Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Blog

  • Southern Comfort…..

    “DENVER WATHEN’S ham-sized hands cradled his reel with the sensitivity of a surgeon feeling a pulse. Then he quickly lowered the rod tip, cranked up slack line, and reared back hard enough to cross the eyes of an alligator.”  Bob Brister  – Houston Chronicle 1986

    We were told yesterday that my father, Denver, has Bladder Cancer and all the doctors can offer at this point is to keep him comfortable. So we took him back home. I took notice of how poorly he looked, hap-hazardly shaven and thin silver hair the length of General Custard’s at the last stand.It curled up and over his collar. We are past the point of taking “Mohammed to the mountain” to get a hair cut. He is not well enough to make the trip. So, I did what I thought I should do for the man I rarely touch. I offered to cut his hair. I have worried these last few years how I would be able to step up and do the right thing for him in his end days. And now that day is here. Come to find out, a horribly dull set of house scissors and a old black comb were all I needed to comfort him. He had to rest half way thru, sitting up was a chore. But in the end he managed and I managed. We muddled through together each realizing this was uncharted territory. Before I left, he thanked me ….for cutting his hair…and for staying a while.

    He was always most comfortable on a lake fishing I guess. Mexico, Yucatan, or Cuba. The staff writer who traveled down to Mexico to fish with him in 1986 sure seemed to capture that in the quote above.

    How do you keep THIS man comfortable?. A step at a time. A day at a time. I’m sure it will come to me when I need it most. Just like yesterday.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Straw and mud hut in Africa
    Hippos on the lake in Africa
    Denver's cabana in Cuba

  • Final Days…..

    Rough Days 101….It’s a core course. But I’m sure you get credit for it. Least I hope so.

    We lost a dear college friend this weekend. Randy Sparks passed away from a massive heart attack. He was in his early 40’s and leaves behind a son and a wife and more friends than you could fit in the largest theatre on Broadway. He was so loved and will be so missed. I cried like a baby when I heard the news.

    This morning I open Facebook to see my former roommate is in Katy Methodist. He experienced classic symptoms last night of a heart attack and in the wake of Randy’s sudden death went straight to the hospital. He sent me a text this morning thru his partner that he was doing okay as he prepares for more tests today. He is newly married, has a wonderful son and is so loved by so many. The only thing I could bring him he said was an extra million dollars …if I had it sitting around. I know he will be okay….But I cried like a baby.

    And then there was 3. My Father’s name is Denver, and that is what we all call him….we don’t call him Dad, Daddy, Father or Pop. He has never been any of those things to any of his children. He wasn’t a good husband or provider for his family. He just was never there for us.  He never learned to think beyond “Me, Myself and I” which was a legacy passed down from his own parents. Every one of his children vied for his attention in one way or another throughout some point in their lives. We all threw in the towel years ago , me included. Now in his finals days he seems shocked and amazed that no one “talks” to him. No one calls. My mother tends to his needs and we are polite for the most part but it doesn’t dawn on us to actually ….”act” like he exists as anything more than a thorn on our mothers side. A wheel chair bound amputee, COPD, PAD, Diabetes, Heart failure, dementia and now this week ,urine as black as night.  She takes him back to the doctor today and to yet another hospital stay. She tells me by phone that he stopped her this morning to say in his off-hand manner. “It’s really best that I just pass on, none of the kids talk to me anyway”…….OMG! Really??? What does he expect????  That was my first reaction. Defensive, bitter….that 8yr old little girl he pushed to the side so many times just lept right out of me. I choked it back down and assured my mother that we would do what we needed to do to make him comfortable and to call me once he was admitted. I hung up the phone …..and I cried like a baby.

    Regardless of what he did or didn’t do and all the reasons why. How do you, excuse me, I let another human being die thinking they were unloved. When do you throw away the tally card that lists all the reasons why and replace it with why not? Take away the equation that he was supposed to be my father. If he were a stranger, dieing on the street, I would hold his hand and stroke his hair and tell him it would be okay. That he wasn’t alone.   What will it cost me to do the same for Denver? Money? Pride? NO……Just FORGIVENESS. Do I have any left to give? I honestly don’t know…..still hard to commit. All that baggage of the past weighs so heavy on the scale.

    But I don’t live in the past anymore. I live in the now. And I have to keep reminding myself that each new day has a clean slate.

    Randy knew he was loved, Jay KNOWS he IS loved and Denver??? Well, it’s a rough day and it still makes me cry like a baby….Lord give me strength.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

  • Top 10 list for a class reunion…..

     GOING WILD AND HAVING FUN – WE’RE THE CLASS OF ’81

    They just don’t make high school cheers the way they (we) used to. I have a  30 year high school class reunion in 11 days….yep 30 yrs….OMG!  Okay – that exclamation was not for the number of years but for the revelation I have experienced lately listening to all the 48 yr olds whine how “no one will remember who I am” and “I don’t think any one liked me back then” or “those people scared the hell out of me then why would I wanna see them NOW?”

    Take a breath…a deep, deep, deeeeep breath….(just like in the 80’s except without the funny lil pipe) and let it out……..

    GET OVER IT! You were not the wall flower you thought you were. You were not invisible for 4 years of school, 7 classes a day and just because you skipped the pep rally and went to the lake or to play darts and scarf down at beer at Weber’s BBQ before health class, we still have a pretty good recollection of who we went to school with.

    Here are some easy guidelines to get you through the weekend.

    1.) SOMEONE had a crush on you that you never knew about. He’ll probably blurt this out while introducing you to his 3rd wife. Don’t worry. He is harmless.

    2.) The guy you had a crush on that you were sure didn’t know you existed…he didn’t ask you out because he thought you were too pretty to say “yes” to him or what the hell. He’s just GAY – get over it!

    3.) And ANY BODY that introduces you to their partner? Most likely NOT who they work with but who they live with – again….get over it!

    4.) Those pretty girls that never offered to share their lip-gloss in the bathroom will be begging you to buy their Arbonne Cosmetic line out of the trunk of their car.

    5.) The guy that  hung out at the PATIO between classes with the long hair wearing rock concert t-shirts and jeans everyday with his leather “monkey knot” necklace from PDAP….retired CEO of an internet start up. The BENTLEY in the parking lot is his. He may have even tossed you his keys when he pulled up honestly mistaking you for the valet.

    6.) Speaking of hair – if they HAD hair – they may not now, be prepared. If they didn’t have boobs – well, the ones they bought in LA may put your eye out, be equally prepared.

    7.) If someone shows up in your personal space every blasted time you walk out of the bathroom…don’t panic. They are not stalking you, they just can’t hold their beer any better than you can.

    8.) BTW….Report all stalkers to Management.

    9.) If he’s divorced now…and you’re divorced and ….you’re thinking…. it’s fate….it’s probably the vodka…which is probably WHY you are divorced…and he’s divorced….proceed with caution.

    10.) If you’ve had a sex change operation and feel the need to show the former Cheerleaders & Pep Squad how they SHOULD have done it…go to the bar immediately and ask the bartender to find me  or Lori  Acker-Westmoreland, we have experience with  interventions.

    People change, people stay the same…I think it’s worth the risk to see the results.

    After all – I was just a shy, delicate flower in High School and I haven’t changed a bit.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Back in School…..

    Aghhhh the Lessons…..life is full of them. Sometimes they are easy and sometimes you have to repeat them over and over. First, you claim you just had a teacher that sucked and you just know you could have aced it if you just had a decent teacher. They were gunning for you from day one!

    The fact of the matter is LIFE IS A LESSON…and if you don’t GET IT the first time it will present itself over and over and over until YOU do get it!.

    Sometimes, distance gives us clarity and it is easy to see another person’s  life lesson because they are running parallel to our own experience. Compassion leads us to stick our nose in and offer our opinion. To raise the flag and say “Danger, danger Will Robinson!” Don’t feel like a failure if they don’t heed the warnings.

    In attempting to steer them away from the heart break or crisis you know is coming you are actually interfering with THEIR LIFE LESSON. Sometimes the lesson IS the heart break , the disappointment or defeat. Their lesson IS the crisis AND the recovery. If you interfere today, then you just delay their lesson till tomorrow.

    Show TRUE compassion, show the unconditional love of the Christ Consciousness. Allow people you care about to live out the lessons they have called into their own lives whether is be addiction, co-dependency or just plan fear to stand on their own two feet.  Support them with positive thoughts and prayer that they receive peace, love and perfect understanding from the Universe. THAT is Help. THAT is Compassion. THAT IS LOVE, BABY.

    Be happy that you worked thru YOUR life lesson and have moved on to the next. Allow them to do the same.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Shifting sands……

    The shifting sands of life can sometimes seem to spread out in every direction and appear so vast an expanse of nothing-ness that you lose your bearings. Sand spills into every opening in your shoes making every step you take that much more difficult and uncomfortable. The hot winds have left you so parched you couldn’t call out a name if you tried. Progress seems impossible. Survival both emotional, mental and physical is challenged to the breaking point.

    Stop – Look – Listen. That is not a freight train coming at you….it is an OASIS.

    There you will find water to quench your thirst, shelter from the hot pounding rays of the sun and food to feed your soul.

    Life is hardest when we put up the fight to cross the desert all in one trip. Take your time.

    The prize is not in the far away distance…. the prize is already in your hand. Relax your grip and open your hand wide. Make room for the hand of inner voice to guide you to safety.

    All that you have been and all that you have done has been a journey worth taking. There is more to come…..once you have rested.

     

    I love each and every one of you. Today I say to someone I love – Love yourself just a little bit more.

    Juliana

  • Ho…Ho…Ho…


    I know what you’re thinking. It is WAY to early to start thinking about Christmas – even Christmas in July! Which, by the way, falls on a Monday this year and since it STILL has not been recognized by anyone other than Summer Rep Actors and the local department stores, most of us will have to  – dare I say  – work on Christmas (in July) Day.

    Out of respect for the age old holiday I will host a Christmas Eve in July soiree at my place Sunday afternoon, July 24th. Sing-a-long is mandatory!

    ANY HUUUUU

    So, even though Santa is sipping pina colada’s on the beach outside his condo down in Cancun right now he still is making time to deliver early to the people at the TOP of his list…..LIKE ME!!!!!!!

    Two days ago I found out that the wiper motor I replaced 4 months ago on my zoom-zoom Mazda is now part of a major recall and they are reimbursing folks who already paid to have it fixed. That would be me!

    CHA CHING! That’s just free money people!

    And yesterday, I found my favorite silver necklace in the glove box of same said zoom-zoom car that I was sure I left behind at my ex’s house over a year ago. It wasn’t like I could just call her up and say “Hey, can I come look for my necklace?” or “have you seen any of my jewelry lately?”….That would involve her answering her phone, number one and you know how that is…so I just figured it was gone and I would pout about it every time it would have “made my outfit”.I envisioned it lost in the nether regions of the couch which someday will probably go to Goodwill. Somebody would buy it and make it their own and they will have the guts to reach there hand WAY DOWN IN THERE and they will retrieve my wonderlust necklace.  They too will experience the wonder of Christmas in July.

    So you see, Christmas has come early this year cause Santa knows I have been a very, very good girl so far.

    And just in case you need some suggestions Santa, I’m still missing my Bobby Sherman Lunch box from 1969…Just saying!!

    Life is a circle, good things always come back around!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

     

     

     

  • Circle of Life…..

    How many times have you said  ” Another time, another place and this would have worked perfectly” or “just not in the stars right now”. It seems to have been ‘MISSED” Synchronicity.
    Synchronicity is the coming together of inner and outer events in a way that cannot be explained by cause and effect and that is meaningful to the observer. ( Carl Jung)
    I recently read about “missed” synchronicity and how there really is no such thing.
    “You live in a circle,  If what came around when the timing was not appropriate was missed, it will come around again.  That is an honor in the NOW, is it not?  When you are in the NOW, you understand the circular way life works.  You will also understand that it is Spirit Who brings what you think you missed. ”  KRYON
    That was a chunk to chew on….. but I think I get it.
    Imagine a carousel and like most carousels it has a brass ring. The ring “synchronicity” is the constant. It does not waver or go away. The moving factor is YOU.How many times will you pass the ring before you NOTICE it? How long, once you become aware of the ring, will it take for you to realize you can reach out an take hold of it? How many times will you make adjustments in your position to grasp it successfully?
    Great things happen to great people and the beauty is we are all great.  Haven’t you reached a goal before and when you reflected  upon the series of seemingly unrelated events that led you to that great moment it just seemed magical. Did you feel like all the stars just lined up perfectly for you in that instance. I’ve experienced it.
    Spirit presents multiple brass rings in life. Some we see, some we grab and some pass us by unnoticed. The possibilities never waver, they are always there.
    Life is a ride….grab the ring baby! If you don’t see it right now. Just keep your eyes open. BE AWARE.  It will come your way again.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

  • Wonder Woman…..

    Reluctantly I admit, that even though I have the cape, matching underwear and the whip, I am not a 21-year-old Super Hero. Damn it!

    I  am the 48-year-old woman who succumbed to heat exposure on Sunday whilst swimming & trying to blend the 4 shades of freckles on my body into a uniform tan. Alas, I must raise my hand and stand tall just like the twelve step program recommends and admit to myself and others that with this bevy of freckles, my tan looks more like an incomplete, faux finishing project at a Hobby Lobby class than a Hawaiian Tropics pin-up girl. Grrrrrrrrr.

    It has taken me till tonight to get back on my feet. So is the life of a girl with heart failure who pushes her physical  boundaries just a tad too much sometimes. Double Grrrrrr.

    So I spent the whole day yesterday lifeless and sleeping. Sleeping and dreaming. Dreaming and sleeping. It’s at these times I feel the gentle nudge of spiritual guardians reminding me to slow down and focus. To be more aware of my surroundings and the people in my life. To enjoy the moment and live in the present. To listen to my body and let it guide me. There is more time left than I can ever imagine and the concept of that time is always expanding.

    I have filtered out that which is unreal and embraced what is. I am that I am. I am here to experience the things that I am not so that I can know better that which I am. I am a trained singer, not a writer and yet I am a writer now and it is real. I’m not hiding behind other people’s words, emotions  and flowing melody in a song. I am writing my own. I am living my own. I don’t have to  hide behind the mask of a Super Diva any longer.

    I’m keeping the cape, the matching underwear………..and the whip….cause lets just face it – everybody likes a little dress up every now and then. wink…wink…nod…nod….

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

     

  • More please…..

    There are two kinds of people in the world:

    There are those that are willing to step out in faith and make things happen. They are the people willing to seize the day and grab hold of the enormous energy the Universe sends their way. They succeed because they have a broader vision of their worth and value to the world. They achieve more and contribute more because they accept that they can be more.

    And then,  there are those that don’t understand the power of faith and participation. They don’t appreciate their own value and the power of who they are and from where they came. They hedge their bets that if they just sit tight something will come their way. If it doesn’t, then they must not have deserved it. They let circumstance guide their lives. They define who they are by what others give them. Their perceived accomplishments are simply a collection of handouts they rarely can hold onto.

    I have found that the key to unlocking the FAITH and courage to step out on groundless ground is accepting that you deserve to have the ground reach up to support you on your journey.

    I used to live a different life. I thought that if I focused all my energy on caring for someone and taking care of their needs that I would have value. Mistakenly, I waited for them to define my worth. To pat my head and say I mattered. I based my value and my place in the world on how much I could do for them and how much it would be appreciated. I let someone else determine my worth. I always felt at the end of the day like I was the orphan in Oliver always holding up my cup and saying “More please” because I was left hungry for more love and acceptance.

    I made the conscious decision last year to define my own value and  focus all the energy I had been giving away to others on myself. I stepped out and grabbed hold of an incredible life energy, a life line that raised me above the drama and conflict that I had been wrapped in. And as things began to open up for me and the possibilities grew I realized that I began to matter more to myself. I began to eat better, live cleaner and take care of myself like I had never done before. I found myself sitting on the corner of life just waiting for me to ask myself to come out and play. And when I did,wow,  the world is a frick’in awesome playground. I think the monkey bars are my favorite.

    It’s amazing to realize that by simply shifting the focus off someone or something outside myself and redirecting it back to the child within me that so many rewards would come my way. The more I work on “ME” and the more I share that work with others the more people validate my life and say “I MATTER” by the hundreds. It feeds me. I am no longer the hungry orphan. I can be anything I choose to be, an artist, a writer, a singer, a friend or a lover. I have more to give because I make sure I am taken care of first. I eat so that I have the energy to feed others. I work out so that I am strong enough to lend a helping hand. I take care of myself so that I can actually be there for others.

    If you want to matter more to those around you. Matter more to yourself.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana


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  • Slap my ass and call me Daisy…..

    During my “quiet time” at the pool this afternoon I got to thinking. Hmmmmm. They say that everyone should have a spiritual animal guide, I wonder what animal I would  get  for a guide today? …Immediately I had a vision of a cow  ( a very cute cow) chewing it’s cud.

    CUD : “Food regurgitated from the first stomach to the mouth of a ruminant and chewed again”. It’s a digestion thing.

    Seems I have been regurgitating some emotional hay and having to chew it up all over again this week to get it down my gullet and out the other end. So, after swimming 5 laps (yes 5 and they aren’t baby laps either – the pool is 75 ft long…I counted the tiles.) ANYWAY – I  heaved up on the lounger to multi-task and soak up some late afternoon sun and meditate.

    I named every emotion that plagued me this week. Guilt, blame, shame etc and I mentally attached 10 lbs per word and laid them on a spiritual alter of sorts. When I had purged my list I envisioned setting the alter a flame and sending all that negative energy and the weight  that burdened me from it up in smoke. I struck the match, I lit the flame and THAT ladies and gentleman is how you start a grease fire!  Wow!!!!! Damn good thing there’s not a burn ban in the spiritual world cause that mother went UP! Oooooohhhh. The curse of  the creative mind. Meditation time was over and I swam another 5 laps and snorted water up my nose laughing at myself and nearly drowned.

    Meditation isn’t for everyone. 20 yrs ago we included my brother, Vern, in a guided meditation class I was hosting. The teacher that night asked us all to go within. Follow the journey and the sound of his voice. Walk in a cave and then out into a glen. When you stand in the glen you were to call forth your animal guide from the tree line and he would emerge…you could ask him a question…blah blah.. he would take you to the SON/SUN for a gift etc….Afterwards we went round the group and asked about each others experience. When it came Vern’s turn to “Share” the teacher asked him.

    Well Vern, Did you find the glen?

    “Yes sir”  -he said with his hands folded lightly on his lap.

    Goooood, Vern, did you ask for a spiritual guide to emerge from the tree line?

    “Ugh huh, sure did”, he had a grin on his face like he had really learned something important which surprised me.

    And did you ask him to take you to the SON/SUN?

    Vern quickly blurted out – from a very spiritual place all his own – “Hell no! It was a 12 point buck. I shot that mother. Course, I knew you hippie folks was medi-tating so I shot him with my bow and arrow. Right through the heart. That wiley rascal never knew what hit him!

    Word to the wise…..when trying to  enlighten a redneck…… use a high beam spotlight. And when working thru the issues that you are sure you already processed and digested  – don’t be surprised if you don’t have to go back and spend some time chewing your cud to get it all to go down for good.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana