Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Category: Uncategorized

  • It’s already here.

    I find I am at a point in my life where I keep asking, “What’s next?”. There is a driving force within me that has awaken and is pushing me in new directions. I keep sensing I should be doing something new and different with my life.There seems to be an underlying purpose to everything I am experiencing and yet most of it is still unclear. It’s just a feeling, a sense, that I am moving into a new phase in life.

    I am not unique. Women of my age face a change in life far greater than physical. For the most part we are no longer raising small children- they are gone from the nest. Or the prospect of ever having children of our own has passed us by. Some by choice and others by circumstance. We no longer live in the shadow of a spouse or our parents.We are our own person. We finally have the time and energy to focus attention on ourselves.

    When you finally take the time to center your energy and listen to what your higher mind, GOD or the Universe has to tell you the question is: “What’s next?”….Where do I go from here?

    There is a direction meant just for you. There are accomplishments yet to be realized. The time is NOW.

    There is an underlying energy in the Universe just waiting for you to connect to it. Recharge your batteries and move ahead. Your best years are yet to come.

    I love each and everyone of you

    Juliana

  • 8 Seconds

    listenI have always been taught that PRAYER is talking to GOD, MEDITATION is listening for an answer. But I would hedge a bet that not many people spend much time “listening”.A bull rider not only has to stay on the bull 8 seconds he has to focus on his style to score the points needed to be in the money. He must put everything he has, body and soul into that seemingly brief amount of time. On a rank bull, waiting on the buzzer to sound can seem like an eternity. So isn’t it nice that to Meditate all you have to do is clear your mind completely…and listen.Just be open to what the Universe has to tell you.

    Try it…..Right now. Close your eyes. Breath in …..and breath out and sit in silence for 8 seconds….Go ahead…I’ll wait….Okay. I made it four seconds before the Target Logo popped into my mind and I thought “Dang, I need to go to  Target after work.”

    Now….Start over. Breath in….. Breath out….clear your mind……..ughhhh I started counting the seconds in my head and suddenly found myself counting sheep instead.. Dang!….Wanna try again?….Breath in…..Breath out……

    How did you do? If you got it – Great you are on your way to LISTENING. If not keep practicing. Learn to extend your time from not just seconds but minutes. Soon you will find that listening is a calming way to center yourself for the day.

    The answers you seek will flood into your mind.

    Cowboy up!

    Juliana

  • Weight of the world.

    Sometimes in life I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I’m just not strong enough to hold up my end. Many times this feeling comes on the heels of a major life changing decision. When I step out of myself and look at it from above. the work truly came in seeing the need for change, weighing the options and coming to a decision. The weight of the world is the flooding waves of self doubt that comes afterward. Did I do the right thing? Did I take into consideration all the others involved and how it will affect them? Was I acting selfishly?Doubt, Doubt….doubt.

    If you find yourself praying for MORE STRENGTH to stand by your decisions then you have another decision to make. Either have faith that you made a sound decision based on who you are and what you need in life or have the courage to re-examine your choices and make adjustments accordingly. Life is a lesson. You grade your own papers in this class. Only you can decide what corrections need to be circled and highlighted.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • FOCUS

    Do you suffer from spiritual or emotional A.D.D.? Attention Deficit Disorder. Lord knows I have been battling it all week. I have a vision in front of me of who I am and where I want to be. When I focus on it, I can see it clearly and feel it creeping into every cell in my body. And then….SQUIRREL!!! My eye darts over my past. I am distracted by memories of people, places and things. Like an overwhelmed hoarder ordered to pick and choose what can stay and what I must let go of. I can’t decide what, if anything, I can stash in my pockets to take with me into the future. I become overwhelmed and I just shut down. Depression kicks in and I can neither go backwards or forwards.There are things I hold onto in my mind like a pit bull lock jawed on the ass of an intruder.If I let go of a memory or a person they will escape and be gone from me forever. It will be lost. I will have nothing. That is FEAR talking in my ear. FEAR pretending to protect me as if it had my best interest at heart.

    Letting go of the cluttered memories of your past allows the light to shine on your future. Focus on TODAY. Focus on the people and experiences you encounter TODAY and you will find that your future life is NOW.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Oprah moment.

    Would Oprah be Oprah if she had a different past? Would she have the extraordinary compassion and ability to relate to all types of personal trials and tribulations had she not come from a broken and dysfunctional family and challenging early years?

    We all know at least bits and pieces of the story. Her mother was absent most of her life and she was raised by a grandmother and later sent to her father. She was sexually abused by family members and plagued by years of weight issues and yet she has become one of the most influential people on the planet. How can all that be chance?

    How much of my own life has been chance?

    A cousin of my father’s contacted me this week on Facebook for his current mailing address. She said as a casual matter of fact that he would be 80 yrs old in March and though she didn’t remember the exact date she would love to surprise him with a card. The sad fact was I neither realized he would be 80 nor did I know the date of his birth.

    My father was emotionally and at times physically absent all of my years. To learn to expect less from him I called him by his first name, Denver, since I was a teenager. It somehow softened the blow that he was not the “daddy” I thought I should have had.My siblings followed suit. He is DENVER to us all.

    I have to believe that I am who I should be and that in living in THIS moment all my past has led me to this instance. I am where I should be. I am being touched by and touching the lives and moments of the people I surround myself with for a reason. And today is good.

    In recognizing and truly absorbing that personal truth I have to say. It is never too late. Never too late to take the time to say thank you and celebrate the life of a spirit that had his own personal journey to master. Did he accomplish the goals he had for himself in life? Only he knows for sure and he is not likely to tell you one way or another. That’s okay. I am who I am because of the influences he had in my life. Whether I perceived them as negative or positive is neither here nor there. When you live in the NOW all is good. If you don’t like something about your life at this point it is your responsibility to change it.

    Time to run – I have a birthday party to plan.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Take no prisoners.

    The word of the day is SURRENDER:

    As defined by the dictionary as to declare yourself defeated: to declare to an opponent that he or she has won so that fighting or conflict can cease

    give up possession of something: to relinquish possession or control of something because of coercion or force.

    It all sounds rather negative to me. So how can I SURRENDER to my higher power? Who do I surrender too? The nagging fear of loss keeps me from letting go.

    I have surrendered in small isolated instances in the past. I have surrendered to an audience of thousands and felt them lift me to unexpected heights. I have surrendered in silence to a soul mate in a simple gaze. There is electricity in the air and my body adsorbs every bit of energy in the room. It is exhilarating and yet I still struggle to allow myself to feel that on a daily basis. I remind myself that I am worthy and deserve all that life has to offer. Yet I struggle. The conflict is real.

    But I realize that there is no outside force or foe.The battle is with myself and  I am in fact the one I need to surrender to.

    I surrender this day to my higher self. It is not a loss. It is a gift.I am not defeated, I am the victor.

    I will not allow conflict with myself to rule my day. Being kind to me and making healthy choices throughout my day is not something I have to coerce or force myself to do. It is a honor and a privilege  and worth taking the time to do.

    There is absolute freedom in ultimate surrender.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • It takes a village.

    I had someone ask me the strangest but most sincere question I had ever heard in my life last night. In response to the diary entry I had posted on Friday where I made mention of a trip to the doctor and the novel concept that I wasn’t all alone.

    (But he wasn’t done with me yet…”So what are WE going to do about your weight?” he asked. “WE”…what an interesting thought.  Just when I thought I was in this all alone. Then it dawned on me. We are never alone – even when we think we are.)

    I was asked. “May I be one of your WE?”  I cocked my head and looked at him questioningly. “I would like to be there when and if you need support in any way. May I be a WE?   WOW! What an incredible question. I was moved and realized what he was referring to. My answer? …. Hell yes you may.

    I have had friends through the years that I felt were my best friends. They were my best friends because they needed me and my unspoken desire was ultimately to feel needed. So I gravitated to the co-dependent. I enabled them to remain in a state of need whether it was emotional, physical or financial so that I would always have a place in their life. These relationships were dysfunctional and instead of filling the glass, they drained the pond.

    As I have grown, this type of friendship has been removed from my life and the relationships I have now and that are continuing to come into my life are ones of balance.

    There is a village of “WE” developing around me. People both seen and unseen who love and support me through thought, word and deed. I in turn have found a peace in friendships that no longer NEED or DRAIN me but feed my soul with the simple knowledge that they are there.

    They do not judge which direction I choose. They just wish me well on my journey. They don’t ask me to walk their journey unless our paths cross and it is comfortable for us both to journey together for a while. I am delighted to be a part of the WE village.

    May I be a part of your WE?

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

  • Beauty school drop out!

    When was the last time you allowed yourself to feel beautiful? Yes, I know it’s a big word. Oh, I’m sorry. I wasn’t referring to the “B” word. I was talking about the “A” word. ALLOW.

    When was the last time you allowed or GAVE YOURSELF PERMISSION to feel beautiful?  Oh yeah, it’s all on you babe. There are things we do to “make ourselves” feel pretty; a trip to the salon, a new outfit or losing 10 lbs and suddenly we have a little swagger in our step. We hold our head higher. We walk a little brisker. We smile more easily.

    What if I told you that capturing that feeling of confidence is a choice? What if I told you it could be yours without the trip to the salon or the new outfit? All you have to do is ALLOW it.

    When I was a little girl, no more than 5 years old, I asked my father as many little girls do. “Daddy, am I pretty?”…He thought for a moment and replied while patting my head, “I would have to say you are a little bit homely but don’t worry about it”. I wasn’t quite sure what that meant. So I went to my mother and asked her. “Mom, what does “homely” mean?”…she smiled at me oblivious to my conversation with my father and said, “Well, it’s not very pretty, just kind of plain.”

    That brief moment in time molded my decisions for the next 41 years. I did not allow myself to feel pretty. I felt lost in a world where being pretty meant being popular and accepted. I just accepted the notion that I was plain. Agh! But I am far from plain my little grasshopper.

    Make the choice to allow yourself to feel beautiful .Make the choice to allow others to see your beauty. I was 46 years old before someone called me “Beautiful Girl” and I allowed myself to believe it as strongly as I did the comments of my father all those years ago. It was a choice then as it is a choice now. Give yourself permission to be beautiful in every way, in every aspect of your day.  Hold your head high, put a swagger in your step and smile a toothy grin…people will stop, look and listen. Tell them they are beautiful!!!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Bear of a morning.

    I had a bear of a morning. I mistakenly thought that if my doctor’s appointment was early enough say….9am, that I would be in and out in a flash. My elbow has been killing me ever since I moved last month. But since this is my new Primary Care Physician the nurse promptly escorted me to the SCALE. Aghhhh jeeze!! Really??  It’s my ELBOW!

    Yes, I stepped on the scale and there weren’t too many surprises as far as I was concerned. I have lost 7 lbs since I moved but in the GRAND scheme of things the nurse was less than impressed with my numbers.

    The Doctor took the time to jot down all my medical history and look at my elbow and diagnosed “Tennis Elbow”. He told me to go purchase a strap available at most all pharmacies and give it a few weeks. If it was still bothersome then it would need to have cortisone shot. LOVELY!

    But he wasn’t done with me yet…”So what are WE going to do about your weight?” he asked. “WE”…what an interesting thought. Just when I thought I was in this all alone. Then it dawned on me. We are never alone – even when you think you are.

    I just found out last night that a few years back while performing in Miami that several of the others I performed with recognized that I was having extreme difficulty with the traveling and the heat. I have heart failure and the trip was taking a toll. It wasn’t till last night that I found out just how much other people care. These two friends I performed with had taken the time to locate the nearest Hospital and had researched and mapped the fastest route for getting me out of each theatre. They made sure that others were aware to keep an eye on me as well. I never knew. I thought I had handled it all myself. Rarely do we actually do that. People hold our hands ever day through thought and prayer. They are the silent supporters that carry us through our days. NO ONE gets there alone. And the beauty is – you never, ever had to to begin with.

    So thank you Dr. Le for taking the time when I impatiently thought I had none to point out that the Universe continues to nudge me in the direction of a healthier life every day. And that even when I think I am handling everything myself – I am standing on the spiritual shoulders of all those that love and hold me dear.

    I love each and every one of you. God Bless.

  • OPEN

    Are you OPEN for business? Are you actively participating in your daily life or are you closed for repairs.

    I heard a story once of a monk who retreated to the top of the mountain to attain enlightenment. Days, months and even years passed till he thought he had a firm grasp on a peaceful attitude and an enlightened state of mind.

    He decided to go down into a near village to share the wondrous secrets he had learned. So he gathered his staff and his robs and began his journey back to humanity. As he made his way down the mountain people began to notice him and come out of their houses for he had been gone for a very long time. Many were surprised to see him still alive. Children followed quickly on his heels. A crowd gathered all around him. The people were so excited to see the Monk. The crowd grew larger and he began to be bumped and pushed as more people wanted to get closer to the Monk. Many reached out to touch his garment. Some reached for the touch of his hand. A few even pulled his hair hoping for a keepsake of this man for they were sure he had attained greatness on his quest.

    The Monk began to feel anxious and trapped. His calm demeanor had been replaced by pure fear. He grew more uncomfortable by the moment as the crowd swept him down the street. He pushed his way to the front of the pack in an attempt to escape but could not break free. He finally just stopped and screamed as loud as he could… The crowd stopped and stared at him. Finally a child spoke and said to the Monk in an excited voice. “What secrets have you brought to us, Monk?”

    The Monk began to weep. He realized that for all the years of self imposed exile in search of the meaning of life and spiritual enlightenment he robbed himself of the daily experience of life itself.

    We only grow by what we do, what we see and how we perceive the world around us. Being OPEN for business, open for new experiences in life, is what brings life our way. Seize the day!