Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Month: August 2011

  • Love Spell…..

    I admit. It ain’t easy being me. LIFE is simple, it’s just not always easy. And there in lies the rub. I’m not talking about the annoying RUB that happens when you forget to wear your bicycle shorts under your skirt either. You know what I am talking about, some of us have issues. Especially in this 110 degree heat. A big girl’s rubenesque thighs, when darting to the BOGO at Lane Bryant, can rub together with enough friction and force to set off a small forest fire for sure. And HELLO….haven’t you heard? There is a BURN BAN. Yet another reason to tend to your bits and pieces and keep your yard work done! Just saying!

    Oh, sorry…my thighs took me off track.

    LIFE is simple. Change is SIMPLE. Neither is EASY.  WTF?  Right?

    Example #1: I AM NOT A HOARDER! But why do I find it so hard to bag up a whole entire drawer of belts that I never wear, that do not fit and even if they did I wouldn’t wear. Some are extra cheap and came with outfits, some I bought during my “Cowgirl” stage and some I’m sure are leftovers discarded and left behind by more than one ex-lover…It’s SIMPLE – Bag and tag. DONATE.

    Example #2: I have a bottle of LOVE SPELL from Victoria Secret that my ex-lover gave me when we were dating, you know…that whole “spray this on your pillow and think of me” bit. I’m not too proud to say I did just that on more than one occasion but since we are no longer together and haven’t been for more than a year it just seemed cheesy. It sat on my dresser for ever….then I dared to actually wear it myself cause I do really like the way it smelled. And yes…I did worry that someone would NOTICE that I smelled like HER and look at me like I had two heads. Of course that never happened. Today, I used the last of it and should have just tossed the bottle….but….but….but…..I couldn’t do it. Sounds pretty SIMPLE though right? Throw it away! It’s not like I collect empty containers…shampoo and mouthwash bottles do not line my driveway! And it’s not like she’s going to come back some day and want to know where her toothbrush, belt and body splash went!  I know without a doubt that I won’t ever buy LOVE SPELL body splash for myself. Though the thought of going into a Victoria Secret store at the mall and watching the sales girl’s face fall when I walk in to SHOP is pretty priceless since nothing in the store could cover my left tit. I KNOW: Bag it – tag it – toss it.

    Example #3: I already know that if I take the time to pack all my Scooby Snacks and eat properly every day that I FEEL better. I know that it is important to keep up with all my medications for this and that. I know I need to exercise to keep ahead of the game as much as possible. I know that I’m on a short leash here….but I still find it hard to make the TIME to make it important. The simple thing is TIME already exists. It’s not something I have to make up. The program is easy. The process is easy. The time is there. Why is it when you put it all together it just seems so difficult? Bag it – tag it and pack it up!

    Having the perception that ANY of these things is HARD is a conscious choice on my part and a battle that I have created within myself. Change is simple -just let go.  Life is simple….be the change you want to see in the world. Don’t wait for the world to change to join the ride or you will most certainly miss the party!

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

  • Prayers and Angels…..

    It is in the half clouded moments before I awake, in the morning hours before dawn, that I see things the clearest with my minds eye. I have a deep rooted sense of calm. I know firmly who I am. I have no fear or trepidation. I don’t know want or lack. I don’t feel the need to look around me, forward or back. The urgency of the world is not just held at bay…it does not exist.

    It is here that I feel you, above me, below me, beside me and behind me. I feel the arms of a thousand angels wrap me in a soft warm blanket of serenity. And I know that I am loved, held in the balance of so many hands. Whispers fill my ear and flow directly to my heart like life’s blood. I know who you are. I know why you are and it is good.

    Prayers and angels I send back to you. Thanks for the loaner.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • Blue days…..

    Blue days have a way of sneaking up on me. I guess I looked as pitiful as a kitten who couldn’t go out to play yesterday afternoon. The A/C was out when I got home and the maintenance worker dropped by to check it out. He has been to my unit several times before since I moved in last December and he is sweet as he can be and no bigger than a minute. Lucky for him there isn’t a maintenance man chart that says , “Must be this tall to be a repair man”, or he would have been in some serious trouble. We exchanged the normal niceties and he went about his chores. He changed the filter and added freon and soon I was good to go.

    He climbed down from his ladder and stood there wiping his hands on his rag. He stashed the rumpled fabric  in his hip pocket, lifted the ladder and started to go but hesitated, set down the ladder  and asked me very politely if not in perfect English, “Ma’am, do you mind I tell you something?”…I thought he was going to tell me how to program the damn computerized thermostat or how to save on my electric bill. Instead he looked me straight in the eye and said in the most loving voice.

    “Ma’am, I always like seeing you in the hallways  and always love come to your unit. When I walk in, is refreshing with clean smells, energy  and happiness. Today, I think you are no happy. I come in the door and I don’t feel your smile. Please, take time and put you beautiful smile back on, for me, please. So beautiful you’re smile. Makes everyone happy to see.”

    Wow, a repair man AND a therapist. Talk about amenities! Do I know where to live or what?

    In less than 24 hours of coming home from a great weekend I had slid right into a BLUE DAY.

    I am forced to face yet another round of doctor appointments for a heart that just can’t seem to find a beat. At least, not a regular one anyway. I’ve put it off for weeks busy riding the wave of life! But the wave crashed the shores and I have run out of excuses to ignore it any longer. The worse side effects of an abnormal heart beat are the water retention and the over whelming feeling of being just too damn tired to move. So I laid on the couch and thought about what my little man had to say.

    He didn’t “feel my smile” last night cause I just couldn’t find one. It had left the building. Getting it back, I realize, is just a choice away. A decision to change how I feel inside and out. To be thankful for what I have. I have more than some and less than many but always plenty to share. To love the people who love me and bless those that don’t and yes, there are actually a few out there. To appreciate the moments and live in the now cause yesterday is just a memory that will fade with time.  For every day is a gift…Some days you need a bow, shiny paper and even some curly ribbons  to wrap it up and make it look pretty….but it is a gift none the less.

    I love each and every one of you. If you weren’t in my life there would be no life worth having.

    Juliana

    Copyright 2011 Juliana Wathen

  • From here to there and back again…..

    Footloose and fancy free…that is me! It seems I just can’t enough of you guys! I can cram more living into one weekend than a nun on a “hall pass”!

    Thanks go out to everyone who cheered me on at the Auditions for The Biggest Loser in Austin, Texas this weekend. I was so busy laughing all day I barely snapped a photo. Here it is in a nut shell. Imagine 600 overweight people lined up around a building in 100+ degree heat….We were sitting stuffed ducks on the water. Marketers from Medi-fast and Quick Weight Loss Centers weaved in and out of the crowd passing out promo laden water bottles and taking surveys. The best though was the taco truck that just kept circle the block like a shark on a seal colony. He smelled blood in the water and wasn’t leaving till he had emptied his truck! He had probably watched the morning news and heard the sound bite: Biggest Loser contestants will be lining up at the Lone Star Center.….he started seeing big, fat, juicy dollar signs $$$$$$$  and was out the door before he could even get his boxers on.

    8 hours in line led to a 5 minute interview with one casting assistant and 9 other contestants. We were asked as a group and answered down the line…name, age and occupation….then “how much do you want to lose?”….every one answered and we moved on to how many watch the show and have you entered before….finally she asks where is the best place to eat in Austin???? Thank you very much everyone – we’ll be calling you if you made call backs! It reminded me of the hand shake you get at the end of a dull date instead of a kiss….”I’ll call you”……….Sure!

    I had shown them the most I could in the shortest amount of time possible. My composite photo attached to my application showed more than anything, in fact it showed everything; community involvement, out-going, daring, social and cute as a button!!!

    But alas, we did not leave there with a lot of hope.  Gayle and I opted for Margarita’s at Chuy’s  instead of sitting by the phone and pining the evening away waiting on a call back.  My sweet friend Lisa joined us and I followed her home to Dripping Springs like a little lost puppy. I have dubbed her home, Club Venturini! The Italian egg breakfast was FAB-U-LOUS…..eat your heart out BIGGEST LOSER!

    Sunday meant time to hit the road. I needed to make it to “CHURCH” at Lake Conroe for the early evening services with the girls…and it was 4 hours away! My lil zoom-zoom car carried me along the Texas highways just fine…..The radio was blaring hits from the 80’s and I sang away, windows down and my hair whipping around me like crazy. I giggled at myself more than once cause I was having so much fun. I was footloose and fancy free….subject to my own whims and led by my own desires. Life is good and it will only get better.

    I AM the BIGGEST WINNER. The weight I have lost this last year has been mental. I’ve worked hard to release the past and let go of the hurt and the anger that came with it. It’s something I still work on everyday. But I just keep telling myself. Everyday is a gift! Live each one like it’s your last and you would be amazed how incredible your life becomes.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana