Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Category: spiritual

  • Physician ….heal thyself…..

    Many times in my life I have said “I forgive you” …but in my mind I said to myself, “I won’t forget”.  And by not forgetting, I added another brick to the wall that “Protected” me from the outside world. I isolated myself and in turn poisoned my own well with my actions. Thoughts and memories have the power to pollute our systems. I began to believe I was broken and scarred as permanent features.  I accepted the notion that I was unlovable, incapable of success or worthy of a positive outcome in life. Eventually these poisonous memories became manifest in my health and began to drain the life force from me.

    Learning that forgiveness means to also forget and completely release the situation to a higher power was the medicine I needed to begin healing.

    It’s not until you can forgive others that you can experience and embrace the enlightenment of forgiving yourself. Physician – heal thyself. It’s not just for doctors! HEAL THYSELF!  = FORGIVE YOURSELF!

    As long as you hang onto the memory of injustices done to you, you will always point outside of yourself at who is to blame for your failures. You will rely on the same excuses again and again. I can’t be successful because I am broken. I can’t TRUST because I am broken. I can’t LOVE because I am broken. I can’t reach for my dreams, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t…..the only word that is valid in that statement is “I”

    I AM THAT I AM. “I”….”I” have the power to forgive and forget. “I” have the power to be healed in body, mind and spirit. “I” give myself the freedom and permission to trust and love and commit to myself and others.

    In proclaiming my “I” -dentity I embrace the beauty, balance and perfection that is my higher power.

    I am not broken. I am healed. YOU are not broken…for you have in your hands an understanding, a prescription, to heal your heart. Use it daily as needed.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Illusions…..

    Have you ever felt that “Happiness”  or a “Great Life” is somehow always OVER THERE, just out of reach. Does it seem to be on the other side of where you currently are? Is it like a mirage? The closer you get, the further away it moves as elusive as the end of a rainbow? Is this your reality?

    NO. THIS is the illusion!  That this state of happiness is for others and somehow outside ourselves and just out of reach. The old adage that you must struggle with all our might to reap the rewards of  a “Great Life”  is false. We have been taught to believe  that only thru suffering will we achieve happiness. This is an old thought. It represents an old level of consciousness that we no longer need to feed with our energy.

    The veil has been lifted and we have been shown that our best life is within & in front of us. And the simplest bridge will take us there. The simplest, positive thought of worthiness will propel us forward and we can tread upon that bridge with confidence that it will carry us across.

    Greatness already resides within us. Bring it forward. Bring it out. Surround yourself with this energy and you will be the rainbow brightening up the world.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Standing on my own two feet…..

    It’s been a great weekend. And I think my batteries are all recharged to take on the week.

    I’ve peeled crawfish till my thumbs swole up. I have burned more calories laughing than I could have burned walking round and round and round the block. I have breathed in the scent of the piney woods and the fresh salty breeze of an evening ocean. I have been here and there and everywhere in between. Life has become fuller, richer and yet calmer all at the same time.

    And that, my friend, comes from standing on my own two feet. Sounds simple and you may even think you do it everyday but we often depend so much on other people that their absence or lack of attention can take our feet right out from under us.

    The quest to find someone to walk beside you and hold your hand without pulling you down or propping you up is a tough crusade. The bigger challenge is to be that same type of person to others. Some people only feel needed and loved if they are helping or fixing someone else and THEIR problems. Others only know how to take your energy as if it were their own. They feed on YOUR need to be needed. So in the vicious cycle of co-dependency neither of you move forward. One never learns to stand on their own and the other so busy holding up the other that they forget to live their own life. BALANCE is the place where you stand firmly on your own two feet. Nothing and no one can knock you off your feet if you have that balance.

    It’s a process everyday. I don’t know all the answers and even some of the answers I do have are hard to live day-to-day. Old habits die-hard. There are still things I struggle to let go of. But the thing I do know is I am heading in the right direction.

    I love each and every one of you. Happy Birthday Leslie.

    Juliana

  • Good Friday…..Best Life EVER!

    Good Morning world. It is GOOD FRIDAY! In my book, all Fridays are Good Friday. But this Friday the Blonde Bunny and I will be celebrating with a bevy of fabulous friends at the LAW Good Friday Crawfish Boil.

    Our afternoon will include the holy trinity of crawfish, potatoes and corn. Throw in some sides, some cold drinks and a crazy bunch of people with a jam box and you have yourself one heck of a religious experience.

    It’s a time to be thankful. It’s a time to be reborn. Good Friday and Easter – It’s not just the resurrection story of a man who came and gave his life on the cross for our “Sins” and then arose three days later. It’s not just about what someone did for us! It is a map – a guideline, an example of how to renew your own life and be born anew.

    Change is hard. Letting go of your burdens is difficult when you feel that only your burdens define you. Instead of pointing the finger of blame at those around you for being  the source of your discomfort or for being the barrier to your success   – “forgive them, for they know not what they do”. YOU have the power to release and forgive them because only you have the vision of who you truly are. There is no room for judgement or grudges in the Kingdom of Heaven. And the Kingdom of Heaven is within you.  Let the past die away, enter the chamber of your heart and rest in the new ideas of love, forgiveness and peace. See the obstacles that block your path dissolve away. Forgive YOURSELF for not believing in the power and wonder of YOU and the God within you. Only then can you awaken to a new life. Only then can you accept the wonderful gifts that were meant to be yours all along. Only then will you live your best life ever!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Toes in the sand…..

    All work and no play makes for a very boring girl. But sometimes balance is hard to find. Sometimes you have to actually SCHEDULE the fun. When you quit letting life happen TO you and stop just reacting  to the things that come your way you can get a true sense of why you are here.

    Sure, there are lessons that we have to trudge thru but there can be happy lessons along the way as well. Change your perception and you can change the world. And if you didn’t realize it yet. The world starts with YOU. The happier you are, the happier the people around you are. There is an old saying that I just love. “If Mamma ain’t happy, NOBODY is happy”. And I think that is true whether you are a mom or not. It just means that how you feel and react to the world impacts the people around you. Certainly makes sense to me.

    So let me ask you, what kind of impact have you had today? Did you smile at your co-workers? Did you say thank you to the check out clerk? Did you greet your neighbor at the pool with a healthy hello? Did you tell someone they just frick’in matter? It’s the littlest gestures that can mean the most.

    We were meant to be happy, healthy humans. We are here to experience all the wonders of the world. We are a blessing to all those we encounter. The Kingdom of Heaven is all around you if you will just take the time to see it. If you are out of wack, get on track. Take the time to dig your toes in the sand. Your feet will thank you. And so will all the people who love you and hold you dear. Cause let’s face it – HOW YOU FEEL MATTERS.

    That is my Sunday lesson.    🙂

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Ice made from scratch…..

    It’s been a very busy week and it has shown no signs of slowing down but a notice came across my email and Facebook this afternoon that stopped me in my tracks. Greg, a wonderful man who sang with us at BCPA, entered the hospital last night and while we were all busy with our chaotic lives of multi-tasking and meeting deadlines, he simply and quietly …..slipped away. Another voice has been added to the celestial choir.

    It’s amazing that it can happen so fast. But it can. Lives change in  the blink of an eye.

    It is a reminder to me to keep my focus in front of me and to live in the moment. It tells me to stop looking behind me and trying to tug the past and the people in it along with me. To let it go and travel light. Those that want to walk beside me will. Those that don’t, choose a different path because they need to. It’s not personal. Goals are as individual as DNA. I have before me a great life of my choosing. I create new aspects everyday. There is joy to be had and love to be shared. I don’t have to wait to be thinner or richer or healthier to have a good day.

    We are often guilty of letting situations and other people’s circumstances steer us down a road that may not be the one we need to be on. That’s why God created exit ramps! Pull over on the shoulder and check your map. If you don’t have a map – keep driving forward till you see a BUC-EE’S

    They have maps, snacks and ice made from scratch! Life is truly for the living. Make sure you are living it. Greg did.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Duck’in Church…..

    Oh yes. It is Sunday and a whole bunch a folks headed off to church today. God bless’em.

    The girls and I decided to have a little “Church” of our own out at the Lake Conroe with Ms. Wanda (my mom).We all had some chores to do first. Lori had to feed and water Big Bob. Kim had to make sure Blair House was tended to and me – well, I like to think I started my day at God’s Sunday School pinching and feeling all the fabulous natural creations of the earth at the local farmers market on Airline. I bought Ms. Wanda more than just groceries. I brought her a ton of work!

    She has beets to pickle and strawberries to stew and lots of nice, fresh treats to eat for the next few weeks. Now THAT is a southern girls blessing!

    So we all convened at the local “BIG Church” beside the lake. Otherwise known as Sam’s Boat. A nice table with an umbrella out beside the water beats a flat bottom pew any day. We got to watch all the folks come in on their boats and tie off to the dock.We greeted them warmly whether we knew them or now, after all – we did belong to the same church.  Lori and I being experienced church goers asked the waiter for some holy spirits. Ms. Wanda, being the Matriarch of the group, took her time reading the written word and made her selection carefully before sharing her choice with us. And Ms. Kimberly…well, sometimes she can be a woman of few words but she always knows exactly what she wants.

    The fellowship was amazing and we paid special attention to the wonders of nature. Mud hen here and a mallard there. We bought feed and tossed it to the grass carp and watched the water boil as they gobbled up every morsel. God is good and the day was beautiful. But then again any day we can sit outside and enjoy each other and have Ms. Wanda with us – well, it’s just a religious experience for us all. She’s a bright shining star of light and love where ever she goes. She never meets a stranger and always has a kind word. She has loved us through thick and thin, right and wrong and always reminds us that God is within each and every one of us. She was the preacher we needed to see today. We are blessed to have her.

    Well, some cute little boy passed the collection plate which is the usual sign that church is about over. We hugged and loved on Ms. Wanda two or three times each at least. Then off to our cars and back to our lives. Lori to check on Big Bob, Kim to Blair house and me?…aghhh I came home to Punkin ……and to you.

    Life is good. I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

  • I believe I can fly…..

    There comes a time in life when all the coaching, advice and best wishes of friends, family and mentors can’t help you anymore. You have done the work and climbed the mountain. At some point you have to make that leap of faith and believe that all the training will serve you well. You gotta spread your wings and fly. Just jump for Christ’s sake. BE THE BIRD!

    You gotta love the animal spirits in the world. Turtles that crawl up from the sandy beaches and instinctively head into the surf. No swimming lessons for them – they just dive headlong into the water! No floaties, no nose clips, they head straight for the deep end.  Birds are pretty cool too. One day they just decide to jump! And there you have it! Sometimes momma gives them a nudge cause she is damn sick and tired of regurgitating worms up 10 times a day to feed them. After weeks of benging and purging I bet “empty nest” syndrome never crosses her mind! Animals haven’t locked in on this code of fear like humans have. Instead they have an incredible and inherent sense of BELIEF.

    As I have gotten older I have gotten to a point where I can honestly say. I BELIEVE. I believe in me. Cause if I don’t, who will? Others can believe in you all day long but they can’t fly for you. They can tell you how to do it and where and when….but that is about it.

    Nope. If you wanna soar, you gotta jump out of the nest on all your own. Everyone else is just a cheerleader on the sideline…and I personally LOVE cheerleaders…unless they are too skinny. I hate looking at anything I could bust like a twig. I’M JUST SAYING!

    I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky. Hide and watch. There’s gonna be some great things coming our way!

    I love each and every one of you. Even if you think your excluded, your not.

    Juliana

  • Patience Grasshopper…..

    Patience Grasshopper….ugh…I’m trying, I’m trying…okay, honestly?Some days, I’m tired of trying. Some days I just want to let loose and spew a vile and nasty string of words at the world just to get it off my chest. I wanna get mad and throw things and hear glass shatter. I wanna scream so loud they can hear me in the next county. I want small children to tremble in my presence….okay, maybe not that extreme but you see where I am going here.

    When you try to walk a path of unconditional love it seems like, when you least expect it, someone shots an RPG (for those that don’t watch NCIS that is a rocket propelled granade) right at your ass. While your busy holding the door open and saying “have a nice day” and “may peace be with you” there is someone stepping on your toes as they scurry past with not so  much as an “Excuse me” or “Pardon me”.

    People suck…. , maybe not all people but some really do. At least a few do.

    Aghhhhhh but Grasshopper : ” To be able under ALL circumstances to practice five things constitutes perfect virtue; these five things are gravity, generosity of soul, sincerity, earnestness and kindness”….says Confucius.

    Okay…people don’t suck. They just walk different paths. I know. I know.  Every encounter is a lesson no matter how big or small. Well then some lessons SUCK!!!!!   There, I said it. I feel better now. Can’t you tell? Don’t you see the smile on the grasshoppers face!

    Here is a bigger version. Courtesy of  http://www.elizabethcrocker.com and http://www.thewayiseeitthroughmylens.blogspot.com

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Hell of a ride…..

    When I was a kid I loved to make wishes on dandelions and blooooooow….The fuzzy white seed pods would fly apart and I watched them drift away in the summer sun like mini storm troopers parachuting to earth.  Honestly, I still love doing that. But I think I have refined the process. It’s not just WISHES anymore. It is CLEAR INTENT. It is pure thought, born of faith, that can become manifest if you just see it in your minds eye. Just like the wish you make before you blow out a birthday candle. Close you eyes and WISH. Close your eyes and see that wish coming true. Claim it with pure intent.

    When you can stand your ground and proclaim with clear intent then you bend the ear of the Universe and you are heard. I have lots of wishes, some for me and some for you and some just for the dandelion.

    Don’t be afraid to dream. Don’t shy away from success. It is never to late to awaken your inner child and believe that all things are possible. Whether you are 8 or 80 you can redirect your life everyday you wake up and put your feet to the floor. Nuetral is not a speed. Engage your mind, awaken your heart and dream the bigger life you want into existence.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

    And a special shout out to Ragan who said on danceswithfat.blog today

    “The fact that dating me means choosing to see beyond the stereotype of beauty is a natural screening process for cowards.  And that’s awesome, because you must be this brave to ride this ride.”

    Oh yeah, baby! You know it!. And believe me, no matter what I weigh – I AM ONE HELL OF A RIDE!