Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Category: LIFE

  • Notes from the Harp

    Notes from the Harp

    Captains log: January 18, 2022

    It has taken me 18 days to settle into this new year. Not exactly a record but worth making note of.

    I have newly turned 59 years old. My cholesteral is finally too high for my doctor’s liking and so I join the ranks of other genteel statin-heads my age adding one more pill to the evening routine. This too shall pass, my mother would say, if you let it.

    If I let it…

    Here I sit at my “home” office, tastefully laid out in my living room. Strategically positioned between the back sliding glass door with a view of the backyard on my right and the open kitchen to my left. I’ve fed all the animals this morning including the feral cats at their respective doors. One prefers the kitchen window which we have deemed the “drive-through” service. I leave the glass door and kitchen window open just a crack for a light cross breeze.

    I settle into my desk and a hot mug of morning coffee. I lay before me my parcel of meds and vitamins. I scroll through my business emails and try to focus on the day ahead. Focus is fleeting. I ask Alexa to play music to study by, cause I’m just not ready for “Today’s Top Hits”. The softest strains of a harp begin to play. Gentle fingers on strings popping and strumming along. A violin whispers its way into the tune and then the full symphony. Not just from Alexa but all around me. I hear a chorus of singing birds with the Egyptian Geese from the neighboring golf course honking in perfect time. The trills of the songbirds and then the rustle of dry leaves on the driveway all create this incredible musical moment in time.

    This too shall pass, if I let it. So I embrace the moment and drink in the music of the day with a ravenous thirst.

    Yes, Momma, I hear your voice. No use crying over spilt milk. Take the pill for now and make better choices today. Eat better, exercise more, and listen to the music.

    I got it from here momma.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana Wathen

    Copyright 2022

  • Self-Care?

    Self-Care?

    You hear the words “self-care” and visions of day spas, bottomless mimosas, and naps by the pool fly before your mind’s eye like a sizzle reel on youtube. You never think about the un-fun side of self-care. But alas, here I sit in my pj’s in my “home” office making that dreaded call to the ….Dentist.

    I have no choice, there is never a GOOD TIME to go for an, oh my God, I’m losing my mind, root canal. Only less offensive, less disruptive, can’t take it any longer kinda time. Today is that day. And luckily they can see to it this afternoon. And it’s a good thing. I dive into my last semester of college tomorrow (which I took on during covid for -something to do.) 17hrs of college education stand between a classicly framed diploma hanging on the office wall and this 59-year-old business owning, corporate meeting planner, community volunteer, and overall fabulous Auntie.

    So, have you ever noticed that when you take the time to schedule some of that ever so popular buzz word “self-care”, that you all but have to convince yourself you deserve it? How many times have you had a sparring match with yourself over scheduling that massage or adding an enhanced service, upgrade or extra lil’ som-some to that day out and felt a twinge of guilt for doing it? Ooohhh, and God forbid someone else see you do it. All the justifications come pouring out like sins at a confessional. Oh gurl! I have been working none stop. I earned this!!! You should have seen what I have been dealing with this last month at work…at home…in my head. Sugar, you would have caved in long along – so yes, I’m having a lil’ treat…. Nothing extravagant…. Just a little something to keep me from ending up on the evening news.

    We profess the benefits of self-care on all the magazine covers, talk shows, and podcasts, and blogs but every good Southern girl still feels a bit guilty taking that time for herself.

    But by God, give me a good ole toothache and I’ll put off that self-care as long as I possibly can!

    Self-care is not all fluff and pleasantries. It can be getting your boob smashed in a vice grip contraption that only a man would have devised. Lord knows if they had to have their penis placed between two cold plates and squeeeeeeeeeeezed, they would have invented something else real quick. Self-care can be getting a flu shot, an annual exam, a new set of tires, a pair of real glasses instead of a 12 pack of Walmart readers and yes, sometimes it means a trip to the dentist for a root canal.

    This too shall pass. It’s just a choice to be made and a step in the right direction to make all the following days that much easier to manage.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana Wathen

    Copyright 2022

  • One Choice, One Step

    One Choice, One Step

    The year is new but that doesn’t mean we can just amend old habits with a spoken wish and a written resolution…OR IS IT?

    We have been conditioned to believe that change is hard, that the struggle is real, and that it is in the difficulty that resides the prize. I respectfully disagree.

    Change is on choice. It is one step away at any given point in your life. The opportunity is omnipresent.

    What must be at the top of my list of choices is self-care. Not because I am selfish…but because I am a leader, an innovator, a student, an artist, and a friend. I participate in my community, industry, and family. I owe it to the people around me that I love and respect to be the best that I can be.

    One step defines your day. One choice defines your future.

    Take the time to take care of yourself.

    There is a reason the flight attendant says to put on your oxygen masks before attempting to help others.

    You can’t help others if you can’t breathe!

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana Wathen

    Copyright 2022

  • I got this!

    I got this!

    Confidence doesn’t just happen. It comes about from challenging our comfort zones and expanding our awareness. Confidence is the manifest expression of knowledge. The KNOWING of who YOU are.

    Knowledge is power…let me say that again. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!

    In this devisive time, many have shut out any chance of expanding their knowledge. They are standing firm in a stagnant state of protecting what they already know and guarding it with hate, judgement and intolerance. They have shut their eyes and ears to any new levels of learning, caring or forgiveness. Any confidence they had is eroding and fear takes it’s place.

    Fear is no more than a lack of confidence or FAITH. Have faith that this too will pass. Have faith that God knows what is happening in the world and He has given you a choice on how YOU will respond to it. Many say that it has gone to far. That it is impossible to forgive, embrace or love past this time.

    I challenge you with the KNOWLEDGE that it is not. It is never too late to learn to forgive, embrace and love. Acknowledge – ACT IN KNOWLEDGE that it starts in and with YOU. The responsibility to make this a better world starts with YOU. YOU GOT THIS!

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana Wathen @2020

  • Where have all the lightkeepers gone?

    Where have all the lightkeepers gone?

    Tsunamis start as small waves deep at sea caused by an underwater disturbance. They can begin unnoticed, just a ripple, but as they get closer to land and the water becomes more shallow the long wave builds upwards until it crashs into land wiping out everything in its path.

    This is the story of America and our current situation of division and hate that started with a disturbance and has grown into a fast moving wave destroying evrything in its path. It has left me wondering what has happened to our light workers. Where are the individuals that carried the banner of light, love and understanding to lead the blind thru the storm? Gradually, I have seen them shutter the lighthouses and withdraw from being a beacon of linspiration and love to one of exclusion, disdain and even hate.

    We have spent decades trying to spread love, understanding and acceptance to all and accept them for where they were in life because we all have different quests and lessons put before us. We met hate with love, violence with peace, exclusion with open arms and ignorance with knowledge. Our doors were open to all….or so I thought.

    I have seen a wave of incredible people fall victim to that which they despise and many don’t even see it. They have succombed to hate and judgement and have soured their souls against their neighbors, friends and family. There is a tsunami of posts on Facebook of unfollowing associates, unfriending life long friends and even blocking family members as if that it the answer to the unrest in this country. Suddenly it is envogue to banish anyone who has an opposing opinion about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. Yes, racism is vile, hate is wicked and so is judgement, sexism and eliteism. However-

    You cannot be the light in the storm if you only open the shutters to ships that sail under your flag or banner of protection.

    Lightworkers are here to be a light of love, an example of forgiveness and a bearer of truth. Do not hide your light. The time is NOW to burn brighter than ever. The time is here for you to recommit to meet the challenge and stand firm when the unrelenting waves of negativity crash at your shores. Let there be peace on earth….and let it begin with me.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana Wathen @2020

  • It’s FALL Y’ALL!….well..sorta

    It’s FALL Y’ALL!….well..sorta

    Thank you Jesus, hallelujah, praise be and pass the whiskey. I stepped outside this morning and it was only 90 degrees and 52% humidity. That folks, is FALL in Texas!

    I pranced down my driveway with a lil’ bounce in my step and headed to the trailhead for my morning walk. This beat the hell outta 102 degrees and 95% humidity anyday. July In Houston is not for the faint of heart. You can’t walk to the mailbox without sweating through your panties. So today…is a TREAT of sizable measure. My three mile walk has become my time to get away from the media, the election, the spam calls and the boredom of being unemployed during the pandemic. I have learned to tune out and tune in. At first the silence is astounding, but as I turn up one curve and round the bend to another I begin to discern the sights and sounds around me. I hear the low hum of a distant highway, a squirrel barking at me as I pass under his tree and different birds calling from here and there. I smell the orange pine needles that have fallen all over the path and I am aware to watch my step cause you can slip right on your ass if you aren’t careful. And there is nothing worse than road rash and sweaty panties. Today I walked right into the familiar “herbal” aroma just lit on the back porch of a half million dollar home that backs up to the trial. I giggled to myself and thought – YOU DO YOU MAN!

    Stepping back from the “world” gives me a chance to embrace the earth and remember all the things I have to be grateful for. As political pundits from both parties scream to the heavens that the sky is falling the fact remains, the sky knows it’s place. Mother Nature makes adjustments day in and day out without our input. Seasons come and go, each with it’s own beauty and challanges and so do my days. So…I walk, I work in my yard, I clean my garage, I file a new payment request from unemployment. I participate in virtual meetings with my industry peers, I take college classes online and I wash my fair share of sweat drenched panties. Yep! Life is GOOD!

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana Wathen @2020

  • Diving in Naked

    Diving in Naked

    It was early morning on Padre Island and I had already decided to get on the road and make the 6 hour drive home to Houston after ringing in the New Year with one of my oldest and dearest friends on South Padre Island. The weather had not been our best friend this trip, high winds, cold temperatures and rainy skies had kept us from venturing out too much. The low hanging clouds had engulfed the island in a blanket of gray with only brief moments of sun light streaking through every now and again. In retrospect, it was a blanket I needed. It comforted me in familiarity with my kindred soul, a sister from another mister as they say. A sister of choice who I shared my mother with. We went to church on Sunday at Chapel by the Sea. Kim sang out all the hymns I didn’t know as I remained quietly standing beside her. I translated the preachers words almost instantaneously in my mind as my perceptions and understandings of the scriptures he read and stories he told didn’t quite mirror my own beliefs but at the core still resonated.

    Afterwards we brunched with ladies of the isle 30 and even 40 years our seniors and I was amazed at their combined history and journeys as they sipped mimosas and devoured sugar dusted donut balls. Over the next few days we shopped, napped, read books, solved the worlds woes and fed each others spirit with gentle nudges of truth and observations. I was in a safe harbor to laugh, cry, explore or to do nothing more than be if that was what I needed.

    Several years back we had spread my mother’s ashes on the north end of the National Seashore. We hadn’t gone out there this trip and it seemed odd to not go and pay some sort of homage but it just never happened with the rain and cold. I was just resigned to it I think.

    And then my friend asked me as we sat perched high over the gulf of Mexico from our “Ivory Tower” , watching the gray waves wash in and spotting a few bundled up beach combers searching the sand for treasures, “Are you sure you don’t want to go see Wanda?”. It was like one of those brief breaks in the clouds where the sun comes shining thru, if only for a moment, like a spotlight on center stage. I knew where I needed to be and what I needed to do. Not for Wanda, but for me. I had spoken about it briefly a few days before. The need for a cleansing, a chance to wash off the previous year and start anew. A clean slate for the new year ahead.

    I grabbed a few beach towels and still in my Vera Wang PJ’s we headed to the north shore. The wind was howling and you could feel the gusts push the jeep from side to side every now and again as we traveled down the main highway. We reached the beach entrance, sand dunes piled high on either side. The sand was wet and deep but no real challenge for a jeep. I rolled down my window and breathed in heavy doses of chilled salt air. We passed a few fishermen who where stubborn enough to brave the cold and rough surf in the hope of catching a few silvery pompano. Two heron stood watch as if they had a vested interest in the fisherman’s success and it made me smile.

    We drove further up the beach until we saw the spot we loving call “Wanda’s Beach”. The tide was coming in and there we were. There was a frothy foam on the top of the water from the constant battering of waves. I laughed to myself and said a silent thank you to Wanda for the soap! A prayer of protection and a silent meditation and then I stepped from the jeep and began to disrobe. The sand was cold on my feet, the wind bit at every bump and bulge and yet I continued to undress. Here I was, rapidly approaching my 56th birthday, 225 lbs of insecurity and a slight fear of water, marching into the waves. I didn’t run or plunge but with a steadfast purpose walked into the ocean. Letting it take me one step at a time, one wave at a time to a new year. Not a new me but a truer me. Not as scared, not as insecure, not as mournful for the loss of my mother who was my best friend in the world. The waves were rolling in. One minute waste deep the next up to my neck and floating, my feet swept up off the sandy floor but still capable of moving forward.

    That’s the choice….to move forward. A wave lapped over my head and I knew, forward can be many things. I embraced the waves and now it was time to embrace the chilling air. I turned and made my way back to shore just as slowly and deliberately as I had walked in. And there, on the shore, was my soul sister to welcome me, wrap me in her blanket and arms and share the moment. My heart was beating through my chest and I gasped for air as I clung to her. I never felt warmer or more alive.

    This was why I was here. To acknowledge that feeling of vulnerability and insecurity you are left with when orphaned on earth with the lose of a parent. To finally take all the things they had taught you and instilled in you and use them on a daily basis without their prodding.

    I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I am brave. I am kind. I am that I am. And so my sweet, are you.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

    Copyright Juliana Wathen 2019

  • LOST & FOUND

     

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     I want to talk to you today about the power of words and I am taking aim at one of the most common phrases of all time. “I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT.”

    Now, you may think this is a GOOD phrase. Seems harmless, right? But let me point out a few things about these words.

    Years ago, my sweet momma, Wanda Glyn, called me while I was at college. She had had  one of those light bulb moments that strikes like lightning! She was a pray-er from way back! Now, the Good Lord says to “ask and it shall be given”, well she had been praying ever since I was child. “Lord, we need more money”….we were always JUST scraping by and she was always afraid we wouldn’t have enough. But we always had what we needed …but there was nothing extra. It dawned on her that instead of sending praise  and being thankful that we always had what would sustain us, she had been praying for “NEED” all these years. And the Good Lord gave it to her in spades.

    So I caught myself the other day on one of my “girlfriend” pages on Facebook saying and hearing in return over and over “I NEED to LOSE weight. Now, If I applied Wanda Glyn’s new found wisdom there are two words here that need some work. So we already covered the “NEED” part…when you tell the good Lord “I NEED” he’s gonna give you NEED in buckets, but what about “LOSE”. That word started ringing a bit negative to me. Because when you lose things it’s usually bad. Is it good when we LOSE our car keys, lose our jobs, lose a loved one or just plan lose our shit! NO!!! People even say “I am sorry for your loss”. Nobody has ever said that to me when I’ve lost weight but I have had a few “Bless your hearts” waved at me. So what is this need to LOSE WEIGHT?

    LOSE, you see,  carries with it the feeling of anxiety and downright sadness…don’t you get anxious when you lose something, don’t you beat yourself up sometimes for losing shit? I DO! All I want to do is find it or con-soul myself by replacing it if at all possible! What if sub-consciously we were feeling the same same way about weight. People always joke that when you loss weight to be careful or you’ll find it again and there is always some ass-hat that will chime in “I FOUND IT, let me know when you want it back!”

    So, how can I fix this anxiety ridden Mantra of ” I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT” to something positive that I can use on a daily basis that makes me feel GOOD and THANKFUL in every word. I came up with this, something to add to my morning prayer and meditation:

    “I release back to the ONE source all cells of my body that are not necessary to the healthy functioning of this body. My temple is clean, pure and balanced in all things. I thank you for your service and for the en-lighten-ment you have brought me.“

    You see, when you RELEASE things, you LET THEM GO without the expectation, want or desire to see them again. Changing the power of my speech and prayer from one of anxiety and loss to one of release and joy has given me a whole new attitude toward my life choices. I feel like lightning has struck again and I can hear sweet Wanda Glyn cheering from the heavens above, I AM THAT I AM and it is good.

    I love each and every one of you,

    Juliana Wathen

    Copyright 2018

    (more…)

  • Life is like a drawer of fried chicken…..

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    Forest Gump almost had it right – POLITICIANS are like a box of chocolates…you never know what your gonna get.

    So instead of standing on my soap box today and preaching I just want to make an impassioned plea to your stomach to consider what the world  looks like thru my eyes.

    LIFE….AN IDEAL LIFE…. of peace, harmony and good will is just like a pull out drawer of self serve cold chicken.

    Now while you pick your drooling jaw up off the linoleum floor…hear me out. The world has lost what the true meaning of UNITY is. Unity isn’t about dividing the red from the blue or imposing leash laws on other peoples dogmas.  Unity is about joining in spite of your differences. Which leads me to today’s topic at hand. Brothers and Sisters, I give you THE perfect refrigerator drawer!

    You might think I have lost my ever dieting mind – But there is TRUE UNITY in that drawer full of chicken. White and dark sit side by side without any muss or fuss. This drawer is where right wing and left wing can co-exist in peace without sound bites, finger pointing or negative ads. It’s a judgement free zone where you are free to have a preference and the freedom to pick a breast, leg or thigh, hell even a gizzard if you see fit. There is room for spicy and mild, baked, blackened, broiled or fried. When the day is done and all the votes are counted….it’s all just chicken. Protein just waiting to be paired with some of the best lip smacking sides and delectable desserts to ever cross a paper plate. That is the classic RE-UNION plate of the south. RE-Union…..to bring back together again and again. So yes, life should be like a drawer of chicken….eat what you like and share the rest.

    That is my recipe to success for this world of ours.

    I thank Gerald for the original picture…the drawer was nearly empty when I took mine. And to Paulie for a great reunion of friends in celebration of your birthday.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana Wathen

    Copyright 2016

     

     

     

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  • Seriously…Step aside….

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    Have you ever heard the phrase” Get out of your own way” ? For all the up and downs life throws us it seems that the answer can be as easy as ….STEP ASIDE.

    It seems we have been programmed to believe that for something to work it must be hard-won. That we must struggle to learn and move ahead. Nothing could be further from the truth.

    “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you”

    So if that is the Universal Law then why don’t we use it?

    A friend recently confided that she is struggling to lose weight after a divorce. She was up every morning to swim laps and scoured the stores for mounds of fresh fruits, veggies and fish. Two weeks of dedication, solid exercise and eating right had only resulted in a measly 3lb loss. Flossing celery strands from between her teeth hardly seemed worth it. But she also shared that she was afraid of attracting anyone new into her life. And it dawned on me. She may have consciously been exercising and  eating healthy but she had not yet given her body PERMISSION to let go of all the cells that were no longer necessary to the health and well-being of her body. She was sub-consciously hanging on to her “warm, snuggly robe of excess weight” and burning calories be damned, her heels were dug in and  she wasn’t letting go. A house divided cannot stand! She was working against herself. Her body, mind and spirit weren’t only not on the same page…they weren’t even in the same library. Unity starts within and only when the three are aligned with a common goal can you be successful.

    A crown of righteousness…..RIGHT-USE-NESS has been given to us. All the keys to the Kingdom are ours if we would just stand for our birthright, declare our worthiness and use the simple laws that have been given us.

    If you want to be successful….GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION to succeed.

    I give myself permission to learn.

    I give myself permission to love.

    I give myself permission to forgive.

    I give myself permission to release grief and anger.

    I give my body permission to release all unnecessary cells that no longer serve my body and health for the better.

    Seriously….Step aside…. and let all that life has to offer come to you.

    I love each and every one of you….

    Juliana Wathen

    Copyright 2016