Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Category: mid life

  • When I was a child….

    When I was a child I spoke as a child. I understood as a child. I thought as a child – an overweight child. And when I became a woman, regardless of my size, I continued to speak, comprehend and think as an overweight person.

    I found this picture last night of myself in 1982. I look at it today and think – wow…I wasn’t huge! But I never felt like anything other than enormous, standing out in the crowd and being stared at for being overweight and homely. BUT – damn it! There wasn’t a damn thing wrong with me. I even had on stylish shoes for Christ sake.

    So I looked closer at more of my pictures that show the roller coaster of sizes through the years. Up and down, round and round. Size 18, 20, 22, 24, 26, 16, 14, 28…..In my mind – they were all out of the norm. Don’t get me wrong – I was never THIN…but I hit average a time or two and didn’t FEEL it. The only thing I felt was exposed. More people noticed me the thinner I got and more people approached me to be social and go to parties and well, honestly it scared the hell out of me. On some levels it offended me that people I had known thru my work industry for years were inviting me to cocktail parties at their homes etc…In rebellion I became almost reclusive. I did not have my weight to protect me so I just hid….and ate and gained back my blanket of fat.

    It is my mission to change my mind set NOW. I will not even wait for the weight to come off. I must heal my mind and my perception of myself for my body to follow. I realize that only through a permanent mind set will I be able to maintain any kind of lifestyle program to achieve a healthier weight.

    I had a heart attack at 36yrs of age. I had weighed nearly 285 when it happened. I dropped 95 lbs while in cardiac rehab combined with dieting over 6 months. I was in a size 16 by the time I was released to full-time work and left to an unmonitored life. In no time at all I began to add back the weight.

    Yep – That is me  on the right. Size 16 and at a swanky gay affair! Maybe not svelte but I had a damn waistline!

    I still felt huge.

    The mind is a powerful thing.  I am redirecting my thought patterns. I am no longer a child. I am a woman and I will speak as a woman who knows and understands herself to be beautiful at any age or size. I will embrace this new understanding with love and I will think with the clarity of this new vision. A vision that was always meant to be mine from the beginning.

    Me size 26/28 (depends on what it is) hanging out with more beautiful women welcoming lil Darsh into the fold.

    I love each and every one of you. I hope you look in the mirror today and see the beauty that I see in you.

    Aghhhh so many women….so little time! 🙂

    Juliana

  • They say it’s your birthday……

    It’s a birthday kinda weekend. I’m heading to an 8th birthday party tomorrow for Lil’ Ty. I just don’t know what to wear!

    Lately, every day has been my birthday. I wake up each day and “Make a wish”. And though I’m not blowing out a candle over lusciously delicious pastries I am, none the less, celebrating.

    I am 48 years young and feel younger instead of older everyday. This whole eating right really does have a positive effect. It’s not all about just changing my attitude about life and the body following. It is a result of feeding my body what it needs. And IT changing how I feel. I am eating  at least 6 small meals a day and yes that means making sure I take my Scooby Do lunch box everywhere I go. My energy is through the roof. In the past years I ate dinner at night and had to wait for it to get dark enough to justify going to bed. NOW – OMG!

    I MAKE myself go to bed at 1am and I wake up no later then 6:30am feeling refreshed and ready to pin the tail on the donkey. I could have slept 10 hours before and not felt rested. I’m sure it’s all about the science of consistent blood sugar levels, and energy foods….blah blah blah….But I like to think it’s the daily birthday wish.

    I love each and every one of you and if it’s your birthday..well..today…I love you just a little more for sticking around for cake and ice cream.

    Juliana

  • The Power of FEET…..

    Feet…I don’t pay much attention to them except when they are swollen twice their normal size and hurting like a big dog but today, I decided to wear some cute little black flats with my summer outfit of choice. I put them on and did a double take. Eeeewwwwww. Whose feet are these???

    These ragged, rough examples of worn out soles are in serious need of attention. Professional attention!

    Losing weight and feeling good makes you stop and look in the mirror you usually would have avoided. It makes you want to wear the latest seasonal fashions and fads instead of your worn out Target T-shirt and jeans. It’s all about feeling better, being healthy and taking care of the things that keep you moving forward in your life. And FEET are at the top of the list!! They are our foundation. They help us hold our ground or dodge a bullet. They can kick ass when necessary or deliver a flirty message underneath the tablecloth at your favorite restaurant.  So wether you use your feet for function or flirting just remember to take care of what is carrying you through the day.

    So today at lunch- I will munch on my scooby snacks on the way to the salon for a mani-pedi. I’m making time for what is important. ME!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Urban Myths…..And speeding bullets….

    Have you ever heard someone say, “My, My,  mercy. That woman is as big around as she is tall”. Which is quickly followed by some knee slapping, a good belly laugh and maybe a snort or two.

    I’m sure you are all equally, if  not more, familiar with the age-old phrase “curiosity killed the cat”….well, put this puss 6 feet under. My curiosity got the best of me. All those damn “trackers” on the POINTSPLUS with Weight Watchers did me in. I discovered last week that there was not only your POINTS Tracker and an Activity Tracker and a Weight Tracker but down in the right hand corner was a MEASUREMENT TRACKER. Can you see the speeding bullet coming at you. Well, I forgot to duck and seeing as I  have blonde highlights in my hair for the summer  it took me a few days for it to dawn on me.

    My hips measured 63 inches. DANG!!!! I know – SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!

    Someone sent me an email with one of those chinese number bullshit things. Add your current age to the year you were born and no matter what it will be 111. I tried it – it worked, BFD! Then I decided…huh…I wonder what 63 inches is converted into feet?

    Let me just say I started backwards and converted my height into inches just for comparison’s sake. I’m 5’4″ tall. You do the math………..I’ll wait……….if you got 63, you suck at math. If you got 64 then you are correct. And no I am not as big around as I am tall but I’m damn near it!!!

    How many more ways is Weight Watchers going to hold me accountable? For Christ’s sake it’s all on-line. I joined so I wouldn’t have to go to weekly meetings and be held ACCOUNTABLE  at weigh in with a room full of strangers. Damn it! Foiled again!

    Well, the automated Fat Patrol is doing its duty. I’m 3 weeks in and have lost 5% of my body weight. HA! Take that Mr. Tracker….course I only know that because the tracker told me so.

    I love each and every one of you. Watch out for speeding bullets!

    Juliana

  • I get the point….

     

     

    I have been running mach 90 with my hair on fire this week! I have worked from 8am – 2am and gotten up and done it all over again. 4 days of non-stop events and more to come over the next three days. The busiest week we have had all year and I am doing it  – cankle free!

    I have managed to take my retro Scooby Doo lunch box with me everyday. I searched for The Partridge Family, Gumby and Bobby Sherman lunch boxes because they were the ones I actually owned in the 70’s but… no luck. The only retro on the shelf at Target was Scooby. SO Scooby it is, filled with all my POINTS for the day…okay – not all my points but most! And I have been able to MAKE time to log my points on the tracker on line.

    It freaks me out at how much I have to eat a day to use up my points. I have points left each night but I have gotten better. Today I only have three points left. I just can’t eat another dang thing.

    Extra temptations surround me everywhere I go when we are so busy. I turned down a wonderful plated dinner at a gala Tuesday night for what was in my Scooby Box. I did the same last night at Tony Valone’s. Today – they delivered 13 piping hot pizzas for the crew so they could keep up the pace for lunch….ohhhh they smelled soooo good. But by eating the things I brought all day, I wasn’t hungry….but Girl, I was still tempted cause it just smelled so dang good and greasy! You feel me don’t cha?

    I always thought Weight Watchers was going to be hard. But it is easy once you get the hang of it. This has been the best I have done and most consistent I have been on watching what I eat in years.

    Oh I still get to play in the kitchen and get creative. Check out the photo of the making of a wrap above.

    Ezekiel Sprouted Grain tortilla with Olive and garlic humus, fresh spinach, 1 slice of white cheddar, 1 slice of Boar’s head turkey breast, cucumbers, tomatoes,onions, bean sprouts, carrots and topped with Wanda’s home-made pepper relish. Yummy wrap I make the night before and put in the fridge till the next day. And it’s less than 8 points.

    I get the point GOD! My best days are yet to come!

    "Julie, Julie, Julie do ya love me?"
    Bobby Sherman- Julie, Julie, Julie do ya love me…..

     

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • WTF!!!…..

    I know it sounds weird but I have never used an alarm clock. I don’t even own one. I just decide what time to get up and that’s when I wake up. Neat trick, I know.

    You may think it’s just repetition or routine but it’s not. Whether I need to wake up at 4am or 8am it’s all the same.

    Now GETTING up can be the challenge. I admit! I am not that disciplined. So telling myself to get up in time to work out and eat a descent breakfast, choke down all my meds and pack a lunch for the day including snacks and bottled water AND log it all in a Weight Watchers PointsPlus system??? okay – it’s not going to happen most days.

    So today I am headed to Target. I’m going to go buy the most obnoxious alarm clock I can find. The kind that keeps annoyingly chiming away till you GET UP and turn it off. I’m hoping I will turn my morning silence that I am so accustomed to into a swift kick in the ass to get up and do what we all know I should be doing.

    I’m finally getting the hang of the Points Plus system and I have bought some of the items at the store that have the points listed on them so I don’t have to even think about it. And since you can add in your own recipes you can create your own items which I think is kinda cool.

    But it all comes down to how your start your day. I know that when I give myself 30 more minutes to snuggle into my Egyptian Cotton sheets and Downy fresh pillow that I’m not REALLY pampering myself like I tell myself I am. I’m just succumbing to my own line of BS.

    When the day is done, the WEIGHT of it is all on my own shoulders. I have taken care of plenty of people in my life. Friends, Lovers and Bosses alike. THAT was a self imposed obstacle and distraction to taking care of myself. I made them more important. I had no problem getting up at 5:30 in the morning to make a partner breakfast or spending the money I should have saved for catching up on bills on entertaining a friend and buying her those things she mentioned she didn’t have.   Somehow it just seemed they were more important. That they deserved to have the things they wanted. Consequently, I attracted those people to be in my inner most circle for most of my life. My mistake was making all THEIR moments more important than my own.

    I get pissed sometimes that it took me 48 years to realize I had my own value. That I was worthy of being taken care of. But WTF, better now than never I say.

    I love each and every one of you and today, I’m gonna love me just a little more.

    Juliana

  • Weight Watchers….whose watching???

    Alright, I have succumbed to the Jennifer Hudson hype and joined Weight Watchers on line for three months. That was $65.00 out of my budget that just vanished with the click of a keystroke. But there is still nobody WATCHING me…I can still eat what I like. There are no POINTS POLICE lurking behind the counter at the Local Popeye’s Chicken just waiting to bust me and take me down for a calorie violation.  Nope – not even a Meter Reader to issue me so much as a warning for parking at the Baskin Robins. What the hell did I pay for??? Dang it! There are no free rides even when you shell out cold hard electronic cash. I still have to do all the work myself. I have to plan meals and log in every POINT of substinance that passes my lips. And they tricked me – their is an ACTIVITY LOG to go with it….they even expect me to log how much I drink.

    This is like…like…..HOMEWORK! What about my tan time? What about Dancing with the STARS? What about FACEBOOK????

    Okay – I’m done bitching. I know (after finally reading my last hospital report about RESTRICTIONS) that I have to knuckle down and get on the ball. They have finally gotten really nasty about salt – it’s FORBIDDEN….and alcohol…I just don’t even want to talk about it. And after looking up points on a hotdog which remains one of my favorite foods – Well, let’s just say that after adding those points to the POINT TRACKER I wouldn’t be allowed to eat for a week.

    Ho – hum…what’s a beautiful girl to do?…..COUNT Points with Jennifer Hudson I guess. I bet she doesn’t even log in her own points. I bet she  has a personal assistant that logs everything she eats into the POINT TRACKER and sends up a warning when she gets too close to going over budget for the day. Aghhh the life of the rich and famous.

    I love each and every morsel of you

    Juliana

  • Standing on my own two feet…..

    It’s been a great weekend. And I think my batteries are all recharged to take on the week.

    I’ve peeled crawfish till my thumbs swole up. I have burned more calories laughing than I could have burned walking round and round and round the block. I have breathed in the scent of the piney woods and the fresh salty breeze of an evening ocean. I have been here and there and everywhere in between. Life has become fuller, richer and yet calmer all at the same time.

    And that, my friend, comes from standing on my own two feet. Sounds simple and you may even think you do it everyday but we often depend so much on other people that their absence or lack of attention can take our feet right out from under us.

    The quest to find someone to walk beside you and hold your hand without pulling you down or propping you up is a tough crusade. The bigger challenge is to be that same type of person to others. Some people only feel needed and loved if they are helping or fixing someone else and THEIR problems. Others only know how to take your energy as if it were their own. They feed on YOUR need to be needed. So in the vicious cycle of co-dependency neither of you move forward. One never learns to stand on their own and the other so busy holding up the other that they forget to live their own life. BALANCE is the place where you stand firmly on your own two feet. Nothing and no one can knock you off your feet if you have that balance.

    It’s a process everyday. I don’t know all the answers and even some of the answers I do have are hard to live day-to-day. Old habits die-hard. There are still things I struggle to let go of. But the thing I do know is I am heading in the right direction.

    I love each and every one of you. Happy Birthday Leslie.

    Juliana

  • Sprinkles on my ice cream…..

    Just hanging by the pool today and getting some sun and  fun work done all at the same time.

    Beautiful Girl Productions is chugging down the track like a steam locomotive. The Accountant is setting up the books cause I kinda suck at that and the graphic designer is working on the first show poster.

    I am working on the script and my mind is all a buzzzzzz.

    Preview night is MONTHS away but all the planning  is happening at the speed of light. Mark your calendars for January 4th 2012. That will be  Preview night for NAME IN LIGHTS…..Dairy of a MAD*FAT*WOMAN with official opening on January 5th. We will run for two weeks at Obsidian Art Space.

    The Foyer  of Obsidian will be tranformed into an ART GALLERY for the run of show and feature Art and Photography from Beautiful Girls from around the world. You are not going to want to miss one moment of this ride!

    I don’t think I have ever been this excited in my life. What a gift living is. I am blessed to be surrounded by so many loving people who encourage me to live my best moments day by day.

    I encourage you to do the same. Don’t wait till everything is settled, the bills are paid, the kids are grown, you lose some weight or you get that promotion. If you keep thinking “someday, my time will come” you will always project THAT day as out of reach. Grab your time TODAY.

    The moment is NOW. The people that surround you are here NOW. Living is NOW. Loving and embracing all THAT is LIVING!

    I love each and every one of you more than sprinkles on my ice cream!

    Juliana

  • Good Friday…..Best Life EVER!

    Good Morning world. It is GOOD FRIDAY! In my book, all Fridays are Good Friday. But this Friday the Blonde Bunny and I will be celebrating with a bevy of fabulous friends at the LAW Good Friday Crawfish Boil.

    Our afternoon will include the holy trinity of crawfish, potatoes and corn. Throw in some sides, some cold drinks and a crazy bunch of people with a jam box and you have yourself one heck of a religious experience.

    It’s a time to be thankful. It’s a time to be reborn. Good Friday and Easter – It’s not just the resurrection story of a man who came and gave his life on the cross for our “Sins” and then arose three days later. It’s not just about what someone did for us! It is a map – a guideline, an example of how to renew your own life and be born anew.

    Change is hard. Letting go of your burdens is difficult when you feel that only your burdens define you. Instead of pointing the finger of blame at those around you for being  the source of your discomfort or for being the barrier to your success   – “forgive them, for they know not what they do”. YOU have the power to release and forgive them because only you have the vision of who you truly are. There is no room for judgement or grudges in the Kingdom of Heaven. And the Kingdom of Heaven is within you.  Let the past die away, enter the chamber of your heart and rest in the new ideas of love, forgiveness and peace. See the obstacles that block your path dissolve away. Forgive YOURSELF for not believing in the power and wonder of YOU and the God within you. Only then can you awaken to a new life. Only then can you accept the wonderful gifts that were meant to be yours all along. Only then will you live your best life ever!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana