Rants, Ramblings and General Diary of Juliana Wathen

Archive for September, 2013

I shaved my legs for this?…..

big-changes It’s hard to believe that there is an unflattering side to losing weight. But there is! And NOBODY, I mean NOOOOOBODY warns you about it. Now, before you go getting your granny panties in a twist, I’m not talking that 10 lbs of “Water Weight” you think you are retaining. I am talking about losing big pounds…75…100…125! Sure, you’re gonna be able to wear smaller clothes, pull your car seat up a few inches or perhaps even come a tad bit closer to fitting into the NORMAL airline seat in coach. But what they DON’T tell you is what can kill ya!

I’ve been shaving my legs for years…a lot of years! But this weekend, I damn near had to dial 911 for a paramedic. I knew the “landscape” had changed a smidge as I have lost 113 lbs. But it has been pretty gradual so I didn’t honestly give it too much thought. Besides, why the hell would someone need to TEACH me how to shave my legs? For Christ sake. I’m 50 years old. I think I got this!
And I was gliding along just fine with my hot pink Venus triple blade razor with it’s handy dandy moisturizing strip (which just looks like another piece of plastic to me) till this thing…this…unknown obstacle got in my way. This thing above my foot and below my calf, protruding grotesquely out of the side of my…..OH MY HOLY JESUS!!! I have an ankle!!!! And not just one….I checked the other leg….I HAVE TWO! TWO ANKLES!!!!! And one just happened to be gushing blood like a newly drilled backyard oil well. And I am pretty sure that because of my hot pink Venus triple blade razor with it’s handy dandy moisturizing strip that I was missing not just one, or two but THREE layers of skin to boot!

Physicians, family and friends, and let’s not forget complete strangers, all whisper about the “Shar Pei” effects on skin after drastic weight lose. But can we just focus on the bigger picture right now. The fact that I FINALLY have ankles and one is drastically SCARED for the rest of my life and I didn’t even have it for more than a month. I hung my head, deflated as I bandaged my new ankle. 😦

For those who just can’t relate because you have always HAD ankles….let me put it in terms you can understand…You have a BRAND NEW CAR….It’s the one you always wanted – the right color, the best features and you haven’t even had it a month before some asshole in the Wal-mart parking lot pulls his Ford F350 pickup truck into the VERY small parking spot beside you and dings your NEW CAR DOOR getting out of his giant POS! THAT…is how it felt. It’s not like I’m gonna go to the BODY SHOP for a repair. I’m just gonna learn to live with it.

So me and my battle scared ankle will warn the masses! Who’d have thunk it?

I still love each and every one of you
Juliana

Copyright 2013 Juliana Wathen

My Castle….My Kingdom….My World…..

1170840_10201895592298430_1342804037_n Think….outside the Tower!..
As I expand my thoughts about myself and the world I live in, the larger my world becomes. It dawned on me yesterday in a quick trip to the local grocery store that the more I am SEEN the more I see others. And that THEY like ME may feel invisible to the outside world. So yesterday I lifted my head and became an observer. I met peoples glances and I smiled. Sounds small…..but it was a step out of my castle and into the Kingdom. I roamed the aisles in search of this and that to add to my basket….the experiment gave way to a “Good morning” in the vegetable department as I perused the raspberries on sale. “Please, after you”, followed by a giggle as I rounded the frozen food section a little too fast and had to slide to a halt to avoid a collision of carts with a tinnie tiny, blue-haired lady. On to the diary dept. and the cheese glorious cheeeeeese…. And then I saw her. I mean I SAW her…..and for a moment she SAW me. She quickly looked to the floor and then darted her eyes over the gads of “GREEK” yogurt selections in front of her….never glancing up too high, her shoulders rounded in and I saw her try to become SMALL right before my eyes.

But it was too late. I HAD SEEN HER! And I wanted her to know what I saw. She was tall and dark skinned, her hair swept up and away from a soften middle-aged face. She was wearing a white cotton shirt dress with buttons down the front and a full circle skirt like June Cleaver used to wear on Leave it to Beaver. She shuffled her feet and as I passed closer to her she lifted her gaze for just a second. I smiled at her and said, “I love that dress, you just look gorgeous today!”….. I recognized the look on her face. It wasn’t shock that I complimented her….It was shock that she was seen. It took a moment then I could see the tension flow down and out from her body head to toe and she stood a little taller, squared her shoulders and smiled. She said “thank you” in a soft voice….But it was if she was thanking me for so much more than a casual compliment. She THANKED me for giving her a gift. The gift of seeing her.

I put the oxygen mask on myself and then I assisted others…..just like the flight assistant said I should!

I love each and every one of you

Juliana

Copyright 2013 Juliana Wathen

Into my dreams…..

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You visit me in my dreams. Dreams so vivid and real that for a brief moment the dream becomes reality and I am totally immersed in the time, taste, and smells surrounding me. Emotions are more intense and swell unrestrained by any insecurity or proven past history. My true reality seems like a distant childhood memory clouded over by a low, ground hugging fog that I dare not stir. I feel the pull between the two worlds and I can sense the end is approaching and I fight to stay longer and FEEL more, EXPERIENCE more, LIVE more. I begin to panic and tell myself to “Find the key”…Find the key that will bring me back here.

In my desperate attempt to  “Find the key”….I panic and open my eyes. The veil is lifted and I am here. I feel empty and alone……

So I get up and do what I always do….make my first cup of coffee…turn on the morning news….check Facebook for the latest gossip and news….line up my vitamins and medications….and ponder the message and meaning of my dream.

It dawned on me that I had to do nothing to enter the dream. It came to me. I had not carried the fears, rules and restrictions I had engrained into my life with me to this new place. I had not consciously set them down, they just no longer existed….I was happier than I had ever been. Everything seemed enhanced. My sight was sharper, my heart was fuller and I could experience everything around me with increased appreciation. It was only when I began to worry about  losing all that I was experiencing that I felt the pull and weight of reality and waking consciousness.

Dreams are our training ground….a chance to experience all that we are and all that we can be when we let go and live in the moment. Moments we don’t have to create, manage or manipulate to bring about.

There is a saying I have heard all my life “Let go and Let God“…Let go and allow the perfectness that is within you to manifest the perfectness around you.

I love each and every one of you.

Juliana

 

Copyright 2013 Juliana Wathen

 

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