Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…..

Month: June 2011

  • Slap my ass and call me Daisy…..

    During my “quiet time” at the pool this afternoon I got to thinking. Hmmmmm. They say that everyone should have a spiritual animal guide, I wonder what animal I would  get  for a guide today? …Immediately I had a vision of a cow  ( a very cute cow) chewing it’s cud.

    CUD : “Food regurgitated from the first stomach to the mouth of a ruminant and chewed again”. It’s a digestion thing.

    Seems I have been regurgitating some emotional hay and having to chew it up all over again this week to get it down my gullet and out the other end. So, after swimming 5 laps (yes 5 and they aren’t baby laps either – the pool is 75 ft long…I counted the tiles.) ANYWAY – I  heaved up on the lounger to multi-task and soak up some late afternoon sun and meditate.

    I named every emotion that plagued me this week. Guilt, blame, shame etc and I mentally attached 10 lbs per word and laid them on a spiritual alter of sorts. When I had purged my list I envisioned setting the alter a flame and sending all that negative energy and the weight  that burdened me from it up in smoke. I struck the match, I lit the flame and THAT ladies and gentleman is how you start a grease fire!  Wow!!!!! Damn good thing there’s not a burn ban in the spiritual world cause that mother went UP! Oooooohhhh. The curse of  the creative mind. Meditation time was over and I swam another 5 laps and snorted water up my nose laughing at myself and nearly drowned.

    Meditation isn’t for everyone. 20 yrs ago we included my brother, Vern, in a guided meditation class I was hosting. The teacher that night asked us all to go within. Follow the journey and the sound of his voice. Walk in a cave and then out into a glen. When you stand in the glen you were to call forth your animal guide from the tree line and he would emerge…you could ask him a question…blah blah.. he would take you to the SON/SUN for a gift etc….Afterwards we went round the group and asked about each others experience. When it came Vern’s turn to “Share” the teacher asked him.

    Well Vern, Did you find the glen?

    “Yes sir”  -he said with his hands folded lightly on his lap.

    Goooood, Vern, did you ask for a spiritual guide to emerge from the tree line?

    “Ugh huh, sure did”, he had a grin on his face like he had really learned something important which surprised me.

    And did you ask him to take you to the SON/SUN?

    Vern quickly blurted out – from a very spiritual place all his own – “Hell no! It was a 12 point buck. I shot that mother. Course, I knew you hippie folks was medi-tating so I shot him with my bow and arrow. Right through the heart. That wiley rascal never knew what hit him!

    Word to the wise…..when trying to  enlighten a redneck…… use a high beam spotlight. And when working thru the issues that you are sure you already processed and digested  – don’t be surprised if you don’t have to go back and spend some time chewing your cud to get it all to go down for good.

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

  • OH, Oh, Oh Pick Me!!!…..

    Sometimes it’s just nice to have a little validation once in a while. I have been working on my prayer and mediation for the last year or so as a tool to restore my true self and replace the chaos and scattered thoughts with balance.  Heal the mind and the body will follow.

    Ya see, it’s kinda like this. Prayer is talking to God, boy I can chew his ear off….Meditation is listening quietly (shhhhhhh)  for the answer….which is the part I suck at most. But, I have not given up. I work with visualizations and mantras and strive to focus, focus, focus – SQUIRREL! – Focus, Focus, Focus.

    I buy books to read and then read them a little at a time.Yes, A little at a time. I told you I have focus issues!

    Today I picked back up “A Course in Weight Lose” and thumbed to a new chapter and low and behold if Marianne Williamson isn’t suggesting the same style meditation I thought I came up with all on my own. See, even God hedges his bets and plants seeds of thought to a whole slew of people and just sits back to see who actually “gets” it enough to put it out there to everyone else. Kinda like charades. ANYWAY…..

    I had been visualizing. Seeing myself filled with light and have been telling every cell in my body that if it doesn’t serve a positive function in running the physical machine that it may be excused and return to the SOURCE. I thank it for it’s service , all very polite of course and release it as I have done with fear, blame, guilt and other negative energies I have held onto for so long.

    Well Marianne has a little fancier version  – she suggests you see yourself lying on a beautiful, smooth, white marble slab surrounded in light. Call me crazy but after three heart attacks I’m thinking the last thing I want to think about is being laid out on any kind of slab..even marble….too close for comfort. But the rest of her meditation was pretty close. She suggests a spiritual surgeon to remove the part of you that does not serve you any longer and that he carves away the weight with white light like a razor and the weight just falls away. You are blessed and cleansed blah blah blah. You get it right. So it was just a nice validation that someone out there was thinking along the same lines as I was. Gold Star for me!

    I already new I was a winner this morning cause I fit in a pair of pants I hadn’t worn in a year. COMFORTABLY fit…not even a squeeeeeze.

    I quickly posted my success on Facebook this morning and the “Congrats” came all day. I AM A WINNER!!!!!! It would be awesome if the Universe just passed out beautiful blondes as a prize for all my hard work and perseverance …(heavy sigh) …. but I’ll settle for a huge chunk of my friends patting my back and spouting encouragement in cyper space any day. It’s too hard to focus with pretty blue eyes staring at you anyway.

    I celebrate being healthy, being balanced and bringing myself into a truer representation on the outside of who I am on the inside.

    I love each and every one of you. But today…I love my Liz Claiburn jeans just a little bit more. 🙂

    Juliana

     

     

     

  • THAT’S LOVE BABY!…..

    I would like to be light as a feather on the breeze, easily turned this way and that, floating free on the wind that pushes me upward and onward.

    Losing weight is not just about your body. Healing the body is just a cosmetic approach and doesn’t guarantee the mind will follow.   That is why so many people gain back the weight they fought so hard to lose. Heal the mind and the heart and the body will transform and mold to the new thought patterns you establish.

    Weight is not just on the outside. Weight is the load your heart carries everyday of anger, judgement, guilt and blame. These emotions bind us in chains and will sink us into the deep if we don’t let go. It is only through FORGIVENESS that you can lighten your load and ease your burden.

    Many times in life a friend or loved ones will lash out and hurt us. And we have done the same to them but it is easier to forget what impact we may have had on them and focus our own pain. We are all to blame. We don’t trust because we ourselves at one time weren’t trust worthy. We don’t forgive because we are afraid we can’t be forgiven. But to move on in life is to realize the beauty and love that is in each individual and realize we all have acted out of fear from time to time.

    Forgiveness is NOT a twelve step program. You don’t have to write a letter, or go to group to make amends. Just give yourself the time to turn within and envision the person who hurt you and then see the light of God fill them from head to toe and spread out from their body. Imagine yourself beside them, the light filling your own body and radiating outward.  Look into that light. That light will glow so brightly that all you will see is the radiance that was meant to be all along. The two lights will overlap and become one. It’s love baby. It’s what you are – it’s what they are. You are equal in God’s eyes. Forgive yourself at the same time you forgive everyone else. Lighten your load. Don’t judge – don’t blame. Heal your heart. And your body will follow.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

  • SALE!!!!!…..

    Tomorrow is weigh in day for my Weight Watchers -Scooby Do – Lifestyle change. I have been on a “plateau” for three weeks and I am hoping to bust through and get this ball rolling again.

    I’m still not as active as the “Activity Tracker” would like me to be but I’m working on it. If you got points for laughing your ass off I would have rocked my numbers right off the chart today.

    I went to the Farmers Market today and picked up fresh peaches and strawberries for my sweet momma, Wanda, to work her magic on and make into yummy jams. I had my goodies and pulled out headed North to Conroe and, being frugal, opted to head up AIRLINE to the freeway instead of taking the toll road. This short section of road is called “Crack Alley” for more reason than one. Everybody is peddling one kinda “crack” or another.

    I pulled up to a stop light and glanced to my right and low and behold “Shera” Princess of Power was primping in the dusty, painted over window of a closed down store. I let out an audible OH MY MERCY…….thankfully my windows were up! And then I got the giggles – Bad! Okay – I almost peed myself laughing for the next 5 miles at least.

    You couldn’t fault her – bless her heart. I’ve been preaching for the last year that everyone is beautiful and everyone has value and everyone should feel good in their own skin no matter how thick or thin, pretty or plain.  So in her own way – this bitch was fierce!

    She was rocking her homemade daisy dukes that were so short that the frayed denim threads looked more like fringe across the top of her ..hmmm….cheeks. I swear to Jesus she had to have had those shorts rigged with a trick snap crotch cause there was no way in hell that the remnants of those jeans was coming down over her hips. The multi-colored, one size fits all tube top??? Very appropriate for 102 weather in Houston and the fact that ONE-SIZE was several sizes too small just made it a little thinner …..cooler…around her ample mid-drift. I thought the high heeled Gladiator sandals might have been a bit much for 10am but to each their own I saw worse at Fashion Week last fall on the streets of New York. The 80’s style wig was more than making up for that faux pas.

    My point is…..as I still sit here giggling…is that she was taking pride in her look and primping in the window, applying a new layer of lip gloss and adjusting her ..or somebody’s…hair. She obviously felt good enough about herself to put a price on it and sell it. And she didn’t look like she was starving so I think she must have plenty of buyers.

    Now – I’m not encouraging anyone to put on a “fierce” outfit and hit the streets but by God if we just had a smidgen of her self confidence and were willing to declare our worth to every passing stranger I know some bitches that would be ruling the world!

    Rock on Shera Princess of Power! I’m gonna take some of that fierceness into next week whether  I break thru this “Plateau” or not. I’m not giving up. I’m primping in my own mirror and setting my price! I don’t even care if I get any buyers – I just love a good SALE!

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • FEELING the pain…..

    I walked thru the wooden, hand-carved doors this afternoon and was very self-conscious of the heavy sound of my footsteps on the marble inlaid floor of the funeral home. Tears welled up in my eyes and I tried to swallow the solid lump that had formed in my throat before I even entered the chapel. I took a deep breath knowing the next few hours would be some of the hardest.

    There she sat, alone on the first pew nearest the coffin. A black lace shawl around her slumped shoulders. Family members gathered around the pearl white casket all with their backs to the mother who had suddenly lost her daughter.

    24 years ago I sat and listened to the story of their coming to this country from El Salvador. Their native-land left in military chaos and horrible uncertainty. They came here for a better life.

    I watched as her youngest little girl mastered English and learned to speak for her entire family. I saw her blossom into a beautiful young lady with dark hair and shimmering brown eyes. She excelled in school and graduate with honors. We expected no less. At a time when we should be celebrating a college graduation we instead are forced to celebrate a life we deemed to short.

    Grief can shred your heart if you allow all the “what if’s” and “what could have been’s” to take over your thoughts. I knew I had to celebrate the life that was lived and not the milestones that will be missed. If everything happens in God’s perfect time then even this has to bear a  blessing somehow.

    I walked to the casket to say a final goodbye, to utter a prayer for my baby girl to travel safe on her new journey. Her mother called to me and held up a black beaded Rosary.  “Please, put this in my babies hands?”… That lump jumped up into my throat again…but  I did just as she asked and laced the beads between her fingers, laying the cross and beads down gently over her folded hands. A beautiful girl, a beautiful life….a beautiful Angel.

    I felt the pain in that moment. Just as I should have. Emotions and feelings no longer dulled and masked by medications. I felt what was real, I cried the tears. It was not lost on me that her young life on earth ended as mine continues to blossom everyday. I know I will have one more angel in my spiritual family cheering me on from across the veil. I have had several good cries. I’m probably due a few more. It’s just part of being real.

    I love each and every one of you,

    Juliana

  • Dance like no one’s watching….

    “It’s not about surviving the storm, it’s about learning how to dance in the rain”. I read that today and it has stuck with me for hours.

    Each word carries so much weight and so much meaning.

    Many times in life I have held onto a highly misplaced “discipline” to hang on in a bad situation. To weather the storm and ride it out. I think we have been conditioned to believe that only thru suffering can we find true redemption. But the real redemption comes from realizing that the storm is your perception of the situation and of your making.You either walked into the turmoil on your own or you created it by placing yourself in someone elses storm. Your anxiety feeds the storm and keeps the winds of turmoil churning in your life. Like a tornado it gathers up everything in its path and the clutter of people and emotions whirl around you till the sky turns black and it grows into a monster.

    What keeps you imbedded in the storm? Who in their right mind would want to stand in the center of that energy? What binds you there?  FEAR. Fear of making it worse. Fear of failing. Fear of judgement and persecution. Fear of rejection. Maybe someone will laugh or say “I told you so”. Or they may tell you “You bit off more than you can chew”. In the end it doesn’t matter what THEIR perception is. When you can learn to dance in the rain you can diffuse the negative and turn that hail storm into a gentle cleansing rain. Those that thrive in chaos will move to a more favorable climate.

    There is an Irish Proverb that is very simple :

    Work like you don’t need the money.
    Love like you’ve never been hurt.
    Dance like no-one’s watching.
    Sing like no-one’s listening.
    Live like there’s no tomorrow.

    How many of these things do you live by and practice everyday? I try to remind myself of these things each & every day and my skies have never been clearer.Who ever knew I was such a dancer!

    I love each and every one of you.

    Juliana

     

     

  • Bless your time……

    Bless your time. It was something I grew up hearing my grandmother say all the time. When I was younger I didn’t really understand what it meant and thought it sounded kinda stupid. Why didn’t she just say “God bless you” or “Thank you” like everybody else. Of course, it wasn’t as silly as the women all circled around the kitchen table commenting on how “pretty” her peaches, jams or jellies were she canned. Pretty?? You’re suppose to taste it – not look at it.

    Well, NOW I get it. I understand them both. And yes. I have made up some “pretty” pickled beets in my day and my strawberry jam is gorgeous if I do say so myself!

    Bless your time. It’s a THANK YOU for taking the time out of your busy schedule. A THANK YOU for showing just how much you care. A THANK YOU for showing just how important a person is in  life. THANK YOU for taking the time to show it. Time is what many of us think we just don’t have enough of. But when you take the time to do something special for someone it’s not the dollar amount you spend but how much love, thought and time you put into the giving.

    My sweet mama Wanda has spent the better part of the last 12 months making me a handmade, appliqued quilt with a likeness of my cat Punkin on it. I received the finished quilt this past weekend. And it is gorgeous! Look at that LOVE. Bless her time! She loves me real good! I am blessed…

    Take the time to show you care.Take a minute to make a call, send a letter, drop in for a visit. help with a chore.  Someone might just say “Bless your time”.

    I love each and every one of you. Bless your time for reading all I write.

    Juliana

    My mamaw , Winnie Glover Johnson

  • Sparkle, Sparkle Lil’ Rock Star…..

    There comes a time in a girl’s life when she just has to put on her big girl panties and do something she would never think of doing.  You know, one of those things that you don’t even think of trying because of your size, your age or both!

    Well, this weekend was the time. The family reunion was the place. The task at hand? Ride the tube with my crazy ass cousin Dayna down the Colorado River behind a speed boat filled with more cousins just chomping at the bit to see a crazy WIPE OUT!

    My biggest fear was that I wouldn’t be able to get my ass back in the boat after I got in the water. But you know what – I figured we could deal with that when the time came. But at THAT moment I was going to seize the day, dive in and RIDE THE RIDE! ……AND I DID IT!!!!!!!

    Make it back in the boat? YEP! Had to have some help but so did everyone else. I did it. I didn’t let my size intimidate me. I didn’t let my lack of physical conditioning stop me. No offense Neil Armstrong but your “one small step for man” –  doesn’t hold a candle to the step I took on Saturday, June 11, 2011. The cheers from the boat were loud and rowdy. And my friend Kim couldn’t have beamed any brighter at my accomplishment.

    I strutted back to the main house like a prized chicken at the county fair. Jaws dropped right and left as Kim retold the story of my championship ride, how I fell in and got right back on. My poor mother nearly fainted. You see, it is a Johnson trait to freak out and worry about what COULD have happened even though I was standing right in front of her with all my bits and pieces intact! Bless her heart,sweet Wanda, I had to calm her down with hugs and kisses and reassurances that I was just fine. I was more than fine. I was a River Riding ROCK STAR!

    If you are not living on the edge, you’re taking up to much room. I took up way to much room for too long sitting on the sidelines. I will be a bench warmer no longer! This is my summer, this is my year, THIS is my life! I’m claiming back my “Sparkle”.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

  • Cheeseburger in Paradise……

    I’m hitting the road again tonight for BURNET,TEXAS and a lake house on Lake LBJ. The Cheeseburger in Paradise  – Johnson Family Reunion will be in full swing when I get there. There will be plenty of trouble for all of us to get into for the entire weekend and I plan on finding my share.

    Yep – I AM taking my Scooby Snacks with me so I can make sure I stay on track with my Weight Watchers Lifestyle Transformation. But, you can bet your sweet ass I am gonna spend my Points on Saturday on a CHEESEBURGER in Paradise hot off the grill. I wonder how many exchange points there are in Washer Pitch’in?…UNO?….Fish’in? …..Hanging on for dear life on an intertube?….Anyone???…….Anyone??????

    Don’t sweat it! Life is meant to be lived and that is what I am doing. Happier today than I have been in years. Life is good, productive and well, hell,….. just flat out fun these days! My partner in crime for the weekend will be my childhood friend, Kim Luce-Dollar. I think we are old enough that we won’t get in trouble for sneaking out at midnight to go to the lake….but you never know!

    If your aren’t enjoying your life – then you just aren’t living right! I know a few people who have busted their butts to get what they thought they just had to have to make their life perfect. The right person, the right house, the right job. And low and behold – they may have the THINGS or even people, but still find their life is not perfect and certainly not their own. They are a slave to the things they had to have and now have to take care of and pay for. All that work and HAPPINESS still slips right thru their fingers.  That is a HUGE life lesson. What’s the lesson you ask???

    That when you try to force your will on the Universe….The Universe is liable to give you just what you asked for.

    Stop asking for what you see in your narrow view. Ask the Universe to fill your cup with peace, love, guidance and perfect understanding….and watch it overflow.

    I love each and every one of you

    Juliana

     

     

  • Better products…..Lower prices…..Farmers Market…

    Okay, so I was never a huge fruit and vegetable consumer. Vegetables were those things I spent money on with every good intention of cooking up something FAB-U-LOUS but most often was left to grow hair in the bottom drawer of my fridge. I’m sure I could have sold that stuff to  Hair Club for Men and made some major dinero. FRUIT?…Looked sooooo pretty in the bowl….on the counter….till it turned brown and hatched a bevy of fruit flies. Meat, cheese and bread were my major food groups. There is nothing better than a big ol’ bologna sammich with cheese!

    But now that I am on Weight Watchers and making a true diligent effort over here to eat right and feel healthier everyday I have started shopping for, you guessed it, FRUIT & VEGGIES.

    Much to my shock and dismay they all but want you to take out a 401K to stroll thru the vegetable department at the local grocery store. Reach for a pretty red, shiny bell pepper….slam on the breaks $1.79 EACH…..Cucumbers? a reasonable $1.00 each (so I think). Peaches and apples $1.79 a lb…don’t blink but some apples and oranges weigh almost a lb each. So, today I went to the Farmers Market on Airline. No, there was no “air-conditioned” comfort,  no guitar player on a stool strumming a John Denver songs (gotta love Kroger’s on a Saturday) and no ORGANIC section. But what I did find was a red bell pepper for $1.95 per pound instead of a  per piece price. My total cost for a red bell pepper $.47 cents. Cucumbers – 3 for a dollar. Big juicy peaches from N. Carolina were .98 cents a lb…Same for Gala Apples and Golden Delicious. These aren’t sale prices they are the every day prices. The quality is so much better and the prices so much more reasonable that I will always make TWO trips when grocery shopping. Farmers Market and that other place…Kroger’s, HEB, Randall’s – whoever has paper towels and toilet paper on sale will get my vote.

    And with all that money I save…I think I’ll spring for the $79.99  classically nostalgic, Bobby Sherman lunch box on eBay I found!

    I love each and every one of you but today I love Bobby Sherman more…….swwoooooonnnnn

    Juliana