Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Category: motivational

  • OMG….. FLAT ABS!

    I have FINALLY found the latest, most effective way to get in shape. It is THE ultimate work out!!!  A girlfriend was kind enough to share this secret with me. Talk about motivational! OHHHH I just couldn’t wait to share it with everyone. I think we are REALLY on to something that could change the face of workouts everywhere. It doesn’t matter how old you are or how out of shape. There is nothing to buy or sign up for. No special diet. No books to read or DVD’s to sweat to. You don’t even have to leave your house! Any woman with a pulse can do this! Are you ready???  It’s called Coregasm! Yep! COREGASM. Apparently – I say apparently cause I haven’t run home to try it yet – APPARENTLY, it is an orgasm some women can have when performing certain ab exercises. Experts say (wait….BIG O Experts?? Really??? Who knew!!) Well, EXPERTS say that this wacky core induced climax could be due to a number of factors:

    1.)The tightening of pelvic muscles

    2.) The build up of tension 

     3.) Nerve impulse

    At this point in my life I don’t really care if it’s caused by underpaid workers in a sweat shop in Malasia, I think it is wortha try.  It’s doesn’t matter HOW it works, only that it does!

    Oh….and if I lose a few inches of my waist…well that’s just gravy…so to speak.

  • I’m not FAT ….I’m Fluffy!

    It sounds good in theory anyway. Being fluffy instead of fat. That’s what a friend’s son told me once a few years back. That I was Fluffy – not FAT.

    You see, kids don’t really have filters at 7, or 8, or 9….to him FAT was a negative thought and once he spent a few hours with me we were the best of pals and I couldn’t peel him off me. He was glued to my side.

    His mother politely told him to GET OFF me. He replied that he couldn’t. “She is so soft and fluffy”, he exclaimed with a smile and nuzzled his face into my side.

    Yep – that’s me. I’m broken in like an old Lazy Boy recliner. Soft and comfy in all the right places. I know I’m overweight. No nine-year old needs to tell me that. But somehow I have been able to win them over with my charm, wit and homemade peach cobbler.

    I never had kids. When I was younger I believed that threat my mother yelled out at me when I misbehaved. “Someday you’ll have  kids and they’re gonna be JUST LIKE YOU. YOU JUST WAIT LITTLE LADY!”. I always thought – HELL NO I’M NOT! And I have lived by my proclamation.

    So, I am Auntie, Aunt Huli, Tia. To Nieces and Nephews by blood and by choice. I am the coolest Aunt around. I answer calls at midnight from stranded college students. I hear about first kisses and broken hearts. I have done my fair share of homework , science projects and parties at Chucky Cheese. I’ve sat thru school and church concerts, plays and sports games at 8:00 am in the cold rainy morning.  I’ve dug thru mounds of dirty clothes in search of THE shirt that MUST be worn NOW! I’ve over bought and over indulged. I’ve bent the house rules, stayed up too late and let them sleep to long? YEP – I am Aunt Huli, Auntie, the fluffiest Tia in Town. I don’t mind it at all.

    I made an impression – and so did they. There is a new one on the way this fall. I can’t wait to meet her…or him.

    I love each and every one of you

    Signing off – Your fluffiness – Juliana

  • CANKLES!

    Remember back in the late 70’s when they used to show a commercial with a skillet on a stove with eggs frying in it and the sound bite was ‘THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS!” Sooo scary!

    Fast forward thirty years and you see a malformed CANKLE resting on a couch. “This is your foot after a 12 hour day running all over Christ’s creation to get a show up and running”.

    It looks much worse than it is – really…and it’s only one. The other is just fine…odd. I know. Just seems ironic that these days I pop 13 pills every morning to be healthy and instead of frying my brain I have swollen ankles. Where is the sense in that?

    So what is a CANKLE – the Slang dictionary describes it as:

    A fat ankle – one that is as thick as the person’s calf, such that there’s no visible anatomical difference in the two. From “calf” + “ankle.” Usually used in the plural.

    I’m special…I only have one cankle tonight. And it doesn’t always look like this. Normally, I have ankles. So I am just gonna sit back and relax and put my cankle up. WAY UP! and see if it can’t find a way to return to normal all on it’s own. Hopefully I won’t wake up with a knalf or worse a vagiknee.

    Tomorrow is another day…And I wouldn’t miss it!

    I love each and every one of you and your cankles!

    Juliana

     

     

  • Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink…

    I just HAVE to get this off my chest. Just as I don’t want to be dismissed from living a well rounded life because I am large, I also don’t want to be targeted for pick up …BECAUSE I am large.

    I keep getting emails on FACEBOOK from men around the world wanting to be my “FRIEND”. Apparently there are people who troll thru profiles looking for MS. Right. Like this one –  “When i read through your profile i was really amazed and motivated to send you an email and show my interest. Waiting to hear from you.”  Oh PLLLL-EEEEZE. Read a little further down my profile and you will see that men are not on my diet!

    One guy from another country who could only type – BROKEN English must of thought he was a real charmer.”I love fat lady – I wish had fat lady beautiful like you”.  See what I mean? Dude – buy a cow.

    One guy right here in Houston recently assured me that our age difference would take a back seat to the fact that he loved large women. (He was a young whipper snapper in his 30’s who posed next to a Bently in his profile picture, someone else’s I’m sure!) He was just sure we would hit it off. DELETE!

    DELETE, DELETE, DELETE!!!!!!!! Now I know how Anna Nicole felt. Always lauded after for her big– personalities….ehem….Just clearing my throat folks…..

    We are all more than our physical appearance. It is only natural to have certain preferences and attractions. Lord knows I have mine.  But I am MORE than my weight. And to be singled out for that single feature is annoying, shallow and down right offensive to me.

    I am a woman who knows what she wants. I love big and I love deeply. I enjoy life now like never before. I am an artist in the truest sense of the word.

  • One, such as a painter, sculptor, performer or writer, who is able by virtue of imagination and talent or skill to create works of aesthetic value, especially in the fine arts.

    • Yes, the truest sense of the word and beyond. I am an artist of life. I create my life through my thoughts, beliefs and deeds. I take full responsibility. I have no one else to blame if some days it seems less attractive or balanced  than I would like. And when I am ready I will attract the right partner I deserve to have. Right now – God’s just having fun showing me all the things on the shelf. You know what the merchants say – you break it – you buy it! Well I haven’t even seen a package I would bother lifting off the shelf in the last year. So it’s all good.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    I am more

  • Duck’in Church…..

    Oh yes. It is Sunday and a whole bunch a folks headed off to church today. God bless’em.

    The girls and I decided to have a little “Church” of our own out at the Lake Conroe with Ms. Wanda (my mom).We all had some chores to do first. Lori had to feed and water Big Bob. Kim had to make sure Blair House was tended to and me – well, I like to think I started my day at God’s Sunday School pinching and feeling all the fabulous natural creations of the earth at the local farmers market on Airline. I bought Ms. Wanda more than just groceries. I brought her a ton of work!

    She has beets to pickle and strawberries to stew and lots of nice, fresh treats to eat for the next few weeks. Now THAT is a southern girls blessing!

    So we all convened at the local “BIG Church” beside the lake. Otherwise known as Sam’s Boat. A nice table with an umbrella out beside the water beats a flat bottom pew any day. We got to watch all the folks come in on their boats and tie off to the dock.We greeted them warmly whether we knew them or now, after all – we did belong to the same church.  Lori and I being experienced church goers asked the waiter for some holy spirits. Ms. Wanda, being the Matriarch of the group, took her time reading the written word and made her selection carefully before sharing her choice with us. And Ms. Kimberly…well, sometimes she can be a woman of few words but she always knows exactly what she wants.

    The fellowship was amazing and we paid special attention to the wonders of nature. Mud hen here and a mallard there. We bought feed and tossed it to the grass carp and watched the water boil as they gobbled up every morsel. God is good and the day was beautiful. But then again any day we can sit outside and enjoy each other and have Ms. Wanda with us – well, it’s just a religious experience for us all. She’s a bright shining star of light and love where ever she goes. She never meets a stranger and always has a kind word. She has loved us through thick and thin, right and wrong and always reminds us that God is within each and every one of us. She was the preacher we needed to see today. We are blessed to have her.

    Well, some cute little boy passed the collection plate which is the usual sign that church is about over. We hugged and loved on Ms. Wanda two or three times each at least. Then off to our cars and back to our lives. Lori to check on Big Bob, Kim to Blair house and me?…aghhh I came home to Punkin ……and to you.

    Life is good. I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

  • I believe I can fly…..

    There comes a time in life when all the coaching, advice and best wishes of friends, family and mentors can’t help you anymore. You have done the work and climbed the mountain. At some point you have to make that leap of faith and believe that all the training will serve you well. You gotta spread your wings and fly. Just jump for Christ’s sake. BE THE BIRD!

    You gotta love the animal spirits in the world. Turtles that crawl up from the sandy beaches and instinctively head into the surf. No swimming lessons for them – they just dive headlong into the water! No floaties, no nose clips, they head straight for the deep end.  Birds are pretty cool too. One day they just decide to jump! And there you have it! Sometimes momma gives them a nudge cause she is damn sick and tired of regurgitating worms up 10 times a day to feed them. After weeks of benging and purging I bet “empty nest” syndrome never crosses her mind! Animals haven’t locked in on this code of fear like humans have. Instead they have an incredible and inherent sense of BELIEF.

    As I have gotten older I have gotten to a point where I can honestly say. I BELIEVE. I believe in me. Cause if I don’t, who will? Others can believe in you all day long but they can’t fly for you. They can tell you how to do it and where and when….but that is about it.

    Nope. If you wanna soar, you gotta jump out of the nest on all your own. Everyone else is just a cheerleader on the sideline…and I personally LOVE cheerleaders…unless they are too skinny. I hate looking at anything I could bust like a twig. I’M JUST SAYING!

    I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky. Hide and watch. There’s gonna be some great things coming our way!

    I love each and every one of you. Even if you think your excluded, your not.

    Juliana

  • All roads……

    A friend asked me yesterday ” When am I going to stop missing my last relationship?”

    Boy, If I could tell you that I’d be a millionaire.

    But the question isn’t really when will you quit missing that person. And it’s not ” when will you meet someone new?”. It’s simpler than that. It’s: WHEN WILL YOU FEEL NORMAL AGAIN?  There was a time before the relationship when things were normal. You were single and spent time with family and friends and you felt no pressure to be with anyone. Dinners out and movies, trips to the beach and family reunions, brunch on a Sunday or Wednesday night out with the girls. All just the average things you participated in on a daily basis. But now – you feel abnormal, unbalanced, incomplete.

    Since your breakup, even if you instigated it, you feel left behind. You feel cheated that they didn’t try harder. They didn’t fight for the relationship. And you feel guilty that maybe you didn’t try as hard as you could. Maybe your expectations were to high. Maybe theirs were. Maybe they were trying. They just needed a different outcome than you did. Either way, I understand the frustration and self judgement one feels in this situation. However, this is a time of reflection and digestion. While you are in this mood you are learning even if you don’t realize it.

    Life is very much like a stretch of Texas Highway. Some places are filled with vibrant and beautiful fields of Blue Bonnets and Indian Paint Brush set on the side of the road that stretch into pastures and tree lines this time of year. But they aren’t everywhere. And they don’t stay long. No, it’s a special time and there are special places along your journey home. You don’t really miss them or even think about them till they start popping here and there. They are the bright spots in your trip thru Texas. And as fast as they came and are enjoyed, they are gone. And the road loses some of its granduer. You miss them, but you move on down the road. They left you with fond memories and the seeds to grow a new experience in the future.

    It’s time to feel normal again. But you have to be willing to appreciate the beauty where God placed it. And just know it will come again down the road. You don’t have to know the exact day or location. Just know it’s over the next hill.

    I love each and every  you

    Juliana

  • Happiness is.

    Sometimes the silliest things make me happy.

    I don’t know why or when it came about but for as long as I can remember ironing was always just fun to me.

    These days I roll my office chair around in front of the TV. I prop open my antique ironing board and grab my can of lemon scented spray starch and just press the bejesus out of all my clothes. I like the smell of the starch and the sense of accomplishment when all the pants are done. I know it sounds silly. But there it is. It makes me happy. And while I was ironing today I thought of all the people I touched this weekend by showing up and participating and how they touched me in turn. JUST PARTICIPATING makes such a huge impact.

    Opening day of little league was interesting for sure. 100’s of boys and girls took the field all in their respective age groups and teams. Coaches and kids alike in their new uniforms. I saw more than one little boy trying to adjust to the athletic cup that was ten times bigger than he was. And though I hated getting up so early – it was pretty damn funny to watch. Each of the kids that participated in the ceremony from flag bearer to leading the Little League pledge looked to me to get them through their part. There was fear in those little eyes…they were nervous. But they did just fine.

    Evening came and I  sang in the show at Cullen Theater that focused on the need for peace in the world through diversity and acceptance. It was just the other side of awesome. Different countries, different languages, different styles of performance all brought together through music. It brought happiness to a full audience that clapped and cheered for more.

    My weekend was just a reminder that we can make our own happiness. And it really doesn’t have to be a complicated process. Sometimes just showing up is enough.The only person who holds the key to your happiness is you. As we get older we sometimes forget where we put our keys. Check the bowl by the front door. I’ll bet you can find a spare there.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • All through the night….

    The night was clear and there seemed to be a thousand stars in the sky. The amber-colored lights of the city flickered at a steady pace below us. I was comfortable, relaxed. There was a soft glow of light from the dashboard radio as we sat in an old red Land Shark listening to Smokey Robinson. Great car that 59 Cadillac Convertible with its white leather bucket seats and stylish fins flying off the back. You were sitting there just being gorgeous in your own skin. Your smile so broad it belonged on a toothpaste commercial. Your eyes as soft as your touch. There I sat just waiting for your kiss…………..BING! BING! BING!…….BING! BING! BING!…….DAMN IT BLACKBERRY!!!! I was sleeping! And dreaming….oooooh, maybe if I shut my eyes really quickly I can pick up where I left off.

    Eyes shut tight, deep breath,  exhale…..wait…..wait….waittttt…..nothing!

    Nothing pisses me off more than having a brilliantly vibrant dream squashed by ……MORNING….Business…..E-Mails…..Texts……WORK! Just when it was getting really good just like in the movies….BWAUHHHH!!! 😦

    What was so important? Catherine’s is having a 40% off sale on Maggie Barnes Tops and Bottoms this weekend only! One Spirit Book Club has FREE shipping and one of the girls wants an impromptu rehearsal at her apartment tonight. All before 7:30 am. Then I notice my Danceswithfat blog has come in as well. I refuse to get up yet so I read it in bed. Boy did that wake me up.

    Apparently Rick Chandler a sports writer for a MAJOR news agency wrote a tasteless blog about Kelly Gneiting. The 430 lb former sumo wrestler who ran and COMPLETED the LA MARATHON. Regan (From danceswithfat) didn’t want to comment on his blog site but aired her disdain on her own blog. But I damn sure wrote on his comment board. His blog is below and so is my comment.

    Kelly Gneiting hauls his 430 pounds to LA Marathon finish line

    Rick Chandler

    Mar 21, 2011, 7:18 PM EDT

    “Kelly Gneiting, a 430-pound sumo wrestler and longhaul truck driver, entered the Guinness Book of World Records on Sunday as the heaviest person to ever finish a marathon, finishing the Los Angeles Marathon in 11 hours, 52 minutes, and 11 seconds. Impressive, I suppose. But you may scratch your head when you read the following quote:

    After jogging the first 8 miles, he walked the final 18. According to Fox Sports he claims he was delirious from mile 10 onward.

    What fun!

    But taking half a day to finish a marathon, and walking the great majority of it, is not really a sports accomplishment, is it? It’s just kind of a long walk to the store. The bigger accomplishment would be losing 200 pounds and then running the marathon. But there I go being cynical again. Actually, since Gneiting is the size of two people, you could say that each of him finished in 5 hours, 26 minutes, 5 seconds. That sounds better.”

    RICK

    I am, well, just sick over your comments. Had this ATHLETE been in a wheel chair , or 90 yrs old or on fake legs, deaf and blind you would have applauded his heroism, his drive and determination. His dedication to take on more than he was thought capable of would have made the evening news. I always have said the only two people who ever get recognition at a marathon or the winner and the guy who takes the longest to hit the finish line.

    This IS a sports accomplishment. Better yet it is a HUMAN accomplishment. I think he fucking ROCKS for daring to put himself out there. He has allot bigger balls  (no pun intended) then most the men I know regardless of their size.

    When will modern-day media get off the FAT WAGON and start seeing people for WHO they are.

    The “BIGGER ACCOMPLISHMENT” is not to lose weight first and then live your life. It is to take the first step to living your life OUTLOUD and being happy.

    A man born without a right leg won the NCAA wrestling championship. Did anybody write an article about how HE should have stayed on the couch? NO – he was applauded for his efforts and achievements.

    Try riding the HUMANITY TRAIN  Rick…It’s a much smoother ride!

    Well – That got my blood to boiling enough to get my ass out of bed. Just remember  – If you can dream it – you can live it! My “parking” days are far from over!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • PLAY BALL!!!!

    Have you noticed? The days are getting longer. The sun is shining down on us and the weather is getting warmer by the day. The grass is greener and my car is dusted in a light coating of fresh yellow gunk every day. I feel something strange creeping up on me day by day. My stomach is just a TAD queezy. Hmmm. I wonder what it could be? Spring Fever you ask? NO…well, ya – but NO…something else. Maybe love is in the air – Hardly!  Hay fever? No! Flu? – nope, already had that. How about the opening of Little League Baseball?…. yep, that’s it. DON’T LAUGH!!! I am dead serious here. It is way worse than you could ever imagine. 

    You see, I volunteered to do what most professional, experienced singers in their right mind, would NEVER do. I agreed to sing the National Anthem on Saturday for the Katy National Little League Opening day. Wait…..it gets better. I have to sing this nightmare of a song at 9:00am IN THE MORNING!!!!…..Lord, Jesus, help me…..I know not what I have done to myself!!!! I can’t decide between doing a shot of tequila or stepping in front of a moving beer truck before I sing. I mean, which is the appropriate choice? Liquor or shock and agh!!! Lord knows I don’t want to scare the children by coming out and singing the national anthem from the depths of my toenails so I have to do something to shock my system into responding to the “Call” at 9:00 in the morning? I don’t want to end up a YOUTUBE sensation this way? Listen mamma – that big lady sounds just like Uncle Charlie! So – I gotta get a plan together. I can do it. I can see it! There is a light at the end of the tunnel and It’s mine! After the anthem, I get to be the Master of Ceremonies and emcee the parade and annouce every team from T-ball to Varsity. Yeah …..okay – so I’ll have fun. I mean – how many times in life do you get to MC a PARADE??? I know! Right?

    Mercy, the things we do for our friends sometimes. But that is why they are friends. They know they can count on us even when they know we would much rather  be snuggled in bed and sleeping late on a Saturday morning. You gotta play to win. And winning in life means participating. So I am in. Making each day be the fullest and best it can be. After my Baseball Breakfast morning I am off to the Theatre downtown for tech rehearsal and then curtain up on “Dim Sum and Then Some…a Foriegn Affair”…Top the night off with after show dinner with friends then this rubenesque diva will have earned the right to snuggle my pillow one more night!

    Sieze the day!!!

    I love each and every one of you. And on Saturday I’ll be loving Jeff just a tad more.

    Juliana