Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Category: humor

  • SALE!!!!!…..

    Tomorrow is weigh in day for my Weight Watchers -Scooby Do – Lifestyle change. I have been on a “plateau” for three weeks and I am hoping to bust through and get this ball rolling again.

    I’m still not as active as the “Activity Tracker” would like me to be but I’m working on it. If you got points for laughing your ass off I would have rocked my numbers right off the chart today.

    I went to the Farmers Market today and picked up fresh peaches and strawberries for my sweet momma, Wanda, to work her magic on and make into yummy jams. I had my goodies and pulled out headed North to Conroe and, being frugal, opted to head up AIRLINE to the freeway instead of taking the toll road. This short section of road is called “Crack Alley” for more reason than one. Everybody is peddling one kinda “crack” or another.

    I pulled up to a stop light and glanced to my right and low and behold “Shera” Princess of Power was primping in the dusty, painted over window of a closed down store. I let out an audible OH MY MERCY…….thankfully my windows were up! And then I got the giggles – Bad! Okay – I almost peed myself laughing for the next 5 miles at least.

    You couldn’t fault her – bless her heart. I’ve been preaching for the last year that everyone is beautiful and everyone has value and everyone should feel good in their own skin no matter how thick or thin, pretty or plain.  So in her own way – this bitch was fierce!

    She was rocking her homemade daisy dukes that were so short that the frayed denim threads looked more like fringe across the top of her ..hmmm….cheeks. I swear to Jesus she had to have had those shorts rigged with a trick snap crotch cause there was no way in hell that the remnants of those jeans was coming down over her hips. The multi-colored, one size fits all tube top??? Very appropriate for 102 weather in Houston and the fact that ONE-SIZE was several sizes too small just made it a little thinner …..cooler…around her ample mid-drift. I thought the high heeled Gladiator sandals might have been a bit much for 10am but to each their own I saw worse at Fashion Week last fall on the streets of New York. The 80’s style wig was more than making up for that faux pas.

    My point is…..as I still sit here giggling…is that she was taking pride in her look and primping in the window, applying a new layer of lip gloss and adjusting her ..or somebody’s…hair. She obviously felt good enough about herself to put a price on it and sell it. And she didn’t look like she was starving so I think she must have plenty of buyers.

    Now – I’m not encouraging anyone to put on a “fierce” outfit and hit the streets but by God if we just had a smidgen of her self confidence and were willing to declare our worth to every passing stranger I know some bitches that would be ruling the world!

    Rock on Shera Princess of Power! I’m gonna take some of that fierceness into next week whether  I break thru this “Plateau” or not. I’m not giving up. I’m primping in my own mirror and setting my price! I don’t even care if I get any buyers – I just love a good SALE!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • If the world was ending what would you do…..

    I read on the internet this morning that tomorrow, May 21, 2011  is supposed to be the end of time according to some guy who professes to have done extensive studying of the bible and the Rapture. His name…oh who cares. This guy ( nut job) predicts  May 21, 2011, to be Judgment Day. He came to this conclusion  through a series of Bible-based calculations that assume the world will end exactly 7,000 years after Noah’s flood, believers are to be transported up to heaven as a worldwide earthquake strikes. Nonbelievers will endure five months of plagues, quakes, wars, famine and general torment before the planet’s total destruction in October. In 1992 he said the rapture would probably be in 1994, but he now says newer evidence makes the prophesy for this year certain.

    Well, I made it to Sunday school a few times in my day and I could have sworn it said something about “NO MAN WILL KNOW THE DAY”….so….I’m thinking this guy must be a Drag Queen cause they can’t tell time either.

    So, what would you do if you knew the world was ending tomorrow? I called and asked my mom “St. Wanda” this thought provoking question. She calmly replied. “I’d like to be taking a nap but I’ll probably be cutting your daddies toenails.” I love me some Wanda Glynn!!!!

    Here’s the deal. You have a better chance of being hit by a beer truck going home today than being caught up in the Rapture tomorrow. So do what you should be doing everyday anyway. LIVE, LAUGH and LOVE! That way when your time does come…it just won’t matter a bit cause you’ll be good to go on all fronts!

    Live, Laugh, Love

    I love each and ever one of you

    Juliana

  • Before and After….

    I HATE the before and after pictures the weight loss companies post to entice you to lose weight. Weight Watchers wants to see YOUR starting photo as well.

    Aghh, I just could NOT make myself put on a pair of tights and tank top two sizes too small and take my photo in a mirror of myself slouching and frowning like someone out of camera range had bad gas….You know what I’m talking about don’t cha?

    But just for shits and grins I am posting a casual picture of me at work today. You don’t have to see every bump and ripple to tell I am pretty damn heavy. But what should catch your eye most is not my size but the fact that I am comfortable and happy.

    I am not afraid to show you who I am today, yesterday or who I will become tomorrow. I will not hide away from the world till I am “perfect” for you to see and know. I would rather you see the work in progress.

    I have been up and I have been down in more ways than one. But it is the sum total of all my experiences and encounters that have brought me to this place today and it’s a good place to be. So feel free to follow me on my journey. I can only promise it will never be boring…I DO promise never to post full body shots of me in spandex.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Life is Good!

  • The Power of FEET…..

    Feet…I don’t pay much attention to them except when they are swollen twice their normal size and hurting like a big dog but today, I decided to wear some cute little black flats with my summer outfit of choice. I put them on and did a double take. Eeeewwwwww. Whose feet are these???

    These ragged, rough examples of worn out soles are in serious need of attention. Professional attention!

    Losing weight and feeling good makes you stop and look in the mirror you usually would have avoided. It makes you want to wear the latest seasonal fashions and fads instead of your worn out Target T-shirt and jeans. It’s all about feeling better, being healthy and taking care of the things that keep you moving forward in your life. And FEET are at the top of the list!! They are our foundation. They help us hold our ground or dodge a bullet. They can kick ass when necessary or deliver a flirty message underneath the tablecloth at your favorite restaurant.  So wether you use your feet for function or flirting just remember to take care of what is carrying you through the day.

    So today at lunch- I will munch on my scooby snacks on the way to the salon for a mani-pedi. I’m making time for what is important. ME!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Testing…One…Two…Three….

    Okay – FIRST just let me same this photo made me laugh….you figure it out!

    TODAY is EXAM day. I am going downtown and checking into the Crowne Plaza with LAW and we are going to go to the ASTROS game this afternoon. Then a party tonight and lounging by the pool and massive pampering tomorrow morning before hitting the coast for a late lunch in Surfside.

    I started to pack up my Scooby snacks and then realized “You can’t take your lunch box to the ball park dummy!” 😦

    So, the test this weekend is to see if after 3 weeks of Weight Watchers can I calculate my points from common restaurant and street faire food without taking my lap top computer everywhere I go to log in all my points. MAN!  What happened to the good ole diet days of just sheer deprivation?

    That’s the tricky part of making you RESPONSIBLE for your choices. I can HAVE a ballpark hotdog I just have to count the 10 points. Hmmmm. Maybe not the best choice for 10 points. Oh and BTW….10 points is for the regular dog…not the mega foot-long cheese, chili and jalapeno smothered dog that is my favorite!

    The best thing is that eventually…if I keep passing these random weekend tests, my ass will eventually COMFORTABLY fit in one of those stadium seats.

    The bigger life picture is that making responsible choices is something  you need to learn to do in all aspects of your life every day. Not just your food choices. Remember….If you feel that your life is not your own…then that’s because you made the CHOICE to give it away.  You have to sail your own ship to stay on course. You can’t place the responsibility of your happiness with other people no matter how much you think you need or love them or vice versa. When you spend your life telling other people that their needs matter more than yours then eventually they will believe what you are preaching. Your value on their life meter will diminish because that is what you projected. Your personal sacrifices will not be recognized as you would expect- they rightfully will perceive your actions as YOUR CHOICE.

    I love each and every one of you. And hope you all make great choices this weekend.

    Juliana

  • Slow down Speedy…..

    Much to my amazement and amusement Weight Watchers DOES have police on their POINTS PLUS program. I dutifully entered my weight on Sunday after weigh in into the Weight Tracker and bells and whistle about blew my hair back. Apparently you CAN lose too much weight in a week. Who the hell ever heard of THAT? Certainly no prom girls I know.

    So the POINTS PLUS program admonished me and readjusted my POINTS allowance to slow down my progress. educational windows popped up about the risks of rapid weight loss and the dangers of losing muscle mass and not just fat. I’m thinking – Honey, there is way too much fat there for you to even worry about it hitting my muscle mass yet! But I read on……. Unless you are under a doctor’s care, you should not lose more than 1 to 2 lbs. per week. This is a safe amount of weight that will allow your body to slowly adjust to the changes and you will be more successful at keeping it off. Losing any more weight than that can lead to severe health problems. Well SHIT! I already have health problems.

    So I did a lil research. “Your heart is responsible for pumping blood and oxygen throughout your body. When you gain or lose weight, your heart must adjust to accommodate more or less body weight. Since your heart is a muscle, rapid weight loss or constantly losing and then gaining weight can place a lot of stress on your heart. As your weight changes so does your blood pressure and heart rate. You may also experience irregular heart rhythms and eventually heart failure.”

    Okay – so that makes the whole weight loss issue a little more serious in my mind since I already have Heart Failure and Irregular Heart Rhythms. Slow and steady wins the race. Reality check noted!  

    But I do love me some Speedy Gonzales! So me and Speedy will keep moving forward we just won’t be leaving a dust trail behind us!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • I get the point….

     

     

    I have been running mach 90 with my hair on fire this week! I have worked from 8am – 2am and gotten up and done it all over again. 4 days of non-stop events and more to come over the next three days. The busiest week we have had all year and I am doing it  – cankle free!

    I have managed to take my retro Scooby Doo lunch box with me everyday. I searched for The Partridge Family, Gumby and Bobby Sherman lunch boxes because they were the ones I actually owned in the 70’s but… no luck. The only retro on the shelf at Target was Scooby. SO Scooby it is, filled with all my POINTS for the day…okay – not all my points but most! And I have been able to MAKE time to log my points on the tracker on line.

    It freaks me out at how much I have to eat a day to use up my points. I have points left each night but I have gotten better. Today I only have three points left. I just can’t eat another dang thing.

    Extra temptations surround me everywhere I go when we are so busy. I turned down a wonderful plated dinner at a gala Tuesday night for what was in my Scooby Box. I did the same last night at Tony Valone’s. Today – they delivered 13 piping hot pizzas for the crew so they could keep up the pace for lunch….ohhhh they smelled soooo good. But by eating the things I brought all day, I wasn’t hungry….but Girl, I was still tempted cause it just smelled so dang good and greasy! You feel me don’t cha?

    I always thought Weight Watchers was going to be hard. But it is easy once you get the hang of it. This has been the best I have done and most consistent I have been on watching what I eat in years.

    Oh I still get to play in the kitchen and get creative. Check out the photo of the making of a wrap above.

    Ezekiel Sprouted Grain tortilla with Olive and garlic humus, fresh spinach, 1 slice of white cheddar, 1 slice of Boar’s head turkey breast, cucumbers, tomatoes,onions, bean sprouts, carrots and topped with Wanda’s home-made pepper relish. Yummy wrap I make the night before and put in the fridge till the next day. And it’s less than 8 points.

    I get the point GOD! My best days are yet to come!

    "Julie, Julie, Julie do ya love me?"
    Bobby Sherman- Julie, Julie, Julie do ya love me…..

     

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Strange Days Indeed…..

    I started my day early today and was so thrilled to get the “Coming Soon” Poster from my designer!

    I think it looks great!!! I was driving along today in the Galleria Area after dropping off a project  at a local hotel. I was thinking about the Posters for the show and post cards and web ads when another poster caught my eye. Standing in the median of Westheimer and the 610 Loop was a middle aged homeless man. He had a homemade poster made of discarded cardboard in his left hand and was giving it a shake at passing cars to get attention for a hand out. Not that unusual. These days, you’re doing good to approach any intersection in the city without seeing one or more panhandlers hoping for your stray ashtray change. But something about this guy caught my attention. It wasn’t his witty verbiage or the detailed graphics in sharpie on his sign. What I noticed was in the OTHER hand entirely. As was his attention. You see, our local panhandler was busy texting on his CELL PHONE….Yes, you read that correctly…he was busy TEXTING ON HIS CELL PHONE.

     Galleria traffic must be paying really well these days! If I hadn’t of had my jaw dropped to my feet I would have taken a picture of him with MY cell phone but I was too stunned for words.

    Hell, by next week he’ll probably be set up on the corner with a desk, a lap top and an assistant to shake his sign at the traffic for him.

    THESE are STRANGE DAYS INDEED.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • Weight Watchers….whose watching???

    Alright, I have succumbed to the Jennifer Hudson hype and joined Weight Watchers on line for three months. That was $65.00 out of my budget that just vanished with the click of a keystroke. But there is still nobody WATCHING me…I can still eat what I like. There are no POINTS POLICE lurking behind the counter at the Local Popeye’s Chicken just waiting to bust me and take me down for a calorie violation.  Nope – not even a Meter Reader to issue me so much as a warning for parking at the Baskin Robins. What the hell did I pay for??? Dang it! There are no free rides even when you shell out cold hard electronic cash. I still have to do all the work myself. I have to plan meals and log in every POINT of substinance that passes my lips. And they tricked me – their is an ACTIVITY LOG to go with it….they even expect me to log how much I drink.

    This is like…like…..HOMEWORK! What about my tan time? What about Dancing with the STARS? What about FACEBOOK????

    Okay – I’m done bitching. I know (after finally reading my last hospital report about RESTRICTIONS) that I have to knuckle down and get on the ball. They have finally gotten really nasty about salt – it’s FORBIDDEN….and alcohol…I just don’t even want to talk about it. And after looking up points on a hotdog which remains one of my favorite foods – Well, let’s just say that after adding those points to the POINT TRACKER I wouldn’t be allowed to eat for a week.

    Ho – hum…what’s a beautiful girl to do?…..COUNT Points with Jennifer Hudson I guess. I bet she doesn’t even log in her own points. I bet she  has a personal assistant that logs everything she eats into the POINT TRACKER and sends up a warning when she gets too close to going over budget for the day. Aghhh the life of the rich and famous.

    I love each and every morsel of you

    Juliana

  • Working on my tan lines…..

    It is a commonly held myth that BROWN FAT looks better than WHITE FAT. But I’m not so sure it is a myth. I think a little color looks good on everybody. So I am doing my part to live the myth…..I’m by the pool every chance I get basting up my butterball to see if I can achieve that perfect tan. So far I have only mastered a slight burn, some chaffing and a bevy of freckles that would set Ireland aglow. If my freckles don’t find a way to merge and soon then I am afraid I might get added to the pool activities roster when someone flips me over and starts playing connect the dots with a sharpie. ON second thought…it does beat on-line dating!

    Stranger things have happened!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana