Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Category: LIFE

  • Keep the good times coming…..

    I know…I know, where the hell have I been? Well, I’ve been living life. What you been do’in?

    I hope you haven’t been waiting on me….or

    Waiting on the RIGHT time to do something…..or, for the RIGHT person to do it with…..or

    The RIGHT moment to do whatever the hell you THINK is gonna make you happy.

    TIME is endless…our time here is not.

    It has been a year since my father passed away. On the one year anniversary of his passing my sweet mother asked if I thought his life was as happy as he wanted.  I replied, “Is anybodies?”

    It made me think for a while about his life. And I thought   “NO” …Though he always seemed to do what he wanted, when he wanted….I don’t believe it was as happy a life as he would have liked.

    It made me think even more .Who is responsible for what we get out of life? The answer was as obvious as the dirty clothes piled on my bedroom floor.  We are….. I am.  So, I am taking ownership of my happiness. I am taking responsibility for my life and it’s outcome.

    LIFE is too short to wait.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright Juliana Wathen 2013

  • The Goldilocks Complex…..

    I must admit. I have lived my life settling for many things that didn’t fit. I have a history of being overly agreeable. I would just deal with what was handed me and go with the flow.

    I wasn’t one to complain if things were too hot or cold, too big or too small, too short or too tall. I settled in life and love.

    In hindsight, I see that I was just glad to have something rather than nothing at all. What I should have done was continue to do just what Goldilocks did…..look for what was JUST RIGHT.

    I’m ready to find the “JUST RIGHT” moments in my life. To do that, I have to be willing to crawl out of the bed that is too short no matter how accustomed to it I have become and put my feet on the floor. It’s time to point my feet towards the door and walk thru it.

    I have 8 days of healthy eating under my belt. I deserve to feel “JUST RIGHT” about losing weight and being healthy.

    I have worked hard this past year to find that “JUST RIGHT” spot in my core and make peace with myself for all the times that I have “SETTLED” in the past.

    What I have discovered is that the more I allow myself to experience those “JUST RIGHT” moments the more I am inclined to pass up the ones that don’t completely fit.

    Everyone deserves to be comfortable in their own skin and happy. You just have to claim it. And sometimes THAT, in itself, can make you feel uncomfortable when you struggle with self worth. The only one keeping you from realizing your own worth ….is you.

    I want what Goldilocks wants. From now on, I will settle for nothing less than “JUST RIGHT” in life and love. Don’t you settle either.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2012 Juliana Wathen

  • The Guarded Heart…..

    Yes….Valentines Day is quickly approaching or as one smug son of a bitch so eloquently dubbed it,  “Singles Awareness Day”.

    Some of us are single by choice and others by circumstance but there are many people out there that go to great lengths and extreme measures to GUARD their heart.  They have made a conscious decision to shield themselves in an attempt to thwart off  pain, disappointment, abandonment or betrayal. In their eyes they are protecting themselves from further damage and shoring up their most vulnerable bits and pieces. They are taking control and defending their territory in an attempt to stay SAFE.

    The reality is…SAFE is a lonely place. You not only shield yourself from pain but from LOVE as well. Nothing can penetrate that reinforced skin. Love is something that has to flow. The more you allow it to flow into your heart the more it is able to flow from you. To experience love, You have to share it.

    This Valentine’s Day, rethink that emotional chastity belt. Be open to love and love all you can.

    I LOVE each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2012 Juliana Wathen

     

  • Unwrap it but save the bow…..

    It’s Christmas Day and that means the end of the year is creeping closer and closer and 2011 will be coming to an end.

    I set out 12 months ago to “HAVE THE BEST YEAR EVER” and despite the ups and downs of day to day life and the passing of family and friends, I have to say that it was indeed the best year ever.

    You can’t measure life lessons with a stick or a scale but by the fact that you made it to the other side and can look over your shoulder and see that there is a finish line behind you.

    Make no mistake. The game of life is not over – you just “leveled up”.

    THE END is just a New Beginning.

    Look forward to the life lessons that will come your way in 2012. Live in the moment and enjoy the ride. Your life is just that, YOURS. Create it to the best of your ability knowing that you are limitless in your divine power to create and adjust according to your needs.

    Life is a gift. Stop shaking the box and unwrap it today.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

  • Find your STAGE DOOR and open it…..

    Well, you may have wondered what the hell happened to me. I have been absent for a while. But, have no fear, I am alive, well and living in America.

    Swamped by the crush of the holiday season at work and at home I have been running mach 90 with my hair on fire these last few months. And now I sit here in the still of  Christmas Eve morn with a cup of coffee and a few world-famous,Franklin Hollenbeck lemon squares that came special delivery all the way from Hell’s Kitchen in New York City. The US Postal Service has served me well.

    I am in the final throws of script prep for NAME IN LIGHTS….which opens in 11 days. Just a little cabaret to start off 2012. Like the sign says, “Find your STAGE DOOR and open it”.

    How ironic I would be given this plague for Christmas because that is just what I am doing. Finding my STAGE DOOR. Finding my purpose. How do you get to be damn near 49 yrs old and not know your purpose. (that’s a statement – not a question)

    HOW? or is it a WHAT?….cause, are we really looking for a purpose or are we looking for HAPPINESS? Can you find one without the other?

    When I was 5 or 6 yrs old I saw The Wizard of OZ and Dorothy told me that “IT” was “OVER THERE’”….just a step beyond the rain……Over the Rainbow. And somehow, it has felt that way for almost all my life since.

    But I have come to realize in 2011 that “IT” was there all the time. And even though I opted to wear comfortable shoes instead of ruby slippers I was just three heal clicks away from understanding that “I” was home.

    HOME is learning to be comfortable in your own skin and accepting who you are. If you aren’t comfortable with some piece or part of that then it’s time to do some house cleaning . Don’t bother calling in a maid service, you’ll need to tidy up this mess all on your own.

    Okay – I got work to do. You all have a Happy Holiday.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Set Sail…..

    There will come a day when I will go unseen and unknown. No forwarding address, no email or phone number.  It is the fate of all that have come before me and the waiting legacy of all who come after me. Few have the chance to choose the when, where or how. And no one can predict who will be there to hold our hand or if we will even get that final goodbye. If you have lived your life honestly and shared your love with all those that mattered along the way then when, where and with whom won’t matter. There will be no words left unspoken and no amends left unmade.

    Life is meant to be lived. Live it to the fullest.

    Life is meant to be loved. Find your passion.

    Life is meant to be shared. Keep the doors to your heart open.

    Life is simple – people are complicated, love makes it all worth while.

    When my days on earth are through set my ashes adrift on the waves between the islands of Molokai and Maui.

    Take the sailboat out of Lahaina Harbor and let the hum of the engine take you to the edge of the land mass. Cut the engine and have faith. The trade winds will whip around the end of the island and fill your sails. The boat will pitch to the side and you will find yourself moving with a purpose, sailing across the most incredible blue water you have ever seen with a grace you have never experienced before.

    This is where I will be. There, with spinner dolphins and hump back whales, filled sails and a setting sun. This is life…this is love… THIS is where you will find me.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

     

     

  • What’s a girl to do?…..

    I never, ever get a cold. EVER!!!    But this morning?

    Aching, sneezing, stuffy head, soar throat. WTF?

    My mother assured me it was all mental. A stress reaction to finding out my health insurance provider had dumped me three days ago without telling me. Lovely.

    They …(shhhhh.. .United Healthcare) had told me in July that at the end of my COBRA I would be able to convert to an Individual Policy. Sounded too good to be true…and it was. Nooooooo…They COULD convert it but they WON’T. And in some states they HAVE to convert it by law…Not Texas. Little something she neglected to mention.

    So, here I sit on my fabulous black and white contemporary sectional couch that I traded a washer/dryer set for and love oh so much, sniffling like a two year old and sneezing my proverbial ass off.

    Oh, I have all the comfy things I need…remote control, Lemon & Honey throat lozenges, Vick’s laden box of tissues, a cup of tea and a new red blanket from Urban Outfitters compliments of LAW and Kari’s discount card. Who could ask for anything more. This too shall pass.

    The insurance thing..not likely to find any takers or any takers I can possibly afford. I’m gonna get all research and tech savvy and find a lovely Canadian Pharmacy. How is it that on THAT side of the border American Pharmaceuticals are CHEAPER. Made in America – shipped a few miles north and  BINGO!!! “BOUGHT IN CANADA” means savings galore and BTW includes free shipping. So, I kinda figure it this way. Save $406.00 I was paying a month for insurance coverage and momma’s got a new pair of shoes!

    And if I just happen to get hit by a beer truck on my way to work – I’ll gladly pay the county hospital $10.00 a month…. for life. I think I’ll come out ahead. And if not, just keep it to yourself and let me live in delusion long enough to build up my wardrobe.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana Wathen

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • A big case of AGHHHHH!!!!!

    It is absolutely stupid how freeing leaving 8″ of hair behind on the salon floor made me feel this afternoon. It was a spontaneous decision. Call and if they could take me – GO! Ohhh ….I find those are the best decisions! All spur of the moment and exciting.

    I was a bundle of nerves after I made the appointment but once that girl had her hands in my hair, massaging my temples and lathering my head into a frenzy I was putty in her hands.

    Let the chopping begin!

    45 Minutes later and I am a new person.

    I feel brand new, inside and out!  I feel invincible…almost bullet proof!

    Okay  – maybe not THAT extreme but damn close. I left a lot of time lying in piles on that saloon floor.  Little Lady Clairol 61/2G Auburn piles now destined for the dust pan. And that is perfectly okay.

    When you stop re-creating, re-investing and re-inventing yourself…you’ve stopped living. Change is good. It moves us forward.

    Be Brave….Make a change.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Don’t give up the ship…..

    One of the greatest assets we can possess is HOPE. Hope gives us the ability to move forward, to see ahead through the storm and on to clearer days and calmer seas.

    It tells us “we can” when others, including ourselves, say “we can’t”. Hope is that small seed that propels us into the future. It is the spark that ignites our dreams. It is the fuel that carries us through the darkest hours and most difficult circumstances. It carries us through to the finish line.

    Hope is the passion behind every smile you see every day of your life. It nurtures and molds our ability to love unconditionally and lays the foundation for our faith. It makes us who we are.

    Without HOPE  there is no future or direction.

    There are challenging days ahead for some folks and I have only these words to share with you as they were shared with me tonight.  Don’t give up the ship.

    Never give up HOPE. I’ll lend you some of mine if you need it. I now have plenty to share.

    I love each and every one of you and today I love the Acker Family  just a little bit more. We are sending you light, love and plenty of hope.

    Juliana Wathen

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Seasons change…..And so do I…..

    There is this incredible moment ….a moment so hard to go back and pin point that you might as well not even try. A moment you just accept  as having happened as soon as you become AWARE of it.

    The AWARENESS comes well after the MOMENT.

    I sat today as I drove between jobs and tried to think…was it yesterday? …the day before? Or Monday….was it Monday??? I had to laugh to myself. The “WHEN” and “HOW” really mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. It’s the end results  that matter.

    Like many, I have actively struggled with negative feelings, fears and phobias for years. I have struggled to let them go and purge them from my daily existence. I worked to let go of anger and I’ve prayed to be released from the stranglehold of unhealthy emotions. I have read books and done meditations to find that peaceful place where these things can no longer touch me.

    Through my studies I have discovered that you can say the words, even with conviction, like “I forgive you”, “I am worthy”…or “I’m not in love this person anymore”…but it is something else  entirely to believe it and live it. The elusive goal is to no longer feel anger in the back of your throat when you speak a name, to no longer feel a longing in your heart when you hear the name of another or fear a situation. And ultimately, to gather yourself in confidence and move on without regret.

    I had that moment today…that AWARENESS moment when I realized that the season in my life had changed and I wasn’t just ready to move on but that I already had. I felt no attachment to the past and the bag of rocks I had left beside the road somewhere along the way. I couldn’t even tell you how many miles back I had dropped the burden. I was just AWARE of traveling lighter.

    With that lightness today came a joy that had been missing in my life for a long time. It’s was like welcoming a new season…rejoicing in the falls first cold front to break the oppressive heat of a dry Texas summer. There is a crispness in the air, a  lightness in my step and I know that Christmas is just around the corner. Life is a gift…sometimes it even has a bow on it!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen