Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Category: Inspiration

  • Here comes the sun…..

    Quietly I made my way thru the house this morning past the rooms of still slumbering sand warriors who went to bed in the wee hours of the morning nursing their sunburns and still wearing their glow-in-the-dark necklaces.

    The deck was all mine and so was the entire beach. Not a soul insight. Just me, the seagulls and the rising sun creeping up over the waves that washed the beach clean and smooth.

    I settled into the heavy sun-bleached wooden rocker and thought “what a lovely way to pray and start my day.”

    “Dear heavenly Father, I welcome the sun. I am surrounded by the light of Christ, I am filled with the life of God. All that comes to me and all that comes from me is good. Fill me with Peace, Guidance and Understanding in all things. Open my eyes that I might see clearly, open my ears that I might hear the message and open my heart that I might know the truth. Bless those that cross my path as they have all come and gone for a reason. I send them light and love. Bless us all Father as we journey back to our homes today. We are truly blessed to know who we are and where we came from.”

    Let the games begin.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • FLY AWAY…..

    Today was a strange day and maybe I was just feeling the vibes in the earth but I felt the scars on my heart today. It was a feeling I couldn’t shake till just an hour or so ago.

    Emotions welled in me and I missed the one I had held most dear but that is no longer in my life. At some point “feeling” all this just pissed me off.

    I had started the day knowing my dearest friend Lori’s dad was in the hospital and they said by days end he needed a quadruple heart by-pass but was in no shape to tolerate the surgery. His heart was so tired. I said my prayers for Giles Henry throughout the day as I drove from task to task. I prayed for the Doctors to find the right solution.

    I went on to an event today and was pulled aside. “Had I heard the news?”  – What news?” –  I expected industry gossip but instead was told in the lowest of hushed tones that the fabulous Houston Songtress Yvonne Washington had suffered a heart attack and was scheduled for by-pass surgery tomorrow morning at Methodist Hospital. My own heart sank as she and I had just discussed the signs of a woman’s heart attack as we sat backstage at a gala two weeks ago. She will miss her daughter’s wedding this Saturday and that will break her heart all over again. I said my prayers again as I made my way to my next stop.

    The work continued, the day continued and so did this feeling of heartbreak in my heart.

    I checked my phone during the event tonight searching for an update on Giles Henry and I saw instead a post on Facebook. A dear high school friends mom had passed away back in our hometown of Conroe. She died at home surrounded by two of her children.Brent did not get there in time.

    When the body is frail the heart just stops. And she, like a dove  – flew away as her son drove down the highway listening to track 11 FLY AWAY. He heard a new message in the song he had heard many times before.  he was grateful for the music written by a friend that helped him cope with the loss. And he took the time to tell him so from the side of the road.

    Hearts were breaking all around me today. Figuratively and literally. My heart had been broken for years, inside and out . Physically and emotionally I had run my heart thru a ringer in the past few years and yet I survived on each level. Somehow, I was reborn. Yes figuratively and literally.

    Today reminded where I had been. I risked my heart. I experienced an incredible love that did not last. My heart is scarred but not broken. I saw a glimpse of what could and should be. I risked my health again and again. My heart nearly threw in the towel for us both. But instead, has forgiven me and beats stronger today than it has in years. There is not a lot of reason behind why I have survived three hearts attacks and Congestive Heart Failure. I have to believe that God’s just not done with me yet and that my heart has not experienced the greatest of moments that he still has planned for me. I appreciate where I have been and even more, where I am going.

    So tonight, I pray for the hearts that are ailing and the hearts that are hurting. I pray for the daughter who sits by her father’s bedside holding his hand and saying ‘It’s gonna be okay Giles Henry”, I pray for the mother who worries most about missing her Daughter’s biggest day. And I pray for the son who with a heavy heart listened in his car to track 11 FLY AWAY and found comfort in his moms passing in the words of a song.

    I love each and every one of you.

    And today I love a beautiful girl, Lori, Yvonne, Giles Henry and Brent just a little bit more. I hope you don’t mind.

    Juliana

  • When I was a child….

    When I was a child I spoke as a child. I understood as a child. I thought as a child – an overweight child. And when I became a woman, regardless of my size, I continued to speak, comprehend and think as an overweight person.

    I found this picture last night of myself in 1982. I look at it today and think – wow…I wasn’t huge! But I never felt like anything other than enormous, standing out in the crowd and being stared at for being overweight and homely. BUT – damn it! There wasn’t a damn thing wrong with me. I even had on stylish shoes for Christ sake.

    So I looked closer at more of my pictures that show the roller coaster of sizes through the years. Up and down, round and round. Size 18, 20, 22, 24, 26, 16, 14, 28…..In my mind – they were all out of the norm. Don’t get me wrong – I was never THIN…but I hit average a time or two and didn’t FEEL it. The only thing I felt was exposed. More people noticed me the thinner I got and more people approached me to be social and go to parties and well, honestly it scared the hell out of me. On some levels it offended me that people I had known thru my work industry for years were inviting me to cocktail parties at their homes etc…In rebellion I became almost reclusive. I did not have my weight to protect me so I just hid….and ate and gained back my blanket of fat.

    It is my mission to change my mind set NOW. I will not even wait for the weight to come off. I must heal my mind and my perception of myself for my body to follow. I realize that only through a permanent mind set will I be able to maintain any kind of lifestyle program to achieve a healthier weight.

    I had a heart attack at 36yrs of age. I had weighed nearly 285 when it happened. I dropped 95 lbs while in cardiac rehab combined with dieting over 6 months. I was in a size 16 by the time I was released to full-time work and left to an unmonitored life. In no time at all I began to add back the weight.

    Yep – That is me  on the right. Size 16 and at a swanky gay affair! Maybe not svelte but I had a damn waistline!

    I still felt huge.

    The mind is a powerful thing.  I am redirecting my thought patterns. I am no longer a child. I am a woman and I will speak as a woman who knows and understands herself to be beautiful at any age or size. I will embrace this new understanding with love and I will think with the clarity of this new vision. A vision that was always meant to be mine from the beginning.

    Me size 26/28 (depends on what it is) hanging out with more beautiful women welcoming lil Darsh into the fold.

    I love each and every one of you. I hope you look in the mirror today and see the beauty that I see in you.

    Aghhhh so many women….so little time! 🙂

    Juliana

  • After the Rapture…..

    I’m still here. Are you still here? …..Thought so.

    I got up and took my ipod to the pool this morning to relax and soak up some sun. It was early and I had the entire pool deck to myself. It was quite except for the sound of a breeze rustling through the palm tree tops. I happily soaked in the serenity of the moment and smiled inside and out. It dawned on me that there were actually people in the world who would be sad today that they were still living and not swept up to the heavens on Saturday. Many had given up jobs and spent life savings, stood in airports and on street corners warning people the end was near. Now, the day after, they are faced with the weight of an enormous question. WHAT NEXT?

    In good southern style I thought to myself …….”Bless their hearts”.

    I started rustling  thru my bag. I had haphazardly grabbed a random bag from the closet and tossed in the usual. A towel, 50 factor sunscreen for babies (I’m delicate – damnit), iPod, and bottled water. As I dug around I found a loose piece of paper and pulled it out to see what it was. It was a funeral program left over from a friends father’s passing. It had been in there for nearly two years. I read it cover to cover and studied the pictures on each page. Youth, Parents, Children, Family…all that goes with living.

    That was it – THE KEY…The answer to the HUGE question hanging over these poor peoples heads……it was simple and right in front of them….LIFE. Life is what is next.

    This man lived it. He didn’t hide from it, he didn’t fear it and he didn’t spend his life savings focusing on the end of it. So many of these doomsday people are so focused on how and when they will die or transition to the other side of life that they FORGET TO LIVE. They are so shackled in fear that they can’t …LIVE. Bless their hearts again.

    I want you to try something. A mental exercise of sorts. Most of us aren’t doomsday fanatics but we do shackle and bind our hearts with fear. Fear of many things, rejection, being hurt, being betrayed…And most of those things when reduced to their core mean LOVE and ACCEPTANCE.

    So many have locked away their hearts in an attempt to live a more protected and safe life. Stop it! Unchain your heart. Open it and let love and life’s energy flow from you so that it may return to you. Think about this. How many “Friends” do you have just on FACEBOOK. If you opened up your heart and just let it flow out to those people…it would cost you nothing . Imagine if each of those people did the same for you and think of all the love that would come back to you. 100 fold…200 fold…500 fold…? How many friends do you have??? 1000?

    Don’t be afraid to live your life. Don’t spend your time protecting yourself from the pitfalls of life – you’ll miss life altogether. Love who and where you are. Enjoy THIS moment. Live THIS time in your life. Ride the ride. You are loved by so many. Most people don’t realize how loved they are till they lose it. So choose to see it in all aspects of your life. Open your heart. There is no time BUT the present.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • If the world was ending what would you do…..

    I read on the internet this morning that tomorrow, May 21, 2011  is supposed to be the end of time according to some guy who professes to have done extensive studying of the bible and the Rapture. His name…oh who cares. This guy ( nut job) predicts  May 21, 2011, to be Judgment Day. He came to this conclusion  through a series of Bible-based calculations that assume the world will end exactly 7,000 years after Noah’s flood, believers are to be transported up to heaven as a worldwide earthquake strikes. Nonbelievers will endure five months of plagues, quakes, wars, famine and general torment before the planet’s total destruction in October. In 1992 he said the rapture would probably be in 1994, but he now says newer evidence makes the prophesy for this year certain.

    Well, I made it to Sunday school a few times in my day and I could have sworn it said something about “NO MAN WILL KNOW THE DAY”….so….I’m thinking this guy must be a Drag Queen cause they can’t tell time either.

    So, what would you do if you knew the world was ending tomorrow? I called and asked my mom “St. Wanda” this thought provoking question. She calmly replied. “I’d like to be taking a nap but I’ll probably be cutting your daddies toenails.” I love me some Wanda Glynn!!!!

    Here’s the deal. You have a better chance of being hit by a beer truck going home today than being caught up in the Rapture tomorrow. So do what you should be doing everyday anyway. LIVE, LAUGH and LOVE! That way when your time does come…it just won’t matter a bit cause you’ll be good to go on all fronts!

    Live, Laugh, Love

    I love each and ever one of you

    Juliana

  • They say it’s your birthday……

    It’s a birthday kinda weekend. I’m heading to an 8th birthday party tomorrow for Lil’ Ty. I just don’t know what to wear!

    Lately, every day has been my birthday. I wake up each day and “Make a wish”. And though I’m not blowing out a candle over lusciously delicious pastries I am, none the less, celebrating.

    I am 48 years young and feel younger instead of older everyday. This whole eating right really does have a positive effect. It’s not all about just changing my attitude about life and the body following. It is a result of feeding my body what it needs. And IT changing how I feel. I am eating  at least 6 small meals a day and yes that means making sure I take my Scooby Do lunch box everywhere I go. My energy is through the roof. In the past years I ate dinner at night and had to wait for it to get dark enough to justify going to bed. NOW – OMG!

    I MAKE myself go to bed at 1am and I wake up no later then 6:30am feeling refreshed and ready to pin the tail on the donkey. I could have slept 10 hours before and not felt rested. I’m sure it’s all about the science of consistent blood sugar levels, and energy foods….blah blah blah….But I like to think it’s the daily birthday wish.

    I love each and every one of you and if it’s your birthday..well..today…I love you just a little more for sticking around for cake and ice cream.

    Juliana

  • Before and After….

    I HATE the before and after pictures the weight loss companies post to entice you to lose weight. Weight Watchers wants to see YOUR starting photo as well.

    Aghh, I just could NOT make myself put on a pair of tights and tank top two sizes too small and take my photo in a mirror of myself slouching and frowning like someone out of camera range had bad gas….You know what I’m talking about don’t cha?

    But just for shits and grins I am posting a casual picture of me at work today. You don’t have to see every bump and ripple to tell I am pretty damn heavy. But what should catch your eye most is not my size but the fact that I am comfortable and happy.

    I am not afraid to show you who I am today, yesterday or who I will become tomorrow. I will not hide away from the world till I am “perfect” for you to see and know. I would rather you see the work in progress.

    I have been up and I have been down in more ways than one. But it is the sum total of all my experiences and encounters that have brought me to this place today and it’s a good place to be. So feel free to follow me on my journey. I can only promise it will never be boring…I DO promise never to post full body shots of me in spandex.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Life is Good!

  • Urban Myths…..And speeding bullets….

    Have you ever heard someone say, “My, My,  mercy. That woman is as big around as she is tall”. Which is quickly followed by some knee slapping, a good belly laugh and maybe a snort or two.

    I’m sure you are all equally, if  not more, familiar with the age-old phrase “curiosity killed the cat”….well, put this puss 6 feet under. My curiosity got the best of me. All those damn “trackers” on the POINTSPLUS with Weight Watchers did me in. I discovered last week that there was not only your POINTS Tracker and an Activity Tracker and a Weight Tracker but down in the right hand corner was a MEASUREMENT TRACKER. Can you see the speeding bullet coming at you. Well, I forgot to duck and seeing as I  have blonde highlights in my hair for the summer  it took me a few days for it to dawn on me.

    My hips measured 63 inches. DANG!!!! I know – SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!

    Someone sent me an email with one of those chinese number bullshit things. Add your current age to the year you were born and no matter what it will be 111. I tried it – it worked, BFD! Then I decided…huh…I wonder what 63 inches is converted into feet?

    Let me just say I started backwards and converted my height into inches just for comparison’s sake. I’m 5’4″ tall. You do the math………..I’ll wait……….if you got 63, you suck at math. If you got 64 then you are correct. And no I am not as big around as I am tall but I’m damn near it!!!

    How many more ways is Weight Watchers going to hold me accountable? For Christ’s sake it’s all on-line. I joined so I wouldn’t have to go to weekly meetings and be held ACCOUNTABLE  at weigh in with a room full of strangers. Damn it! Foiled again!

    Well, the automated Fat Patrol is doing its duty. I’m 3 weeks in and have lost 5% of my body weight. HA! Take that Mr. Tracker….course I only know that because the tracker told me so.

    I love each and every one of you. Watch out for speeding bullets!

    Juliana

  • Living in the Winners Circle…..

    To BE a winner you have to believe you ARE a winner. You have to talk the talk and walk the walk. If you have to fake it till you make it, then so be it!

    The alternative is to feed the negative side of life and live day to day as a victim. A victim of your circumstances AND YOUR OWN BELIEFS. You will be limited by your own perceived limitations. The manifestation of that powerful belief system transforms you into a magnet for all that you fear. Just like in the biblical story of JOB: “precisely that which he fears will be sent upon him”.

    I have lived that FEAR. I feared LIVING and put myself at deaths door. I feared LOVING and pushed away those I claimed to give my heart to. I feared LOSING and broke the delicate things I clung too. It is a hard lesson to learn. And even harder to realize that you called it all upon yourself. Who in their right mind would want to live that life of fear. And so I prayed that God restore my RIGHT MIND.

    The curtain has been lifted and now I see from the other side of the veil. I am a winner because I CHOSE to be. I am living because I do not fear life and all it’s riches any longer. I raise my trophy high and say, “WAY TO GO!” Because if I can’t see what an incredible, beautiful and gifted person I am , then how can I expect anyone else to see it?

    I AM A WINNER….and so are you!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Slow down Speedy…..

    Much to my amazement and amusement Weight Watchers DOES have police on their POINTS PLUS program. I dutifully entered my weight on Sunday after weigh in into the Weight Tracker and bells and whistle about blew my hair back. Apparently you CAN lose too much weight in a week. Who the hell ever heard of THAT? Certainly no prom girls I know.

    So the POINTS PLUS program admonished me and readjusted my POINTS allowance to slow down my progress. educational windows popped up about the risks of rapid weight loss and the dangers of losing muscle mass and not just fat. I’m thinking – Honey, there is way too much fat there for you to even worry about it hitting my muscle mass yet! But I read on……. Unless you are under a doctor’s care, you should not lose more than 1 to 2 lbs. per week. This is a safe amount of weight that will allow your body to slowly adjust to the changes and you will be more successful at keeping it off. Losing any more weight than that can lead to severe health problems. Well SHIT! I already have health problems.

    So I did a lil research. “Your heart is responsible for pumping blood and oxygen throughout your body. When you gain or lose weight, your heart must adjust to accommodate more or less body weight. Since your heart is a muscle, rapid weight loss or constantly losing and then gaining weight can place a lot of stress on your heart. As your weight changes so does your blood pressure and heart rate. You may also experience irregular heart rhythms and eventually heart failure.”

    Okay – so that makes the whole weight loss issue a little more serious in my mind since I already have Heart Failure and Irregular Heart Rhythms. Slow and steady wins the race. Reality check noted!  

    But I do love me some Speedy Gonzales! So me and Speedy will keep moving forward we just won’t be leaving a dust trail behind us!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana