Rants, Ramblings and General Diary of Juliana Wathen

Archive for July, 2011

Go see GOD!…..

Meditation Flash Mob…..who knew???  I saw the notice on Facebook and went on a whim after work. I knew it would be hotter than hell and that I would have to  do some walking to get there but I put on my big girl panties, grabbed my pretty pink yoga mat and went to Allen Parkway.

I found a parking spot about three blocks away. I didn’t realize till I started walking that my little jaunt was all uphill. I huffed and puffed and made my way to the site and was dang glad I brought a bottle of water when I finally got there.

I thought this would be a good time to try to focus on life and pray for those that are hurting in the world. I also thought I might get a glimpse of what I truly was looking for here in on earth. So I spread out my mat and tried to get comfortable. And I tried….and I tried some more. You see – I know HOW to meditate. I’ve been doing it for years. But I am usually in a chair or laying down at the end of the day. But I was having a tiny, weenie problem today….I couldn’t really cross my legs and sit pretty like everybody else.

All these vibrant, spiritual types had come to the park with nary a care as to HOW they were going to meditate. They just were going to do it! So, I got as comfortable as I could on the grassy spot I had claimed as my own.  I did just fine for the first 15 minutes….then my feet fell asleep….damn it. So I moved very quietly and found a new position and resumed my mantra. I tried to focus on my upcoming trip this weekend to audition for America’s Biggest Loser and asked for guidance on what I might say to casting agents. Before I came up with any insight and ant had gnawed on my ankle. I popped open my eye’s and in a flash I sent that lil bugger to go see God a bit sooner than nature had probably intended. Namaste.

I settled back in and gave it one more try…another 15 minutes in and my back was killing me, my butt cheeks were numb and a mosquito had decided to whisper sweet nothings in my ear. I threw in the towel. I hoisted myself up and sat on a statue base, took a few pictures as the sun was setting and gathered my things for the walk back to my car. Thank GOD it would all be down hill.

So it was an interesting experience. I got out. I did something new. I met some new people. I was a little disappointed that I didn’t have an AH HA! moment and then it hit me. I knew how to pray for every one else in the world but I was forgetting to LISTEN.

Prayer is talking to GOD, MEDITATING is listening for an answer…I had my answer all along from the minute I sat down.

So when the casting agents ask me WHY I want to be on America’s Biggest Loser… the answer is simple. I wanna be able to cross my legs!

I love each and every one of you!

Juliana

Copyright 2011 Juliana M. Wathen

Amazing Grace…..

My life…My life has been filled with an immeasurable amount of grace in the past year. I am humbled and I am grateful. God didn’t put eyes in the back of my head for a reason. I accept that my past and the sum total of all my experiences makes me who I am today. But I don’t have to dwell on where I have been to see where I am going. Amazing Grace…how sweet the sound. It saved a soul like me. And so I was able to sing the old hymn for Randy’s Celebration of Life tonight. It was a great party. I’m sure he was proud. We were sure proud to have known him.   

I love each and every one of you, but tonight…..I sang for Randy. I hope you don’t mind.

   Juliana




Life in a box…..

I never realized how many people live “inside the box”, sheltered and protected from life’s judgements,  till I started asking questions. And all I asked for was their STATS. You know….Hair color, eye color, height and weight….

In response to yesterday’s post I received stats on only 8  people out of 109 readers. They all answered the first three stats.  Only 6 posted where everyone could see….2 people sent me a private email. BUT of those, not everyone filled in weight. There were however some very creative responses.

Weight: Enough

Weight: More than enough

And the winner is        Weight: A Hundred and Plenty.

For those few that OWNED it – YOU ROCK!

You would think that people would be more open these days. They post everything about their lives on Facebook and I do mean EVERYTHING. Everyone wants you to “Copy and re-post” their latest causes. There are major debates about politics and religion….which I can remember all my days being told in the South you NEVER discuss politics or religion in mixed company. Course, I never was real clear if  “mixed Company” meant Republicans & Democrats or men & women….Still don’t know…ha! and don’t care so much.

If you think people divulge too much info on FB then check an on-line dating site.There are bra sizes 36 B or 42DD and “supposed” male endowments…but ask them how much they weigh and they run screaming from the chat room like a little girl. Makes me giggle!

I’m not sure what they think they are hiding…I can spot a size 18 or a 48 regular a hell of a lot quicker than I can tell their eyes are blue. IT’S JUST A NUMBER FOLKS!!!  IT DOESN’T DEFINE YOU!

So, not only did I POST my stats yesterday. 296 lbs if you missed it. I took it a bit further…How? Hmmmmmmm. Where would over a million people be able to see my numbers every week? Every bump and every bulge EXPOSED?

You got it! I applied on-line to Americas Biggest Loser today and I am going to take my big blues eyes to Austin, Texas on Saturday to meet with the Casting Team. Doesn’t matter if I get cast or not. It just matters that I am choosing to live OUTSIDE THE BOX. Better yet…I’m choosing to live.

I love each and every one of you

Juliana

Copyright 2011 Juliana M. Wathen

BIG DOGS…..

Mark Twain said it best. “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, It’s the size of the fight in the dog”.

Well, what can I say? This bitch….which I mean with the sincerest form of canine flattery, is not giving up yet!

I haven’t weighed in for the last three weeks…which if Weight Watchers was really earning their money and  watching me they would have known and reported to the proper dietary authorities. But since I heard no bells and whistles nor did I see the food police hanging out in front of my very secure apartment, I must have gotten away with the 21 day furlow.

All is not lost my lil chickas! I have my new Bobby Sherman lunch box to inspire me back to dietary greatness! But that of course means the dreaded  WEIGH IN.

I noticed that my precious lil Bobby had his stats printed  on the side of the lunch box. Somehow I felt closer to him just knowing his parent’s names, that he had a sister, where he was born and of course his height, weight, hair and eye color. Ha! That little smidge on information really did satisfy the quizzical desires of a 7 yr old  back in 1970 didn’t it? And bless his heart, 5’9″ tall and only 135lbs….I could break him like a twig with just one hug.

ANYWAY….If lil Bobby…and a do mean little…could put up his stats up for the world  to see then what the hell. I can too.

This may not be pretty but here goes.

                  JULIANA

Juliana Marie Wathen

January 4, 1963

Born : Tulsa, Oklahoma

Parents: Wanda and Denver Wathen

Siblings: Irby, Denise, Vern and Fred

Height: 5’4″                           Weight: 296 lbs

Hair Color: Lady Clairol            Eye Color: Blue

Wow….I feel better already. I don’t think I’ll ever weigh 135lbs but I’m sure gonna give it my best shot to keep on keeping on. I’m fighting the battle for a healthier me. I’ve got a lot on my plate so to speak and it ain’t chicken!  I took up Weight Watchers in April and my starting weight was 310. I got down to 290 three weeks ago so hopefully I can regain my ground and keep on going.

Just remember, If you can’t run with the big dogs…..stay on the porch!

I love each and every one of you

Juliana

 

Copyright 2011 Juliana M. Wathen

Weightless moments…..

I empty my mind and wait for the feeling of weightlessness to wash over me. Movement becomes more fluid. Breathing becomes less necessary, butterflies bounce around my stomach and time stands still. It feels like it will never end.

Memories of weightlessness flood my mind.

I remember when I was a little girl  how I loved the swing sets. The drive and determination to swing higher and higher possessed me. What joy awaited you in that perfect moment when you were as high as high could go and just before falling back to earth….you were weightless. Hanging in the moment in time and space.

When I was a teenager I had pneumonia and had been home in bed for several days. After a whole evening racked with a cough I fell asleep. That evening, I became aware of an incredible sensation. I was floating above my bed and had the presence of mind to assess my situation. I ran thru a mental checklist. Yes, I was still in my bedroom. No, I no longer felt pain or fatigue. I was neither hot nor cold and I found it amusing that I no longer needed to breathe. I felt a smile in my heart and it crept across my face. I was most content with my new found situation. Summoned by the silence, my mother came to my room and immediately called for my father. I remembered thinking…”No, Go Away – I’m fine”, but I suddenly felt like I had been grabbed and thrown to the floor. A rush of air filled my lungs and the pain was so intense I was certain my lungs would burst. I was home. I was awake. I was weightless no more.

The sensation eluded me up until 4 days before my 22nd birthday. It was New Years Eve and we had been blessed with the vacant yet well stocked home of a friend’s “out of town” parents. We were told to make ourselves at home. Which we promptly did. My best friend and I were there with guys that were friends from high school that we each had some sizable interest in. After all…it was New Years Eve. We played with Oreo the house dog and drank from the wet bar all night. I’m sure we danced and joked for hours but you see I don’t remember it that much. At the stroke of midnight my best friend grabbed my hand and pulled me close to her and kissed me..long and hard.  I had never been kissed by a girl before. I couldn’t feel the floor. The butterflies in my stomach seemed to lift me right off my feet. Time stood still and the noise of the midnight revelry gave way to silence. I thought to myself how amazingly soft her lips were. How sweet her breath. i could stay there forever in that embrace. In the moment of that kiss I discovered who I was. And I was weightless and finally free.

There are more weightless moments to come in my life.  Moments that will suspend me in time and lift my feet off the floor. Life is a ride. Won’t you ride it with me.

I love each and every one of you

Juliana

Copyright 2011 Juliana M. Wathen

Becoming Weightless…..

The closer you get to the end of your life the more concentrated the experience and memories of the past become. Our greatest moments of happiness seem like they just happened yesterday and the deepest wounds lay fresh, open and bleeding.

So I am finding in the final days with my father. He can’t tell you how old he is or what he had for dinner but continues to boast of his years abroad and the luxuries he allowed himself . Luxuries that left his family neglected emotionally, physically and financially. My mother has stayed for 54 yrs despite our best attempts at encouraging her to leave. Now he takes great pains to make sure we understand she stayed and “He won”.

I thought all these years she stayed because of the mind game he played. If you love me you won’t complain. If you love me you’ll tolerate my infidelity. I you love me money won’t be an issue. If you love me you’ll keep a home for me to return to. If you love me you’ll take care of me when I am sick and old. If you love me you will sit home and wait…and wait…and wait. I know now that it wasn’t the promises she made to him or for him. She promised GOD she would stay. She would honor the vows she made that day because THAT was who SHE was and who SHE needed to be to break thru to the other side.

I stood in the cross hairs yesterday, the target of my father’s dissatisfaction. I stood behind his wheelchair as he boasted to strangers how great his life was inspite of having horrible children. He pointed me out specifically and told them “She’s been trouble for 54 years”….I pointed out I was only 48…He said it didn’t matter I was trouble before I got here. He went on with his rant telling those that would listen that we tried to take away his wife… But she was still here. Like a TV evangelist he claimed his victory. He was the winner…and I was the loser. He was better than me and he could prove it. “NOBODY WANTED TO MARRY YOU”, he said.

I’d hand enough and wheeled him back inside and left him in the care of my mother and nurses. After two days of treatment he was able to go back home one more time, terminal, but not yet ready to leave this world.

I took them home, Denver and Wanda, and left for the solace of my own home immediately. I was still shocked and hurt by the venomous rant and tent revival testimony he shared with people in a hot parking lot. I pulled my car to the shoulder and reached out to the one person I still crave comfort from but it was not there. Only the Statement. “It’s not about you“.

Wanda had a love once and promised God she would stay. I had a love once and promised God I would pray.

The script was similar.

If you love me you’ll stay faithful and allow me to stray.

If you love me you’ll do all things my way.

You’ll hide in the shadows where no one will see, you’ll allow me to be who I want to be.

You’ll understand my needs and know they come first

You’ll tolerate the shame and all of the hurts

You’ll give up your friends and come when I call.

You’ll take what I give you, if you love me at all.

I didn’t live by the rules and she threw me away.

Yet it was still her comfort that I craved today.

One promised to stay; One promised to pray.

We’ve each learned our lessons, different hours, different days

We strive to become weightless

In our own time, in our own way.

You are correct, It’s not about me. It’s not about fathers and daughters, or mothers and lovers. It’s not about the have’s and have not’s you get in life. It’s about setting down that bag of rocks and leaving behind the burden. To honor the GOD within and lay down the prayer on a path in front of you of peace, guidance and perfect understanding in all things.

It’s about becoming weightless.

I love each and every one of you

Juliana

“IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU”……


You’re right……… It’s not about me…..it’s about moments and getting through to the next one.

AND THIS TOO SHALL PASS

Life is a lesson….I hate home work.

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