Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Category: LIFE

  • Traveling Light…..

    Denver Jenkins Wathen Jr. left this world September 15, 2011 at 3:55pm the same way he came into it March 22, 1931, surrounded by family.

    It was not the ending any of us would have predicted, but one I think none of us would ever trade.

    I have learned more about my father in the last few weeks than he ever cared to tell me in all my 48 yrs. I’ve looked thru his records, a disintegrating birth certificate, diplomas, military discharge papers, divorce decrees and  every picture I could find. I peeled back the layers of wrapping paper and found a person in the center of the box.

    He was not perfect, just human. Subject to all the hazards and consequences we all must face through life. I was able to see the things that jaded him and the circumstances that made him shy away from being the husband and father we wished he could have been.

    None of us will ever know the real Denver, what he thought or what he felt.  But I think I got as close as I was ever meant to these final days.

    God wanted me to SEE him as  a fellow human being. Just a person who filled his bag with life experiences and at the end had to stand at the dock and empty that bag piece by piece, re-examining each experience  till the only thing left in the bottom of the bag was the coin for the Ferryman.

    Today he set his burdens down and tonight he is traveling light once again.

     

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

     

     

     

  • Snapshot…..

    Healing does not mean going back to the way things were before. Healing means being able to allow yourself to live and move forward with who and what you are today at this very moment.

    SO many times in life we want to go back and heal a situation to restore it to its former glory, a marriage, a dear friendship or even a career. We want to put the pieces back like they were and complete the puzzle. We want that reward, that moment of accomplishment when you lay down the last piece and see that SNAPSHOT  of life one more time in our hands. But you can’t turn back the hands of time. Yesterday has already come and gone and the wound is already there. If you spend all your energy trying to recreate that same moment you will likely find some pieces are missing. Some were scattered on the floor, swept up and thrown away. The ones you can find are misshapen and no longer complete the same image. Healing means moving forward from the experience and building a new snapshot. A new image of what your life looks like today.

    I am not saying that love and talent can’t be restored. I am saying that it must be built anew. And that can only happen when you are ready to heal and move forward without the judgement and fear that left you wounded to begin with.

    The present is the most powerful time in your life. And what you do with it is the most important thing you can focus your energy on.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    **Remember – If you LIKE it – Feel free to SHARE it!

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Skinny-Dipping…..

    And now ladies and gentlemen, the MILLION DOLLAR QUESTION. Can FAT people SKINNY dip ? HELL YES!

    There is a HUGE misconception that overweight people CAN’T do a lot of things that everyone else can. Now granted, I personally can’t run a marathon but Kelly Gneiting, an ex-sumo wrestler who weighs 400 lbs ran one this year in California.

    The OTHER huge misconception is that overweight people are unintelligent. That if they can’t manage something as simple as their diet then they are asking to be the “go to” punch line. Society has more compassion for alcoholics, smokers, anorexics and drug addicts than they do anyone overweight. And when the opportunity presents itself – a mob mentality can take hold.

    Recently, I saw a photo of a political protest and the man was carrying a sign which had two misspelled words on it. It was posted on a website for the opposition. First the critiques were on his spelling. Then the nasty came out. Comments were made by viewers almost immediately. “No wonder he can’t spell – look how fat he is”. REALLY???? I thought to myself…and then I kept reading, the feeding frenzy continued… “Look at the muffin top on the one in front of him” they remarked about one woman..”Figures, they’re all overweight and stupid – no wonder they can’t read the constitution” chimed another. The flash “FAT” mob was in full force. A protest on Unconstitutional Legislation was reduced in 58 posts to tasteless and rude commentaries on a persons physical appearance.

    I was blown away. And PISSED. WHY was this happening? The jabs and jokes continued throughout the thread. I was absolutely dumb founded that no one made an attempt to keep the discussion on point.

    To say I hate what politics has become in America is an understatement. Civilized debates about issues that directly affect our country have taken LAST place to insults and personal jabs at differences that define us as HUMAN. The media, PR firms and campaign coordinators make a point to set their sights on everything from religious differences to hair styles, regional drawl to summer jobs when they were 16 but mostly – how they look. ARE THEY PRESIDENTIAL? DO THEY HAVE THE LOOK?

    64% of adults in America are classified as overweight and 34% are considered OBESE. The only thing that can keep an overweight person from learning is trying to learn in a hostel and vicious environment, and even then we persist. Just ask OPRAH. Grow up people! If you want to argue POLITICS be informed about the issues. If the basis of your argument is “you win because you’re thin”…then don’t count on getting a lot of votes come election time cause I have serious concerns about YOUR IQ.

    I’m gonna go skinny dipping now!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Love me , Love me not…..

    I love treats. All kinds of treats. I am treated on occasion to a  glimpse of a beautiful woman. One I know well, quite intimately in fact.   I don’t see her everyday. In fact, seeing her is as unpredictable as winning the Lottery. But it happens, when I least expect it. But always when I need it most.

    It took me a long time to get to know her. But I invested the time. I thought it would be worth the effort. Uncertain of my intentions, I was held at bay for a while. Which was to be expected. But not too terribly long as we had much in common. People, places and things. Common bridges to common destinations.

    She is strong. Do not doubt that, but so soft I think she might melt away some day. Her voice rings in  my ear and whispers encouraging words from a distance place. And I listen….intently. Soaking up all I can of the unseen energy.

    She told me her secrets and seems to know mine. She sees my potential and reminds me I deserve all life has to offer. She knows the answers before I ever ask the questions. She even said I was beautiful. Oh how I would like to believe that.

    It’s hard to always trust. To believe what you hear.

    The children’s rhyme chimes in. “She loves me, She loves me not, She loves me, She loves me not”….plucking petals from a flower I know the answer before the last petal falls. It took me a long time to find her. To love her  unconditionally. She is smart and witty, talented and beautiful, tender and loving. Does she love me? She does. How do I know?  Because she… is me.

    Loving others completely comes only when you can honestly love yourself.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Cheerleader in my pocket…..

    Are you ready for some FOOTBALL???? Oh yeah….me too! I’m ready for all the hoopla and holler’in! I’m ready for pre-game parties on Sunday and the Bloody Mary bar on the club level at Reliant Stadium right on the fifty yard line. I’m ready for Monday Night Mayhem and over loaded Scooby Snack trays!

    Just when I was making my snack list today and checking the budget….BAMM….Weight Watchers snatches $17.95 out of my bank account. Yea, yea yea, automatic draft is a wonderful thing. I hadn’t logged my points in a few weeks and was thinking…aghh I got this…which I didn’t but it didn’t seem like anyone was noticing. Suddenly, out of the blue, I get a cheerleader in my corner helping themselves to my money and saying “Come on , you can do it”…and chanting, “You’re Number 1, You’re Number 1”.  Well, she has a point. They don’t call it Weight WATCHERS for nothing I guess. Someone is always looking out for me. Weight Watchers Point Plus System – That’s a first down and home team has the ball. I’ll try not to fumble.

    I needed my girls this morning when I had to take my car to the dealership. A long list of possible repairs and a nervous stomach was bearing down on me. Zoom-Zoom had some major rattling under the hood. Secondly, she ROARED when I drove and that had nothing to do with the ZOOM or the recall…Oh but Allan, my Mazda cheerleader who had on a less than inspiring outfit said not to worry. Turns out the rattle was a battery cable cover, the “ROAR” was uneven wear on my tires, an unseen faulty tire indicator was the hail Mary that gave me the free loaner car cause it was covered under the extended warranty. All in all….a $50.00 diagnostic. GO MAZDA! That’s another FIRST DOWN!

    Half-time injury report puts my father coming out of the hospital tonight and being sent back home with hospice care starting tomorrow morning. They offered up a pace-maker this weekend but we all said, “No, Thank You”.  Wanda will have help now and they will be more comfortable at home. The game clock is winding down.

    I got back in the game today at work and rolled thru some contracts. It’s good to be busy and have a routine. I never know what my days will look like from one to the next. But I do know I have plenty of things to look forward to.

    Not all cheerleaders are easy to pick out of the crowd. Some are subtle and unseen. No pom-poms. No ultra cool boots, spray on tans or make up by a she-she salon. Aghhhhh…but they cheer me on from the sidelines everyday. They make the game….Just saying!

    I love each and every one of you

    PS….Texans beat the Jets! Thanks Monday Night Football!

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Snickers and God…..

    Being an adult is not a CHOICE…it is a status, a place on the timeline of life. By definition: somebody who has reached the age of legal majority, generally 18 years of age in the United States

    Now, just because you are an adult doesn’t make you mature or responsible. All that comes from experience, practice and pure intent. Sometimes I choose to be a kid, foot loose and fancy free. I wear PJ’s with cartoon characters on them and pink fuzzy socks. I carry a Bobby Sherman lunch box from the 1970’s to work and tell inappropriate jokes when laughing out loud is even less appropriate. I play with rubber ducks in the bathtub and swear chocolate milk tastes better when sucked through a silly straw. I love to brag about eating a yummie frozen Snickers Peanut Butter Sq. to my FACEBOOK friends while watching my favorite TV show. But there comes a day when you have to grow up, even if just for a day. That can always be a challenge.

    I knew a woman who always said when she needed to change her frame of mind or situation that she was “Ripping off the band-aide”. It’s drastic and sudden and supposed to get the pain over and done with as soon as possible. That’s how she “broke thru to the other side”. That’s exactly what it feels like to set aside your childhood, rip it off  like a band-aide and walk into a hospital room of a dying man that’s supposed to be your father and be the adult in the room.

    Many people see the final days of a parent’s life as a time to make peace. A time to make amends before it’s too late. There’s a chance to say your goodbyes and you’re sorry. How you should have done better or just be there to give them the chance to do the same.  I’ve learned the hard way that there is no making peace with my father. Only making peace ABOUT him in my own mind and heart. There is nothing he can give me or any of us at this point. These final days for me are about compassion. Whether he realizes it or not, I am there as much as I can be. My concerns are simple. I have compassion for his comfort and that he not suffer if we can prevent it.

    The closer he gets to dying the uglier his tone and comments get. It can test the compassion of even a saint. Somehow, the comments and barbs don’t cut near as deep or sting near as long as they once did. He’s angry, scared, weak and confused. He is no longer the adult in control and I am no longer a little girl stung by his opinion. We will all get through this.

    God has a plan and a system. I am who I am in part because of my father. So whether it was good, bad or indifferent it really doesn’t matter. I’m okay with how I turned out. I know that God’s plan doesn’t allow all that ugly to pass thru to the other side. My father will forget what he was scared of and who he was mad at, who he hurt and where he fell short. He will find his peace on the other side.  And when all is said and done I will make my peace here. I will return to being footloose and fancy free. I will find moments to be a kid again. God and I will share a joke, a frozen Snickers and point out all the tall blondes with tans that pass by. Cause that’s what God and I do. We muddle. Sometimes we muddle together side by side and other times he throws me on the nearest Home Depot flat-bed cart and pulls me along for the ride. We still get there together. I am never alone. Snickers and God. It’s a good combination.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

     

     

     

     

  • Strike a Match…..

    Darkness is defined as the absence of LIGHT. Conflict comes when you bump into all the unknown in the dark and you fight for your space and your security. When a match is struck even in the darkest corner it can give us the ability to see what lies around us. We find out that what we bumped into was a chair, a door or even another person just like ourselves lost in the dark.  Darkness exists no longer when the smallest candle is lit. Be a light where ever you go today. It’s not just for you but for the people around you who need help seeing things just a bit clearer. The more I can see, the more people can see me and the more they can see themselves in me! So goes the life of the messenger.

    I’m headed once more to the hospital with my father. Light a candle for us all.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

  • Dancing with my pillow……

    Remember when you were a kid and you had a record player?…Ha, yeah I know – waaaayyyyy back when. Well, I had a flip top portable that played 45 records and I, like many others, had a few favorite records that skipped. The same phrase would play again and again and again. So to keep that from happening and from interrupting my dancing on the bed,  I would scotch tape a penny to the needle. It weighed it down just enough to slide right through the scratch. Oh, it was high technology for the time but it worked like a charm.

    Life lessons aren’t quite so conspicuous but they do repeat again and again until we finally recognize them and find a way to add weight to the matter and get to the end of the song. Sometimes it takes years but if you have a desire to move forward you will begin to see the common note that plays through the harshest moments of our lives. Isolate the emotional reaction that makes you feel so frustrated, unloved or unworthy and determine when you first experienced it.You might be amazed how bad your record has been skipping.

    Once upon a time there was a beautiful little girl who just knew she was the apple of her father’s eye. She loved to sing and dance and enjoyed the carefree nature of childhood. She was too young to understand the complexity of marriage and relationships and was dumbfounded when her father moved out one day……and left her behind with her mother. It’s something men have been doing for years. It was nothing new. Anyone in the 70’s would tell you children are better off with their mothers. So, it was typical of the time. But she felt confused, abandoned and she felt left behind like she didn’t matter. She wanted to go with her father. She needed to be with her father. No one asked her what SHE wanted. She WANTED to matter. She spends her youth fighting her way to stay present and connected in her father’s life. Like many fathers he was bigger than life and she needed him to be present in hers.

    She will fight the same fight, to hold on to what is hers and to matter, again and again. As an adult, an unfaithful spouse proves himself unworthy of the marriage but she will fight to keep him. She will fight to matter. It becomes imperative to win. To prove, that as an adult, she has more influence and control over the final outcome in her life.  But she can’t win when she can’t trust. No one can win back  love when all they fight for is the mere presence. That presence becomes a toxic reminder of what they have already lost.

    The pattern will repeat again and again. Always pushing away love that comes too easily and drawing in and attracting those that won’t or can’t  give 100%. She will be surrounded by lovers and friends that aren’t PRESENT in the relationship. She will fight tooth and nail to prove she is needed. She will fight to be loved. She will do battle to keep the world at bay to keep the people she loves present and close to her. Eventually, The life she leads will not be her own. It has become all about the fight and not the life…fight and not the life…fight and not the life.

    But all is not lost. One day she  hears the record skip and realizes she has been singing the same phrase over and over and over again. She knows what to do. She pulls a penny from a jar and tape from a drawer and mounts that penny on the needle top. She plays the record and listens as it plays straight through this time to the end of the song. She breathes a sigh of relief  and let’s go of the song she had been singing for years. She realizes she matters most to the one that is most important and the most present, herself. The beautiful girl in the mirror she sees everyday is the one that matters.

    NOW she is ready for a new vinyl record!  There is a song in her heart, a new beat to dance to that will fill her with all the joy and delight of a little girl jumping on her bed, singing into her hairbrush and dancing with her pillow.

    Life lessons are meant to come full circle. Where they start and where they end is often the same place. We allow ourselves to be defined by the skips in between.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Love Spell…..

    I admit. It ain’t easy being me. LIFE is simple, it’s just not always easy. And there in lies the rub. I’m not talking about the annoying RUB that happens when you forget to wear your bicycle shorts under your skirt either. You know what I am talking about, some of us have issues. Especially in this 110 degree heat. A big girl’s rubenesque thighs, when darting to the BOGO at Lane Bryant, can rub together with enough friction and force to set off a small forest fire for sure. And HELLO….haven’t you heard? There is a BURN BAN. Yet another reason to tend to your bits and pieces and keep your yard work done! Just saying!

    Oh, sorry…my thighs took me off track.

    LIFE is simple. Change is SIMPLE. Neither is EASY.  WTF?  Right?

    Example #1: I AM NOT A HOARDER! But why do I find it so hard to bag up a whole entire drawer of belts that I never wear, that do not fit and even if they did I wouldn’t wear. Some are extra cheap and came with outfits, some I bought during my “Cowgirl” stage and some I’m sure are leftovers discarded and left behind by more than one ex-lover…It’s SIMPLE – Bag and tag. DONATE.

    Example #2: I have a bottle of LOVE SPELL from Victoria Secret that my ex-lover gave me when we were dating, you know…that whole “spray this on your pillow and think of me” bit. I’m not too proud to say I did just that on more than one occasion but since we are no longer together and haven’t been for more than a year it just seemed cheesy. It sat on my dresser for ever….then I dared to actually wear it myself cause I do really like the way it smelled. And yes…I did worry that someone would NOTICE that I smelled like HER and look at me like I had two heads. Of course that never happened. Today, I used the last of it and should have just tossed the bottle….but….but….but…..I couldn’t do it. Sounds pretty SIMPLE though right? Throw it away! It’s not like I collect empty containers…shampoo and mouthwash bottles do not line my driveway! And it’s not like she’s going to come back some day and want to know where her toothbrush, belt and body splash went!  I know without a doubt that I won’t ever buy LOVE SPELL body splash for myself. Though the thought of going into a Victoria Secret store at the mall and watching the sales girl’s face fall when I walk in to SHOP is pretty priceless since nothing in the store could cover my left tit. I KNOW: Bag it – tag it – toss it.

    Example #3: I already know that if I take the time to pack all my Scooby Snacks and eat properly every day that I FEEL better. I know that it is important to keep up with all my medications for this and that. I know I need to exercise to keep ahead of the game as much as possible. I know that I’m on a short leash here….but I still find it hard to make the TIME to make it important. The simple thing is TIME already exists. It’s not something I have to make up. The program is easy. The process is easy. The time is there. Why is it when you put it all together it just seems so difficult? Bag it – tag it and pack it up!

    Having the perception that ANY of these things is HARD is a conscious choice on my part and a battle that I have created within myself. Change is simple -just let go.  Life is simple….be the change you want to see in the world. Don’t wait for the world to change to join the ride or you will most certainly miss the party!

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

  • Prayers and Angels…..

    It is in the half clouded moments before I awake, in the morning hours before dawn, that I see things the clearest with my minds eye. I have a deep rooted sense of calm. I know firmly who I am. I have no fear or trepidation. I don’t know want or lack. I don’t feel the need to look around me, forward or back. The urgency of the world is not just held at bay…it does not exist.

    It is here that I feel you, above me, below me, beside me and behind me. I feel the arms of a thousand angels wrap me in a soft warm blanket of serenity. And I know that I am loved, held in the balance of so many hands. Whispers fill my ear and flow directly to my heart like life’s blood. I know who you are. I know why you are and it is good.

    Prayers and angels I send back to you. Thanks for the loaner.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen