Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Category: Love

  • Standing on my own two feet…..

    It’s been a great weekend. And I think my batteries are all recharged to take on the week.

    I’ve peeled crawfish till my thumbs swole up. I have burned more calories laughing than I could have burned walking round and round and round the block. I have breathed in the scent of the piney woods and the fresh salty breeze of an evening ocean. I have been here and there and everywhere in between. Life has become fuller, richer and yet calmer all at the same time.

    And that, my friend, comes from standing on my own two feet. Sounds simple and you may even think you do it everyday but we often depend so much on other people that their absence or lack of attention can take our feet right out from under us.

    The quest to find someone to walk beside you and hold your hand without pulling you down or propping you up is a tough crusade. The bigger challenge is to be that same type of person to others. Some people only feel needed and loved if they are helping or fixing someone else and THEIR problems. Others only know how to take your energy as if it were their own. They feed on YOUR need to be needed. So in the vicious cycle of co-dependency neither of you move forward. One never learns to stand on their own and the other so busy holding up the other that they forget to live their own life. BALANCE is the place where you stand firmly on your own two feet. Nothing and no one can knock you off your feet if you have that balance.

    It’s a process everyday. I don’t know all the answers and even some of the answers I do have are hard to live day-to-day. Old habits die-hard. There are still things I struggle to let go of. But the thing I do know is I am heading in the right direction.

    I love each and every one of you. Happy Birthday Leslie.

    Juliana

  • Good Friday…..Best Life EVER!

    Good Morning world. It is GOOD FRIDAY! In my book, all Fridays are Good Friday. But this Friday the Blonde Bunny and I will be celebrating with a bevy of fabulous friends at the LAW Good Friday Crawfish Boil.

    Our afternoon will include the holy trinity of crawfish, potatoes and corn. Throw in some sides, some cold drinks and a crazy bunch of people with a jam box and you have yourself one heck of a religious experience.

    It’s a time to be thankful. It’s a time to be reborn. Good Friday and Easter – It’s not just the resurrection story of a man who came and gave his life on the cross for our “Sins” and then arose three days later. It’s not just about what someone did for us! It is a map – a guideline, an example of how to renew your own life and be born anew.

    Change is hard. Letting go of your burdens is difficult when you feel that only your burdens define you. Instead of pointing the finger of blame at those around you for being  the source of your discomfort or for being the barrier to your success   – “forgive them, for they know not what they do”. YOU have the power to release and forgive them because only you have the vision of who you truly are. There is no room for judgement or grudges in the Kingdom of Heaven. And the Kingdom of Heaven is within you.  Let the past die away, enter the chamber of your heart and rest in the new ideas of love, forgiveness and peace. See the obstacles that block your path dissolve away. Forgive YOURSELF for not believing in the power and wonder of YOU and the God within you. Only then can you awaken to a new life. Only then can you accept the wonderful gifts that were meant to be yours all along. Only then will you live your best life ever!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • I’m not FAT ….I’m Fluffy!

    It sounds good in theory anyway. Being fluffy instead of fat. That’s what a friend’s son told me once a few years back. That I was Fluffy – not FAT.

    You see, kids don’t really have filters at 7, or 8, or 9….to him FAT was a negative thought and once he spent a few hours with me we were the best of pals and I couldn’t peel him off me. He was glued to my side.

    His mother politely told him to GET OFF me. He replied that he couldn’t. “She is so soft and fluffy”, he exclaimed with a smile and nuzzled his face into my side.

    Yep – that’s me. I’m broken in like an old Lazy Boy recliner. Soft and comfy in all the right places. I know I’m overweight. No nine-year old needs to tell me that. But somehow I have been able to win them over with my charm, wit and homemade peach cobbler.

    I never had kids. When I was younger I believed that threat my mother yelled out at me when I misbehaved. “Someday you’ll have  kids and they’re gonna be JUST LIKE YOU. YOU JUST WAIT LITTLE LADY!”. I always thought – HELL NO I’M NOT! And I have lived by my proclamation.

    So, I am Auntie, Aunt Huli, Tia. To Nieces and Nephews by blood and by choice. I am the coolest Aunt around. I answer calls at midnight from stranded college students. I hear about first kisses and broken hearts. I have done my fair share of homework , science projects and parties at Chucky Cheese. I’ve sat thru school and church concerts, plays and sports games at 8:00 am in the cold rainy morning.  I’ve dug thru mounds of dirty clothes in search of THE shirt that MUST be worn NOW! I’ve over bought and over indulged. I’ve bent the house rules, stayed up too late and let them sleep to long? YEP – I am Aunt Huli, Auntie, the fluffiest Tia in Town. I don’t mind it at all.

    I made an impression – and so did they. There is a new one on the way this fall. I can’t wait to meet her…or him.

    I love each and every one of you

    Signing off – Your fluffiness – Juliana

  • All roads……

    A friend asked me yesterday ” When am I going to stop missing my last relationship?”

    Boy, If I could tell you that I’d be a millionaire.

    But the question isn’t really when will you quit missing that person. And it’s not ” when will you meet someone new?”. It’s simpler than that. It’s: WHEN WILL YOU FEEL NORMAL AGAIN?  There was a time before the relationship when things were normal. You were single and spent time with family and friends and you felt no pressure to be with anyone. Dinners out and movies, trips to the beach and family reunions, brunch on a Sunday or Wednesday night out with the girls. All just the average things you participated in on a daily basis. But now – you feel abnormal, unbalanced, incomplete.

    Since your breakup, even if you instigated it, you feel left behind. You feel cheated that they didn’t try harder. They didn’t fight for the relationship. And you feel guilty that maybe you didn’t try as hard as you could. Maybe your expectations were to high. Maybe theirs were. Maybe they were trying. They just needed a different outcome than you did. Either way, I understand the frustration and self judgement one feels in this situation. However, this is a time of reflection and digestion. While you are in this mood you are learning even if you don’t realize it.

    Life is very much like a stretch of Texas Highway. Some places are filled with vibrant and beautiful fields of Blue Bonnets and Indian Paint Brush set on the side of the road that stretch into pastures and tree lines this time of year. But they aren’t everywhere. And they don’t stay long. No, it’s a special time and there are special places along your journey home. You don’t really miss them or even think about them till they start popping here and there. They are the bright spots in your trip thru Texas. And as fast as they came and are enjoyed, they are gone. And the road loses some of its granduer. You miss them, but you move on down the road. They left you with fond memories and the seeds to grow a new experience in the future.

    It’s time to feel normal again. But you have to be willing to appreciate the beauty where God placed it. And just know it will come again down the road. You don’t have to know the exact day or location. Just know it’s over the next hill.

    I love each and every  you

    Juliana

  • All through the night….

    The night was clear and there seemed to be a thousand stars in the sky. The amber-colored lights of the city flickered at a steady pace below us. I was comfortable, relaxed. There was a soft glow of light from the dashboard radio as we sat in an old red Land Shark listening to Smokey Robinson. Great car that 59 Cadillac Convertible with its white leather bucket seats and stylish fins flying off the back. You were sitting there just being gorgeous in your own skin. Your smile so broad it belonged on a toothpaste commercial. Your eyes as soft as your touch. There I sat just waiting for your kiss…………..BING! BING! BING!…….BING! BING! BING!…….DAMN IT BLACKBERRY!!!! I was sleeping! And dreaming….oooooh, maybe if I shut my eyes really quickly I can pick up where I left off.

    Eyes shut tight, deep breath,  exhale…..wait…..wait….waittttt…..nothing!

    Nothing pisses me off more than having a brilliantly vibrant dream squashed by ……MORNING….Business…..E-Mails…..Texts……WORK! Just when it was getting really good just like in the movies….BWAUHHHH!!! 😦

    What was so important? Catherine’s is having a 40% off sale on Maggie Barnes Tops and Bottoms this weekend only! One Spirit Book Club has FREE shipping and one of the girls wants an impromptu rehearsal at her apartment tonight. All before 7:30 am. Then I notice my Danceswithfat blog has come in as well. I refuse to get up yet so I read it in bed. Boy did that wake me up.

    Apparently Rick Chandler a sports writer for a MAJOR news agency wrote a tasteless blog about Kelly Gneiting. The 430 lb former sumo wrestler who ran and COMPLETED the LA MARATHON. Regan (From danceswithfat) didn’t want to comment on his blog site but aired her disdain on her own blog. But I damn sure wrote on his comment board. His blog is below and so is my comment.

    Kelly Gneiting hauls his 430 pounds to LA Marathon finish line

    Rick Chandler

    Mar 21, 2011, 7:18 PM EDT

    “Kelly Gneiting, a 430-pound sumo wrestler and longhaul truck driver, entered the Guinness Book of World Records on Sunday as the heaviest person to ever finish a marathon, finishing the Los Angeles Marathon in 11 hours, 52 minutes, and 11 seconds. Impressive, I suppose. But you may scratch your head when you read the following quote:

    After jogging the first 8 miles, he walked the final 18. According to Fox Sports he claims he was delirious from mile 10 onward.

    What fun!

    But taking half a day to finish a marathon, and walking the great majority of it, is not really a sports accomplishment, is it? It’s just kind of a long walk to the store. The bigger accomplishment would be losing 200 pounds and then running the marathon. But there I go being cynical again. Actually, since Gneiting is the size of two people, you could say that each of him finished in 5 hours, 26 minutes, 5 seconds. That sounds better.”

    RICK

    I am, well, just sick over your comments. Had this ATHLETE been in a wheel chair , or 90 yrs old or on fake legs, deaf and blind you would have applauded his heroism, his drive and determination. His dedication to take on more than he was thought capable of would have made the evening news. I always have said the only two people who ever get recognition at a marathon or the winner and the guy who takes the longest to hit the finish line.

    This IS a sports accomplishment. Better yet it is a HUMAN accomplishment. I think he fucking ROCKS for daring to put himself out there. He has allot bigger balls  (no pun intended) then most the men I know regardless of their size.

    When will modern-day media get off the FAT WAGON and start seeing people for WHO they are.

    The “BIGGER ACCOMPLISHMENT” is not to lose weight first and then live your life. It is to take the first step to living your life OUTLOUD and being happy.

    A man born without a right leg won the NCAA wrestling championship. Did anybody write an article about how HE should have stayed on the couch? NO – he was applauded for his efforts and achievements.

    Try riding the HUMANITY TRAIN  Rick…It’s a much smoother ride!

    Well – That got my blood to boiling enough to get my ass out of bed. Just remember  – If you can dream it – you can live it! My “parking” days are far from over!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Hell of a ride…..

    When I was a kid I loved to make wishes on dandelions and blooooooow….The fuzzy white seed pods would fly apart and I watched them drift away in the summer sun like mini storm troopers parachuting to earth.  Honestly, I still love doing that. But I think I have refined the process. It’s not just WISHES anymore. It is CLEAR INTENT. It is pure thought, born of faith, that can become manifest if you just see it in your minds eye. Just like the wish you make before you blow out a birthday candle. Close you eyes and WISH. Close your eyes and see that wish coming true. Claim it with pure intent.

    When you can stand your ground and proclaim with clear intent then you bend the ear of the Universe and you are heard. I have lots of wishes, some for me and some for you and some just for the dandelion.

    Don’t be afraid to dream. Don’t shy away from success. It is never to late to awaken your inner child and believe that all things are possible. Whether you are 8 or 80 you can redirect your life everyday you wake up and put your feet to the floor. Nuetral is not a speed. Engage your mind, awaken your heart and dream the bigger life you want into existence.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

    And a special shout out to Ragan who said on danceswithfat.blog today

    “The fact that dating me means choosing to see beyond the stereotype of beauty is a natural screening process for cowards.  And that’s awesome, because you must be this brave to ride this ride.”

    Oh yeah, baby! You know it!. And believe me, no matter what I weigh – I AM ONE HELL OF A RIDE!

  • The lil’ Engine that could…..

    As you may, or hell, may not know…I’m a singer. I perform with the Bayou City Performing Arts in Houston. This coming Saturday is our big concert at Cullen Theater.

    It seems rather timely that our conductor would have chosen a concert based on all the diversity around the world. There is so much unrest in the middle east and countries struggling for democracy. Men, women and children have been displaced in Japan by mother nature and the failings of man to predict what good ole mother earth was capable of. Many have lost there lives in the past month on many fronts, for many reasons. So, it is only fitting that we, The Women’s Chorus of Houston, The Gay Men’s Chorus and the Bayou City Chorale should all come together in the universal language of music with such wonderful guests performers as the KIPP SHARP Singers and the United Nations Association International Choir.

    I have never been very good at memorizing lyrics and this show is no exception. Songs in Indian, Hebrew, Hawaiian, African, Spanish boy, talk about a mouth full. But I am studying…okay, cramming. I think I can, I think I can….Crap, even the English is hard since the tempo is running mach 90 with it’s hair on fire.I don’t think I studied this hard in college…well, except for Costume History and that class was a bitch!

    Anyway,we are all putting forth our best efforts to show that Bayou City Performing Arts isn’t just about sexual diversity and tolerance. It’s GLOBAL diversity and tolerance. When we can put aside the things that make us different and focus on the things we have in common we, as a species, can move mountains. Peace between neighbors is possible and a helping hand is just outside your front door.

    if you happen to be in Houston this Saturday,March 26th, Take my hand. Come travel around the world with us. I love each and every one of you. And I promise I’ll know all my songs by Saturday!….I think I can , I think I can…..

    Juliana

    Other guest artists include:

    Brazilian Arts Foundation – Corazon de Mariachi – Golden Peacock Dance Company – Intuitive African Dance & Drum Culture – JTunes – Kuja Kim Korean Dance – Yellow River Chorus – McTeggart Irish Dancers of South Texas – Nritya School of Dance – Pride of the Pacific


  • Just us chickens…..

    Friday nights are always best when you can spend them with “THE GIRLS”. Girlfriends that have weathered the tides of time and share all the same aches and pains that you have endured one way or another.

    We are all past the point of needing to impress each other. There is no bragging of career successes, or husbands or children. We have all had our ups and down and have been made the better for it. No… We are there for hens night. Just a bunch of chicks eating Chinese delivery, enjoying the music, each other and pecking and clucking about the things that make us tick and giggle.

    It is liberating to be with these girls. Relaxing, entertaining and just pure fun to see us each old enough to not care that a pair of yellow capris might make our ass look like a big yellow bus coming down the side-walk. WHO CARES!!! Wear them anyway.

    We are a mixed lot of short and tall. Thin and fat but all of us making the steady climb up the ladder to 50. There is not a natural head of hair among us. One time brunettes are red-headed vixens while the brightest red-head is trying on blonde. We all agree high lights and low lights are the best thing for summer. Resale shops render the most fabulous buys.  Under wire bras and uncomfortable clothes are a thing of the past. Family pets are by far our favorite children. Nothing beats a South Padre vacation and sex just gets sweeter with time.

    We have come to know who we are and where we have come from. We know that the best moment is now. We love, we laugh, we share….and then we realize it’s way past our bed times and all scurry off home. Renewed, recharged and refreshed from a hens night. They are the best!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Choice

    Many things in life can make us unhappy, unfulfilled expectations, disappointment, illness, rejection and loss. Any number of things can trigger this emotional response that seems to weigh us down so far into the muck and mire that we can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

    But the light is there. It never went away. It comes from INSIDE you, not from the world around you. The sadness comes from the effects of what is unbalanced around you. Dis-ease takes over our spirit and panic rises up in our throat like a huge lump too big to swallow and we scramble to hold onto the idea that we once thought would make our life complete.

    To be UN-HAPPY is to be out of balance with who you are and what you value. Your moral compass is compromised. We often look for appreciation for the allowances and sacrifices we make when we compromise who we are. Rarely is that compromise acknowledged or appreciated. And so you give more, you wish more, you love more, all the while trying to fill a basin that is already broken. Eventually, having given all of yourself you can, you are left with not just one broken and empty basin but two. And you can only repair the one. You only have the power to fix your basin.

    Sometimes the best gift you can gift a person is the space and time to fix themselves.

    Being HAPPY makes you feel more alive that any other emotion. All other emotional staples lead to the sense of peace. When you are loved – you are happy, when you are successful you are happy.When you are reborn,  appreciated and made whole – you are HAPPY.  Your life is your own. If it’s not, then it is only because you have chosen to give it away. Once you claim your life back and are balanced and neither looking behind you or too far in front of you then you can realize that HAPPINESS is your choice. Choose to feel ALIVE. Choose to be HAPPY.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Happy St. Patty’s Day!!!

    What do each of the 4 leaf stand for?

    According to legend of western cultures, each of the four leaf clovers represent one theme.

    • First leaf is for hope
    • Second leaf is for faith
    • Third leaf is for love
    • Fourth leaf is for luck.

    I’m guessing I am one of the Lucky ones. I found a four-leaf clover once on the playground in elementary school. I hung on to it FOREVER. But, much like misspent youth, it is gone. No telling which pocket it was left in to run through the weekly laundry and down the drain. But I always remembered that I FOUND one. Finding it gave me HOPE.  Hope everyone could share in. It gave me FAITH. Cause finding it once meant you could find it again and again if you only look. It warmed my heart and I felt LOVE and connection to the world around me. And yes, It brought me LUCK. I was LUCKY to find it.

    I have been lucky through out my life. I always find hope when I am sure the last tread of hope is lost. I have faith that grows stronger every day that life will lead me where I need to be. I have love – unconditional love for those in my life and those that choose not to be. There is more than enough love to spare. I’d say that makes me pretty damn lucky!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana