Rants, Ramblings and General Diary of Juliana Wathen

Archive for May, 2011

Staying on track…..

We moved to Conroe, Texas when I was 5 years old. I can still remember the address, 206 South First Street, just across from the county hospital and only a few blocks from the railroad tracks. I listened to the whistle blow and the clacking of the cars on the tracks many a night.

During the day, the tracks were our playground and our boundary. “Don’t go past the tracks”…Yes Mame….I always said “yes Mame”…..and then I went about crossing the tracks back and forth and around the corner on my blue, banana seat bicycle with streamers out the handles. I just figured –  It wasn’t like she was gonna come looking for me. So off to the tracks we would go. We took turns putting our ear to the track listening for the coming trains just like we saw in the old west movies. We’d put pennies on the rails and sat hoping for a passing train to flatten them as thin as paper. I loved gathering the big, fat juicy blackberries that grew along the tracks every summer. We ate tons and occasionally we made it back to the house before dark for mom to make a cobbler.

Tracks…such a powerful symbol. Always going somewhere leading you towards the next station.

I came back from a vacation weekend last night and though I hadn’t lost any additional weight, I hadn’t gained any either. I kept telling myself all day today. You gotta stay on track. Focus, Focus, Focus….chug, chug, chug….every penny I flatten is a pound behind me.

Motivating yourself is key to making progress. It’s something you have to renew everyday. If you allow yourself to get derailed you’ll just sit in a side yard forever. I’m staying on track and I’m moving on down the line….Choooo…Choooo.

I love each and every one of you

Juliana

See Ya!

 

Here comes the sun…..

Quietly I made my way thru the house this morning past the rooms of still slumbering sand warriors who went to bed in the wee hours of the morning nursing their sunburns and still wearing their glow-in-the-dark necklaces.

The deck was all mine and so was the entire beach. Not a soul insight. Just me, the seagulls and the rising sun creeping up over the waves that washed the beach clean and smooth.

I settled into the heavy sun-bleached wooden rocker and thought “what a lovely way to pray and start my day.”

“Dear heavenly Father, I welcome the sun. I am surrounded by the light of Christ, I am filled with the life of God. All that comes to me and all that comes from me is good. Fill me with Peace, Guidance and Understanding in all things. Open my eyes that I might see clearly, open my ears that I might hear the message and open my heart that I might know the truth. Bless those that cross my path as they have all come and gone for a reason. I send them light and love. Bless us all Father as we journey back to our homes today. We are truly blessed to know who we are and where we came from.”

Let the games begin.

I love each and every one of you

Juliana

Ready…Aim…Fire….

The call of the military! How appropriate on this Memorial Day weekend. Thank God that there were those who fought for us so that we could act like ridicules beach brats and launch water balloons from the deck at the rest of the kids playing on the beach.

The sacrifice has not been lost on the young adults. Big Bob has had them raise and lower the The American flag each day. He reminds them on the proper way to fold the flag and how to handle it. The wind is blowing 15 to 20 knots. We will fly it everyday and if it rips – we will burn it properly before we leave.

It’s important to enjoy your family and friends. It’s important to remember why you have these days to do it.

I believe we are all where we’re suppose to be tonight.And hanging with the ones that we should be with. Life is an experience. Good, bad or indifferent. If you think you should be somewhere else or with someone else. Just ask the Universe what it is you should learn today.

You might be surprised how right on target the answer is. Happy Memorial Day!

I love each and everyone of you

Juliana

The view from here….

Memorial Weekend 2011

Surfside, Texas never looked so good. This is myview for the next three days. Straight shot to the water…but I’ll probably spend more time on the porch keeping Lori and Big Bob’s drinks filled and chilled and let the young pups frolic in the muck and seaweed at the beach.

If you can’t run with the big dogs then stay on the porch. That’s what I’m talking about! You are never too old for a kiddie pool on the deck filled with clean water right next to the bathroom and Fridge. It works real good for me.

We are raising the flag tomorrow over the deck in honor of Memorial Day. It’s good to spend it with friends.

All the young folks have brought drums and guitars and beach toys galore. It’s good to be me today.

I love each and everyone of you

Be safe

Juliana

FLY AWAY…..

Today was a strange day and maybe I was just feeling the vibes in the earth but I felt the scars on my heart today. It was a feeling I couldn’t shake till just an hour or so ago.

Emotions welled in me and I missed the one I had held most dear but that is no longer in my life. At some point “feeling” all this just pissed me off.

I had started the day knowing my dearest friend Lori’s dad was in the hospital and they said by days end he needed a quadruple heart by-pass but was in no shape to tolerate the surgery. His heart was so tired. I said my prayers for Giles Henry throughout the day as I drove from task to task. I prayed for the Doctors to find the right solution.

I went on to an event today and was pulled aside. “Had I heard the news?”  – What news?” –  I expected industry gossip but instead was told in the lowest of hushed tones that the fabulous Houston Songtress Yvonne Washington had suffered a heart attack and was scheduled for by-pass surgery tomorrow morning at Methodist Hospital. My own heart sank as she and I had just discussed the signs of a woman’s heart attack as we sat backstage at a gala two weeks ago. She will miss her daughter’s wedding this Saturday and that will break her heart all over again. I said my prayers again as I made my way to my next stop.

The work continued, the day continued and so did this feeling of heartbreak in my heart.

I checked my phone during the event tonight searching for an update on Giles Henry and I saw instead a post on Facebook. A dear high school friends mom had passed away back in our hometown of Conroe. She died at home surrounded by two of her children.Brent did not get there in time.

When the body is frail the heart just stops. And she, like a dove  – flew away as her son drove down the highway listening to track 11 FLY AWAY. He heard a new message in the song he had heard many times before.  he was grateful for the music written by a friend that helped him cope with the loss. And he took the time to tell him so from the side of the road.

Hearts were breaking all around me today. Figuratively and literally. My heart had been broken for years, inside and out . Physically and emotionally I had run my heart thru a ringer in the past few years and yet I survived on each level. Somehow, I was reborn. Yes figuratively and literally.

Today reminded where I had been. I risked my heart. I experienced an incredible love that did not last. My heart is scarred but not broken. I saw a glimpse of what could and should be. I risked my health again and again. My heart nearly threw in the towel for us both. But instead, has forgiven me and beats stronger today than it has in years. There is not a lot of reason behind why I have survived three hearts attacks and Congestive Heart Failure. I have to believe that God’s just not done with me yet and that my heart has not experienced the greatest of moments that he still has planned for me. I appreciate where I have been and even more, where I am going.

So tonight, I pray for the hearts that are ailing and the hearts that are hurting. I pray for the daughter who sits by her father’s bedside holding his hand and saying ‘It’s gonna be okay Giles Henry”, I pray for the mother who worries most about missing her Daughter’s biggest day. And I pray for the son who with a heavy heart listened in his car to track 11 FLY AWAY and found comfort in his moms passing in the words of a song.

I love each and every one of you.

And today I love a beautiful girl, Lori, Yvonne, Giles Henry and Brent just a little bit more. I hope you don’t mind.

Juliana

When I was a child….

When I was a child I spoke as a child. I understood as a child. I thought as a child – an overweight child. And when I became a woman, regardless of my size, I continued to speak, comprehend and think as an overweight person.

I found this picture last night of myself in 1982. I look at it today and think – wow…I wasn’t huge! But I never felt like anything other than enormous, standing out in the crowd and being stared at for being overweight and homely. BUT – damn it! There wasn’t a damn thing wrong with me. I even had on stylish shoes for Christ sake.

So I looked closer at more of my pictures that show the roller coaster of sizes through the years. Up and down, round and round. Size 18, 20, 22, 24, 26, 16, 14, 28…..In my mind – they were all out of the norm. Don’t get me wrong – I was never THIN…but I hit average a time or two and didn’t FEEL it. The only thing I felt was exposed. More people noticed me the thinner I got and more people approached me to be social and go to parties and well, honestly it scared the hell out of me. On some levels it offended me that people I had known thru my work industry for years were inviting me to cocktail parties at their homes etc…In rebellion I became almost reclusive. I did not have my weight to protect me so I just hid….and ate and gained back my blanket of fat.

It is my mission to change my mind set NOW. I will not even wait for the weight to come off. I must heal my mind and my perception of myself for my body to follow. I realize that only through a permanent mind set will I be able to maintain any kind of lifestyle program to achieve a healthier weight.

I had a heart attack at 36yrs of age. I had weighed nearly 285 when it happened. I dropped 95 lbs while in cardiac rehab combined with dieting over 6 months. I was in a size 16 by the time I was released to full-time work and left to an unmonitored life. In no time at all I began to add back the weight.

Yep – That is me  on the right. Size 16 and at a swanky gay affair! Maybe not svelte but I had a damn waistline!

I still felt huge.

The mind is a powerful thing.  I am redirecting my thought patterns. I am no longer a child. I am a woman and I will speak as a woman who knows and understands herself to be beautiful at any age or size. I will embrace this new understanding with love and I will think with the clarity of this new vision. A vision that was always meant to be mine from the beginning.

Me size 26/28 (depends on what it is) hanging out with more beautiful women welcoming lil Darsh into the fold.

I love each and every one of you. I hope you look in the mirror today and see the beauty that I see in you.

Aghhhh so many women….so little time! 🙂

Juliana

After the Rapture…..

I’m still here. Are you still here? …..Thought so.

I got up and took my ipod to the pool this morning to relax and soak up some sun. It was early and I had the entire pool deck to myself. It was quite except for the sound of a breeze rustling through the palm tree tops. I happily soaked in the serenity of the moment and smiled inside and out. It dawned on me that there were actually people in the world who would be sad today that they were still living and not swept up to the heavens on Saturday. Many had given up jobs and spent life savings, stood in airports and on street corners warning people the end was near. Now, the day after, they are faced with the weight of an enormous question. WHAT NEXT?

In good southern style I thought to myself …….”Bless their hearts”.

I started rustling  thru my bag. I had haphazardly grabbed a random bag from the closet and tossed in the usual. A towel, 50 factor sunscreen for babies (I’m delicate – damnit), iPod, and bottled water. As I dug around I found a loose piece of paper and pulled it out to see what it was. It was a funeral program left over from a friends father’s passing. It had been in there for nearly two years. I read it cover to cover and studied the pictures on each page. Youth, Parents, Children, Family…all that goes with living.

That was it – THE KEY…The answer to the HUGE question hanging over these poor peoples heads……it was simple and right in front of them….LIFE. Life is what is next.

This man lived it. He didn’t hide from it, he didn’t fear it and he didn’t spend his life savings focusing on the end of it. So many of these doomsday people are so focused on how and when they will die or transition to the other side of life that they FORGET TO LIVE. They are so shackled in fear that they can’t …LIVE. Bless their hearts again.

I want you to try something. A mental exercise of sorts. Most of us aren’t doomsday fanatics but we do shackle and bind our hearts with fear. Fear of many things, rejection, being hurt, being betrayed…And most of those things when reduced to their core mean LOVE and ACCEPTANCE.

So many have locked away their hearts in an attempt to live a more protected and safe life. Stop it! Unchain your heart. Open it and let love and life’s energy flow from you so that it may return to you. Think about this. How many “Friends” do you have just on FACEBOOK. If you opened up your heart and just let it flow out to those people…it would cost you nothing . Imagine if each of those people did the same for you and think of all the love that would come back to you. 100 fold…200 fold…500 fold…? How many friends do you have??? 1000?

Don’t be afraid to live your life. Don’t spend your time protecting yourself from the pitfalls of life – you’ll miss life altogether. Love who and where you are. Enjoy THIS moment. Live THIS time in your life. Ride the ride. You are loved by so many. Most people don’t realize how loved they are till they lose it. So choose to see it in all aspects of your life. Open your heart. There is no time BUT the present.

I love each and every one of you

Juliana

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