Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Category: LIFE

  • Sparkle, Sparkle Lil’ Rock Star…..

    There comes a time in a girl’s life when she just has to put on her big girl panties and do something she would never think of doing.  You know, one of those things that you don’t even think of trying because of your size, your age or both!

    Well, this weekend was the time. The family reunion was the place. The task at hand? Ride the tube with my crazy ass cousin Dayna down the Colorado River behind a speed boat filled with more cousins just chomping at the bit to see a crazy WIPE OUT!

    My biggest fear was that I wouldn’t be able to get my ass back in the boat after I got in the water. But you know what – I figured we could deal with that when the time came. But at THAT moment I was going to seize the day, dive in and RIDE THE RIDE! ……AND I DID IT!!!!!!!

    Make it back in the boat? YEP! Had to have some help but so did everyone else. I did it. I didn’t let my size intimidate me. I didn’t let my lack of physical conditioning stop me. No offense Neil Armstrong but your “one small step for man” –  doesn’t hold a candle to the step I took on Saturday, June 11, 2011. The cheers from the boat were loud and rowdy. And my friend Kim couldn’t have beamed any brighter at my accomplishment.

    I strutted back to the main house like a prized chicken at the county fair. Jaws dropped right and left as Kim retold the story of my championship ride, how I fell in and got right back on. My poor mother nearly fainted. You see, it is a Johnson trait to freak out and worry about what COULD have happened even though I was standing right in front of her with all my bits and pieces intact! Bless her heart,sweet Wanda, I had to calm her down with hugs and kisses and reassurances that I was just fine. I was more than fine. I was a River Riding ROCK STAR!

    If you are not living on the edge, you’re taking up to much room. I took up way to much room for too long sitting on the sidelines. I will be a bench warmer no longer! This is my summer, this is my year, THIS is my life! I’m claiming back my “Sparkle”.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

  • Cheeseburger in Paradise……

    I’m hitting the road again tonight for BURNET,TEXAS and a lake house on Lake LBJ. The Cheeseburger in Paradise  – Johnson Family Reunion will be in full swing when I get there. There will be plenty of trouble for all of us to get into for the entire weekend and I plan on finding my share.

    Yep – I AM taking my Scooby Snacks with me so I can make sure I stay on track with my Weight Watchers Lifestyle Transformation. But, you can bet your sweet ass I am gonna spend my Points on Saturday on a CHEESEBURGER in Paradise hot off the grill. I wonder how many exchange points there are in Washer Pitch’in?…UNO?….Fish’in? …..Hanging on for dear life on an intertube?….Anyone???…….Anyone??????

    Don’t sweat it! Life is meant to be lived and that is what I am doing. Happier today than I have been in years. Life is good, productive and well, hell,….. just flat out fun these days! My partner in crime for the weekend will be my childhood friend, Kim Luce-Dollar. I think we are old enough that we won’t get in trouble for sneaking out at midnight to go to the lake….but you never know!

    If your aren’t enjoying your life – then you just aren’t living right! I know a few people who have busted their butts to get what they thought they just had to have to make their life perfect. The right person, the right house, the right job. And low and behold – they may have the THINGS or even people, but still find their life is not perfect and certainly not their own. They are a slave to the things they had to have and now have to take care of and pay for. All that work and HAPPINESS still slips right thru their fingers.  That is a HUGE life lesson. What’s the lesson you ask???

    That when you try to force your will on the Universe….The Universe is liable to give you just what you asked for.

    Stop asking for what you see in your narrow view. Ask the Universe to fill your cup with peace, love, guidance and perfect understanding….and watch it overflow.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

  • Better products…..Lower prices…..Farmers Market…

    Okay, so I was never a huge fruit and vegetable consumer. Vegetables were those things I spent money on with every good intention of cooking up something FAB-U-LOUS but most often was left to grow hair in the bottom drawer of my fridge. I’m sure I could have sold that stuff to  Hair Club for Men and made some major dinero. FRUIT?…Looked sooooo pretty in the bowl….on the counter….till it turned brown and hatched a bevy of fruit flies. Meat, cheese and bread were my major food groups. There is nothing better than a big ol’ bologna sammich with cheese!

    But now that I am on Weight Watchers and making a true diligent effort over here to eat right and feel healthier everyday I have started shopping for, you guessed it, FRUIT & VEGGIES.

    Much to my shock and dismay they all but want you to take out a 401K to stroll thru the vegetable department at the local grocery store. Reach for a pretty red, shiny bell pepper….slam on the breaks $1.79 EACH…..Cucumbers? a reasonable $1.00 each (so I think). Peaches and apples $1.79 a lb…don’t blink but some apples and oranges weigh almost a lb each. So, today I went to the Farmers Market on Airline. No, there was no “air-conditioned” comfort,  no guitar player on a stool strumming a John Denver songs (gotta love Kroger’s on a Saturday) and no ORGANIC section. But what I did find was a red bell pepper for $1.95 per pound instead of a  per piece price. My total cost for a red bell pepper $.47 cents. Cucumbers – 3 for a dollar. Big juicy peaches from N. Carolina were .98 cents a lb…Same for Gala Apples and Golden Delicious. These aren’t sale prices they are the every day prices. The quality is so much better and the prices so much more reasonable that I will always make TWO trips when grocery shopping. Farmers Market and that other place…Kroger’s, HEB, Randall’s – whoever has paper towels and toilet paper on sale will get my vote.

    And with all that money I save…I think I’ll spring for the $79.99  classically nostalgic, Bobby Sherman lunch box on eBay I found!

    I love each and every one of you but today I love Bobby Sherman more…….swwoooooonnnnn

    Juliana

  • I don’t need a proclamation…….

    I don’t need a Presidential Proclamation to tell me to be proud of who I am. June has been GAY PRIDE month ever since I came out almost 30 years ago. I’d have to say to the US Government “You’re a little late to the party, Sugar”. I’m sure others see it as “better late than never”. Potatoe – Potato

    The fact remains that we (The GLBT Community) still fight for equality in a country based on the premise of equality. The statement below is the opening paragraph of the Presidential Proclamation posted on http://www.Whitehouse.gov

    BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
    A PROCLAMATION

    “The story of America’s Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender (LGBT) community is the story of our fathers and sons, our mothers and daughters, and our friends and neighbors who continue the task of making our country a more perfect Union. It is a story about the struggle to realize the great American promise that all people can live with dignity and fairness under the law. Each June, we commemorate the courageous individuals who have fought to achieve this promise for LGBT Americans, and we rededicate ourselves to the pursuit of equal rights for all, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity.”

    I don’t think we need a statement or platform to be PROUD. We climbed the biggest mountains just coming out to Family, Friends and Colleagues and embracing who we are as individuals. That is something to be PROUD of. I would rather – if there had to be a STATEMENT made by the Gov’t that it be focused more on AWARENESS. Awareness of the on-going struggle for equality in housing, child rearing, spousal rights, job security and benefits. Expand the AWARENESS of persecution of CHILDREN in public schools who are so young they may not even be aware of their sexual identity but their mannerisms make them targets for bullying and many Teachers and Principals turn a blind eye. Suicide is on the rise in gay, lesbian and transgendered children. It is so heart breaking that a child in America can’t go to school and be nurtured, protected and encouraged to be just who God made them to be. Complaints from parents have fallen on deaf ears in administrations across the country. The focus goes back on the child victim instead of the abusers. Tell your son not to “act” so gay. Tell your child to dress less conspicuously…in essence – Tell YOUR child to be ashamed of who they are and keep their head low or risk the fallout. The bully is rarely if EVER removed from the school, much less reprimanded in anyway. If these kids can’t be safe in the classroom then they will cease going to class.They become the throw away children of society. They have the biggest mountain to climb to get back to a place where they can love themselves and be proud of who they are.

    Everyone should be proud of who they are, gay-straight, black – white, fat – thin, white collar or blue collar. Expand your mind and be aware that there are differences all around us. We are all equal in the eyes of the Universe.  Is it too much to be equal in yours?

    Make someone else AWARE…..repost or share this post with as many as you like.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Staying on track…..

    We moved to Conroe, Texas when I was 5 years old. I can still remember the address, 206 South First Street, just across from the county hospital and only a few blocks from the railroad tracks. I listened to the whistle blow and the clacking of the cars on the tracks many a night.

    During the day, the tracks were our playground and our boundary. “Don’t go past the tracks”…Yes Mame….I always said “yes Mame”…..and then I went about crossing the tracks back and forth and around the corner on my blue, banana seat bicycle with streamers out the handles. I just figured –  It wasn’t like she was gonna come looking for me. So off to the tracks we would go. We took turns putting our ear to the track listening for the coming trains just like we saw in the old west movies. We’d put pennies on the rails and sat hoping for a passing train to flatten them as thin as paper. I loved gathering the big, fat juicy blackberries that grew along the tracks every summer. We ate tons and occasionally we made it back to the house before dark for mom to make a cobbler.

    Tracks…such a powerful symbol. Always going somewhere leading you towards the next station.

    I came back from a vacation weekend last night and though I hadn’t lost any additional weight, I hadn’t gained any either. I kept telling myself all day today. You gotta stay on track. Focus, Focus, Focus….chug, chug, chug….every penny I flatten is a pound behind me.

    Motivating yourself is key to making progress. It’s something you have to renew everyday. If you allow yourself to get derailed you’ll just sit in a side yard forever. I’m staying on track and I’m moving on down the line….Choooo…Choooo.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    See Ya!

     

  • Ready…Aim…Fire….

    The call of the military! How appropriate on this Memorial Day weekend. Thank God that there were those who fought for us so that we could act like ridicules beach brats and launch water balloons from the deck at the rest of the kids playing on the beach.

    The sacrifice has not been lost on the young adults. Big Bob has had them raise and lower the The American flag each day. He reminds them on the proper way to fold the flag and how to handle it. The wind is blowing 15 to 20 knots. We will fly it everyday and if it rips – we will burn it properly before we leave.

    It’s important to enjoy your family and friends. It’s important to remember why you have these days to do it.

    I believe we are all where we’re suppose to be tonight.And hanging with the ones that we should be with. Life is an experience. Good, bad or indifferent. If you think you should be somewhere else or with someone else. Just ask the Universe what it is you should learn today.

    You might be surprised how right on target the answer is. Happy Memorial Day!

    I love each and everyone of you

    Juliana

  • The view from here….

    Memorial Weekend 2011

    Surfside, Texas never looked so good. This is myview for the next three days. Straight shot to the water…but I’ll probably spend more time on the porch keeping Lori and Big Bob’s drinks filled and chilled and let the young pups frolic in the muck and seaweed at the beach.

    If you can’t run with the big dogs then stay on the porch. That’s what I’m talking about! You are never too old for a kiddie pool on the deck filled with clean water right next to the bathroom and Fridge. It works real good for me.

    We are raising the flag tomorrow over the deck in honor of Memorial Day. It’s good to spend it with friends.

    All the young folks have brought drums and guitars and beach toys galore. It’s good to be me today.

    I love each and everyone of you

    Be safe

    Juliana

  • FLY AWAY…..

    Today was a strange day and maybe I was just feeling the vibes in the earth but I felt the scars on my heart today. It was a feeling I couldn’t shake till just an hour or so ago.

    Emotions welled in me and I missed the one I had held most dear but that is no longer in my life. At some point “feeling” all this just pissed me off.

    I had started the day knowing my dearest friend Lori’s dad was in the hospital and they said by days end he needed a quadruple heart by-pass but was in no shape to tolerate the surgery. His heart was so tired. I said my prayers for Giles Henry throughout the day as I drove from task to task. I prayed for the Doctors to find the right solution.

    I went on to an event today and was pulled aside. “Had I heard the news?”  – What news?” –  I expected industry gossip but instead was told in the lowest of hushed tones that the fabulous Houston Songtress Yvonne Washington had suffered a heart attack and was scheduled for by-pass surgery tomorrow morning at Methodist Hospital. My own heart sank as she and I had just discussed the signs of a woman’s heart attack as we sat backstage at a gala two weeks ago. She will miss her daughter’s wedding this Saturday and that will break her heart all over again. I said my prayers again as I made my way to my next stop.

    The work continued, the day continued and so did this feeling of heartbreak in my heart.

    I checked my phone during the event tonight searching for an update on Giles Henry and I saw instead a post on Facebook. A dear high school friends mom had passed away back in our hometown of Conroe. She died at home surrounded by two of her children.Brent did not get there in time.

    When the body is frail the heart just stops. And she, like a dove  – flew away as her son drove down the highway listening to track 11 FLY AWAY. He heard a new message in the song he had heard many times before.  he was grateful for the music written by a friend that helped him cope with the loss. And he took the time to tell him so from the side of the road.

    Hearts were breaking all around me today. Figuratively and literally. My heart had been broken for years, inside and out . Physically and emotionally I had run my heart thru a ringer in the past few years and yet I survived on each level. Somehow, I was reborn. Yes figuratively and literally.

    Today reminded where I had been. I risked my heart. I experienced an incredible love that did not last. My heart is scarred but not broken. I saw a glimpse of what could and should be. I risked my health again and again. My heart nearly threw in the towel for us both. But instead, has forgiven me and beats stronger today than it has in years. There is not a lot of reason behind why I have survived three hearts attacks and Congestive Heart Failure. I have to believe that God’s just not done with me yet and that my heart has not experienced the greatest of moments that he still has planned for me. I appreciate where I have been and even more, where I am going.

    So tonight, I pray for the hearts that are ailing and the hearts that are hurting. I pray for the daughter who sits by her father’s bedside holding his hand and saying ‘It’s gonna be okay Giles Henry”, I pray for the mother who worries most about missing her Daughter’s biggest day. And I pray for the son who with a heavy heart listened in his car to track 11 FLY AWAY and found comfort in his moms passing in the words of a song.

    I love each and every one of you.

    And today I love a beautiful girl, Lori, Yvonne, Giles Henry and Brent just a little bit more. I hope you don’t mind.

    Juliana

  • When I was a child….

    When I was a child I spoke as a child. I understood as a child. I thought as a child – an overweight child. And when I became a woman, regardless of my size, I continued to speak, comprehend and think as an overweight person.

    I found this picture last night of myself in 1982. I look at it today and think – wow…I wasn’t huge! But I never felt like anything other than enormous, standing out in the crowd and being stared at for being overweight and homely. BUT – damn it! There wasn’t a damn thing wrong with me. I even had on stylish shoes for Christ sake.

    So I looked closer at more of my pictures that show the roller coaster of sizes through the years. Up and down, round and round. Size 18, 20, 22, 24, 26, 16, 14, 28…..In my mind – they were all out of the norm. Don’t get me wrong – I was never THIN…but I hit average a time or two and didn’t FEEL it. The only thing I felt was exposed. More people noticed me the thinner I got and more people approached me to be social and go to parties and well, honestly it scared the hell out of me. On some levels it offended me that people I had known thru my work industry for years were inviting me to cocktail parties at their homes etc…In rebellion I became almost reclusive. I did not have my weight to protect me so I just hid….and ate and gained back my blanket of fat.

    It is my mission to change my mind set NOW. I will not even wait for the weight to come off. I must heal my mind and my perception of myself for my body to follow. I realize that only through a permanent mind set will I be able to maintain any kind of lifestyle program to achieve a healthier weight.

    I had a heart attack at 36yrs of age. I had weighed nearly 285 when it happened. I dropped 95 lbs while in cardiac rehab combined with dieting over 6 months. I was in a size 16 by the time I was released to full-time work and left to an unmonitored life. In no time at all I began to add back the weight.

    Yep – That is me  on the right. Size 16 and at a swanky gay affair! Maybe not svelte but I had a damn waistline!

    I still felt huge.

    The mind is a powerful thing.  I am redirecting my thought patterns. I am no longer a child. I am a woman and I will speak as a woman who knows and understands herself to be beautiful at any age or size. I will embrace this new understanding with love and I will think with the clarity of this new vision. A vision that was always meant to be mine from the beginning.

    Me size 26/28 (depends on what it is) hanging out with more beautiful women welcoming lil Darsh into the fold.

    I love each and every one of you. I hope you look in the mirror today and see the beauty that I see in you.

    Aghhhh so many women….so little time! 🙂

    Juliana

  • After the Rapture…..

    I’m still here. Are you still here? …..Thought so.

    I got up and took my ipod to the pool this morning to relax and soak up some sun. It was early and I had the entire pool deck to myself. It was quite except for the sound of a breeze rustling through the palm tree tops. I happily soaked in the serenity of the moment and smiled inside and out. It dawned on me that there were actually people in the world who would be sad today that they were still living and not swept up to the heavens on Saturday. Many had given up jobs and spent life savings, stood in airports and on street corners warning people the end was near. Now, the day after, they are faced with the weight of an enormous question. WHAT NEXT?

    In good southern style I thought to myself …….”Bless their hearts”.

    I started rustling  thru my bag. I had haphazardly grabbed a random bag from the closet and tossed in the usual. A towel, 50 factor sunscreen for babies (I’m delicate – damnit), iPod, and bottled water. As I dug around I found a loose piece of paper and pulled it out to see what it was. It was a funeral program left over from a friends father’s passing. It had been in there for nearly two years. I read it cover to cover and studied the pictures on each page. Youth, Parents, Children, Family…all that goes with living.

    That was it – THE KEY…The answer to the HUGE question hanging over these poor peoples heads……it was simple and right in front of them….LIFE. Life is what is next.

    This man lived it. He didn’t hide from it, he didn’t fear it and he didn’t spend his life savings focusing on the end of it. So many of these doomsday people are so focused on how and when they will die or transition to the other side of life that they FORGET TO LIVE. They are so shackled in fear that they can’t …LIVE. Bless their hearts again.

    I want you to try something. A mental exercise of sorts. Most of us aren’t doomsday fanatics but we do shackle and bind our hearts with fear. Fear of many things, rejection, being hurt, being betrayed…And most of those things when reduced to their core mean LOVE and ACCEPTANCE.

    So many have locked away their hearts in an attempt to live a more protected and safe life. Stop it! Unchain your heart. Open it and let love and life’s energy flow from you so that it may return to you. Think about this. How many “Friends” do you have just on FACEBOOK. If you opened up your heart and just let it flow out to those people…it would cost you nothing . Imagine if each of those people did the same for you and think of all the love that would come back to you. 100 fold…200 fold…500 fold…? How many friends do you have??? 1000?

    Don’t be afraid to live your life. Don’t spend your time protecting yourself from the pitfalls of life – you’ll miss life altogether. Love who and where you are. Enjoy THIS moment. Live THIS time in your life. Ride the ride. You are loved by so many. Most people don’t realize how loved they are till they lose it. So choose to see it in all aspects of your life. Open your heart. There is no time BUT the present.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana