Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Blog

  • Oprah moment.

    Would Oprah be Oprah if she had a different past? Would she have the extraordinary compassion and ability to relate to all types of personal trials and tribulations had she not come from a broken and dysfunctional family and challenging early years?

    We all know at least bits and pieces of the story. Her mother was absent most of her life and she was raised by a grandmother and later sent to her father. She was sexually abused by family members and plagued by years of weight issues and yet she has become one of the most influential people on the planet. How can all that be chance?

    How much of my own life has been chance?

    A cousin of my father’s contacted me this week on Facebook for his current mailing address. She said as a casual matter of fact that he would be 80 yrs old in March and though she didn’t remember the exact date she would love to surprise him with a card. The sad fact was I neither realized he would be 80 nor did I know the date of his birth.

    My father was emotionally and at times physically absent all of my years. To learn to expect less from him I called him by his first name, Denver, since I was a teenager. It somehow softened the blow that he was not the “daddy” I thought I should have had.My siblings followed suit. He is DENVER to us all.

    I have to believe that I am who I should be and that in living in THIS moment all my past has led me to this instance. I am where I should be. I am being touched by and touching the lives and moments of the people I surround myself with for a reason. And today is good.

    In recognizing and truly absorbing that personal truth I have to say. It is never too late. Never too late to take the time to say thank you and celebrate the life of a spirit that had his own personal journey to master. Did he accomplish the goals he had for himself in life? Only he knows for sure and he is not likely to tell you one way or another. That’s okay. I am who I am because of the influences he had in my life. Whether I perceived them as negative or positive is neither here nor there. When you live in the NOW all is good. If you don’t like something about your life at this point it is your responsibility to change it.

    Time to run – I have a birthday party to plan.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Take no prisoners.

    The word of the day is SURRENDER:

    As defined by the dictionary as to declare yourself defeated: to declare to an opponent that he or she has won so that fighting or conflict can cease

    give up possession of something: to relinquish possession or control of something because of coercion or force.

    It all sounds rather negative to me. So how can I SURRENDER to my higher power? Who do I surrender too? The nagging fear of loss keeps me from letting go.

    I have surrendered in small isolated instances in the past. I have surrendered to an audience of thousands and felt them lift me to unexpected heights. I have surrendered in silence to a soul mate in a simple gaze. There is electricity in the air and my body adsorbs every bit of energy in the room. It is exhilarating and yet I still struggle to allow myself to feel that on a daily basis. I remind myself that I am worthy and deserve all that life has to offer. Yet I struggle. The conflict is real.

    But I realize that there is no outside force or foe.The battle is with myself and  I am in fact the one I need to surrender to.

    I surrender this day to my higher self. It is not a loss. It is a gift.I am not defeated, I am the victor.

    I will not allow conflict with myself to rule my day. Being kind to me and making healthy choices throughout my day is not something I have to coerce or force myself to do. It is a honor and a privilege  and worth taking the time to do.

    There is absolute freedom in ultimate surrender.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • It takes a village.

    I had someone ask me the strangest but most sincere question I had ever heard in my life last night. In response to the diary entry I had posted on Friday where I made mention of a trip to the doctor and the novel concept that I wasn’t all alone.

    (But he wasn’t done with me yet…”So what are WE going to do about your weight?” he asked. “WE”…what an interesting thought.  Just when I thought I was in this all alone. Then it dawned on me. We are never alone – even when we think we are.)

    I was asked. “May I be one of your WE?”  I cocked my head and looked at him questioningly. “I would like to be there when and if you need support in any way. May I be a WE?   WOW! What an incredible question. I was moved and realized what he was referring to. My answer? …. Hell yes you may.

    I have had friends through the years that I felt were my best friends. They were my best friends because they needed me and my unspoken desire was ultimately to feel needed. So I gravitated to the co-dependent. I enabled them to remain in a state of need whether it was emotional, physical or financial so that I would always have a place in their life. These relationships were dysfunctional and instead of filling the glass, they drained the pond.

    As I have grown, this type of friendship has been removed from my life and the relationships I have now and that are continuing to come into my life are ones of balance.

    There is a village of “WE” developing around me. People both seen and unseen who love and support me through thought, word and deed. I in turn have found a peace in friendships that no longer NEED or DRAIN me but feed my soul with the simple knowledge that they are there.

    They do not judge which direction I choose. They just wish me well on my journey. They don’t ask me to walk their journey unless our paths cross and it is comfortable for us both to journey together for a while. I am delighted to be a part of the WE village.

    May I be a part of your WE?

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

  • Beauty school drop out!

    When was the last time you allowed yourself to feel beautiful? Yes, I know it’s a big word. Oh, I’m sorry. I wasn’t referring to the “B” word. I was talking about the “A” word. ALLOW.

    When was the last time you allowed or GAVE YOURSELF PERMISSION to feel beautiful?  Oh yeah, it’s all on you babe. There are things we do to “make ourselves” feel pretty; a trip to the salon, a new outfit or losing 10 lbs and suddenly we have a little swagger in our step. We hold our head higher. We walk a little brisker. We smile more easily.

    What if I told you that capturing that feeling of confidence is a choice? What if I told you it could be yours without the trip to the salon or the new outfit? All you have to do is ALLOW it.

    When I was a little girl, no more than 5 years old, I asked my father as many little girls do. “Daddy, am I pretty?”…He thought for a moment and replied while patting my head, “I would have to say you are a little bit homely but don’t worry about it”. I wasn’t quite sure what that meant. So I went to my mother and asked her. “Mom, what does “homely” mean?”…she smiled at me oblivious to my conversation with my father and said, “Well, it’s not very pretty, just kind of plain.”

    That brief moment in time molded my decisions for the next 41 years. I did not allow myself to feel pretty. I felt lost in a world where being pretty meant being popular and accepted. I just accepted the notion that I was plain. Agh! But I am far from plain my little grasshopper.

    Make the choice to allow yourself to feel beautiful .Make the choice to allow others to see your beauty. I was 46 years old before someone called me “Beautiful Girl” and I allowed myself to believe it as strongly as I did the comments of my father all those years ago. It was a choice then as it is a choice now. Give yourself permission to be beautiful in every way, in every aspect of your day.  Hold your head high, put a swagger in your step and smile a toothy grin…people will stop, look and listen. Tell them they are beautiful!!!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Bear of a morning.

    I had a bear of a morning. I mistakenly thought that if my doctor’s appointment was early enough say….9am, that I would be in and out in a flash. My elbow has been killing me ever since I moved last month. But since this is my new Primary Care Physician the nurse promptly escorted me to the SCALE. Aghhhh jeeze!! Really??  It’s my ELBOW!

    Yes, I stepped on the scale and there weren’t too many surprises as far as I was concerned. I have lost 7 lbs since I moved but in the GRAND scheme of things the nurse was less than impressed with my numbers.

    The Doctor took the time to jot down all my medical history and look at my elbow and diagnosed “Tennis Elbow”. He told me to go purchase a strap available at most all pharmacies and give it a few weeks. If it was still bothersome then it would need to have cortisone shot. LOVELY!

    But he wasn’t done with me yet…”So what are WE going to do about your weight?” he asked. “WE”…what an interesting thought. Just when I thought I was in this all alone. Then it dawned on me. We are never alone – even when you think you are.

    I just found out last night that a few years back while performing in Miami that several of the others I performed with recognized that I was having extreme difficulty with the traveling and the heat. I have heart failure and the trip was taking a toll. It wasn’t till last night that I found out just how much other people care. These two friends I performed with had taken the time to locate the nearest Hospital and had researched and mapped the fastest route for getting me out of each theatre. They made sure that others were aware to keep an eye on me as well. I never knew. I thought I had handled it all myself. Rarely do we actually do that. People hold our hands ever day through thought and prayer. They are the silent supporters that carry us through our days. NO ONE gets there alone. And the beauty is – you never, ever had to to begin with.

    So thank you Dr. Le for taking the time when I impatiently thought I had none to point out that the Universe continues to nudge me in the direction of a healthier life every day. And that even when I think I am handling everything myself – I am standing on the spiritual shoulders of all those that love and hold me dear.

    I love each and every one of you. God Bless.

  • OPEN

    Are you OPEN for business? Are you actively participating in your daily life or are you closed for repairs.

    I heard a story once of a monk who retreated to the top of the mountain to attain enlightenment. Days, months and even years passed till he thought he had a firm grasp on a peaceful attitude and an enlightened state of mind.

    He decided to go down into a near village to share the wondrous secrets he had learned. So he gathered his staff and his robs and began his journey back to humanity. As he made his way down the mountain people began to notice him and come out of their houses for he had been gone for a very long time. Many were surprised to see him still alive. Children followed quickly on his heels. A crowd gathered all around him. The people were so excited to see the Monk. The crowd grew larger and he began to be bumped and pushed as more people wanted to get closer to the Monk. Many reached out to touch his garment. Some reached for the touch of his hand. A few even pulled his hair hoping for a keepsake of this man for they were sure he had attained greatness on his quest.

    The Monk began to feel anxious and trapped. His calm demeanor had been replaced by pure fear. He grew more uncomfortable by the moment as the crowd swept him down the street. He pushed his way to the front of the pack in an attempt to escape but could not break free. He finally just stopped and screamed as loud as he could… The crowd stopped and stared at him. Finally a child spoke and said to the Monk in an excited voice. “What secrets have you brought to us, Monk?”

    The Monk began to weep. He realized that for all the years of self imposed exile in search of the meaning of life and spiritual enlightenment he robbed himself of the daily experience of life itself.

    We only grow by what we do, what we see and how we perceive the world around us. Being OPEN for business, open for new experiences in life, is what brings life our way. Seize the day!

  • RoadBlock

    Diary of a MAD FAT WOMAN…..Roadblocks

    • “When the Universe throws out one roadblock after another, how do you know whether the message is to quit or to redouble your efforts?”

    I saw this as a status post yesterday. And it really got me to thinking. Life has been FULL of roadblocks and detours and there have been a few that have definitely made me want to just curl up and die. There have been other times I just dug in my heels, redouble my efforts and insisted on taking THAT particular road at all costs. Call it head strong, call it stubborn but really I was just resisting the tug of gravity to move in the right direction.

    I have found that the Universe erects these roadblocks to nudge us in a new direction or a new way of approaching life. Some of our greatest accomplishments have come about because of our greatest challenges.

    I set upon a path of journaling to help me focus on moving ahead. I thought I would never recover from the ending of a relationship that I saw as the love of my life. My health was spiraling out of control and I had no true passion for living. 48 yrs old and alone, I only had myself to talk me out of this overwhelming depression. So I did just that. I talked to myself and put it on paper and out to the Universe to hold me accountable. It has been therapy and an unexpected blessing. Responses come in everyday from people who have had the same feelings and questions in life. I am my own voice and I realize I am also theirs. 780 people read  DOAMFW…Hiding in Plain Sight yesterday. I am blown away.

    My relationship was unsuccessful but the rewards and lessons I learned from it will bless me for the rest of my life. There are no mistakes, only life experiences. So the next time life throws you a roadblock. Stop, Look and Listen and see what direction the Universe is trying to nudge you into. LIFE, it’s the best Map Quest EVER!

  • Hiding in plain sight.

    Many of us spend each day HIDING IN PLAIN SIGHT. We are content to go unnoticed and undiscovered.

    I am guilty. Yes, I have developed my own well defined defenses that will keep my head down and in a word give me a sense of being SMALLER than I am. I will avoid wearing make-up most days, hardly ever wear jewelry and dress for comfort rather than to impress. Because what happens when I do make myself presentable?  PEOPLE  NOTICE.

    The funny thing is – it’s not just about size and weight. People from all walks of life practice this every day. People who think they aren’t pretty enough, smart enough or successful enough. I have to ask what ENOUGH is? Who determines that sliding scale of acceptability? Well genius, it is self imposed.

    Yes, there I go again. It is our own responsibility to determine our place in the world. We determine how much attention we garner every day. Being noticed is another way of being held accountable. I for one have avoided being held accountable as long as I can.  So the next time you try to convince yourself you are just a wall flower, ask yourself, from whom are you hiding?

  • What’s for dinner?

    Hello Universe. What’s for dinner? Hmmmmm. Guess I have gotten into a rut of always eating and doing the same thing every week. It’s a routine and I know it well. It didn’t dawn on me to change it …much. I mean, I know when I cruise the aisles at Kroger I should make healthier choices. After all, the last time I took my measurements my body shape was neither apple nor pear shaped. Nope – my shape more resembled a triple dipped ice cream cone from Dairy Queen.Girl just throw some candied sprinkles on me and call me DELICIOUS!

    Some days it is just hard to move my body.EVERYTHING hurts! Reason says I should go downstairs and get on the fancy dancy treadmill in the work out room but it just seems boring, NO bells, NO whistles.  Besides…when do I ever listen to reason. And who the hell is she anyway!Why can’t they make a slot machine/treadmill combo. Now THAT I could go for. Cha CHING!!!!

    Mid life has gotten stale and that is my fault. So it dawned on me to try something NEW. Time to broaden my horizon past the NCIS marathon every evening.

    I bought a Beginning YOGA DVD and the most obnoxiously bright pink Yoga matt I could find. I was determined to end my Sunday night stretching, breathing and breaking my body, mind and spirit into some new and untried ground.

    I put on comfortable clothes that would let me move. I relocated the coffee table and inserted the DVD and rolled out my new hot pink matt…I was ready!

    Then nothing…damn thing wouldn’t play. The cable man had not hooked up the DVD player and try as I may I could NOT get the thing to work. I huffed and puffed and moved the TV around. I fiddled and faddled all to no avail.The YOGA work out was supposed to be a 20 minute relaxing and exhilerating experience…instead I had a thirty minute workout man handling electronics. And you know what – I’ll be damned if I didn’t feel better!

    So my plan may not have worked the way I had intended and yes – Carlos will be coming over to hook up the electronics properly sometime this week. But I think I’m gonna like this new BIG GIRL YOGA!

    Think outside the box – Try something new this week!!!

  • The Duck made me do it!

    I don’t know about you but there is nothing better to me than relaxing in a nice hot bubble bath at the end of a long cold day.Aghhhhhhh. And well, let’s face it – you are NEVER too old for bath toys. I have several. So it was just me, my loufa and my ducks. Aghhhh the luxury. As I watched the ducks bob around my ankles it suddenly hit me. The DUCK made me do it! What a great excuse. And how funny would it be if every time you heard someone put the blame on their unsavory decisions on THE DUCK.

    Sounds pretty silly doesn’t it. But it is that simple. We either operate from faith or fear. That is what molds each decision we make everyday. We either BELIEVE or have faith in what we are doing and who we are or we are fearful and fill our days with senseless reactions.

    When we make a good decision. We claim it. We “thought long and hard” and made the right choice. But often when we feel we might have made the wrong choice we put the blame outside ourselves. The Devil made me do it. Or I was “talked” into it, or my partner said I should. We REMOVE our responsibility. But actually – you put just as much thought into the wrong decision by deciding not to own your own destiny.

    So think about it today. Listen to those around you and listen to yourself.

    Are you living in Faith? Do you know who you are and where you are going? Or is their a duck in your tub taking the blame for your water logged fingers and toes looking like prunes.

    Just a thought

    Juliana