Rants, Ramblings and General Diary of Juliana Wathen

Archive for February, 2011

Put A Bow On It!

A very old and wise woman reminded me yesterday that every day is a gift – so put an ef’ing bow on it!  Okay…maybe she’s not THAT old but she is pretty darn savy none the less. And she is 100% correct! There I said it! Lori Westmoreland is RIGHT as rain!

Size cannot be a determining factor in dressing up your day and enjoying the moment. We live in the NOW, not tomorrow or next week or next month. And yeah – it’s great if you lose 10 lbs next month and you can wear those OTHER jeans but not having lost it TODAY should not keep you from living life to the max and making the best of what God gave you.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And if you aren’t BEHOLDEN your own beauty in the mirror then shame on you! SIZE is not the issue. SELF ESTEEM is the issue. So as Lori says – “Go get your toes done – you’ll feel better”. She has a point. DO something for yourself that makes you feel beautiful. Stop hiding behind the mental image of how you think you should look and LIVE today. Stop dreaming about that “Coming out” party your gonna throw for yourself when you weight 100 lbs less. Come out NOW! Walk the red carpet TODAY! Life is a gift and so am I. Don’t love me for just who I am on the inside of the box. Don’t love me “inspite” of my size.  Love me….. gift wrapped, bow and all. SELF ESTEEM….It’s sexier than SIZE!

I love each and every one of you

Juliana

Human Touch

When was the last time you reached outside your comfort zone and took the time to touch someone during your day? I mean, really stop and make direct eye contact and engage someone for a moment that you didn’t even know. Not as part of your job but as a part of LIVING.

I am guilty. Guilty of running from one task to the next from sun up to sundown, day in and day out, and in those moments letting the living pass me by. We are all probably guilty of ignoring people from time to time. Invisible people, homeless people, physically challenged people,the old and infirm….and yes, the service people who make are days easier by taking away our trash and clipping our lawns and taking away our dirty plates at the restaurant. DIFFERENCES inherently make people uncomfortable. I am aware that I make some people uncomfortable by being overweight. As a large person I can sense those that look PAST me and those that render me  INVISIBLE .I therefore experience times and situations where I am painfully shy. Invisible has become my preference.

I saw a man the other morning through the window of my apartment gym as I was huffing away on the treadmill. He was tall, thin and blacker than black. He was putting up the umbrellas on the outside patio. He must have felt me watching him as he looked up and caught my gaze then  immediately lowered his eyes and walked away.

I finished my 30 minute workout and headed upstairs to my apartment. I got a glass of water and a book and headed out to the courtyard to cool down , read and meditate by the fountain. It was cool outside and the sound of the bubbling fountain stilled my mind. I thought of the man I had seen earlier and wondered if he felt as invisible as I do.

I heard footsteps on the pavement and looked up and saw him again. He was on to his next task – cleaning the courtyard. I watched him for a moment. He made a point not to look up. And I thought…son of a bitch – he is as scared of me as I am of…everybody! In that moment I made the bold, spontaneous decision to speak. “Good morning” I said…making sure I spoke clearly and with purpose. He looked up and shyly returned the greeting. “What’s is your name?” I asked and he said “QUIT” in an obvious accent. I repeated his name and asked him “Where are you from?” He paused and seemed to relax a bit and settled his hands on his broom handle. “Africa” he said. I smiled and said ” Well, I am glad you are here. And THANK YOU for making our home such a nice place to live”. A large smile broke out across his face. He nodded his head and said “You are welcome”. In that moment I knew we had just made each others day.We shared in a human experience.

It made me glad I went to the gym. I made me glad I took the time to go meditate in the courtyard. I was glad I reached past my own discomfort to maybe ease the discomfort of another. Giving is a gift that comes back to you over and over.

Take the time to reach out and touch. SEE the people around you and you will be SEEN. All that flows from you and all that flows to you is good when it is sent with pure intent.

I love each and every one of you,

Juliana

Nothing more than Feelings

I started this week with many questions. I got the news that my estranged  half-sister had attempted suicide. She is Bi-Polar and addicted to prescription medications. When we were younger I looked up to her. She was 10 yrs older, thin and sooo pretty with her flowing auburn hair.

My first thought upon hearing the news was sheer disgust and that soon gave way to plain pity. It has gnawed at me for days. Something was there, an answer of sorts. I just have to find it. I had to look at her life and then look at my own. What was similar, what was different? What is the common denominator?

It kept coming back to Feelings…Neglected Feelings, suppressed feelings, unresolved feelings. It’s all FEELING. Yet the path of a drug addict, alcoholic, food addict or any person with destructive compulsive behavior is a blatant attempt to ward off FEELING…It’s a quick fix to a larger problem. There is a nagging FEELING that we are avoiding experiencing. And in that avoidance we complicate our lives with addictions and destructive behaviors in essence shielding us from the true feeling that we wish we could experience. All of my fathers children unsuccessfully sought his love, approval  and general attention. None of us ever experienced it. We have all dealt with it in different ways.

When I have felt rejected, criticized or judged…I overate. Aghhh this snack will make me feel better. This indulgence will sooth me. But it actually compounds the issue cause once you have eaten a bag of chips you then can feel guilty and even embarrassed. Because the issue is still there where you left it. You didn’t face the original feeling. You just put it off. And you can’t get away from it because you never allowed yourself to fully feel or experience it in the first place. The same vicious cycle is repeated by all addicts.

If you are ANGRY because you feel life dealt you the short end of the stick…then you have to allow yourself to feel that anger to be able to let it go and move on with your life. If you feel HURT that you were not nurtured by a parent or ABANDONED by love you have to fully allow yourself to experience and process what that emotion feels like. You will never know true love and acceptance as long as you hold on to those feelings of rejection. You will never embrace the beauty the world can bring to you if you wallow in the anger over what you think has been stolen from you.

I’m sad my sister has chosen to numb herself to the world for so long. I pray that someday she can face her fear and allow herself to live. It will be her choice and hers alone.

I encourage you to FEEL, EXPRESS, BLESS and then LET IT GO.

I love each and every one of you

Juliana

Diary of a MAD * FAT * WOMAN…First Place

I am the worst person when it comes to self restraint. I live big, I work BIG and I LOVE BIG. Like a pit bull lock jawed on a burglar I don’t like giving up what I love. And let’s face it. I love to eat or I wouldn’t weigh 300 lbs. But all that BIG LIVING leaves little time to dedicate to loving myself in a bigger way and making a plan to eat and live better.

On Friday I had to go to a meeting downtown.There was no parking anywhere near the building I needed to go to and the thought of walking 6 city blocks make me sick to my stomach. But I got out, purse on one shoulder and binder in my hand, I huffed it…… all the way to 811 Dallas. I reached my final destination panting and sweating like a prime swine at the rodeo pig races. But alas there was no one there to give me an Oreo for making it to the finish line, or a chair…or a drink of water.Thank God I got to catch my breath and pat my brow while waiting on the elevator before meeting my client.

I stepped on the elevator and with a deep heavy sigh…it dawned on me. THAT was exercise! AND I LIVED!!!!!!

It wasn’t a race where you get a ribbon or a marathon for a great cause. It was just me and the concrete. The only one who realized what an accomplishment it was for a 300 lb woman with heart failure….was me. And  then, that  “inner voice” that always seems to speak to me when I least expect it. When I’m alone and quite….like in an elevator being hauled up to the top floor of a downtown office building for a meeting I was late to, it  said to me “Just because you know you won’t place first is no reason not to run the race”.

Hmmmmm.Well, I’ll be! That’s the beauty of life. You get to enter a new race everyday. Sometimes you win and get a ribbon, sometimes you place and find new friends on the podium and other times you cross the finish line last. But that’s okay. The only ones that the evening news ever shows crossing the finish line are the winner and the last to complete the course. Smile for the camera baby! YOU MADE IT!

I love each and every one of you

Juliana

All You Need.

A thousand wishes and dreams I hope come true for you.
Peace, like calm seas, to fill your heart forever and a day
Waves of Love more carefree, open and overflowing than you can ever imagine.
A rock to anchor to when storms clouds gather. A star to always guide you home.
I send you all this and more.
I send you love on a sea of dreams where wishes can fill your sails everyday.
I wish for you today the grandest of all wishes. I wish you to have all that you need. Today and everyday.

Easy as riding a bike.

For those of us who remain single, the next week is well, uncomfortable. The media is bombarding us with images of doting lovers intent on expressing their deepest feelings of love and appreciation. Morning shows engage in unscientific experiments measuring which national florist provides the best bang for you buck. And of course the hottest question of the day….is it from JARED’S?

Valentine’s Day is just another day….a day we want to get past. The sooner it is over, the better.Well, we may act like it’s “JUST ANOTHER DAY” but deep down inside we all long for the same thing. Someone to say they care.

Instead of sitting home and crying over all the lost loves of the past while you eat Hagan Das and watch the sappiest movie possible on the Hallmark Channel, try something new.

OPEN YOUR HEART TO LOVE. You can’t fill a cup that has a lid on it.

You may not find love the first time out, or the second or third. But I can gaurantee you will never find it at home while you sit in your granny panties and PJ’s. Love is like everything else in the Universe. If you want it. You gotta be open to it.

And yes there may be bumps and bruises along the way. But it never kept you from playing outside as a kid. So get back out there. It’s as easy as riding a bike. If you need to borrow my training wheels just let me know. I’ll put you on the list as soon as I am done with them.

Gotta play to win.

Some days, I just don’t wanna play. Plain and simple. My mental “get up and go” has “got up and went”.I’m hesitating on the door step of life and really just want to turn around and walk my big butt right back into the house, shuck my clothes and crawl back in bed. Warm, cozy,big bed with overstuffed pillows and soft sheets. Snuggling down, aghh… then a heavy sigh…sleep and dreams fill my eyes with visions of sweet tropical island bliss. The warm sun on my skin. The fresh scent of the ocean. A colorful, rum spiked cocktail with a paper umbrella and a wedge of suculent pineapple  in my hand. Beside me?  A long-legged mate with the most incredible blue eyes……………Ring-Ring, Ding- Ding…tweeeeeeet!!!!!

The sounds of NOTIFICATIONS from my Blackberry fire off in rapid succession and I am rudely awakened and kicked back into the game of life. Seeing as there is no back up quarterback  to replace “ME”…I gotta suit up and get out there. I got plays to call today! I got the end zone in sight. It’s all or nothing!

YOU GOTTA BE IN IT TO WIN IT!

You can sit on the bench and dream about your BIG CHANCE or you can go out there and make it happen.

Ring-Ring, Ding-Ding, TWEET TWEET, I’m GOING!

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