Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Category: Health

  • I shaved my legs for this?…..

    big-changes It’s hard to believe that there is an unflattering side to losing weight. But there is! And NOBODY, I mean NOOOOOBODY warns you about it. Now, before you go getting your granny panties in a twist, I’m not talking that 10 lbs of “Water Weight” you think you are retaining. I am talking about losing big pounds…75…100…125! Sure, you’re gonna be able to wear smaller clothes, pull your car seat up a few inches or perhaps even come a tad bit closer to fitting into the NORMAL airline seat in coach. But what they DON’T tell you is what can kill ya!

    I’ve been shaving my legs for years…a lot of years! But this weekend, I damn near had to dial 911 for a paramedic. I knew the “landscape” had changed a smidge as I have lost 113 lbs. But it has been pretty gradual so I didn’t honestly give it too much thought. Besides, why the hell would someone need to TEACH me how to shave my legs? For Christ sake. I’m 50 years old. I think I got this!
    And I was gliding along just fine with my hot pink Venus triple blade razor with it’s handy dandy moisturizing strip (which just looks like another piece of plastic to me) till this thing…this…unknown obstacle got in my way. This thing above my foot and below my calf, protruding grotesquely out of the side of my…..OH MY HOLY JESUS!!! I have an ankle!!!! And not just one….I checked the other leg….I HAVE TWO! TWO ANKLES!!!!! And one just happened to be gushing blood like a newly drilled backyard oil well. And I am pretty sure that because of my hot pink Venus triple blade razor with it’s handy dandy moisturizing strip that I was missing not just one, or two but THREE layers of skin to boot!

    Physicians, family and friends, and let’s not forget complete strangers, all whisper about the “Shar Pei” effects on skin after drastic weight lose. But can we just focus on the bigger picture right now. The fact that I FINALLY have ankles and one is drastically SCARED for the rest of my life and I didn’t even have it for more than a month. I hung my head, deflated as I bandaged my new ankle. 😦

    For those who just can’t relate because you have always HAD ankles….let me put it in terms you can understand…You have a BRAND NEW CAR….It’s the one you always wanted – the right color, the best features and you haven’t even had it a month before some asshole in the Wal-mart parking lot pulls his Ford F350 pickup truck into the VERY small parking spot beside you and dings your NEW CAR DOOR getting out of his giant POS! THAT…is how it felt. It’s not like I’m gonna go to the BODY SHOP for a repair. I’m just gonna learn to live with it.

    So me and my battle scared ankle will warn the masses! Who’d have thunk it?

    I still love each and every one of you
    Juliana

    Copyright 2013 Juliana Wathen

  • Hiding in plain sight….

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    Much like a hermit crab I have spent my life living in a shell and as time rolled by I would exchange it for larger and larger shells. It was my home, it was my comfort and protection. And with it I was able, for the most part, to hide in plain sight.

    You see, the majority of my life I have been morbidly obese. You would think the larger you are the more people see you but the opposite is true. The larger you are the LESS people see you….let me rephrase that…..the less people WANT to see you. They turn away in stores and elevators as if they are embarrassed for you and rarely speak. It’s a silence you just become accustomed to over time. It’s normal, not being noticed or being glanced over and passed. The silence itself becomes a layer of comfort.

    In December 2012 I shattered my silence by undergoing full gastric by-pass. The weight began to fall away at a steady pass. But let’s face it, when you weigh 320lbs it takes a while for people to notice. So I was able to hide in my shell for a good while longer. It wasn’t until I had lost nearly 80lbs that the change began and my silence was broken.

    I was alone on a hotel elevator having been at a business meeting or something. I honestly can’t remember because it was what happened next that is so solidly burned into my memory. The elevator “dinged”, the doors slid open and several business professional got on. I looked up at them and their gaze met mine and suddenly I realized they were addressing me. “Hi, How are you today?” a gentleman asked…….I stammered, “just fine” , as I backed my ass waaaaaaay into the back corner of the elevator. All the while the voice inside my head screamed, “Holy shit! They can see me!”. Panic set in immediately. No I mean REAL PANIC….as in a PANIC ATTACK.

    I bolted out of the elevator when it reached the lobby and headed to the valet. I passed off my ticket to the young man who ran for my car and I stood there…out in the open…..waiting for my car. I might as well have been standing there butt-ass-naked with a spot light shining down on me because THAT is how exposed I felt in that moment.

    I had to have a good, long discussion with myself when I got home that night. I could choose to hide at home and hold down my couch or I could push myself out the door and join the party. I felt like the hermit crab, soft and vulnerable inside. But the choice wasn’t to shed one shell for another like Hermie the Crab. It was time to accept the fact that I had a life changing surgery for a reason….to live. And the only reason to live is to be SEEN and HEARD.

    So cheers, to “LIVING OUT LOUD”.

    I love each and every one of you
    Juliana

    Copyright 2013 Juliana Wathen

  • Who you calling short?…..

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    So when you drop a ton of weight, one of the drawbacks is on your pocket-book. You gotta buy new clothes some time!
    On Tuesday evening I made my pilgrimage to my local favorite fat store.
    I scoured through the racks of brightly colored summer offerings searching for what had quickly become an elusive and rare pair of black dress slacks. After sifting through jeans, shorts and capris galore I finally I found the golden bar holding the ONLY slacks in the store.I’m a gambler by nature and I hate to try on clothes and mostly, never do, but after 82lbs down the drain it is a necessity for a decent fit.I had one shot and had to get it right.
    I grabbed a few sizes and headed for the dressing room. The first pair was too large, the second I couldn’t pull over my pancake ass but the third was juuuuuuust right. I wouldn’t even have to hem them!!!!
    I wasn’t crazy about the price but it was, after all, a necessity.
    I wrangled a chatty sales associate with a lively “I’m ready to check out , please!” and braced my self to scan my debit card.
    He rang up the slacks and suddenly the price changed on the read out and $20.00 dollars was posted as a discount! “They’re on SALE?” I exclaimed in a girly high-pitched voice reminiscent of a tacky tween.
    YES MA’AM! ALL OUR CAPRIS ARE ON SALE!!!
    😦 My first reaction? I was pissed! I was worried about hemming capris??? Damn it!
    Then I decided the Universe was cutting me a break and I should smile, say thank you and exit the store immediately with my $20.00 discount. I don’t care what you say! I’m not THAT damn short!

    Just saying!

    I love each and every one of you
    Juliana
    Copyright 2013 Juliana Wathen

  • I Got You Babe!…..

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    Without you …..I would not experience Faith

    Without you …..I wouldn’t be challenged to Trust

    Without you…..I would not strive to make the World a Better Place

    Without you…..I would not push myself to get to the Other Side

    Without you…..I would not experience Unconditional Love

    I would not be who I am today without all the experiences, conditions and people that have touched my day to day life.
    It truly is YOU AND ME BABE!

    I love each and every one of you
    Juliana

    Copy Right 2013 Juliana Wathen

  • Still working on the chorus…..

    DrMomma Keep Moving It’s not lost on me that some people actually lose the ability to move forward in life. They become weighted and bogged down in life by the things they spend years struggling and fighting against. They live in a state of unrest. Emotionally, physically and spiritually denied by their own short comings and insecurities. Till finally, they are so accustomed to the dis-ease in their spirit they stop and withdraw behind a solid blindfold. They sit still,convinced that non-movement is the safest course.

    We all can feel stagnant from time to time. These days I find I fight off the cold blindness and the temptation to wrap up in that blanket of insecurity by shuffling my feet. It doesn’t even matter what direction I move in as long as I keep moving. If I go down the wrong road, then so be it! I can always turn around and go back the other way…as long as I keep moving.

    Some people move along with a song in the heart. I’m 50 years old and I’ve got the first verse…I’m still working on the chorus.

    I love each and every one of you
    Juliana

    Copyright 2013 Juliana Wathen

  • Getting Hit by a Beer Truck….

    surgeon5bl8So my mom asked me, “Are you getting excited honey?” About what mom?..”Well, your surgery.” ( I’m having gastric by-pass tomorrow) Mom, really? That’s like asking me if I’m excited I’m about to be hit by a beer truck at full speed!….

    No, I am not EXCITED about surgery. I am scared and anxious and could puke my shoes at the drop of a hat.

    I tried to think last night when was the last time I felt so unsettled and uncertain. It was January this year. Opening night of Diary of a Mad* Fat*Woman. I was so scared I was sure I would throw up back stage before I went on.

    When I REALLY thought about it I was a lot more scared that night than I am now. I was afraid of failing and sucking in general. I was putting my life out there in every detail for everyone to judge. And you know what? I did it. I made it through and it was life changing.

    So I will expect no less tomorrow as I put my life out there one more time.

    I’ll see you on the other side…..and it will be life changing.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

    Copy right Juliana Wathen 2012

  • Keep the good times coming…..

    I know…I know, where the hell have I been? Well, I’ve been living life. What you been do’in?

    I hope you haven’t been waiting on me….or

    Waiting on the RIGHT time to do something…..or, for the RIGHT person to do it with…..or

    The RIGHT moment to do whatever the hell you THINK is gonna make you happy.

    TIME is endless…our time here is not.

    It has been a year since my father passed away. On the one year anniversary of his passing my sweet mother asked if I thought his life was as happy as he wanted.  I replied, “Is anybodies?”

    It made me think for a while about his life. And I thought   “NO” …Though he always seemed to do what he wanted, when he wanted….I don’t believe it was as happy a life as he would have liked.

    It made me think even more .Who is responsible for what we get out of life? The answer was as obvious as the dirty clothes piled on my bedroom floor.  We are….. I am.  So, I am taking ownership of my happiness. I am taking responsibility for my life and it’s outcome.

    LIFE is too short to wait.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright Juliana Wathen 2013

  • The Goldilocks Complex…..

    I must admit. I have lived my life settling for many things that didn’t fit. I have a history of being overly agreeable. I would just deal with what was handed me and go with the flow.

    I wasn’t one to complain if things were too hot or cold, too big or too small, too short or too tall. I settled in life and love.

    In hindsight, I see that I was just glad to have something rather than nothing at all. What I should have done was continue to do just what Goldilocks did…..look for what was JUST RIGHT.

    I’m ready to find the “JUST RIGHT” moments in my life. To do that, I have to be willing to crawl out of the bed that is too short no matter how accustomed to it I have become and put my feet on the floor. It’s time to point my feet towards the door and walk thru it.

    I have 8 days of healthy eating under my belt. I deserve to feel “JUST RIGHT” about losing weight and being healthy.

    I have worked hard this past year to find that “JUST RIGHT” spot in my core and make peace with myself for all the times that I have “SETTLED” in the past.

    What I have discovered is that the more I allow myself to experience those “JUST RIGHT” moments the more I am inclined to pass up the ones that don’t completely fit.

    Everyone deserves to be comfortable in their own skin and happy. You just have to claim it. And sometimes THAT, in itself, can make you feel uncomfortable when you struggle with self worth. The only one keeping you from realizing your own worth ….is you.

    I want what Goldilocks wants. From now on, I will settle for nothing less than “JUST RIGHT” in life and love. Don’t you settle either.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2012 Juliana Wathen

  • By Letting It Go….It All Gets Done…..

    Every day I wake up is another day full of opportunity to make my life a better place to be. My goal is to have peace and prosperity in every direction I turn. The end result?  It’s just a whole hell of a lot easier to live a healthy lifestyle when you are just damn happy to be here.

    Making changes and letting go of the past or negative thinking is a challenge but can be mastered. The pain you feel in your life is merely based on ATTACHMENTS. Attachments can be anything, a person, a place, a situation or even a hurtful word. As long as you remain ATTACHED to the PAIN, the pain will persist. When you spend time focusing on the pain then you amplify it with your energy.When you can honestly LET GO of the attachments you have made and cut the cord  then you will truly be free of the pain and frustration that clouds your day and limits your ability to move forward.

    Making the decision to actually LET GO can be as nerve racking as the final moments standing on  the high dive platform for the first time. Your toes grip the edge of the board – as if they can hold you.You think about the dive. You mull it over in your mind again and again.  Knees together….shoulders square….jump up and out. The closer you get to jumping  the faster your heart races and butterflies swim in your stomach. But once you jump and leave that platform, there is no going back and suddenly you realize you have taken that proverbial leap of faith and placed your thoughts into actions and in doing so – find your freedom.

    The accomplishment is exhilarating.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2012 Juliana Wathen

  • Going to the source…..

    This is my favorite picture from my vacation in Hawaii. My final morning when I took my rental car and headed for the Road to Hana. This picture is special. I keep this picture  in a frame top box on my coffee table to remind me of what is possible.

    That final morning I spotted a small state park on the left of the road at the turn off to Hana. I had been walking on beaches for 5 days, black sand, white sand  – but this one seemed different and I was compelled to find out why. I parked the car and walked past the tree line to the beach. I went to the water’s edge and took pictures of surfers and fishermen and tried to paint this last vista into my memory. I felt an incredible peace that morning. I turned to walk back to my car and saw a man clad only in a short white sarong walking towards me. He moved with great purpose and yet his feet seemed to barely disturb the sand.

    His skin was golden. It glowed and the light seemed to shimmer off his shoulders. I couldn’t really tell if the source was actual sunlight or if the glow radiated  from somewhere deep within his body. And it suddenly occurred to me that I was actually questioning the source of this illumination. So I continued to watch him. There was nothing subtle about my gaze.

    I stood there, transfixed on him as he walked by. He smiled and as he passed I lifted the camera to my eye and began shooting as if it was the most normal thing in the world to do. He walked away from me and up to the tree line which seemed to have a small clearing. He removed his sarong, bowed in reverence to the sun and then sat….and began his morning meditation. I just stood there…watching….this man…this master….center himself and ground his energy to the earth. He was the perfect picture of peace and I could feel it energizing my own body. I knew instantly that he knew who he was , where he had come from and where he was going.

    I never forgot that moment. I had never seen anyone so peaceful in all my life, so centered and so strong in his silence.

    People sometimes go to great lengths to be noticed. Whether they dress to impress or shout out loud, put stickers on their cars or wave banners in the air. The person who got my attention and impressed me the most these past ten yrs has been the man – who walked by and said absolutely nothing.

    I wanna be like him.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen