Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Category: Single

  • The Guarded Heart…..

    Yes….Valentines Day is quickly approaching or as one smug son of a bitch so eloquently dubbed it,  “Singles Awareness Day”.

    Some of us are single by choice and others by circumstance but there are many people out there that go to great lengths and extreme measures to GUARD their heart.  They have made a conscious decision to shield themselves in an attempt to thwart off  pain, disappointment, abandonment or betrayal. In their eyes they are protecting themselves from further damage and shoring up their most vulnerable bits and pieces. They are taking control and defending their territory in an attempt to stay SAFE.

    The reality is…SAFE is a lonely place. You not only shield yourself from pain but from LOVE as well. Nothing can penetrate that reinforced skin. Love is something that has to flow. The more you allow it to flow into your heart the more it is able to flow from you. To experience love, You have to share it.

    This Valentine’s Day, rethink that emotional chastity belt. Be open to love and love all you can.

    I LOVE each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2012 Juliana Wathen

     

  • Love me , Love me not…..

    I love treats. All kinds of treats. I am treated on occasion to a  glimpse of a beautiful woman. One I know well, quite intimately in fact.   I don’t see her everyday. In fact, seeing her is as unpredictable as winning the Lottery. But it happens, when I least expect it. But always when I need it most.

    It took me a long time to get to know her. But I invested the time. I thought it would be worth the effort. Uncertain of my intentions, I was held at bay for a while. Which was to be expected. But not too terribly long as we had much in common. People, places and things. Common bridges to common destinations.

    She is strong. Do not doubt that, but so soft I think she might melt away some day. Her voice rings in  my ear and whispers encouraging words from a distance place. And I listen….intently. Soaking up all I can of the unseen energy.

    She told me her secrets and seems to know mine. She sees my potential and reminds me I deserve all life has to offer. She knows the answers before I ever ask the questions. She even said I was beautiful. Oh how I would like to believe that.

    It’s hard to always trust. To believe what you hear.

    The children’s rhyme chimes in. “She loves me, She loves me not, She loves me, She loves me not”….plucking petals from a flower I know the answer before the last petal falls. It took me a long time to find her. To love her  unconditionally. She is smart and witty, talented and beautiful, tender and loving. Does she love me? She does. How do I know?  Because she… is me.

    Loving others completely comes only when you can honestly love yourself.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Standing on my own two feet…..

    It’s been a great weekend. And I think my batteries are all recharged to take on the week.

    I’ve peeled crawfish till my thumbs swole up. I have burned more calories laughing than I could have burned walking round and round and round the block. I have breathed in the scent of the piney woods and the fresh salty breeze of an evening ocean. I have been here and there and everywhere in between. Life has become fuller, richer and yet calmer all at the same time.

    And that, my friend, comes from standing on my own two feet. Sounds simple and you may even think you do it everyday but we often depend so much on other people that their absence or lack of attention can take our feet right out from under us.

    The quest to find someone to walk beside you and hold your hand without pulling you down or propping you up is a tough crusade. The bigger challenge is to be that same type of person to others. Some people only feel needed and loved if they are helping or fixing someone else and THEIR problems. Others only know how to take your energy as if it were their own. They feed on YOUR need to be needed. So in the vicious cycle of co-dependency neither of you move forward. One never learns to stand on their own and the other so busy holding up the other that they forget to live their own life. BALANCE is the place where you stand firmly on your own two feet. Nothing and no one can knock you off your feet if you have that balance.

    It’s a process everyday. I don’t know all the answers and even some of the answers I do have are hard to live day-to-day. Old habits die-hard. There are still things I struggle to let go of. But the thing I do know is I am heading in the right direction.

    I love each and every one of you. Happy Birthday Leslie.

    Juliana

  • Recipe for beauty…

    Have you ever noticed that the shape of a woman is described as something you can eat?

    Funny isn’t it! Pear shaped women with small shoulders and big round bottoms, apple shaped women who are just round all the way around, and the latest “Muffin Top”. Now the skinny girls get names like Twiggy and Sticks. Not very appetizing.  And the prettiest figures with the best curves are called  Hour Glass.

    Now – just in a random survey if someone offered me a pear, an apple, a muffin, a stick or an hourglass which one would I pick? Well, I don’t need a stick. I don’t have a dog or a broken window to prop open. Hourglasses are a nice novelty on the shelf and pretty to look at but not very pratical. You always have to go turn it upside down to get it to work and then it only works for a little while. So I would probably go with the pear! Or if I got to choose more than one I would make a pear and apple salad with a muffin on the side. 🙂

    Let’s just face it. Women are delicious!

    And just a side note to the bitch who didn’t tend her garden and keep her bits and pieces in good working order all those years ago. The women of today don’t appreciate being called “FISH”. It implies that we either smell like yesterdays catch of the day or something men have the option of ordering on a dinner plate of Friday and well, hell….I’m not CATHOLIC!

    Take care of your yard work ladies. Mow the lawns and trim the bushes. If you can’t see or reach all your…..topiaries…… then hire a gardener!  An ill kept garden attracts fruit flies. Buzzing, annoying, flighty lil’ fruit flies!

    You picking up what I’m putting down, Girls? Good!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • FROST & TIP PARTY

    Today was FROST & TIP Saturday at my house. Yep… it was time to get our highlights on. And who better to put you through the torture of pulling your hair through a plastic cap with a knitting needle than your good friends.

    First we fortified ourselves with homemade deli style sandwiches accompanied by a chip or two. Washed it down with a refreshing  vodka tonic with lime….or two…or three…oh hell, who’s counting.

    Then we lamented about the stupid frenchman with too much baggage to recognize what a hot mess Christina is. I mean…WE see it – why can’t he????

    And then there are the on-line dating sites where you say NO SMOKERS and the person you meet REEKS of an ashtray and their idea of being a NON-SMOKERS is one who is trying to quit….Leisa calls “LOSER” !!!! Which of course is closely followed by the chubby chasers who just want to date us for our cushiness.LOSSERRRRRR!!!!! And the one who lives down the street from your last ex – ohhhh soooooo not an option under any circumstances. If you can get a new home address then we can talk. Maybe more! wink, wink!!

    Then we had to bitch a bit about menopause cause that’s just what we do now. I’m hot, I’m cranky, I’m dry, I’m…… okay…”Too much information” as my mother would say.

    Well, our blonde streaks are PERFECT….just saying. Patting myself on the back.

    We have laughed till we nearly peed my concrete floor – the cat has hidden under the bed all day to escape our shinanigans and it very well may be time for a nap!

    Love my girls, love my Saturdays, love a good frost and tip party!

    I love each and every one of you. Especially if you have highlights.

    Juliana

  • I’m not FAT ….I’m Fluffy!

    It sounds good in theory anyway. Being fluffy instead of fat. That’s what a friend’s son told me once a few years back. That I was Fluffy – not FAT.

    You see, kids don’t really have filters at 7, or 8, or 9….to him FAT was a negative thought and once he spent a few hours with me we were the best of pals and I couldn’t peel him off me. He was glued to my side.

    His mother politely told him to GET OFF me. He replied that he couldn’t. “She is so soft and fluffy”, he exclaimed with a smile and nuzzled his face into my side.

    Yep – that’s me. I’m broken in like an old Lazy Boy recliner. Soft and comfy in all the right places. I know I’m overweight. No nine-year old needs to tell me that. But somehow I have been able to win them over with my charm, wit and homemade peach cobbler.

    I never had kids. When I was younger I believed that threat my mother yelled out at me when I misbehaved. “Someday you’ll have  kids and they’re gonna be JUST LIKE YOU. YOU JUST WAIT LITTLE LADY!”. I always thought – HELL NO I’M NOT! And I have lived by my proclamation.

    So, I am Auntie, Aunt Huli, Tia. To Nieces and Nephews by blood and by choice. I am the coolest Aunt around. I answer calls at midnight from stranded college students. I hear about first kisses and broken hearts. I have done my fair share of homework , science projects and parties at Chucky Cheese. I’ve sat thru school and church concerts, plays and sports games at 8:00 am in the cold rainy morning.  I’ve dug thru mounds of dirty clothes in search of THE shirt that MUST be worn NOW! I’ve over bought and over indulged. I’ve bent the house rules, stayed up too late and let them sleep to long? YEP – I am Aunt Huli, Auntie, the fluffiest Tia in Town. I don’t mind it at all.

    I made an impression – and so did they. There is a new one on the way this fall. I can’t wait to meet her…or him.

    I love each and every one of you

    Signing off – Your fluffiness – Juliana

  • Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink…

    I just HAVE to get this off my chest. Just as I don’t want to be dismissed from living a well rounded life because I am large, I also don’t want to be targeted for pick up …BECAUSE I am large.

    I keep getting emails on FACEBOOK from men around the world wanting to be my “FRIEND”. Apparently there are people who troll thru profiles looking for MS. Right. Like this one –  “When i read through your profile i was really amazed and motivated to send you an email and show my interest. Waiting to hear from you.”  Oh PLLLL-EEEEZE. Read a little further down my profile and you will see that men are not on my diet!

    One guy from another country who could only type – BROKEN English must of thought he was a real charmer.”I love fat lady – I wish had fat lady beautiful like you”.  See what I mean? Dude – buy a cow.

    One guy right here in Houston recently assured me that our age difference would take a back seat to the fact that he loved large women. (He was a young whipper snapper in his 30’s who posed next to a Bently in his profile picture, someone else’s I’m sure!) He was just sure we would hit it off. DELETE!

    DELETE, DELETE, DELETE!!!!!!!! Now I know how Anna Nicole felt. Always lauded after for her big– personalities….ehem….Just clearing my throat folks…..

    We are all more than our physical appearance. It is only natural to have certain preferences and attractions. Lord knows I have mine.  But I am MORE than my weight. And to be singled out for that single feature is annoying, shallow and down right offensive to me.

    I am a woman who knows what she wants. I love big and I love deeply. I enjoy life now like never before. I am an artist in the truest sense of the word.

  • One, such as a painter, sculptor, performer or writer, who is able by virtue of imagination and talent or skill to create works of aesthetic value, especially in the fine arts.

    • Yes, the truest sense of the word and beyond. I am an artist of life. I create my life through my thoughts, beliefs and deeds. I take full responsibility. I have no one else to blame if some days it seems less attractive or balanced  than I would like. And when I am ready I will attract the right partner I deserve to have. Right now – God’s just having fun showing me all the things on the shelf. You know what the merchants say – you break it – you buy it! Well I haven’t even seen a package I would bother lifting off the shelf in the last year. So it’s all good.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    I am more

  • All roads……

    A friend asked me yesterday ” When am I going to stop missing my last relationship?”

    Boy, If I could tell you that I’d be a millionaire.

    But the question isn’t really when will you quit missing that person. And it’s not ” when will you meet someone new?”. It’s simpler than that. It’s: WHEN WILL YOU FEEL NORMAL AGAIN?  There was a time before the relationship when things were normal. You were single and spent time with family and friends and you felt no pressure to be with anyone. Dinners out and movies, trips to the beach and family reunions, brunch on a Sunday or Wednesday night out with the girls. All just the average things you participated in on a daily basis. But now – you feel abnormal, unbalanced, incomplete.

    Since your breakup, even if you instigated it, you feel left behind. You feel cheated that they didn’t try harder. They didn’t fight for the relationship. And you feel guilty that maybe you didn’t try as hard as you could. Maybe your expectations were to high. Maybe theirs were. Maybe they were trying. They just needed a different outcome than you did. Either way, I understand the frustration and self judgement one feels in this situation. However, this is a time of reflection and digestion. While you are in this mood you are learning even if you don’t realize it.

    Life is very much like a stretch of Texas Highway. Some places are filled with vibrant and beautiful fields of Blue Bonnets and Indian Paint Brush set on the side of the road that stretch into pastures and tree lines this time of year. But they aren’t everywhere. And they don’t stay long. No, it’s a special time and there are special places along your journey home. You don’t really miss them or even think about them till they start popping here and there. They are the bright spots in your trip thru Texas. And as fast as they came and are enjoyed, they are gone. And the road loses some of its granduer. You miss them, but you move on down the road. They left you with fond memories and the seeds to grow a new experience in the future.

    It’s time to feel normal again. But you have to be willing to appreciate the beauty where God placed it. And just know it will come again down the road. You don’t have to know the exact day or location. Just know it’s over the next hill.

    I love each and every  you

    Juliana

  • Hell of a ride…..

    When I was a kid I loved to make wishes on dandelions and blooooooow….The fuzzy white seed pods would fly apart and I watched them drift away in the summer sun like mini storm troopers parachuting to earth.  Honestly, I still love doing that. But I think I have refined the process. It’s not just WISHES anymore. It is CLEAR INTENT. It is pure thought, born of faith, that can become manifest if you just see it in your minds eye. Just like the wish you make before you blow out a birthday candle. Close you eyes and WISH. Close your eyes and see that wish coming true. Claim it with pure intent.

    When you can stand your ground and proclaim with clear intent then you bend the ear of the Universe and you are heard. I have lots of wishes, some for me and some for you and some just for the dandelion.

    Don’t be afraid to dream. Don’t shy away from success. It is never to late to awaken your inner child and believe that all things are possible. Whether you are 8 or 80 you can redirect your life everyday you wake up and put your feet to the floor. Nuetral is not a speed. Engage your mind, awaken your heart and dream the bigger life you want into existence.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

    And a special shout out to Ragan who said on danceswithfat.blog today

    “The fact that dating me means choosing to see beyond the stereotype of beauty is a natural screening process for cowards.  And that’s awesome, because you must be this brave to ride this ride.”

    Oh yeah, baby! You know it!. And believe me, no matter what I weigh – I AM ONE HELL OF A RIDE!

  • Just us chickens…..

    Friday nights are always best when you can spend them with “THE GIRLS”. Girlfriends that have weathered the tides of time and share all the same aches and pains that you have endured one way or another.

    We are all past the point of needing to impress each other. There is no bragging of career successes, or husbands or children. We have all had our ups and down and have been made the better for it. No… We are there for hens night. Just a bunch of chicks eating Chinese delivery, enjoying the music, each other and pecking and clucking about the things that make us tick and giggle.

    It is liberating to be with these girls. Relaxing, entertaining and just pure fun to see us each old enough to not care that a pair of yellow capris might make our ass look like a big yellow bus coming down the side-walk. WHO CARES!!! Wear them anyway.

    We are a mixed lot of short and tall. Thin and fat but all of us making the steady climb up the ladder to 50. There is not a natural head of hair among us. One time brunettes are red-headed vixens while the brightest red-head is trying on blonde. We all agree high lights and low lights are the best thing for summer. Resale shops render the most fabulous buys.  Under wire bras and uncomfortable clothes are a thing of the past. Family pets are by far our favorite children. Nothing beats a South Padre vacation and sex just gets sweeter with time.

    We have come to know who we are and where we have come from. We know that the best moment is now. We love, we laugh, we share….and then we realize it’s way past our bed times and all scurry off home. Renewed, recharged and refreshed from a hens night. They are the best!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana