Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Category: Humour

  • Working on my tan lines…..

    It is a commonly held myth that BROWN FAT looks better than WHITE FAT. But I’m not so sure it is a myth. I think a little color looks good on everybody. So I am doing my part to live the myth…..I’m by the pool every chance I get basting up my butterball to see if I can achieve that perfect tan. So far I have only mastered a slight burn, some chaffing and a bevy of freckles that would set Ireland aglow. If my freckles don’t find a way to merge and soon then I am afraid I might get added to the pool activities roster when someone flips me over and starts playing connect the dots with a sharpie. ON second thought…it does beat on-line dating!

    Stranger things have happened!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Recipe for beauty…

    Have you ever noticed that the shape of a woman is described as something you can eat?

    Funny isn’t it! Pear shaped women with small shoulders and big round bottoms, apple shaped women who are just round all the way around, and the latest “Muffin Top”. Now the skinny girls get names like Twiggy and Sticks. Not very appetizing.  And the prettiest figures with the best curves are called  Hour Glass.

    Now – just in a random survey if someone offered me a pear, an apple, a muffin, a stick or an hourglass which one would I pick? Well, I don’t need a stick. I don’t have a dog or a broken window to prop open. Hourglasses are a nice novelty on the shelf and pretty to look at but not very pratical. You always have to go turn it upside down to get it to work and then it only works for a little while. So I would probably go with the pear! Or if I got to choose more than one I would make a pear and apple salad with a muffin on the side. 🙂

    Let’s just face it. Women are delicious!

    And just a side note to the bitch who didn’t tend her garden and keep her bits and pieces in good working order all those years ago. The women of today don’t appreciate being called “FISH”. It implies that we either smell like yesterdays catch of the day or something men have the option of ordering on a dinner plate of Friday and well, hell….I’m not CATHOLIC!

    Take care of your yard work ladies. Mow the lawns and trim the bushes. If you can’t see or reach all your…..topiaries…… then hire a gardener!  An ill kept garden attracts fruit flies. Buzzing, annoying, flighty lil’ fruit flies!

    You picking up what I’m putting down, Girls? Good!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • FROST & TIP PARTY

    Today was FROST & TIP Saturday at my house. Yep… it was time to get our highlights on. And who better to put you through the torture of pulling your hair through a plastic cap with a knitting needle than your good friends.

    First we fortified ourselves with homemade deli style sandwiches accompanied by a chip or two. Washed it down with a refreshing  vodka tonic with lime….or two…or three…oh hell, who’s counting.

    Then we lamented about the stupid frenchman with too much baggage to recognize what a hot mess Christina is. I mean…WE see it – why can’t he????

    And then there are the on-line dating sites where you say NO SMOKERS and the person you meet REEKS of an ashtray and their idea of being a NON-SMOKERS is one who is trying to quit….Leisa calls “LOSER” !!!! Which of course is closely followed by the chubby chasers who just want to date us for our cushiness.LOSSERRRRRR!!!!! And the one who lives down the street from your last ex – ohhhh soooooo not an option under any circumstances. If you can get a new home address then we can talk. Maybe more! wink, wink!!

    Then we had to bitch a bit about menopause cause that’s just what we do now. I’m hot, I’m cranky, I’m dry, I’m…… okay…”Too much information” as my mother would say.

    Well, our blonde streaks are PERFECT….just saying. Patting myself on the back.

    We have laughed till we nearly peed my concrete floor – the cat has hidden under the bed all day to escape our shinanigans and it very well may be time for a nap!

    Love my girls, love my Saturdays, love a good frost and tip party!

    I love each and every one of you. Especially if you have highlights.

    Juliana

  • OMG….. FLAT ABS!

    I have FINALLY found the latest, most effective way to get in shape. It is THE ultimate work out!!!  A girlfriend was kind enough to share this secret with me. Talk about motivational! OHHHH I just couldn’t wait to share it with everyone. I think we are REALLY on to something that could change the face of workouts everywhere. It doesn’t matter how old you are or how out of shape. There is nothing to buy or sign up for. No special diet. No books to read or DVD’s to sweat to. You don’t even have to leave your house! Any woman with a pulse can do this! Are you ready???  It’s called Coregasm! Yep! COREGASM. Apparently – I say apparently cause I haven’t run home to try it yet – APPARENTLY, it is an orgasm some women can have when performing certain ab exercises. Experts say (wait….BIG O Experts?? Really??? Who knew!!) Well, EXPERTS say that this wacky core induced climax could be due to a number of factors:

    1.)The tightening of pelvic muscles

    2.) The build up of tension 

     3.) Nerve impulse

    At this point in my life I don’t really care if it’s caused by underpaid workers in a sweat shop in Malasia, I think it is wortha try.  It’s doesn’t matter HOW it works, only that it does!

    Oh….and if I lose a few inches of my waist…well that’s just gravy…so to speak.

  • Red Rover, Red Rover…..

    Red Rover, Red Rover my friends coming over…for a three day WEEKEND!!!

    Yes, I can be excited…excited I cleaned tonight for one! Look at Punkin sitting and watching TV at the end of the couch…on the floor. He’s not quite sure where to sit with everything so fresh and organized.

    Matter of fact, I’m not quite sure where I can sit either. I don’t want to mess anything up.

    Not that my friends would care one way or the other. That is the beauty of true friends. They don’t really care if there are crumbs in the corner as long as a big fat rat isn’t dining on them!

    Friends are the people who feed your soul. They are there when you need them with an encouraging word and some times an ass chewing. Cause let’s face it, we all need both every now and then. Friendships aren’t always easy. They have ups and downs just like all relationships. But we tend to work harder on friendships. They are the rock when everything else turns sour.

    They pick up the pieces when we are broken. Hopes are dashed and dreams are shattered and there they are with a broom and dust pan sweeping up the pieces and slowly they pour them back into our hand and say with a casual tone. “Drop Something?”…..”Want me to get the glue or you gonna throw that away?”

    They are our partners in crime. Road Trip Co-Pilots. Wing-man. Fashion Consultant. House Fairy. Cheerleader. Confessor and Confidant. I’m excited I have been blessed with so many people I can call “friend”.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana