Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Category: Humour

  • Self-Care?

    Self-Care?

    You hear the words “self-care” and visions of day spas, bottomless mimosas, and naps by the pool fly before your mind’s eye like a sizzle reel on youtube. You never think about the un-fun side of self-care. But alas, here I sit in my pj’s in my “home” office making that dreaded call to the ….Dentist.

    I have no choice, there is never a GOOD TIME to go for an, oh my God, I’m losing my mind, root canal. Only less offensive, less disruptive, can’t take it any longer kinda time. Today is that day. And luckily they can see to it this afternoon. And it’s a good thing. I dive into my last semester of college tomorrow (which I took on during covid for -something to do.) 17hrs of college education stand between a classicly framed diploma hanging on the office wall and this 59-year-old business owning, corporate meeting planner, community volunteer, and overall fabulous Auntie.

    So, have you ever noticed that when you take the time to schedule some of that ever so popular buzz word “self-care”, that you all but have to convince yourself you deserve it? How many times have you had a sparring match with yourself over scheduling that massage or adding an enhanced service, upgrade or extra lil’ som-some to that day out and felt a twinge of guilt for doing it? Ooohhh, and God forbid someone else see you do it. All the justifications come pouring out like sins at a confessional. Oh gurl! I have been working none stop. I earned this!!! You should have seen what I have been dealing with this last month at work…at home…in my head. Sugar, you would have caved in long along – so yes, I’m having a lil’ treat…. Nothing extravagant…. Just a little something to keep me from ending up on the evening news.

    We profess the benefits of self-care on all the magazine covers, talk shows, and podcasts, and blogs but every good Southern girl still feels a bit guilty taking that time for herself.

    But by God, give me a good ole toothache and I’ll put off that self-care as long as I possibly can!

    Self-care is not all fluff and pleasantries. It can be getting your boob smashed in a vice grip contraption that only a man would have devised. Lord knows if they had to have their penis placed between two cold plates and squeeeeeeeeeeezed, they would have invented something else real quick. Self-care can be getting a flu shot, an annual exam, a new set of tires, a pair of real glasses instead of a 12 pack of Walmart readers and yes, sometimes it means a trip to the dentist for a root canal.

    This too shall pass. It’s just a choice to be made and a step in the right direction to make all the following days that much easier to manage.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana Wathen

    Copyright 2022

  • It’s FALL Y’ALL!….well..sorta

    It’s FALL Y’ALL!….well..sorta

    Thank you Jesus, hallelujah, praise be and pass the whiskey. I stepped outside this morning and it was only 90 degrees and 52% humidity. That folks, is FALL in Texas!

    I pranced down my driveway with a lil’ bounce in my step and headed to the trailhead for my morning walk. This beat the hell outta 102 degrees and 95% humidity anyday. July In Houston is not for the faint of heart. You can’t walk to the mailbox without sweating through your panties. So today…is a TREAT of sizable measure. My three mile walk has become my time to get away from the media, the election, the spam calls and the boredom of being unemployed during the pandemic. I have learned to tune out and tune in. At first the silence is astounding, but as I turn up one curve and round the bend to another I begin to discern the sights and sounds around me. I hear the low hum of a distant highway, a squirrel barking at me as I pass under his tree and different birds calling from here and there. I smell the orange pine needles that have fallen all over the path and I am aware to watch my step cause you can slip right on your ass if you aren’t careful. And there is nothing worse than road rash and sweaty panties. Today I walked right into the familiar “herbal” aroma just lit on the back porch of a half million dollar home that backs up to the trial. I giggled to myself and thought – YOU DO YOU MAN!

    Stepping back from the “world” gives me a chance to embrace the earth and remember all the things I have to be grateful for. As political pundits from both parties scream to the heavens that the sky is falling the fact remains, the sky knows it’s place. Mother Nature makes adjustments day in and day out without our input. Seasons come and go, each with it’s own beauty and challanges and so do my days. So…I walk, I work in my yard, I clean my garage, I file a new payment request from unemployment. I participate in virtual meetings with my industry peers, I take college classes online and I wash my fair share of sweat drenched panties. Yep! Life is GOOD!

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana Wathen @2020

  • Life is like a drawer of fried chicken…..

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    Forest Gump almost had it right – POLITICIANS are like a box of chocolates…you never know what your gonna get.

    So instead of standing on my soap box today and preaching I just want to make an impassioned plea to your stomach to consider what the world  looks like thru my eyes.

    LIFE….AN IDEAL LIFE…. of peace, harmony and good will is just like a pull out drawer of self serve cold chicken.

    Now while you pick your drooling jaw up off the linoleum floor…hear me out. The world has lost what the true meaning of UNITY is. Unity isn’t about dividing the red from the blue or imposing leash laws on other peoples dogmas.  Unity is about joining in spite of your differences. Which leads me to today’s topic at hand. Brothers and Sisters, I give you THE perfect refrigerator drawer!

    You might think I have lost my ever dieting mind – But there is TRUE UNITY in that drawer full of chicken. White and dark sit side by side without any muss or fuss. This drawer is where right wing and left wing can co-exist in peace without sound bites, finger pointing or negative ads. It’s a judgement free zone where you are free to have a preference and the freedom to pick a breast, leg or thigh, hell even a gizzard if you see fit. There is room for spicy and mild, baked, blackened, broiled or fried. When the day is done and all the votes are counted….it’s all just chicken. Protein just waiting to be paired with some of the best lip smacking sides and delectable desserts to ever cross a paper plate. That is the classic RE-UNION plate of the south. RE-Union…..to bring back together again and again. So yes, life should be like a drawer of chicken….eat what you like and share the rest.

    That is my recipe to success for this world of ours.

    I thank Gerald for the original picture…the drawer was nearly empty when I took mine. And to Paulie for a great reunion of friends in celebration of your birthday.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana Wathen

    Copyright 2016

     

     

     

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  • Happy WEIGHT LOSS Awareness Day!!!…

    pancake29f-1-webBitter? Table for one! Bitter???

    Go ahead – make it a table for two cause I am damn sure I’m not alone.

    Damn you iHop!!! Get thee behind me!!!

    I have no fear – for thou art with me….”Thou” being a stiff cup of coffee and an EAS Vanilla Protein shake for breakfast!

    All you can eat free pancakes…..Ha! I laugh in the face of your monstrous stack!

    I love each and every one of you…even if you show up drenched in creamy butter and gads of sweet syrup!

    Juliana Wathen

    Copyright @2015

  • Living life 8 seconds at a time…..

    thVOHSAJ9TThis week RODEO HOUSTON gets underway and you will find me every fourth night volunteering in the Main Corral Club at NRG Center. To get in the mood I have dropped more than my share of semi-expendable cash at Cavender’s Western Wear, had my boots polished and have spent the evening being a slug watching The American Rodeo on RFD-TV. Giddy up and go cowgirl!!!

    On this dreary Sunday I have lain up in the middle of my pretty-pretty princess bed surrounded by a large assortment of pillows and a sleeping fur ball and watched four-legged and two-legged athletes alike put it all on the line for a buckle and a paycheck. The toughest of the bunch stake their entire existence on just 8 seconds.  8 seconds.

    I started to think just how long 8 seconds must feel like when there is a pissed off 1000lb bull with his nut sack cinched up to Jesus and back, trying like hell to make this is your last day on earth. How many decisions does that cowboy have to make in 8 seconds do you think? His entire life can flash before his eyes, he has time to second guess the bull’s next move and prepare for it and he even has time to think about what the future will hold and how he will spend his money if he makes to buzzer. All in 8 Seconds.

    I feel the pressure some days of all the choices I have and need to make in living this life. Some days I feel like I’ve spent more time tossed to the dirt than riding high. So I sat and pondered, what if I only gave myself 8 seconds to make a choice. What if I only allowed myself 8 seconds when I wake up in the morning to get out of bed? I’d be UP AND MOVING. What if I had to make decisions in 8 seconds on food choices and exercise as if my life depended on it.  Ohhhh wait…it DOES!

    Bells and whistles go off in my head…..I spend too much time having casual conversations with myself day in and day out, rationalizing bad choices. I talk myself out of getting up, getting out and living life. I wait on others to be motivated and use more excuses than a politician seeking re-election. The time has come to COWGIRL UP Ladies!!! Time to take the bull by the horns and make some better choices. I’ll let you know how it turns out!

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana Wathen

    Copyright 2015

  • Follow the Yellow Brick Road…..

    Spotlight Image Wake up Blanche…we’re not in Kansas anymore!
    Today, I’m taking a big step out of the wings and moving center stage into a new adventure. I’m headed up I45 North to the currently frozen tundra of DALLAS for a weekend “Acting for the Camera” boot camp with one of the best known “friend of Dorothy’s” in Hollywood today.

    I’ve got my vitamins sorted, my bag packed and my script in hand!

    I’m not sure where this will lead me but I bet I come back with some hellacious stories and some new skills in front of the camera!
    Quiet on the set ya’ll!!! I’ll be back shortly!

    LAW – Leave the light on!

    I love each and every one of you.
    Juliana

    Copyright 2014 Juliana Wathen

  • I shaved my legs for this?…..

    big-changes It’s hard to believe that there is an unflattering side to losing weight. But there is! And NOBODY, I mean NOOOOOBODY warns you about it. Now, before you go getting your granny panties in a twist, I’m not talking that 10 lbs of “Water Weight” you think you are retaining. I am talking about losing big pounds…75…100…125! Sure, you’re gonna be able to wear smaller clothes, pull your car seat up a few inches or perhaps even come a tad bit closer to fitting into the NORMAL airline seat in coach. But what they DON’T tell you is what can kill ya!

    I’ve been shaving my legs for years…a lot of years! But this weekend, I damn near had to dial 911 for a paramedic. I knew the “landscape” had changed a smidge as I have lost 113 lbs. But it has been pretty gradual so I didn’t honestly give it too much thought. Besides, why the hell would someone need to TEACH me how to shave my legs? For Christ sake. I’m 50 years old. I think I got this!
    And I was gliding along just fine with my hot pink Venus triple blade razor with it’s handy dandy moisturizing strip (which just looks like another piece of plastic to me) till this thing…this…unknown obstacle got in my way. This thing above my foot and below my calf, protruding grotesquely out of the side of my…..OH MY HOLY JESUS!!! I have an ankle!!!! And not just one….I checked the other leg….I HAVE TWO! TWO ANKLES!!!!! And one just happened to be gushing blood like a newly drilled backyard oil well. And I am pretty sure that because of my hot pink Venus triple blade razor with it’s handy dandy moisturizing strip that I was missing not just one, or two but THREE layers of skin to boot!

    Physicians, family and friends, and let’s not forget complete strangers, all whisper about the “Shar Pei” effects on skin after drastic weight lose. But can we just focus on the bigger picture right now. The fact that I FINALLY have ankles and one is drastically SCARED for the rest of my life and I didn’t even have it for more than a month. I hung my head, deflated as I bandaged my new ankle. 😦

    For those who just can’t relate because you have always HAD ankles….let me put it in terms you can understand…You have a BRAND NEW CAR….It’s the one you always wanted – the right color, the best features and you haven’t even had it a month before some asshole in the Wal-mart parking lot pulls his Ford F350 pickup truck into the VERY small parking spot beside you and dings your NEW CAR DOOR getting out of his giant POS! THAT…is how it felt. It’s not like I’m gonna go to the BODY SHOP for a repair. I’m just gonna learn to live with it.

    So me and my battle scared ankle will warn the masses! Who’d have thunk it?

    I still love each and every one of you
    Juliana

    Copyright 2013 Juliana Wathen

  • Getting Hit by a Beer Truck….

    surgeon5bl8So my mom asked me, “Are you getting excited honey?” About what mom?..”Well, your surgery.” ( I’m having gastric by-pass tomorrow) Mom, really? That’s like asking me if I’m excited I’m about to be hit by a beer truck at full speed!….

    No, I am not EXCITED about surgery. I am scared and anxious and could puke my shoes at the drop of a hat.

    I tried to think last night when was the last time I felt so unsettled and uncertain. It was January this year. Opening night of Diary of a Mad* Fat*Woman. I was so scared I was sure I would throw up back stage before I went on.

    When I REALLY thought about it I was a lot more scared that night than I am now. I was afraid of failing and sucking in general. I was putting my life out there in every detail for everyone to judge. And you know what? I did it. I made it through and it was life changing.

    So I will expect no less tomorrow as I put my life out there one more time.

    I’ll see you on the other side…..and it will be life changing.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

    Copy right Juliana Wathen 2012

  • The Final 24…..

    7:00 PM TONIGHT…we enter the FINAL 24 hours before Conroe High School’s Class of 1981-  30 Year REUNION WEEKEND at Sam’s Boat at the Lake. What would Jack Bauer do?  (Cue music)

    To hell with Jack! He got cancelled anyway. What are YOU gonna do?

    It’s a little late to lose 20yrs in 20 minutes but if you wanna pay the premium – be my guest. I’m sure the swelling will go down in plenty of time for the “Most Well Preserved” contest. It’s scheduled to take place just before last call….must be present to win.

    Oh, Look at it this way. If you look like you, only older, we’ll know who you are. If we have to keep asking everybody (and by everybody I mean Lisa Bull)…”Who is that again?” You might as well of stayed home and watched reruns of 24 while downing a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.

    I know everybody can feel a little insecure at times. I’m a little freaked out too. 30 Yrs is a long time! I’ve only kept in touch with a handful of folks. And to be perfectly honest. I didn’t know most people in the school cause it was so dang huge!

    Have you been feeling those little flutters in your stomach all day today? I have. A little quiezy?  Honey, bless our hearts! Feels just like Prom night jitters doesn’t it? Agh… but prom night was a long time ago. Look at the upside. We don’t have to worry about getting stuck with a corsage pin by our date, we don’t have a curfew and if our outfit pops off on the way home chances are it’s because we’re having a hot flash and the last thing we want is for someone to start TOUCHING us. I get it! Relax…It’s gonna be fun!

    SO, what will I be doing during the last 24?  I’ll be  jamm’in to a custom playlist of top 100 songs of 1980-81 while I top of my bag of freshly laundered outfits. I’ve got all the basics covered from party to pool and back again. I’ll scann the FLARE one- more- time just to remind myself of the 80’s era and who apparently did what and when. (It’s like Cliff notes only with pictures) It’s coming back to me slowly but surely.  I’ll check arrival times on all my BFF’s. Paint my toes a festive color! Charge my camera battery and remind Marianne Merritt one more time….BIG GIRL PANTIES AND PJ’S at LORI’S….It’s the LAW.

    I’ll see you there! Travel Safe!

    Juliana

     

     

     

     

     

  • Urban Myths…..And speeding bullets….

    Have you ever heard someone say, “My, My,  mercy. That woman is as big around as she is tall”. Which is quickly followed by some knee slapping, a good belly laugh and maybe a snort or two.

    I’m sure you are all equally, if  not more, familiar with the age-old phrase “curiosity killed the cat”….well, put this puss 6 feet under. My curiosity got the best of me. All those damn “trackers” on the POINTSPLUS with Weight Watchers did me in. I discovered last week that there was not only your POINTS Tracker and an Activity Tracker and a Weight Tracker but down in the right hand corner was a MEASUREMENT TRACKER. Can you see the speeding bullet coming at you. Well, I forgot to duck and seeing as I  have blonde highlights in my hair for the summer  it took me a few days for it to dawn on me.

    My hips measured 63 inches. DANG!!!! I know – SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!

    Someone sent me an email with one of those chinese number bullshit things. Add your current age to the year you were born and no matter what it will be 111. I tried it – it worked, BFD! Then I decided…huh…I wonder what 63 inches is converted into feet?

    Let me just say I started backwards and converted my height into inches just for comparison’s sake. I’m 5’4″ tall. You do the math………..I’ll wait……….if you got 63, you suck at math. If you got 64 then you are correct. And no I am not as big around as I am tall but I’m damn near it!!!

    How many more ways is Weight Watchers going to hold me accountable? For Christ’s sake it’s all on-line. I joined so I wouldn’t have to go to weekly meetings and be held ACCOUNTABLE  at weigh in with a room full of strangers. Damn it! Foiled again!

    Well, the automated Fat Patrol is doing its duty. I’m 3 weeks in and have lost 5% of my body weight. HA! Take that Mr. Tracker….course I only know that because the tracker told me so.

    I love each and every one of you. Watch out for speeding bullets!

    Juliana