is that small seed that propels us into the future. It is the spark that ignites our dreams. It is the fuel that carries us through the darkest hours and most difficult circumstances. It carries us through to the finish line.

    Hope is the passion behind every smile you see every day of your life. It nurtures and molds our ability to love unconditionally and lays the foundation for our faith. It makes us who we are.

    Without HOPE  there is no future or direction.

    There are challenging days ahead for some folks and I have only these words to share with you as they were shared with me tonight.  Don’t give up the ship.

    Never give up HOPE. I’ll lend you some of mine if you need it. I now have plenty to share.

    I love each and every one of you and today I love the Acker Family  just a little bit more. We are sending you light, love and plenty of hope.

    Juliana Wathen

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Seasons change…..And so do I…..

    There is this incredible moment ….a moment so hard to go back and pin point that you might as well not even try. A moment you just accept  as having happened as soon as you become AWARE of it.

    The AWARENESS comes well after the MOMENT.

    I sat today as I drove between jobs and tried to think…was it yesterday? …the day before? Or Monday….was it Monday??? I had to laugh to myself. The “WHEN” and “HOW” really mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. It’s the end results  that matter.

    Like many, I have actively struggled with negative feelings, fears and phobias for years. I have struggled to let them go and purge them from my daily existence. I worked to let go of anger and I’ve prayed to be released from the stranglehold of unhealthy emotions. I have read books and done meditations to find that peaceful place where these things can no longer touch me.

    Through my studies I have discovered that you can say the words, even with conviction, like “I forgive you”, “I am worthy”…or “I’m not in love this person anymore”…but it is something else  entirely to believe it and live it. The elusive goal is to no longer feel anger in the back of your throat when you speak a name, to no longer feel a longing in your heart when you hear the name of another or fear a situation. And ultimately, to gather yourself in confidence and move on without regret.

    I had that moment today…that AWARENESS moment when I realized that the season in my life had changed and I wasn’t just ready to move on but that I already had. I felt no attachment to the past and the bag of rocks I had left beside the road somewhere along the way. I couldn’t even tell you how many miles back I had dropped the burden. I was just AWARE of traveling lighter.

    With that lightness today came a joy that had been missing in my life for a long time. It’s was like welcoming a new season…rejoicing in the falls first cold front to break the oppressive heat of a dry Texas summer. There is a crispness in the air, a  lightness in my step and I know that Christmas is just around the corner. Life is a gift…sometimes it even has a bow on it!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Coming home…..

    Home is where the heart is. Sometimes that can be a pretty hard address to find. I think today I got a little directional assistance.

    For years the drive back to see my mom in my hometown always filled me with trepidation. It’s only 45 minutes north. It might as well be 4 hours. I would feel a knot in my stomach long before I ever got in the car much less down the road. It wasn’t her….It was him. I was always uneasy, never knowing what kind of mood my father might be in and what snippy comment he might have in stored for me.  He had an uncanny knack for sniffing out a persons weakest spot and zeroing in on it. He would nip at it over and over like a little yappie dog. The only way to get away from the noise was to leave. I had an internal alarm clock set to two hours – that was about my max. Then on the road and back home where I knew I could finally breath again.

    In the last year the drive was made more complicated and uneasy by having to drive right past the road that led to my ex’s. Many a time I would find myself on the feeder road having exited without realizing it. It was just second nature. I never traveled past it without thinking about the home, the kids and even the dog that lay just down the road. It just became part of the ordeal in going to my parents house.

    Today, the tides changed. I was singing along to classic rock… Freddie Mercury and Queen…bad Company, Jefferson Airplane….I was ROCK’IN! And suddenly, I found myself across the river bridge and approaching downtown Conroe. I giggled to myself because honestly, I was a little taken aback. I had made it from my house to Conroe and NOT thought about ….ANYTHING. WOW!…and then I realized the knot in my stomach that had been there every time I crossed that river bridge for years wasn’t there either. In Fact…I was looking forward to getting out to the house and seeing my mother and the progress she has made on cleaning out the house since my fathers passing 30 days ago.

    I picked her up and we went to town for some light shopping and lunch. She shared with me that the lady she walked with every morning asked her how she was “really” feeling. She told me she just didn’t feel anything. She wondered out loud if that made her a bad person. I assured her it did not. Because I feel the same.

    I don’t feel sad. Some things I used to feel sad about. Like taking the wrong exit when my life no longer lies down the end of a particular road. But I don’t feel sad anymore. About that or my dad. Both were just  unfortunate circumstances with unfortunate endings.

    My heart is healing and I could actually feel that today. It felt just like “coming home” should feel.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • The common sense of giving…..

    When you give a homeless man a dollar on the street, you would never expect him to give you a dollar the next day or next year. You gave it because you had it to spare and he had none.You have no expectations of ever seeing that dollar again and you go on with your life. If you didn’t have that dollar in your pocket – you would not have offered it.This is the common sense of giving.

    I keep running into people who complain and actually work themselves into a tizzie explaining that they give and give to friends, co-workers, or loved ones and that those people never reciprocate. Somehow, simply knowing the person they are giving too wraps a layer of immense expectation around the gifts whether the gift is money, time or attention. Often…it is because they gave when they didn’t have it to spare or they had to make adjustments in their own lives to be able to offer the gift.

    Examples range from:

    I was there for my sister when her marriage failed she can’t spare 10 minutes and a cup of coffee to listen to my troubles.

    I did without for years so my children would have what they need. Now they are working and I need help and it doesn’t even dawn on them that I might need help in my later years.

    I volunteer for extra shifts all the time for one of my co-workers when they have special occasions they want to take off for and I can’t ever get her to take a shift for me when I need it.

    I make compromises in my relationship with my lover and she never seems to be willing to negotiate and meet me halfway.

    Stop looking to the SISTER to give you the time back. Stop expecting the support you gave to come back to you from the person you gave it to.

    DO NOT GIVE WHAT YOU CANNOT SPARE

    AND

    DO NOT GIVE WITH CONDITIONS:

    THAT IS NOT GIVING….

    IT IS HEDGING A BET THEY THAT INDIVIDUAL WILL GIVE IT BACK WHEN YOU NEED IT.

    Give freely all your gifts of love, attention and support to the people that are in need in your life. Give without expectation just as you would give to the homeless man on the corner . The gifts will come back to you from a hundred different directions if you just stop looking for it and let it. “Letting” it means, not looking for it because you are most certainly not looking in the right place. It just makes common sense.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Coming out of the closet……

    You would think, in this day and age, that educated people would readily accept the fact that GAY people are everywhere and that the need for a NATIONAL COMING OUT DAY  – like today – would just be unnecessary. You would also think that they would have an understanding that gay people live, go to work and pay our taxes just like everyone else does.  Some actually do know that and no longer consider sexuality as a DIS-QUALIFIER  for acceptance in their lives and the lives of their loved ones.

    The truth of the matter is that there is still a social stigma so great that it is literally killing our children. Think you aren’t part of the problem – think again. Children are taught to hate at home. They are taught who to accept and who to shun. Who is less and who is greater than. It is reflective in our schools where kids as young as nine years old are committing suicide because of the unrelenting and unmanaged taunting from other children. At that age, most children have no CONCEPT of their sexuality so it just makes it harder for them to comprehend the negative and harsh treatment they endure at the hands of their peers.

    My sexuality is not what defines me as a person anymore than my skin color, race or religion. But it is just as large a target for discrimination.  So today…I stand up for those that can’t. I stand up for the little boy who runs thru the playground with “Jazz Hands” and defend his right to a safe childhood…I cheer the little girl who would rather run drills on the basketball court than the runways on Toddlers and Tiaras. I thank the great contributors before me that were gay but didn’t let their sexuality keep them from living and reaching for their dreams. Tchaikovsky to Bessie Smith, Alexander the Great to Pope Julius III and Barbra Jordan to Socrates all incredible individuals who contributed their beauty and talents to the world and just happened to have accomplished it loving someone of the same sex.

    My hope is that someday ones sexual preference becomes as small a blip on others radars as ones preference of dogs over cats, chinese food over pizza or choosing to wearing PJ’s  rather than sleeping naked. If you’re a cat lover who likes eating pizza and sleeping naked…..call me.

    HAPPY COMING OUT DAY!

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen