Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Category: Love

  • Final Days…..

    Rough Days 101….It’s a core course. But I’m sure you get credit for it. Least I hope so.

    We lost a dear college friend this weekend. Randy Sparks passed away from a massive heart attack. He was in his early 40’s and leaves behind a son and a wife and more friends than you could fit in the largest theatre on Broadway. He was so loved and will be so missed. I cried like a baby when I heard the news.

    This morning I open Facebook to see my former roommate is in Katy Methodist. He experienced classic symptoms last night of a heart attack and in the wake of Randy’s sudden death went straight to the hospital. He sent me a text this morning thru his partner that he was doing okay as he prepares for more tests today. He is newly married, has a wonderful son and is so loved by so many. The only thing I could bring him he said was an extra million dollars …if I had it sitting around. I know he will be okay….But I cried like a baby.

    And then there was 3. My Father’s name is Denver, and that is what we all call him….we don’t call him Dad, Daddy, Father or Pop. He has never been any of those things to any of his children. He wasn’t a good husband or provider for his family. He just was never there for us.  He never learned to think beyond “Me, Myself and I” which was a legacy passed down from his own parents. Every one of his children vied for his attention in one way or another throughout some point in their lives. We all threw in the towel years ago , me included. Now in his finals days he seems shocked and amazed that no one “talks” to him. No one calls. My mother tends to his needs and we are polite for the most part but it doesn’t dawn on us to actually ….”act” like he exists as anything more than a thorn on our mothers side. A wheel chair bound amputee, COPD, PAD, Diabetes, Heart failure, dementia and now this week ,urine as black as night.  She takes him back to the doctor today and to yet another hospital stay. She tells me by phone that he stopped her this morning to say in his off-hand manner. “It’s really best that I just pass on, none of the kids talk to me anyway”…….OMG! Really??? What does he expect????  That was my first reaction. Defensive, bitter….that 8yr old little girl he pushed to the side so many times just lept right out of me. I choked it back down and assured my mother that we would do what we needed to do to make him comfortable and to call me once he was admitted. I hung up the phone …..and I cried like a baby.

    Regardless of what he did or didn’t do and all the reasons why. How do you, excuse me, I let another human being die thinking they were unloved. When do you throw away the tally card that lists all the reasons why and replace it with why not? Take away the equation that he was supposed to be my father. If he were a stranger, dieing on the street, I would hold his hand and stroke his hair and tell him it would be okay. That he wasn’t alone.   What will it cost me to do the same for Denver? Money? Pride? NO……Just FORGIVENESS. Do I have any left to give? I honestly don’t know…..still hard to commit. All that baggage of the past weighs so heavy on the scale.

    But I don’t live in the past anymore. I live in the now. And I have to keep reminding myself that each new day has a clean slate.

    Randy knew he was loved, Jay KNOWS he IS loved and Denver??? Well, it’s a rough day and it still makes me cry like a baby….Lord give me strength.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

  • Back in School…..

    Aghhhh the Lessons…..life is full of them. Sometimes they are easy and sometimes you have to repeat them over and over. First, you claim you just had a teacher that sucked and you just know you could have aced it if you just had a decent teacher. They were gunning for you from day one!

    The fact of the matter is LIFE IS A LESSON…and if you don’t GET IT the first time it will present itself over and over and over until YOU do get it!.

    Sometimes, distance gives us clarity and it is easy to see another person’s  life lesson because they are running parallel to our own experience. Compassion leads us to stick our nose in and offer our opinion. To raise the flag and say “Danger, danger Will Robinson!” Don’t feel like a failure if they don’t heed the warnings.

    In attempting to steer them away from the heart break or crisis you know is coming you are actually interfering with THEIR LIFE LESSON. Sometimes the lesson IS the heart break , the disappointment or defeat. Their lesson IS the crisis AND the recovery. If you interfere today, then you just delay their lesson till tomorrow.

    Show TRUE compassion, show the unconditional love of the Christ Consciousness. Allow people you care about to live out the lessons they have called into their own lives whether is be addiction, co-dependency or just plan fear to stand on their own two feet.  Support them with positive thoughts and prayer that they receive peace, love and perfect understanding from the Universe. THAT is Help. THAT is Compassion. THAT IS LOVE, BABY.

    Be happy that you worked thru YOUR life lesson and have moved on to the next. Allow them to do the same.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Shifting sands……

    The shifting sands of life can sometimes seem to spread out in every direction and appear so vast an expanse of nothing-ness that you lose your bearings. Sand spills into every opening in your shoes making every step you take that much more difficult and uncomfortable. The hot winds have left you so parched you couldn’t call out a name if you tried. Progress seems impossible. Survival both emotional, mental and physical is challenged to the breaking point.

    Stop – Look – Listen. That is not a freight train coming at you….it is an OASIS.

    There you will find water to quench your thirst, shelter from the hot pounding rays of the sun and food to feed your soul.

    Life is hardest when we put up the fight to cross the desert all in one trip. Take your time.

    The prize is not in the far away distance…. the prize is already in your hand. Relax your grip and open your hand wide. Make room for the hand of inner voice to guide you to safety.

    All that you have been and all that you have done has been a journey worth taking. There is more to come…..once you have rested.

     

    I love each and every one of you. Today I say to someone I love – Love yourself just a little bit more.

    Juliana

  • More please…..

    There are two kinds of people in the world:

    There are those that are willing to step out in faith and make things happen. They are the people willing to seize the day and grab hold of the enormous energy the Universe sends their way. They succeed because they have a broader vision of their worth and value to the world. They achieve more and contribute more because they accept that they can be more.

    And then,  there are those that don’t understand the power of faith and participation. They don’t appreciate their own value and the power of who they are and from where they came. They hedge their bets that if they just sit tight something will come their way. If it doesn’t, then they must not have deserved it. They let circumstance guide their lives. They define who they are by what others give them. Their perceived accomplishments are simply a collection of handouts they rarely can hold onto.

    I have found that the key to unlocking the FAITH and courage to step out on groundless ground is accepting that you deserve to have the ground reach up to support you on your journey.

    I used to live a different life. I thought that if I focused all my energy on caring for someone and taking care of their needs that I would have value. Mistakenly, I waited for them to define my worth. To pat my head and say I mattered. I based my value and my place in the world on how much I could do for them and how much it would be appreciated. I let someone else determine my worth. I always felt at the end of the day like I was the orphan in Oliver always holding up my cup and saying “More please” because I was left hungry for more love and acceptance.

    I made the conscious decision last year to define my own value and  focus all the energy I had been giving away to others on myself. I stepped out and grabbed hold of an incredible life energy, a life line that raised me above the drama and conflict that I had been wrapped in. And as things began to open up for me and the possibilities grew I realized that I began to matter more to myself. I began to eat better, live cleaner and take care of myself like I had never done before. I found myself sitting on the corner of life just waiting for me to ask myself to come out and play. And when I did,wow,  the world is a frick’in awesome playground. I think the monkey bars are my favorite.

    It’s amazing to realize that by simply shifting the focus off someone or something outside myself and redirecting it back to the child within me that so many rewards would come my way. The more I work on “ME” and the more I share that work with others the more people validate my life and say “I MATTER” by the hundreds. It feeds me. I am no longer the hungry orphan. I can be anything I choose to be, an artist, a writer, a singer, a friend or a lover. I have more to give because I make sure I am taken care of first. I eat so that I have the energy to feed others. I work out so that I am strong enough to lend a helping hand. I take care of myself so that I can actually be there for others.

    If you want to matter more to those around you. Matter more to yourself.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana


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  • THAT’S LOVE BABY!…..

    I would like to be light as a feather on the breeze, easily turned this way and that, floating free on the wind that pushes me upward and onward.

    Losing weight is not just about your body. Healing the body is just a cosmetic approach and doesn’t guarantee the mind will follow.   That is why so many people gain back the weight they fought so hard to lose. Heal the mind and the heart and the body will transform and mold to the new thought patterns you establish.

    Weight is not just on the outside. Weight is the load your heart carries everyday of anger, judgement, guilt and blame. These emotions bind us in chains and will sink us into the deep if we don’t let go. It is only through FORGIVENESS that you can lighten your load and ease your burden.

    Many times in life a friend or loved ones will lash out and hurt us. And we have done the same to them but it is easier to forget what impact we may have had on them and focus our own pain. We are all to blame. We don’t trust because we ourselves at one time weren’t trust worthy. We don’t forgive because we are afraid we can’t be forgiven. But to move on in life is to realize the beauty and love that is in each individual and realize we all have acted out of fear from time to time.

    Forgiveness is NOT a twelve step program. You don’t have to write a letter, or go to group to make amends. Just give yourself the time to turn within and envision the person who hurt you and then see the light of God fill them from head to toe and spread out from their body. Imagine yourself beside them, the light filling your own body and radiating outward.  Look into that light. That light will glow so brightly that all you will see is the radiance that was meant to be all along. The two lights will overlap and become one. It’s love baby. It’s what you are – it’s what they are. You are equal in God’s eyes. Forgive yourself at the same time you forgive everyone else. Lighten your load. Don’t judge – don’t blame. Heal your heart. And your body will follow.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • FEELING the pain…..

    I walked thru the wooden, hand-carved doors this afternoon and was very self-conscious of the heavy sound of my footsteps on the marble inlaid floor of the funeral home. Tears welled up in my eyes and I tried to swallow the solid lump that had formed in my throat before I even entered the chapel. I took a deep breath knowing the next few hours would be some of the hardest.

    There she sat, alone on the first pew nearest the coffin. A black lace shawl around her slumped shoulders. Family members gathered around the pearl white casket all with their backs to the mother who had suddenly lost her daughter.

    24 years ago I sat and listened to the story of their coming to this country from El Salvador. Their native-land left in military chaos and horrible uncertainty. They came here for a better life.

    I watched as her youngest little girl mastered English and learned to speak for her entire family. I saw her blossom into a beautiful young lady with dark hair and shimmering brown eyes. She excelled in school and graduate with honors. We expected no less. At a time when we should be celebrating a college graduation we instead are forced to celebrate a life we deemed to short.

    Grief can shred your heart if you allow all the “what if’s” and “what could have been’s” to take over your thoughts. I knew I had to celebrate the life that was lived and not the milestones that will be missed. If everything happens in God’s perfect time then even this has to bear a  blessing somehow.

    I walked to the casket to say a final goodbye, to utter a prayer for my baby girl to travel safe on her new journey. Her mother called to me and held up a black beaded Rosary.  “Please, put this in my babies hands?”… That lump jumped up into my throat again…but  I did just as she asked and laced the beads between her fingers, laying the cross and beads down gently over her folded hands. A beautiful girl, a beautiful life….a beautiful Angel.

    I felt the pain in that moment. Just as I should have. Emotions and feelings no longer dulled and masked by medications. I felt what was real, I cried the tears. It was not lost on me that her young life on earth ended as mine continues to blossom everyday. I know I will have one more angel in my spiritual family cheering me on from across the veil. I have had several good cries. I’m probably due a few more. It’s just part of being real.

    I love each and every one of you,

    Juliana

  • Bless your time……

    Bless your time. It was something I grew up hearing my grandmother say all the time. When I was younger I didn’t really understand what it meant and thought it sounded kinda stupid. Why didn’t she just say “God bless you” or “Thank you” like everybody else. Of course, it wasn’t as silly as the women all circled around the kitchen table commenting on how “pretty” her peaches, jams or jellies were she canned. Pretty?? You’re suppose to taste it – not look at it.

    Well, NOW I get it. I understand them both. And yes. I have made up some “pretty” pickled beets in my day and my strawberry jam is gorgeous if I do say so myself!

    Bless your time. It’s a THANK YOU for taking the time out of your busy schedule. A THANK YOU for showing just how much you care. A THANK YOU for showing just how important a person is in  life. THANK YOU for taking the time to show it. Time is what many of us think we just don’t have enough of. But when you take the time to do something special for someone it’s not the dollar amount you spend but how much love, thought and time you put into the giving.

    My sweet mama Wanda has spent the better part of the last 12 months making me a handmade, appliqued quilt with a likeness of my cat Punkin on it. I received the finished quilt this past weekend. And it is gorgeous! Look at that LOVE. Bless her time! She loves me real good! I am blessed…

    Take the time to show you care.Take a minute to make a call, send a letter, drop in for a visit. help with a chore.  Someone might just say “Bless your time”.

    I love each and every one of you. Bless your time for reading all I write.

    Juliana

    My mamaw , Winnie Glover Johnson

  • When I was a child….

    When I was a child I spoke as a child. I understood as a child. I thought as a child – an overweight child. And when I became a woman, regardless of my size, I continued to speak, comprehend and think as an overweight person.

    I found this picture last night of myself in 1982. I look at it today and think – wow…I wasn’t huge! But I never felt like anything other than enormous, standing out in the crowd and being stared at for being overweight and homely. BUT – damn it! There wasn’t a damn thing wrong with me. I even had on stylish shoes for Christ sake.

    So I looked closer at more of my pictures that show the roller coaster of sizes through the years. Up and down, round and round. Size 18, 20, 22, 24, 26, 16, 14, 28…..In my mind – they were all out of the norm. Don’t get me wrong – I was never THIN…but I hit average a time or two and didn’t FEEL it. The only thing I felt was exposed. More people noticed me the thinner I got and more people approached me to be social and go to parties and well, honestly it scared the hell out of me. On some levels it offended me that people I had known thru my work industry for years were inviting me to cocktail parties at their homes etc…In rebellion I became almost reclusive. I did not have my weight to protect me so I just hid….and ate and gained back my blanket of fat.

    It is my mission to change my mind set NOW. I will not even wait for the weight to come off. I must heal my mind and my perception of myself for my body to follow. I realize that only through a permanent mind set will I be able to maintain any kind of lifestyle program to achieve a healthier weight.

    I had a heart attack at 36yrs of age. I had weighed nearly 285 when it happened. I dropped 95 lbs while in cardiac rehab combined with dieting over 6 months. I was in a size 16 by the time I was released to full-time work and left to an unmonitored life. In no time at all I began to add back the weight.

    Yep – That is me  on the right. Size 16 and at a swanky gay affair! Maybe not svelte but I had a damn waistline!

    I still felt huge.

    The mind is a powerful thing.  I am redirecting my thought patterns. I am no longer a child. I am a woman and I will speak as a woman who knows and understands herself to be beautiful at any age or size. I will embrace this new understanding with love and I will think with the clarity of this new vision. A vision that was always meant to be mine from the beginning.

    Me size 26/28 (depends on what it is) hanging out with more beautiful women welcoming lil Darsh into the fold.

    I love each and every one of you. I hope you look in the mirror today and see the beauty that I see in you.

    Aghhhh so many women….so little time! 🙂

    Juliana

  • If the world was ending what would you do…..

    I read on the internet this morning that tomorrow, May 21, 2011  is supposed to be the end of time according to some guy who professes to have done extensive studying of the bible and the Rapture. His name…oh who cares. This guy ( nut job) predicts  May 21, 2011, to be Judgment Day. He came to this conclusion  through a series of Bible-based calculations that assume the world will end exactly 7,000 years after Noah’s flood, believers are to be transported up to heaven as a worldwide earthquake strikes. Nonbelievers will endure five months of plagues, quakes, wars, famine and general torment before the planet’s total destruction in October. In 1992 he said the rapture would probably be in 1994, but he now says newer evidence makes the prophesy for this year certain.

    Well, I made it to Sunday school a few times in my day and I could have sworn it said something about “NO MAN WILL KNOW THE DAY”….so….I’m thinking this guy must be a Drag Queen cause they can’t tell time either.

    So, what would you do if you knew the world was ending tomorrow? I called and asked my mom “St. Wanda” this thought provoking question. She calmly replied. “I’d like to be taking a nap but I’ll probably be cutting your daddies toenails.” I love me some Wanda Glynn!!!!

    Here’s the deal. You have a better chance of being hit by a beer truck going home today than being caught up in the Rapture tomorrow. So do what you should be doing everyday anyway. LIVE, LAUGH and LOVE! That way when your time does come…it just won’t matter a bit cause you’ll be good to go on all fronts!

    Live, Laugh, Love

    I love each and ever one of you

    Juliana

  • Before and After….

    I HATE the before and after pictures the weight loss companies post to entice you to lose weight. Weight Watchers wants to see YOUR starting photo as well.

    Aghh, I just could NOT make myself put on a pair of tights and tank top two sizes too small and take my photo in a mirror of myself slouching and frowning like someone out of camera range had bad gas….You know what I’m talking about don’t cha?

    But just for shits and grins I am posting a casual picture of me at work today. You don’t have to see every bump and ripple to tell I am pretty damn heavy. But what should catch your eye most is not my size but the fact that I am comfortable and happy.

    I am not afraid to show you who I am today, yesterday or who I will become tomorrow. I will not hide away from the world till I am “perfect” for you to see and know. I would rather you see the work in progress.

    I have been up and I have been down in more ways than one. But it is the sum total of all my experiences and encounters that have brought me to this place today and it’s a good place to be. So feel free to follow me on my journey. I can only promise it will never be boring…I DO promise never to post full body shots of me in spandex.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Life is Good!